GTKY: Parenting like/unlike your parents

peachy13 · October 2017

DH and I had this discussion over the weekend about how we ideally want to raise our daughter, and we got into talking about things we liked and disliked from our own upbringing. I thought it was a pretty helpful conversation.

1 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that really worked? Something that now you're looking back on and are like, damn that was a good parenting move?

2 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that did not work? Something that you hated when you were little and that you want to avoid now as a parent?

elcd458 · October 2017

#1- I have told my parents this several times lately, but I really think they did a killer job of NEVER making my brother and I feel like a burden to their lifestyle. Now-- that being said-- I honestly have no idea if a kid who spends every weekend with a babysitter or whose parents constantly take vacations without them (or whatever other example) actually *notices* it, but I definitely know people who are constantly complaining about how much their kids cramp their style and do everything in their power to maintain their previous kid-free existence whenever possible, and it makes me sad. My parents had a good balance (work parties, dinners out with friends, date nights, business trips, what-have-you) but the normal day-to-day vibe was that they'd much rather do things with us than without us. Even still to this day! Last year my mom and dad went on a cruise together and mom complained it was boring without us

# 2- Mom and Dad weren't always great communicators, with each other nor with us. That included their willingness to have the "heavy" types of conversations with us-- sex talk, bearing bad news about loved ones, deep chats about things like religion etc.,-- even really just talking about feelings in general was sort of taboo at our house.

Also, because I was a relatively good student, I really think they trusted me too much and I got sneaky/lazy as a result of realizing they weren't ever going to question me or check behind me. Sometimes I wonder what I could've accomplished if they trusted me a little less and made sure I wasn't turning in assignments late or hanging out instead of studying for tests (both very very embarrassingly frequent occurrences)! Ha!

Ironically, my dad is a micromanager type of parent, somehow without being a helicopter parent. I think I get my control freak tendencies from that, unfortunately. His style of parenting guidance was very much like "This is what you should major in. This is the car you are going to drive. Here, I made you a dentist appointment." Basically, trying to make sure we never experienced failure by essentially never leaving any decisions up to us in the first place. It wasn't until I got married and DH really wanted to prove to my dad that we were OK without his help that I even realized how much dad had always micromanaged my life. Thankfully I turned out fine notwithstanding, and it's MUCH better now for me, but he still does it to my brother and I think bro is still pretty irresponsible as a 25 year old as a result.

MJDsquared · October 2017

I've been thinking about this first one lately because I see so many parents in my social media feed that are just CONSTANTLY taking their kids to activities. Granted, a lot of these activities are during week days, and LO will be at daycare or with my mom on week days, so that's not really even an option for us, but I don't plan on constantly filling up my kid's schedule. I know people who have memberships to the zoo and children's museums and seriously go to the zoo like once a week, or have gone to like six different pumpkin patches this year. Sure, I complained of being bored as a kid sometimes, and my parents told me to find something to do. (It's not like I didn't have books/toys/the outdoors/etc.) So yeah, my kid will not be going on day trips every weekend. Like I've mentioned before, I'm pretty lazy, so that's not an expectation I want to set and have to keep up with.

I also don't plan on grounding my kid. (Obviously, grounding is a punishment for a much older kid, so that could change, I know.) My parents didn't (ETA I originally said 'did'...typo) ground us, but getting in trouble (yelled at or the "I'm disappointed in you" talk) was so terrifying to me. I was SUCH a goody-goody. My brothers never really got in much trouble either. I'm not actually sure how my parents accomplished this, but I'm going to have to figure it out. Lol.

Now for my biological father... He used to take me swimming at the YMCA a lot when I was little, and I always loved that. I remember reading some blogger saying her kids said "X is a fun mom because she gets her hair wet." I plan on stuff like that--being more hands on and worrying more about having fun with my kids than my hair, or whatever. And participating in things with them instead of just sitting and watching. Anyway, most things my bio father did/does are not good, but I thought going swimming was fun. HOWEVER, pretty much every time without fail, there would be another kid (usually a boy) whose parent was apparently not a "getting their hair wet parent" who would latch onto my father and then my father would focus his attention on playing with this other kid and that really pissed me off. Like, sure, you're trying to be nice to this other kid...but I'm your kid. Their parent is somewhere else. You should be paying attention to me.

flowerpower5838 · October 2017

1 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that really worked? Something that now you're looking back on and are like, damn that was a good parenting move?

