UO 12/21

gildah · December 2017

@nanifrog I put my 2 year old boy in girl clothes all the time. Nothing overly frilly, but girl clothes for sure. He has three older sisters! He wears their hats, coats, PJs and shoes. Now that we’re having another boy, I think I’ll invest in some good outerwear and shoes for him. For me, it’s mostly that I’m cheap and no one cares if he’s in girl clothes sometimes. Also, I forget to buy him stuff because I’m so used to having hand me downs!

tincupchalice · December 2017

My son can wear what he wants. I make most of his clothes, but he often picks out the fabric. He was running around this summer in a sparkly butterfly sunhat that he picked out.

Ceridwen77 · December 2017

If I were having a boy this time, he’d definitely be wearing his sisters hand-me-downs. I think spending a ton of money on kids clothes is crazy. They get dirty and grown out of so fast, so I’d want to reuse whatever I could.

cups4 · December 2017

@nanifrog DS is the first born, and not even with hand me downs he wore clothes from the "girls" section. They have the cutest pants and leggings and while I don't want my girl wearing frills and lace, anything cute and neutral DS wore. I called them his sexy pants because his butt looked so sweet in them!! Going to search for a sexy pants pic now

silverhope · December 2017

gildah said:

@fraufarbissina The truth is that your company ultimately doesn’t give a rats ass about you and you only have one life, so do what’s best for you. Just my opinion of course.

^This. I quit before getting pregnant to focus on my health and I tried to give my boss a month’s notice because I felt it was “the right thing to do” (since I was leaving on a 3 week vacation and then wanted to only work 1.5 wks after returning). They made me leave that day and I only get paid for up to 10 vaca days if I didn’t use them all before quitting, so I lost about 2 weeks of pay. I was fuming. @fraufarbissina good for you on your post-maternity leave plan. Always put yourself before the company.

And @Ceridwen77 I have been crying since I found out yesterday that it’s a boy. But I don’t particularly care if people I don’t know think I’m an ungrateful jerk since I know what I went through to try to get pregnant and clearly went into this knowing there’s a 50/50 chance it could be a boy. I’m obviously elated and appreciative that the baby is healthy and everything looked good, but all my visions of motherhood have now been flipped upsidedown. I know I’ll be enamored with this tiny human when he arrives, but I wanted a girl and it broke my heart that that dream is gone now.

Wish I was a perfect person that never made a mountain out of a molehill in any aspect of my life, but I’ve shockingly been “seriously upset” about even dumber things than my baby’s sex.

Edited: tag mess up

gildah · December 2017

@silverhope I hope didn’t make you feel bad with my comments! I think it’s really normal to be upset about your baby’s when you’re pregnant. You haven’t even met your little son! When you do, I promise you will love him so much. You’ll be shocked by how amazing boys are to mother! I will say, my daughter are amazing, but my son loves me so intensely. Little boys love their moms so much. Of course little girls do too, but it’s a whole new level with boys!

abhphilly · December 2017

@silverhope I’m wasn’t quite disappointed, but I did find it easier to come to terms/picture the future with my baby having a high chance of Down Syndrome than I did with the fact that he’s a boy. Lol. I’m pretty into it now though!

silverhope · December 2017

@gildah thank you for the encouragement on raising a boy. A few of my boy mom friends have said something similar when I told them I was disappointed. I know he will be perfect, just trying to wrap my head around what having a little boy will look like. But I guess either way as a FTM, it’s gonna be nothing like I imagine (and a lot more work ha).

cups4 · December 2017

@silverhope I cried too about DS when we found out but for other reasons. My son is the best thing ever and you will get there, too. It's also hard because they are still inside babies and we haven't met them yet, so you imagine your life and what it will be like but it is so wonderful when they are outside babies and you know exactly how he fits in your life so perfectly. I could go on and on and gush, but after having my sweet boy, I am weirding out about having a girl. I honestly would not have parented any different whether he was a boy or a girl, but I feel like I'm having the same concerns I had about a girl this time that I had about having a boy last time.

nanifrog · December 2017

I wanted a boy because i have 2 girls and wanted to name for my dad. But now that I'm having a boy, it feels less exciting. I know it won't really make a difference and blah blah blah. It's just different. In general, i also find it hard to connect with unborn babies.

