Fill in the blank: I’m embarrassed to admit that I...

sarcasticowl · October 2017

have been buying baby clothes for months and I hide them in my bedroom where my DH won’t find them.

Anyone else have a “secret IF behavior” (like Sex and the City’s Secret Single Behavior”) you care to share?

dragonette505 · October 2017

@sarcasticowl lol! I guess the only thing kinda like that is I have a secret horde of pee sticks (of varying manufacturers and costs) I may be a bit of a poas connoisseur

sarcasticowl · October 2017

@dragonette505 This is awesome, and your gifs absolutely make it

coco305 · October 2017

I just mentioned it on the other board, but I miss injecting myself multiple times a day. I liked being in control of my fertility for once.

coco305 · October 2017

Oh and I'm the complete opposite of @dragonette505 I freaking HATE POAS. I avoid it like the plague.

sarcasticowl · October 2017

@coco305 I have a love/hate relationship with it, mostly because I hate surprises of all kinds yet have never gotten a BFN.

rainbows2018 · October 2017

Binge on carbs after a shot. Like I feel like I owe to myself or something. Most days it’s a little ice cream but sometimes it’s pringles. Ahhh I really need to pay a visit to my nutrition counselor soon.

rainbows2018 · October 2017

And to add to the conversation, I am indifferent towards POAS - I just think those things are ridiculously expensive so I will just wait for beta. However, I am terrified of ultrasounds. TW due to all my losses, I always have it in my head that it’s going to be something bad. End TW. If this cycle works, they may have to sedate me for a scan.

emmasemm · October 2017

@sarcasticowl great thread!

So, I'm with @dragonette505 and I POAS for some purpose almost every day.
Like @coco305 I also "liked" injecting.
I think both are linked to my need to analyze everything and thus the more data I have the more analysis I can do!
I also like getting my blood drawn and having US multiple times a week and then I out this with all my other data in large spreadsheets...

I don't buy clothes but I do buy toys. I argue this is for visitors with children to make the feel welcome but...

dragonette505 · October 2017

@coco305 the other nice thing about being in the stims portion of a cycle is that it’s still at a hopeful place...
i have to poas because I cannot imagine having a beta and not knowing already. If I was at work and they hit me with a : I’m sorry it’s negative.... I just wouldn’t be able to finish the workday. Next beta I’ll probably take the day off!!
@rainbows2018 I think you have to do something to feel better... I just try to make sure my treats are ultra healthy. My treat to myself today was a gluten free, non gmo yada yada extra heathy almond butter cup! Lol whatever, I *felt* healthier eating it!! Lololol

emmasemm · October 2017

@rainbows2018

TW loss
As I've never gotten a BFP, I totally understand there would be a difference between US before ET compared to those after. Hugs to you

rainbows2018 · October 2017

@dragonette505I hear you. I switched to Halo Top ice cream - lower in calories and carbs!!

dragonette505 · October 2017

@emmasemm toys are a great compromise! I dunno.. those tiny clothes break my heart, and having them around wouldn’t work, but toys might work

@rainbow2018 see! Sensible treats aren’t so bad!! I’m with you on those ultrasounds!! The bw is so much more impersonal.... with the ultrasound you have to sit there with a thingy up you and SEE the bad news!!! The absolute worst... I have US ptsd

funkykey · October 2017

I look at maternity clothes like it's my J.O.B.

Maternity swimsuits, maternity dresses, maternity shirts. I borrowed my favorite of my sister's maternity dresses and have it stuffed in my closet.

I think this is super-cute:
https://us.asos.com/asos-maternity/asos-maternity-t-shirt-dress-in-abstract-leopard-print/prd/8542706

I can't bring myself to look at baby clothes, not yet. But I have researched local preschools and bought more than one children's book. And I have a full-on Pinterest nursery board. And I rehearse how I'm going to tell my boss I'm pregnant (in my head) all the time - almost every day.

So, you know, basically I'm living in an "I'm pregnant!" dream world. If visualization alone were enough to get KU-ed, I would have been KU-ed when I was 22. Hahaha.

dragonette505 · October 2017

@funkykey Yaas! *TW I only do it when I’m pg or after a transfer! !!!

adirat · October 2017

...already calculated my due date for an FET that hasn't happened yet.

@funkykey I wish visualization worked!! haha

emmasemm · October 2017

I guess I should really TW the whole post as all things would be triggers for me I realized...

@adirat I've run the due date calcs for ETs in Nov, Jan, Feb and Mar...
@funkykey also +1 to rehearsing telling my boss, and I dream about it whenever I'm stressed (even when I'm stressed about other things not TTC related)
@dragonette505 exactly on the clothes. My sister left some clothes of my nephew (5mo) when they visited in the summer. It took me more than a month to be able to wash them and put them away in the dresser in the guest room. Now I avoid the guest room.