My mom treated me as an "adult" aka basically just respected me as a person from an early age. It may have been a single mom, working 2 jobs thing and a necessity more than a cognizant parenting decision, but I have always appreciated that and it really taught me self-worth and responsibility. We never went without, but also were never spoiled. I didn't get a nice car - I had to work for mine and obviously that sucked at the time, but it really instilled the right values and I think it made me much more appreciative of the things I have to earn now. She came to every single game of mine and I was VERY involved in sports. Her support was everything to me and still is - she's da best.

2 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that did not work? Something that you hated when you were little and that you want to avoid now as a parent?

I'm kind of the opposite of MJDsquared - my mom didn't do any of that fun crap with us when we were younger. I don't ever recall going to a pumpkin patch, I was just talking to DH how I never made a gingerbread house, we didn't ever go to the (FREE) zoo or children's museum, etc. I don't feel like I missed out per se, but I'd like to get out and do things with my kids more than my mom did with us. Additionally, my mom didn't really have a life outside of us and that's pretty evident now as an emptynester. I want to make sure that I retain some of myself as I'm raising kids.

balletnerd · October 2017

Ah- this was interesting to think about.

1 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that really worked? Something that now you're looking back on and are like, damn that was a good parenting move? I didn't have the best childhood so this was tough for me. But I liked that my Mother let me choose the activities that I was interested in. I was never forced to try things I didn't want to do. She encouraged and paid for my dancing when I found my passion at the young age of 2.

2 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that did not work? Something that you hated when you were little and that you want to avoid now as a parent?

Biological Dad- Spanking and yelling for silly or wrong reasons. Emotionally and physically abusive. Running out on the family with no explanation. Obviously be the opposite of him. haha

Mom- Was super shy and non-confrontational. Gave no rules. Gave too much responsibility to me at a young age. (babysitting my little sister and basically raising her starting when I was 6 years old). Wouldn't give "the talk" not even about starting my period. When I told her I started my period she went to the store by herself. Got me Winnie the pooh PJs, and a box of pads and tampons and put them outside my room. That was it. haha

So basically thanks to my parents for showing me what I don't want to be. I hope to be involved in my children's lives. I hope to encourage them. I want them to feel that they can come to me with problems or difficult things to talk about.

ETA: Almost forgot the biggest one. Saying I LOVE YOU! I don't think my parents or I have ever said this to each other. It has made it weird for me when my MIL etc. says this to me... just because it's not something my family says. I say it to my DH all the time - and my kiddos will know I love them. They might get sick of me saying it...but they will know. haha

mdcd44127 · October 2017

Awesome discussion topic, this really made me think.

1 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that really worked?

My mom raised me basically by herself and she did a fantastic job when I was younger of treating me like a real little person (her sidekick rather than "just a kid"). She brought me with her everywhere, taught me pretty decent social skills, to try everything once and appreciate all different kinds of foods, and we traveled a ton and I got to see and experience so much. You could feel how much she cared about me, I was her whole world. So I can't wait to bring my son with me to all kinds of interesting places and have him try all different foods, and really just try to give him interesting experiences he'll remember forever (and not just with me, but with DH there as well).

2 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that did not work?

