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May 2018 Moms
Ceridwen77
member
Mental health check-in (week of 10/16)
Ceridwen77
member
I saw a request for this in the other thread and decided to kick it off. This is for anyone struggling with mental health issues, from anxiety to depression to bi-polar disorder or whatever it is. Whether you have a formal diagnosis or not, this would be a place to discuss current struggles, breakthroughs, etc with individuals who are in the same boat.
I didnt think we’d want a formal structure of X number of questions like other check-in threads due to the fluidity of what we may be dealing with week-to-week. So feel free to just post some background and what you’d like to discuss this week. Open to suggestions for future weeks.
I didnt think we’d want a formal structure of X number of questions like other check-in threads due to the fluidity of what we may be dealing with week-to-week. So feel free to just post some background and what you’d like to discuss this week. Open to suggestions for future weeks.
Re: Mental health check-in (week of 10/16)
*possible TW loss*
Today i I had my first OB belly check appointment and she tried to find the heartbeat and couldn’t. She reassured me that it was just too early, but I’m still nervous. I dont remember them even trying to find a HB until I was closer to 15wks last time.
End TW
I have depression, stemming from the loss of my mom in 2004 when I was 18. I never properly handled the grief and it built up over time with the eventual death of her parents, a miscarriage in 2013, and undiagnosed post-partum depression. I hit rock bottom in 2016 at Mother's Day and I couldn't pull myself out of the mental rut I was in. I honestly thought there was something wrong with my libido because that's where I first noticed things weren't right. In my search for a nearby sex counselor, I came across the definition of depression (which I was previously in denial that I didn't have) and realized it fit me so well. I have been on Citalopram since then and while it was tough to get on, it has helped me tremendously. I worked with a counselor and over the course of a couple months, I successfully dealt with my grief. I've been nervous about taking the medicine while pregnant since there's not much research done on it in pregnant or nursing women, but my doctor has helped put me at ease. I am terrified to go back to where I was, so I'm very hesitant to try to wean off of it in the near future.
Thank you for adding this thread. Until I was diagnosed, I didn't realize how much just talking to someone (whether they replied or not) helps and makes me feel "normal".
BFP 2/25/14 EDD 11/5/14 BD 11/4/14
BFP 8/26/17 EDD 5/5/18
@zizzabell523 This is anecdotal, but I was on citalopram my whole pregnancy with both my first and second children. They both are healthy and happy toddlers! I hope that can bring you even a tiny bit of comfort.
@justsuzie Waiting for those results is torture. I hope you get great results, and quickly. Thoughts and prayers to you.
have major depressive disorder, atypical sub-type. I started showing signs in high school, but until late last winter it wasn't controlled. I was doing really poorly with any anti-depressants I tried. They either did nothing or made me worse. My doctor ordered a new blood test that tests for bad interactions between your genes and all anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers. Turned out that my body interacts very poorly with every single anti-depressant except Pristiq. I began taking it right after I got the results and after a month or so, things were night and day different. It was a relief to know that I wouldn't have to spend my life suffering. I had to stop the Pristiq since it isn't safe for pregnancy, but I've actually been (surprisingly) handling it really well. It's not always easy, but I'm grateful to be having as many good days as I am.
I also have a history of PTSD and have gone through treatment for it twice. The first time was due to several traumatic experiences while working as a missionary in Nicaragua and the other was NICU-induced after my daughter was born three months early due to pre-ecclampsia.
@justsuzie FX for good results! I know waiting is even harder with anxiety.
@Ceridwen77 thank you for posting this thread!
I have never been an overly happy person but my serious depression really started after my brother was suddenly died in a car accident. I was 11, he was 14. That was when the suicidal thoughts started. I grew up in a town with an abnormally high teen mortality rate (suicide, drinking and drug related mostly).
I also struggle with PTSD from something that I don't wish to divulge at this point in time.