And a new one I realized is that two of my employees are going on maternity leave end of this month and I'm super relieved that I'm not there for their farewells. I've had my assistant organize gifts and cake etc for the last day for them and she's even writing and signing the card on my behalf... I'm embarrassed as I am really close with both of them and when they realized this week i won't be there for their last day they both wrote and said they are sad :-(

tosh24 · October 2017

Oh I hoard pee sticks. And then when I'm done using them, I stash them in my underwear drawer so DH can't see how absolutely insane I am and then I sneak them to the garbage on garbage day. I've just come to accept the BSC. I will always pee on all.the.sticks.

sarcasticowl · October 2017

@tosh24 YES, I PUT THEM IN MY DRAWERS DRAWER TOO!

prudence9-2 · October 2017

@adirat yep me too. And then I go to my company’s benefits website and calculate when my maternity leave would be.

And another one for the TWW: for every little thing I’m feeling I will google: “is xxx a sign of pregnancy” and will usually find at least one woman on the internet that had this symptom and got pregnant

dragonette505 · October 2017

@emmasemm uuugh! I know how it sux to deal with those maternity leave parties! Ask me how ive managed to avoid Every.Damn.One for the past 4 years??? No, don't ask... its all too crazy! But tell me... would it be better if we went and broke down ugly sobbing at their parties??? I think not!

@tosh24 Now why did you have to go and bring up the test drawer??? WHY??? I wasn't going to mention that (MAJ TW) I keep all of my positive digis until the batteries die....(And yes, I have to sneak them in trash to get rid of all fifty-leven of them because I think [TW ]it will be upsetting for DH to see since they've all ended in MC)

@sarcasticowl makes me wonder how many of us are hoarding used pee sticks!! lol

dragonette505 · October 2017

@adirat OMG please don't make me show you my multiple beta test date calendars.... its insane! lol... and yes, DD calculators to estimate my due date range for a cycle that hasn't even begun let alone ended!!!
lol

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/jheurUaCgOIla/giphy.gif

tosh24 · October 2017

@dragonette505 Oh I have a separate drawer for the positive ones. Those are in my night table. I don't think DH even knows I've kept them.

Add me to the group of DD calculators. And mat leave calculators. And work baby shower avoiders. The last work baby shower we had I was forced to go because they made it during work hours on a day I was in the office and I was told the secretary put my name in the raffle they were having. Anyway, luckily there was spiked punch at the shower, which I downed 3 glasses of and promptly went back to my office all tipsy. Not my finest moment.

sarcasticowl · October 2017

@tosh24 @dragonette505 I wish we could all hang out IRL. Seriously.

dragonette505 · October 2017

@tosh24 All of our showers are during the day.... I have been veeeeeery creative over the past 4 years!!!

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/DHqth0hVQoIzS/giphy.gif

@sarcasticowl I was just thinking a similar thing!! It sux to not be able to grab a coffee with people I talk to every day!! lol I live in NYC so everyone is perfect and has no problems (except complaining about rent prices and being tired). I could be SURROUNDED by infertile women, but id never know it because we are all perfect!

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/z9AUvhAEiXOqA/giphy.gif

sarcasticowl · October 2017

Hey @dragonette505 You're just a 4.5 hour bus ride to Ithaca. Come on up, we're all totally imperfect!

dragonette505 · October 2017

@sarcasticowl YAY at least the same state (lol although some places in NJ are closer than up there!) lol
We are a hot mess down here too, they just don't share it

adirat · October 2017

+1 NY hot mess

I have also cried, HARD, under my desk when people at work told me they were pregnant.

dragonette505 · October 2017

@adirat Youre in the state too??? whuuuut? These work announcements are so hard. I'm not on FB so I'm missing all of those, but it cant be helped at work.

adirat · October 2017

@dragonette505 Yeah! I work in Manhattan but we can't afford to live there

Out in the suburbs for us...

(possible TW)
Someone I work with recently told me she's pregnant...she's not even showing yet, I think she's like 15 weeks because she said she's due end of March. She told me right before a meeting that I lead, and it was awful. I almost cried and then I had to lead the meeting and it was horrible. It was just so unnecessary, and while I am happy for her I was like omgggg please do not tell me these things right before a meeting or something, god.

I've never been happier not to have FB than since we've been going through infertility...

dragonette505 · October 2017

@adirat OMG we should coffee break some day!! I work midtown east!
TW Last week a girl I adore who took a sabbatical came through the office to talk about her return. She gave me a huge hug and...yup! Knocked up... unplanned...shes almost done with her first tri ( if I ever get to that point, I'm literally just telling everyone I'm fat and to eff off) So now I will have to find a way to avoid HER shower too!!!

I cant... I just went to a bathroom stall and sat there breathing for a while.....