While loving and as emotionally supportive as she was capable of being, my mom had almost zero trust in me when she actually should have appreciated just how good I was. I was a total rule-following nerd, but because she questioned my every move I felt like a little criminal, so I ended up kind of rebelling thanks to some crazy reverse-psychology. Like, I learned that I had to lie to her about even the most innocent things, and she'd constantly accuse me of the most nefarious activities even though I was a little straight-edge. And then when I developed depression, she had no idea how to talk to me about it, so it became this huge chasm between us. I really want to be someone my son can talk to/level with, and I'll try to never accuse him of anything unless I have some kind of proof, because it sucks to feel like a criminal. And more importantly, I'll going to try to be emotionally available and sensitive to him, especially with DH's and my combined histories of depression & anxiety.

kyrwyn · October 2017

DH and I had such different childhoods that it's almost like we grew up in totally different cultures, despite both being from Southern California. We've had a lot of conversations about this, but he remembers his childhood as idyllic and perfect and clearly what his family did was best. =\ Mine was not perfect, and not idyllic, but definitely had some good that I'd like to carry forward.

1 -- My mom basically raised me and my closest brother on her own. Pre-divorce, I remember seeing my dad on Sunday mornings, birthdays and holidays and not much else. All the day to day grind of raising us was mom, and she did an amazing job. We didn't have much, but she carved out money and time so that we could go to the zoo and we always hit up reading hour at the library, and I even remember grocery shopping with her as fun. My brother had some major childhood illnesses, so we spent a lot of time isolated from other kids, but she'd set up a fake camp ground for us in the backyard when we missed out on scout trips -- we grilled hotdogs and made smores over a hibachi grill, sang campfire songs, etc -- and make other adventures for us. I never felt deprived, even as I became increasingly aware of how tight our budgets were as I grew up. I'm not sure if she was more helicopter parent or tiger mom, but I was terrified of disappointing her -- and she knew everyone without seeming like a busy body. And she managed to know everyone without overly restricting our freedoms. I had the freedom to ride my bike in at least a 5mi radius around 12yo, as long as she knew where I was going to be. She was consistent about rules and consequences, so I pretty much knew I'd earned it when I got in trouble. She made sure we learned practical skills grounded in understanding the world around us (mechanical, gardening, cooking, mending clothes, etc) by treating us like we were imminently competent, and just in need of a few pointers to get us started.

2 -- My dad's house, by contrast, was a crazy place. They had a sort of fleeting relationship with the truth -- and if you didn't fit into the image they wanted to show the rest of the world (which most teens don't), you got punished. Rules and consequences varied wildly, with no recognition that they were being inconsistent. My dad & step mom were emotionally manipulative, and focused on "winning" some sort of parenting score card against my mom. Both were totally fine with using intimidation to coerce compliant behavior, and often divided us siblings and told us different versions of stories to see who would "lie" to the others. We siblings--I have two steps on this side, plus the full brother--still sometimes conference call one another to try and figure out where the truth is in the variety of versions of the same stories that our parents spin for us. While there was more money for things like vacations, I never felt enriched the same way I did at my mom's, and I was always afraid that something nice meant something unpleasant was going to follow.

2 -- Mom's house, the not great. My mom, underneath all of her awesome, has a really fearful worldview. Everything in the world is out to get you, or pull you down, or impede your progress. (That's why you need all the practical skills: self-reliance!) Strangers are all secretly murderous or violent; the system is out to screw you -- you have to constantly be your best and brightest self to rise above the sturm und drang. While I appreciate the tenacity and drive this put into us, I'm pretty sure there are other ways to get there. I don't want my kid to be afraid of everything, but I do want him to be rightfully wary of others' self interest.

failuretofly · October 2017

1 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that really worked? Something that now you're looking back on and are like, damn that was a good parenting move?
We were always involved in nature, camping, swimming, hiking. We basically lived I our trailer at the lake all summer, learned about fishing and hunting and respect for nature at a young age. We basically only ever wore shoes when we went into the city or to school.