charlestonchew · December 2017

@silverhope I think this might be the moment where our board gets a little more controversial. I'm sorry to say I think it's absolutely ridiculous to say your vision of motherhood was shattered because of the sex of your child. You say you worked so hard to have this child and because it's a boy you're disappointed but that doesn't make any sense to me. I would think someone who wanted this so bad wouldn't be so worried about gender stereotypes. Imagine if you r son is older and finds out how upset you were when he wasn't a girl. I would like to know what it is that you will never be able to do now that your child has a penis.

ivyvines6 · December 2017

@charlestonchew I’d imagine it would be the same way my son will react to that knowledge, and the same way I felt when my mom told me she wanted me to be a boy. It’s a fucking normal emotion to have. She’s already processing it and moving on from it, so what is the point of this berating? Gender stereotypes exist, and even if you realize on a conscious level you “shouldn’t feel this way” it doesn’t change that you did. If anything she’s doing what you should do in this situation by getting ok with it and moving forward. There’s an actual issue with people who develop disappointment surrounding the sex of the child, and never move past it.

This line of thinking heavily reminds me of when you try to discuss birth trauma and people attack you saying you have a healthy baby.

charlestonchew · December 2017

@ivyvines6 I think the term berating is a little excessive. And if we want to go with the fact that we can't control our emotions then let's go ahead and say that I can't control how I feel about how she feels. I also think it's kind of a stretch to compare birth trauma to gender disappointment.

gildah · December 2017

nanifrog said:

I wanted a boy because i have 2 girls and wanted to name for my dad. But now that I'm having a boy, it feels less exciting. I know it won't really make a difference and blah blah blah. It's just different. In general, i also find it hard to connect with unborn babies.

I find it so hard to connect with unborn babies too! Why is that? I love children and babies so much, but I have no real connection with them before birth! It makes me feel like a bad mom TBH.

charlestonchew · December 2017

@ivyvines6 perhaps it was her wording of vision of motherhood that really got to me. I totally understand relating to one gender over another as I would tell people that I preferred a boy before we found out. But to completely have to reevaluate your entire life seems very dramatic.

dem068a · December 2017

gildah said:

I find it so hard to connect with unborn babies too! Why is that? I love children and babies so much, but I have no real connection with them before birth! It makes me feel like a bad mom TBH.

I am having a little easier time connecting with this baby than my first, but I think it is a super common feeing. Also, I when my son was born, I didn’t immediately feel that overwhelming, bursting love that most people describe. It took me a little while to really connect with him, but now I love him so hard that I can barely stand it. So for all FTMs, don’t worry if it takes a little while for your feelings and hormones to level out. You will love this little person beyond belief!

abhphilly · December 2017

@charlestonchew Not the OP and like I said, I wasn’t exactly disappointed, but I can explain my initial thought process at least. I feel a lot of extra responsibility bringing a Caucasian male into the world, to raise him to be respectful of women (and everyone else of course), to not feel entitled to anything just because he’s a white man, to realize the privilege he has in this country, etc., but I do feel like my wife and I are more than capable of doing that in a natural and easy-going manner. There are also the minor concerns of my son being raised by two women, but there are so many great men in my life that will be involved in his that I don’t see it being much of an issue at all. On a lighter note, there’s the whole puberty/teenage boy phase of his life, but I may let those aforementioned men in my life help him with some of that! I just have the life experience of having been a woman, and I don’t have any experience being a man, so I want to make sure I do the best I can to raise him to be comfortable with himself and an amazing member of society.

I’m sure if I were having a girl I’d have different but equally thought-provoking concerns for her future as well.

lincbeesmom · December 2017

As I shared before, I cried when i found out I was having two boys. Kids consume such a HUGE part of your life. I think it’s normal to fantasize about having one sex over the other and picture your life a certain way. I really don’t think it’s a big deal haha.

gildah · December 2017

@abhphilly My parents are really good friends with a two Mom family. Their son is 28, employed, married and very well adjusted. Their daughter is younger and just started college. Their DD has a very special bond with my dad and he does a lot “dad” stuff with her, but I don’t think she longs for a father TBH. Just my opinion, but I think it’s really important for children to have strong bonds with adults other than their parents no matter what their family structure is.

mileswithmyles · December 2017

@abhphilly my boss and his husband have two kids and sometimes have those same thoughts. But they have a lot of strong female role models that their kids spend time with both of their kids love their life with dad and daddy.