@Ceridwen77 Thank you for starting this thread. My other BMB did these weekly and it was very helpful. Especially while dealing with PPD. Just knowing that you're not alone!
As as far as what caused my anxiety to skyrocket, it’s mostly leaving my daughter with someone else. I don’t like things to be out of my control and I also find potential for catastrophe in any situation. Someone is not answering their phone? They must have gotten in a car accident. My daughter is not visible on the daycare camera? She must have gotten out of the room and is wandering around alone. It’s like I can’t just take a reasonable explanation for anything as my first gut reaction. I am working hard on this with a therapist and over the last 1.5yrs it has improved, but I’m still almost constantly worried about her. Checking the daycare camera religiously. Not wanting to leave her with anyone except a small handful of people.
It’s also been helpful that she’s over her separation anxiety now and actually enjoys going other places. Imagine my anxiety coupled with a child that screamed and cried when ever you left her for oh, 9 months. Just heartbreaking on a daily basis. I’ve got a long way to go and not sure how this new LO is going to play into it, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get over this! So hard to break your natural thought process though; something that has been engrained in me since I was a child.
I've had anxiety since before I can remember. I think it's courtesy of my uncle, but my DH speculates it's because I was in foster care for my 1st three weeks of life. The first time I was actively suicidal was at 18, and then again at 21. The first medication I tried worked, which is good because if it didn't I would have killed myself before giving another med a try. The day I have to switch meds is coming; I feel this one getting less and less effective. It still works well enough that I'm not willing to go through that hell (yet).
Right now all my stress is job related. I've been positive I'm about to be fired since I got there. I suffer from all-or-nothing thinking. Unless I am 100% perfect I'm sure I'm getting fired. I have to write my self-evaluation and it is definitely giving me panic attacks.
I went to a therapist for a few sessions over the summer but I don’t know if she was the right fit for me and I just never looked for anyone else.
@firefliesandfjords you are the definition of a fighter
@zizzabell523 I tried to go off the antidepressant with Viking and it was not my wisest choice. Totally making sure I take my meds every single day this time.
@Ceridwen77 this thread is so helpful. Thank you. I hear you catastrophizing. Here's hoping we can all keep each other down to Earth.
I've had depression since I was a teenager. I think I was around 14 when I remember symptoms starting to rise. I practiced self harm, and made a couple suicide attempts before I learned better coping techniques as a young adult. My family is still in the "pray your problems away" camp, and don't recognize mental illness as it's own medical condition. So I wasn't formally diagnosed until I was about 20 and I started going to a dr again for the first time since I was 16. I took citalopram for a few years with different dosages, but it wasn't a good fit for me. Marijuana actually was, but I haven't used that in a couple years for that purpose now. My main issues with it were decreased genital sensitivity, lower sex drive, and emotional numbing. I was capable of feeling happiness, for the first time in years, but the rest of my life was a gray blur. When I stopped taking it I also stopped taking birth control, and that helped immensely with being more in control of depression.
My entire pregnancy experience with J was terrible. I definitely had severe antenatal depression that went untreated. For transparency's sake I'm going to head this next part off with a trigger warning.
-----TW pregnancy related and birth trauma
When we first announced our pregnancy to our roommate, and my at the time best friend, he seemed excited for us. The following week he told us we had a week to move out, and find a new place to live because he was going to move back in with his mom. He said he had been meaning to discuss it with us, but he wasn't. He lied because he was jealous that we were starting that phase of our life, and he was still single. (Bro has a lot of issues) So we moved in with another friend with all of our stuff in storage, and while it was the best possible situation and solution at the time, I had no space, and I was getting worse emotionally because of it.