2 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that did not work? Something that you hated when you were little and that you want to avoid now as a parent?
Where do I start?
They tried to keep up their adult lifestyle but bring us along. Now keep in mind this was the 90s so standards were different than they are now but I think they were a little out of bounds regardless. For example they'd take us to the bar (family friendly during the day) and when kids were no longer allowed they'd send us outside to play or sit in the car and continue to drink. We were probably 8 or 9 at the time. We also spent a lot of time just at my parents friends houses where they'd drink until late night and ignore our begging pleads to go home at 10 or 11pm. None of that will ever be happening.
They also always seemed to be in survival mode. Not like they had a plan for how to raise their kids, just doing things "how they've always been done" rather than making decisions for themselves. I think this stemmed from an extreme level of self consciousness on both of their parts and being SO concerned with what other people thought rather than what might be best for our family.
Plus a lot more... This is part of the reasons I currently live across the country from my family with no intentions of moving back.

whiska · October 2017

1 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that really worked?

--They were really hands off, which was a two-sided coin. As a result I spent a lot of time with myself and in my head (and learning to be totally fine alone), but also knowing that if I failed or made a mistake or even succeeded, it was all on me. That made errors harder but successes sweeter. I liked that I basically had a set of hard rules (eg don't ride your bicycle out of sight of the house), but I had huge freedom to operate within those confines.
-- Not letting my kids get out more than one activity/toy at a time. When I was a kid this felt so restrictive, but in hindsight it kept down the mess and prevented the 'playtime is over it's time to clean up' meltdown that I see in other families. Also we had the occasional free-for-all weekends that felt extra special.
-- My mom showed up for every single practice, game, meet, performance, etc.
-- My dad never wavered in his belief that I was a great daughter and someone to be proud of, and he would tell me that a lot.

2 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that did not work?

Oh man, sometimes it boggles my mind how different my kids' childhood will be from mine. Major points:
-- Learning how to safely navigate the world. I was taught the world was a scary dangerous place and if I was attacked or hurt it was probably my fault for not being aware enough or putting myself in dangerous situations. Even if it's scary for me, I'm adopting some free-range practices because it's so important to me that my kids know how to safely get around and feel totally confident doing so.
-- Consistency in discipline. This goes along with my mom being mentally ill but there was absolutely no predicting what would set her off. I learned early "the rules are made up and the points don't matter", so what's the point in listening to or respecting someone like that?
-- Cultivating emotional intelligence. I could never talk about what was worrying me or any challenges because they would just say, "Don't worry about it" or "It will be fine." There are so many steps between feeling anxious about a problem to identifying it to figuring out solutions; I really believe kids need road maps for navigating this stuff early on so they build confidence and trust later.
-- Non-violence as a way of life. I will absolutely not smack, pinch, or spank my kids or threaten them with violence, and we will institute zero-tolerance for any physical acts of aggression between siblings.

failuretofly · October 2017

@whiska my mom hbad rage issues too and would go off the handle for no reason as well. I am TERRIFIED I will do this too, but therapy has helped. Same with the violence thing. Relates back to my parents doing what's always been done because they got hit for discipline that's what they did to us, without really considering if it was right or wrong. We also experienced a lack of consistency, and sometimes would get in major trouble for something and other times not... it was not a great situation to develop in.

elev2017 · October 2017

1 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that really worked? Something that now you're looking back on and are like, damn that was a good parenting move?

Overall, I think my parents did a really good job raising me and my sister. We were encouraged to play outside, climb trees, get dirty,and explore with very minimal supervision since we were mostly playing in the middle of the woods behind our house or, once we got to be about 11 or 12, down the street at the local cemetery or campground (not a lot of places to hang out where I lived lol). This definitely helped to foster a sense of adventure and independence. We also traveled a lot and were encouraged to try all different foods (the rule was you just have to try it, if you don't like it then you don't have to eat anymore), so I think that helped make us more open-minded and accepting of people's differences. My parents definitely emphasized the importance of education, but I never felt like I had to get 100% in every subject in order to impress them. The same went for extracurriculars, I knew I didn't have to be perfect for them to be proud of me. My mom also taught me about fiscal responsibility, which I'm definitely grateful for now. And my dad shared his love of music and his compassion for others.

2 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that did not work? Something that you hated when you were little and that you want to avoid now as a parent?