Its not that we are not happy for them... its just... hard.

sarcasticowl · October 2017

@dragonette @adirat **TW** My closest coworker went to the same IF center as me, did a single fresh transfer, and had her baby last month. I knew the day she got her beta back, so before ANYone else. So I literally went through every single day with her, hearing how she was feeling, watching her get bigger, and always put on an excited disposition for her. She had had a MC and this was her second baby after 10 years but her husband's first so I WAS happy for her but UGH SO HARD. Everyone we work with was obsessed with her pregnancy and talked to her about it all the time. She had just gone out for maternity leave when I did my first FET so she wasn't here when I failed. Because of course not. I support you through your entire 9 months and you're not here for me; that's how my life goes now.

I got married in May of 2016 and of course people I work with have asked when I'm having kids or if I want to have kids or if I'll have them close together or far apart and I'm like "look, I'll be 38 in two months. I'll be lucky to get ONE let alone have the luxury of spacing them out or not." I know they mean well and hey, it's great that I don't look like I'm on the doorstep of 40, but not everyone can be coworker. I've honestly considered leaving this position if we end up throwing in the towel somewhere down the line. I just can't have gone through all of this with my coworker and my boss knowing, and have nothing to show for it at the end and be the pity party of the department, you know? Start over in another department somewhere fresh where no one knows me.

tosh24 · October 2017

Haha yes! I have such a big group of internet friends from being on TB for the last 9 years and it seems so strange that I talk to them almost every day and know everything that's going on in their lives, but will likely never meet all of them!

I'm not far from NY state - about 2 hours. But nowhere near NYC!

dragonette505 · October 2017

@sarcasticowl You've hit the nail on the head of why I'm keeping this as secret as possible... its just too much to go through and to have nothing to show and to go on with life with all the people sort of knowing you failed and feeling pity... I know that's probably a bad attitude, but that's where I am!

@tosh24 I talk to women on the other side of the world daily on my infertility insta account...so crazy!

sarcasticowl · October 2017

@dragonette505 In retrospect I should have kept it all to myself. But I work in a front-office environment and am expected to be here basically all the time, and the appointments got to be so frequent, and my time off so long (the clinic is an hour drive one way) that I kind of felt trapped into explaining. And the dumb thing is that my employer is generally really serious about work-life balance but I am so used to previous employers who would have basically fired me at this point for absenteeism that I felt compelled to spill the beans. Never again.

dragonette505 · October 2017

@sarcasticowl I think theres no right answer... some people get so much support from their colleagues and it must be nice to not have to skulk around... thank goodness all of my appointments are at 8 AM 10 blocks from my office! And I just take sick days or vaca days for my retrievals and for the one transfer.

emmasemm · October 2017

+1 for the PEE stick drawer and then sneaking them out on trash day... DH would be very worried if he knew the extent of my POAS addiction
As I've never turned an HPT (other than for trigger testing) then I don't have a separate drawer for +ves... :-(

@sarcasticowl I get those questions all the time too as we bought a big family house 1.5 years ago and got married 10 months ago. And my boss who doesn't know we're trying (or struggling) told the management team I got the position in the team with least travel as "you know, she will need something family friendly soon". (He got told off for this, and later apologized, but still, everyone heard it...)

sarcasticowl · October 2017

@emmasemm Oh my god, I'm so sorry your boss did that... WOW. We also bought a 4 bedroom house with a large yard six months before we got married, too, and at the closing the f'ing sellers were like "are you planning on having kids?" Like, hi, we don't know you at all and we can have a big ass house if we want to.

emmasemm · October 2017

@sarcasticowl yes! Exactly! We get the "wow you have so much space for two people!" Um, yep... and???

tosh24 · October 2017

I'm in camp keep it secret. I have one coworker who knows because she struggled with IF for 13 years and has had a failed IVF cycle and a failed FET (she ended up adopting). So we kind of commiserate together. My oldest friend from grade 1 also knows because I tell her everything. Other than that, I've told NOBODY. Not my parents, not any other family members, not my employer or coworkers. No one. Only my dad knows about my first loss but nobody knows about the second one. My thoughts are the same as @dragonette505 - I just couldn't handle the pity and the failure if nothing works. And I also don't want the constant questions and expectation of having to update people. I'm a pretty private person. Doesn't make it any easier that every baby born in my family in the last 9 years has been an oops or a first try...not even exaggerating

Oh I have another "embarrassed to admit" - baby names. Like constantly looking them up. And hey, while I'm at it, I might as well look up names that would go together in case I have multiples. The BSC is strong sometimes.

sarcasticowl · October 2017

@tosh24 Yes to the baby names. And I raise you naming the embryo at transfer. Such a dumb idea. At this point they're all going to be named the same thing until one actually sticks. It's like George Foreman up in my house.

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