While all this was going on I was having a difficult time establishing a medical provider for my pregnancy. The day after I took my test I started heavily bleeding and cramping. I went to the ER and they sent me home on bed rest until I could follow up with an OB or midwife. I started care with the midwives group who were attached to the local hospital, and saw them twice. The first time they were fine with everything, and seemed like a decent fit, but I had mentioned my history of depression to them, and that combined with my bleeding "risked me out of their care." I went almost two months before settling in with the Dr I ended up with. Because I was on Medicaid at the time my options were severely limited, and he was my last choice anyway. He was my mom's OB and delivered my four youngest siblings. My mom loves him. I saw him once as a teenager and he told me that my parents would be ashamed of me for wanting birth control at such a young age, and made fun of me for wanting to join the military. (Didn't do that. Story for another day) Anyway, I already wasn't a huge fan of him, but it had been almost a decade since then, so it seemed like it wouldn't be as bad.
The care was subpar. When I told him that I had a history of depression and I was starting to get heavily affected by it, he told me that, "depression is a disease of perception, and that I should go on walks outside, or try dancing with my partner. Stop dwelling on the negativity and focus on the positives." (I'm a dance instructor just FYI) This was the first of many times that he belittled my concerns and I eventually stopped voicing them and just decided that pregnancy was a prison and I had to endure this until it ended. Every single concern I brought up was met with "oh that's normal. Stop worrying." But he would follow up with my partner with information about what was going on with me. With MY BODY.
My last visit before having J I went in with my mom and SO so they could speak for me because I was leaving every single appointment sobbing at this point. The week before he had tried to schedule an induction, and had actually swept my membranes without consulting me. I was in intense pain for a couple of days following that, and had to turn to Google to find out why this "exam" hurt so so so much more that the last billion I'd been subjected to. (Oh side note, he didn't have stirrups in his practice so you'd have to hold your legs in the air while he did whatever he was doing.) Anyway, so I went in and my mom mentions to him that I've been a bit more swollen than usual, and he decides to induce me three days later. I burst out in tears and he promptly left the room. My mom followed him and asked why and the best he could say was "it's just time." I was 39 weeks 1 day that day, and he induced me at 39 weeks 4 days. I would have waited until 42 weeks and been happy with an induction then.
The instructions for an induction told us to eat a large meal the night before, and call the hospital at four am to schedule it that day. We called and they told us to call back around 6:30. I was starving before we even got in the room. They hooked me up to pitocin and made my mom and SO swear they wouldn't sneak me any food in case I ended up needing an emergency c section. I spent the next couple hours enduring my stomach twisting itself into knots, and having pain injected into my arm. (Note, pain doesn't happen in arm, it feels like the most severe period cramping imaginable) They had me hooked up for constant monitoring, and wouldn't let me drink any water. I did that anyway when the nurses weren't in the room. I just gave up and laid in bed enduring it and wishing it would just go away quickly.
The dr popped in and broke my water then headed back out to his practice because he still had appointments scheduled all day. He was gone about 20 minutes when it was time to push. The nurses kept trying to keep me from pushing but I couldn't help myself and they screamed at me each time. When the Dr did come back they put me in a position flat on my back, they had SO and my mom hold each of my legs and every time I had to push they would lift my back up to my knees and hold me there while I pushed. The nurse instructed me to hold my breath while I pushed and to breathe between contractions. This is called purple pushing, and it's not recommended anymore because it can cause fetal heart rate to drop, mom to experience early exhaustion, and increases the risk of tearing. The first time I pushed with the dr there I tried to push while exhaling and breathing through the pain, like every other endurance thing I've ever done, and she yelled at me saying "if you're not going to do it right the baby will never come" and "if she's not holding her breath, just drop her on her back because she clearly needs to rest instead of pushing," to my mom and SO.
Thirty minutes into pushing they made me wear an oxygen mask between pushes because J's heart rate was dropping, and I was already getting exhausted. I started having a panic attacks. I couldn't breathe very well, it was hot, I couldn't advocate for myself at all anymore, and my support system was only listening to the medical staff. I became so stressed I broke the IV in my arm too, but we didn't know that until later. No one noticed how distressed I was and the other nurse just told my SO to put the mask on me between contractions because I kept dropping it.