I was a pretty good kid, so it was rare, but my parents (or at least my mom) did spank me when I was little. I realize that was pretty common back then, but it's not something I plan to ever do. Also, I realize now that I had a really inaccurate perception of my body when I was a teenager. I thought I was overweight and I was extremely shy and self-conscious about it, but when I look back at pictures I realize now that I was a totally normal, healthy weight and I just had a little bit of a pooch. I don't think she actually did it a lot, but I know my mom occasionally made comments about my belly and weight when I was growing up and I'm pretty sure it really played into my insecurities. She also was very insecure about her own weight and so I think that contributed to how I saw myself as well. I'm going to try to be a lot more conscious of only expressing positive body image for me and my children and instead try to just teach them to make healthy choices and be active.

MJDsquared · October 2017

@leilagphillips Oh you reminded me! I was chubby in middle school, probably overweight, and then I had a crazy growth spurt freshman year and that’s when it ended. But during that period my mom would make comments about how I needed to stand up straight—but they were about my belly, not my posture. And those comments made me feel pretty crappy and I totally plan to be more body positive with my daughter.

elcd458 · October 2017

Yesss, @leilagphillips, more body positivity! My dear sweet mother comes from a long line of women with low self-image and although I don't recall her scolding me or calling me out for anything weight-wise (although my dad occasionally would), I began to recognize that the things she complained about about herself were also attributes that I had/have. A little girl should be pleased to look like her mama. At some point when folks would tell me I looked like her, my reaction sort of became "Really? Oh."

skc040512 · October 2017

1. My parents had a really good balance of being strict with rules, and trusting us to follow those rules without checking up on us too much. Looking back, I know they had a whole network of parents that they would talk to pretty much every day and find out if anything shady was going on, and I also know they had a keyboard trace on our computers so they knew what we were talking about/doing online, but they never would confront us about stuff they found out that way. Instead, they'd wait until we came to them with problems, and they just had a heads up. We had a lot of rules (no dating until my sister and I were 16, 10 PM curfew until we were 18, they had to meet our friends' parents before we were allowed to hang out at their house, etc), but other than those big overarching rules, they let us do our own thing. Once we started driving, we had to let them know where we would be, but it was more of an "Ok - call me when you head home" kind of thing. DH's parents let him run wild from a very young age - he and his friends would ride bikes miles and miles away from their house (and end up on the highway, no joke). I don't think I'd be ok with that, because MIL never knew where DH was during the day, and once he started driving, he was even worse about going random places without telling his parents.

2. My parents didn't really talk about the heavy stuff with me. My sister had severe anxiety in high school and college. Since she was 3 years older than me and required so much attention because of her panic attacks, I was kind of on my own a lot. Granted, I was already super independent and preferred being by myself anyway, but it also meant that I looked into everything like sex, my period, world views, politics and religion on my own and kind of taught myself. At the time, it felt like my parents didn't care what I thought or didn't think I was old enough to understand (looking back, I think they were just drained from dealing with my sister, so they just enjoyed the lighter stuff with me). I'd like to introduce my kids to the more serious topics and make sure they understand what DH and I believe and think about topics, but also let them know they can always come to us with questions and don't have to turn to google for everything.

Overall, my parents were pretty great - we were disciplined in age appropriate ways, and we never felt like we were a burden to them, but due to our family dynamics with my dad traveling for work, my sister's anxiety, and mine and my mom's depression, I know there are things that we could have all done a lot better.

whiska · October 2017

@failuretofly Thank you for sharing your fears because I am also terrified of what I learned by example and whether any of that is going to just randomly come out when I'm running on little sleep or have lost patience. Luckily I have a wonderful, patient H to model behaviors after when needed, and since I've thought so much about it and tried to pre-emptively identify my triggers, I will keep working really hard to stay aware and not hurt or scare my kid or make them feel how I felt.

failuretofly · October 2017

@whiska Yup, I'm right there with you. That was one of my biggest fears when we decided to have kids, I don't want to parent with rage. It was also part of the reason I feared this baby being a girl because I had it in my head that myself being a girl brought out the rage in my mom due to our conflicting hormones (totally irrational, I see that now) It might help to have a chat with a therapist about it? I found it EXTREMELY helpful. I also realized that a lot of the rage stems from unchecked anxiety, rather than anger, so if I find myself getting anxious I try and mitigate it before it gets to that point.