And I think you nailed it with saying you would have other equally thought-provoking questions. I think the fact that you are already thinking about these things is great.

crazyliblady · December 2017

@abhphilly I say amen to what @gildah said a million times over- kids need to pull away from parents about the time puberty hits, and they need someone to turn to.

silverhope · December 2017

@charlestonchew there are a lot of reasons I was hoping for a girl. I don't feel the need to rationalize everything I'm feeling or post a "woe is me" about my past relationships with men. But I wasn't saying that I'm depressed it's a boy bc I can't have a princess tea party with my son (nor am I "reevaluating my entire life").

I agree we can just agree to disagree. So if I look like an ungrateful jerk for wanting a girl, hopefully the rest of my posts here are less offensive.

nanifrog · December 2017

@gildah @dem068a I was so worried and scared and sad my first pregnancy cause i didn't feel bonded to the baby. I just felt like i was in over my head. Felt the same way with number two and now with number 3. At least this time i have a little less guilt about it cause i love my kids. But it also wasn't quite immediate. My first words to DD1 were a surprised "Oh. Hi." I was happy to be with her the next day (wasn't allowed near her at first cause of fever during delivery), but it definitely took some time before i was really over the moon. When she was about a week old i remember holding her and being truly surprised that i was responsible for her. It all sounds so stupid, but that's how i felt.

The big bang theory had a similar story line last season and I was so happy they did that.

charlestonchew · December 2017

@silverhope I respect your right to not share any details of your life you don't want to. However, please remember when you post something with no other context it's likely people will formulate an opinion on that sole statement.

Ceridwen77 · December 2017

Since I’m the originator of the UO, i feel
compelled to post, but I honestly have nothing more to say. I have my opinion and nothing I’ve read above has shifted my thinking. I again will reiterate my point about all of the fantastic women who have received horrible news at their AS.

**trigger warning late loss**

Or the two people I know in real life that have lost their babies within 1-2wks of their due dates. I feel like health should trump all, but to each their own.

**end TW**

cups4 · December 2017

Trigger warning or not that really hit me hard. Late loss is something I think of constantly. And if I had a late loss, that wouldn't change that I was worried to have a boy at my anatomy scan with DS. Not having gender disappointment doesn't save me this time from that horrible outcome.

abhphilly · December 2017

@Ceridwen77 I have had a 21 week loss as well as bad news/abnormal results at the anatomy scans for both of my longer pregnancies and it didn’t change the thought process I talked about going through above. I did come to terms with it all in less than 24 hours though, so maybe the difference is the duration.

Ceridwen77 · December 2017

Like i said above, to each their own. Sex disappointment is mind boggling to me, which is why I posted my comment it in the UO thread. I had no clue when I posted that we had some actual members who fell into this category (doesn’t change anything though).

(and for once our rainbows and unicorns board has some controversy

)

cups4 · December 2017

I don't have to explain myself, but the year before I got pregnant with DS, my SIL placed her newborn son for adoption with many extenuating circumstances. I was terrified at the hurt and comparisons it would bring on my future son, especially with her son being the first grandchild and then my child would be the first to grow up with the family. You are entitled to your opinion of course, but not every sex issue is simple.

crazyliblady · December 2017

I put this on the STM board, but I was disappointed that #2 will be a boy. I had always hoped for boy, girl, boy, girl. Also, my best friend is pregnant with a girl right now, and I was hoping my baby and hers would be BFFs. Not impossible with different-gender pairs, but less likely. I just keep imagining my Viking frisking with a brother and that thought cheers me up. Also, I found a name I love, I just need to convince DH.

charlestonchew · December 2017

I just wanted to point out, at least for my opinion, that there is a difference between having hopes for a certain sex and adjusting to what it actually is vs having a complete break down or sobbing when you find out. Since someone used the word normal earlier for that strong of reaction I will say I don't find that normal.

JNCPro3130 · December 2017

Just jumping in to say DS's best buddy is a little girl. Her mom and I joke that they're like an old married couple.They play (and fight) like siblings!

theletlers · December 2017

@abhphilly I can definitely agree that a single parent raising the opposite gender child or two same sex parents raising an opposite gender child will occasionally have something come up that a friend or family member that shares the gender might want to help. I had a good friend in college whose mom had died when he was younger and he asked me if I could help his little sister because she was going through changes and neither he nor his dad really knew what to really get her. They didn't have any family that lived nearby since they had all just moved there in the last year. It was a little bit odd since I knew him but not the sister. But I agreed to meet them at Target and help her get pads and tampons. Then we got Starbucks and she asked me a few questions about her period and boys. It wasn't too bad but I can understand why it was maybe easier for her to ask those initial questions to another girl and not her dad or older brother who had never had a period or used a tampon.
But I also think there will be something at some point in your child's life that you or your partner will not be the best resource. It could be a subject in school, a sport, etc. but at some point your kid will turn to someone else to ask questions. They will all eventually trust their like minded friend's opinions more than ours at the least!