I pushed for an hour and a half before J was born, and I tore in three places. The Dr didn't numb me before stitching me, and cranked up the pitocin to get the placenta out. I couldn't hold J for ten minutes after he was born because I was in shock and I was shaking and trembling. When I could finally hold him I had to have support from my SO to keep from dropping him because of how weak I was. The only thing I remember feeling positive about his birth was feeling a wave of relief when J was out me. It was like an emotional anvil was taken off of my chest, and I could FEEL again.
I wasn't formally diagnosed with PTSD but I fit all the markers for it. Every time someone brings up potential complications or being induced in a hospital setting I start to have panic attacks. Certain positions during sex cause me to completely shut down, and dry up. I thought it was normal to be emotional and cry when you discuss your child's birth, but it's not. Being told "at least you have a healthy baby, and that's all that matters," breaks me as a person. Every. Single. Time.
-----End TW
My entire pregnancy experience this time is a 180 degree difference from before. I'm in a much more stable home environment with my SO and with J. I've found a medical care provider who prefaced our consultation by saying that they do a completely hands off approach to care, but will answer a text at any time of day to alleviate a concern, and they will not induce unless it truly becomes medically necessary. I'm actually excited and not feeling trapped as an incubator this time!
I'm excited to be sharing this journey with you all, and I'm looking forward to checking in with you all as we move along.
TW-death
I also have anxiety which peaked after seeing a car vs pedestrian accident when I was 23. The man did not survive and I was one of the first on the scene. I struggled with it a lot and felt like I could have done something more to help. End TW
I saw a counselor who I didn't connect with then turned to medication to manage my symptoms. I've taken lexapro for the past 6 years and through my prior pregnancy. I was able to drop down to only 5 mg which was enough to make me feel sane and not have panic attacks. I'm still taking my 10 mg dose now but hope to decrease again within the next few months.
I’ll be hopping in here tomorrow. Glad this thread was created!
I’ve struggled with depression since I was a teen, on and off meds. Tapered off Prozac before my first pregnancy. I was really afraid of falling into another major depressive episode - so lucky that I didn’t. Struggled hard postpartum, but chose not to go back in meds. This pregnancy it’s been hard to tell whether I’m exhausted and disinterested in everything because I’m pregnant & exhausted, or if depression is sneaking up on me. More sleep should help either way, right?
I was put on all sorts of anti-depressants, they couldn't find one that worked with me. At the time there wasn't much or anything specifically for anxiety, I wasn't depressed. I refused to take anymore after a bad experience with one that literally made me emotionally numb but didn't effect my anxiety and I decided to take a handful, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I just thought that maybe it would get rid of my anxiety if I did that. That was the worst damn stomach ache I ever had. Not a bright move on my part. I learned breathing techniques and meditation to help. Smoking pot at night before bed helped me to sleep(before I had my son... the thought of it now actually causes me anxiety). So now I deal as best as I can. I have needed to find something that works for me for anxiety but didn't have insurance till a couple yrs ago. I generally have the worst time around the holidays, I take Xanax on the really bad days when I have had it in the past. I had a couple episodes earlier in the pregnancy but I think nausea and exhaustion have distracted me the last few weeks. So that's a positive. But like I said... holidays... and they are just around the corner.
A little background, I have had stress headaches and symptoms of anxiety since I was around 5 yrs old. I was in the ER a lot of headaches even that young. My mother. Well I don't know if any of your know what narcissistic personality disorder is, but I am positive that she has it, so are the few family members I still associate with. She was also a drug addict and I grew up in a really bad home, I literally worried about the power being shut off every day because she didn't always pay the bills, we had been evicted many times, spent Y2K living in a hotel, I was 12. I remember getting in trouble for reminding her to pay bills. She also exposed me to unsavory people. I dont want to get into more on the subject, too many TWs. Gaslighting was the worst. I am constantly in fight or flight mode, if someone tries to manipulate me, I am very defensive, and can be brutally honest, when provoked. I fight with words not fists.