Amber_Waves · October 2017

Great discussion topic!

1 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that really worked?

I think my parents did an amazing job with us (I'm in the middle of 2 brothers.) my mom did 90% of the parenting, but my dad deserves credit for never contradicting her and always treating her and us with respect. some huge take-aways for me:
*boundaries were never wobbly. The rules were the rules and we knew them and loved them.
*we were allowed to be unhappy. I see so many parents trying to prevent their kids from having even a moment of frustration. My mom let us feel frustrated when something was frustrating and sad when something was sad. We learned to accept our feelings and carry on.
* we knew we were important. My parents still light up when they see us.
* bodily autonomy-- I did not have to hug, kiss, etc unless I wanted to
*pets! Having pets was huge and important to me! We always had a dog and a cat or two.

2 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that did not work?
* I will not be having the epic battles over eating that my parents used to have with me. I love the RIE philosophy that it is the parents job to offer healthy food & what happens from there is the kid's business.
* More "I love you"s --don't just show it, say it
* Less avoidance of emotional issues in pre-teen / teen years.

babybison · October 2017

In a non-creepy way, this has been a great insight into other people's lives.

1. We had a very nerdy family, and I felt consequences were relative to the crime. One time I even had to write an essay about lying, and that would determine how long I would be grounded for. My parents were so impressed with my understanding of the cause/effect of whatever I did, I didn't get grounded at all. We were also taught fiscal responsibility. We didn't get an allowance, instead we earned money (5 cents a dandelion root) for doing actual work. It was also very, very frowned upon to ever be in any type of debt. If you couldn't afford to pay for an item or your credit card bill in full, then you couldn't afford to buy it.

2. My mom is a total workaholic, and while it showed me as a kid that women and men could be equals in their fields, her standard response to a problem was"just let me get through this project" or conference, or deadline. Whatever was happening in our lives as kids just never seemed to take precedence over work. We weren't neglected or anything, but it made it so you could never go to her with a problem. I don't plan on smothering or helicoptering (I think DH is waaaaaay too close to his mom) but I'd like my kids to know I'm there if they need me.
I also remember our friends getting rewarded for good grades, and my parents' response was "you shouldn't get rewarded for something that's expected." I didn't need money or anything, but if I got all A's, a "great job!" wouldn't have been remiss. Just a little more praise for my kids when they do something worth being great. That's my goal.

Kirss · October 2017

My 1 & 2 are kind of mixed together.
I grew up with a single dad, he would do anything he could for us, he was pretty lax in the parenting values, but he basically taught me nothing is free, seeing how hard he worked to provide for my sister and I when we were younger. I wish my sister also saw that as well, because she's 35 and basically lives off handouts via my dad still.

elcd458 · October 2017

@babybison Great point about the debt thing. That was the philosophy at my house too and definitely something I want to instill in my kiddos. Part of the problem with the world today is that people think massive amounts of debt to "keep up with the Joneses" is OK and normal!

failuretofly · October 2017

@babybison
ugh my parents were the opposite about fiscal responsibility. They were ALWAYS in debt and talked about how they lived in overdraft on their bank account frequently. I had no idea what to do with money once I started earning my own. I owe all of my financial well being to DH and his parents teaching me & him. Now I am a 'do not ever carry debt' type of person and couldn't imagine taking out a loan for anything beyond a mortgage. Even our most recent vehicle was paid in cash.

kaylawing · October 2017

I love this topic! Reading everyone's responses brought back a lot of memories and made me reflect on my parenting so far.

1. My parents did a really great job of instilling the value of hard work. I grew up on a family farm, which probably helped, but it was always pretty clear that everyone did their part to help out. There was no allowance- you got paid to do work. They also were great role models of living debt free. They were NOT wealthy by any means, and looking back I don't know how they raised four kids on that income, but they went were great about getting us what we NEEDED and helping us save or plan for things we wanted. They had no credit cards and didn't buy things unless they could afford them. They also supported any activities we wanted to be involved in (sports, scouts, etc), but never forced us or made us do something we didn't enjoy.