also I don't have a huge opinion on maternity leave since I don't really get one. I'm thinking I can probably justify about 10-12 days... so I guess I'd say if I could have twelve weeks of paid time and then still leave I would. I'm not sure who said it but I agree, it's your money and unfortunately the way the system is set up we can't afford to be honest about not coming back up front without losing that pay.

ivyvines6 · December 2017

charlestonchew said:

@ivyvines6 perhaps it was her wording of vision of motherhood that really got to me. I totally understand relating to one gender over another as I would tell people that I preferred a boy before we found out. But to completely have to reevaluate your entire life seems very dramatic.

This is admittedly an EXTREMELY sore spot for me. It was the last thing on the list of things I’d hoped for during my last pregnancy and the turning point of me just giving up on feeling like I was allowed to have any happiness whilst being a vessel for another human. I’m defensive because when I went to my last BMB about this I got the same type of responses which were extremely dismissive and even more isolating.

Since I was the person you were referring to saying it’s normal, that came from my therapist, and my current midwife. Just because people don’t feel comfortable talking about it, doesn’t mean it isn’t real, or that it’s abnormal.

And as this literally came up on my feed today, it’s ironic that it’s a topic of discussion here: From The Bump: "Overcoming Gender Disappointment" https://www.thebump.com/a/gender-disappointment Get the free Bump App: https://bit.ly/1UEYuli

ivyvines6 · December 2017

@abhphilly my best friend was raised by two mothers, and her and her brother are both well adjusted, compassionate, and generally awesome human beings. I’ve asked her all the weirdo questions like “which one is your dad” when we first met, and she’s explained how it doesn’t work that way, and she’s so grateful for it as an adult. I wasn’t ok with J being a boy when I found out either, and some of the reasons you mentioned resonate with me, however, it’s been the best thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I don’t remember who initially said it, but I don’t bond with inside LO’s either, and stressed about bonding with J the entire pregnancy because I just couldn’t picture it. Loving a concept, and not an in your arms baby. The amazing thing is how in love you become when babe IS in your arms. It was hard for me when I first found out I was pregnant, and when we found out he was a boy, and when labor and delivery went so poorly for me, but he makes everything worth it. I couldn’t possibly picture being the mom to anyone else looking back, and it helped me realize that you love a person, and not a concept anyway. /shrug

I’m going to drop this subject though. I’ve said my piece and I know I’m not going to change anyone’s opinions here about how shitty I am for having that initial reaction.

crazyliblady · December 2017

@JNCPro3130 thank you, that makes me happy and gives me hope. My BFF is also my best friend cousin and I want my kids to have best friend cousins.

charlestonchew · December 2017

@ivyvines6 No one called you shitty. Having a negative reaction and calling people names are two different things. Do I understand the extreme reaction to gender? No. Do I think it's fair to the baby that didn't choose it's gender? Honestly, no. Do I think there's possibly some other underlying issue that leads to such an extreme reaction? Yes. Do I think you're a horrible human being who is scum of the earth? No. Ultimately I just hope that anyone who is sorely disappointed with a penis or vagina can find some peace and love their child no matter what.

tincupchalice · December 2017

I was disappointed that this one is a boy. We have two boys that I love very much, this third will almost certainly be our last, so yeah, I was hoping for a girl. Emotions aren't easy to control. People who feel extreme disappointment in gender will in almost every case work through it and love their child no matter what, but I don't think ragging on them for their feelings will get them there any sooner.

gildah · December 2017

Emotions are kind of impossible to control. My guess is that many women are secretly upset about their baby’s Sex, but don’t dare say a word for fear of being chastised. I honestly believe that most of the women here who are upset will look at their baby for the first time and think they are perfect exactly how they are. They’ll like also wonder how they could have wanted anything different. I’ve had a lot of negative emotions during my past pregnancies and once the baby is here I always wonder what I was so upset about!

theletlers · December 2017

Well said @gildah Sometimes we just need time to process it and actually saying it out loud even on the internet can help with that process.

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