2. Two things come to mind.

Spanking. Yelling. These tactics weren't really used on me much (I was such a goody goody) but my brothers were both spanked and yelled at sometimes and even as a bystander, it affected me negatively. My one brother was a pretty challenging kid, so I get that my parents were likely frustrated, but it's just not how I hope to parent.
Dealing with emotions/tough stuff- I never felt like my parents really opened up room for dialogue about the big stuff/hard topics As a teenager, I always felt like I was just "too emotional" rather than having someone recognize that I was going through changes or challenges that could have benefited from conversations with my parents. I never really felt I could open up to them because they were sort of dismissive of my feelings. Even now, our family doeesn't talk about feelings and I don't go to my mom with problems much. I hope to be different with my daughters and I hope they feel comfortable talking to me.

peachy13 · November 2017

Great answers! There is a ton of overlap here with what worked/didn't work in your childhoods.

1 - The good stuff. Like others, my parents encouraged us to play outside with neighbors/in the woods/on our own. They also brought us away on fun overnight trips around made us try new things and see new places (DH's family was not like this, but since I started dating DH, I've helped him get out of his comfort zone and see new places. He's loves our adventures). My parents also pushed a lot of old-fashioned behavior on us which I liked. Writing thank you cards, sitting at the dinner table together without the TV on, doing chores -- and on this note, we had money growing up but were never spoiled. My parents (dad especially) made us earn everything, to the point where we would never ask or expect nice things, and instead it was a treat to get nice things, and we'd be super grateful. DH was brought up similarly.

2 - The bad stuff. As others said, heavy topics were an issue. I am the oldest so grew up pretty slow.. a good thing when you're 10 but awkward when you're 15. I didn't know basic, basic stuff about what a teenage girl should do/act/know. I know what that time comes, I will be having open, hopefully not-awkward conversations with my daughter. Other topics like illness/death were dealt with pretty poorly too, and it made me feel babied when I did find out, sometimes years later.

babybison · November 2017

@peachy13 +1 to the dinner at the table without the TV.

dkizz82 · November 2017

balletnerd said:

Ah- this was interesting to think about.

1 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that really worked? Something that now you're looking back on and are like, damn that was a good parenting move? I didn't have the best childhood so this was tough for me. But I liked that my Mother let me choose the activities that I was interested in. I was never forced to try things I didn't want to do. She encouraged and paid for my dancing when I found my passion at the young age of 2.

2 - What are some things that your parent(s) did that did not work? Something that you hated when you were little and that you want to avoid now as a parent?

Biological Dad- Spanking and yelling for silly or wrong reasons. Emotionally and physically abusive. Running out on the family with no explanation. Obviously be the opposite of him. haha

Mom- Was super shy and non-confrontational. Gave no rules. Gave too much responsibility to me at a young age. (babysitting my little sister and basically raising her starting when I was 6 years old). Wouldn't give "the talk" not even about starting my period. When I told her I started my period she went to the store by herself. Got me Winnie the pooh PJs, and a box of pads and tampons and put them outside my room. That was it. haha

So basically thanks to my parents for showing me what I don't want to be. I hope to be involved in my children's lives. I hope to encourage them. I want them to feel that they can come to me with problems or difficult things to talk about.

ETA: Almost forgot the biggest one. Saying I LOVE YOU! I don't think my parents or I have ever said this to each other. It has made it weird for me when my MIL etc. says this to me... just because it's not something my family says. I say it to my DH all the time - and my kiddos will know I love them. They might get sick of me saying it...but they will know. haha

This breaks my heart for you. I tell DD all the time that I love her, like annoyingly all the time. That’s how I grew up though. We said I love you a lot. I’m glad you are going to overdo it with your babies.

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GTKY: Parenting like/unlike your parents

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