With my first pregnancy, my biggest fear was that I couldn't love my son, my mother was/is incapable of loving me. I really was terrified that I was broken, I don't know how else to explain this. But I did love my son, pretty much right away(I was pretty welled drugged do to 2 failed epidural, and needing a C/S... they doped me pretty good, so it was probably a day before I was in a good state of mind afterward), I had a hard time letting anyone other than SO even touch him, I ripped him out of someone's arms cuz he started crying once. He finally started school about a yr ago, I had been a stay at home mom the entire time. The only one I have trusted with him besides my SO is my MIL. He's had one over night with her and we checked on him at like 11:30 while he was asleep. It was a struggle not to be a helicopter mom, and I have some guilt from him already learning some of my nervous habits.
Thanks for starting this, it's great that we can all have a place to share and support each other. I hope we make it a weekly thing.
I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, and have had various bouts of depression over my life. Last year my care kind of fell apart when my psychiatrist left private practice, and my family doctor had to retire within the same month, leaving me with no one to follow my condition. Eventually I ended up just going off my medication because I felt like they weren't really doing anything, and I had started developing tinnitus that I was worried was caused by them. Since then I've had some ups and downs for sure, but have managed. Since becoming pregnant I've definitely been finding things rough, I am really sad and really anxious almost all the time. However I don't know how much of that is me being sick and how much is just a normal human response to my father being so sick compounded with the pregnancy hormones and my very stressful job.
My doctor has strongly suggested I consider going back on meds because she says that at least 50% of those who suffered from mental health issues in the past will relapse while pregnant or postpartum. I'm having a hard time deciding what to do and might give it a month or so to see how I feel. I have started back in therapy to try to manage but it's so damn expensive I don't know how long that will last!
@ivyvines6 What a harrowing story, it's awful that a medical practitioner could be so downright abusive and leave you with such trauma. I am really glad you're getting better care this time around.
I developed an anorexia-specific eating disorder in college and struggled with it for about seven years. I don't think I'll ever completely get rid of the thoughts and behaviors associated with it, but things are so much better now--it's completely night and day. I've been nervous about how being pregnant and any associated changes with my body might affect me, but so far everything's been okay. I do often find myself worrying about imparting any of those thought and behavior patterns onto a child, though, given new evidence of eating disorders' at least partially being genetic.
Around the same time I developed my eating disorder, I developed panic attacks and just general anxious thoughts. The anxiety doesn't affect me nearly as much as others (especially some of you on this board), and I'm very thankful for that, but I often find myself worrying about how the baby is doing... It's so hard not to stress about every negative possibility! (@Ceridwen77 and @justsuzie, I soooo hear you about the catastrophic thinking).
TW traumatic experience/abuse
During one session of therapy at intensive outpatient for my eating disorder, a counselor suggested I see a therapist specializing in trauma due to emotional, sexual and one instance of physical abuse from a previous boyfriend. These instances all contributed to my eating disorder/anxiety at the time, but all seems to be well, these days. Having support from my husband and a few close friends has worked wonders. If anyone else on this board has suffered from this, I'm completely all ears and happy to talk.
End TW
Again, thanks for starting this thread. It feels so good to have an outlet for these kinds of issues, and it's nice to know I'm not the only one panicking about all the negative possibilities around this pregnancy. I was just saying to my husband how the whole thing feels like it's just going to be jumping from one worry to the next.
EDIT: Whoa, I did not mean to write this much!
I never really had any mental health issues pre-pregnancy. It never even crossed my mind that I would have any post-partum either. But after my daughter was born, I had PPA and some PPD for the first few months of her life. I was never formally diagnosed. I kept cancelling all of the appointments I made with counselors and eventually got better on my own.
****TW - pregnancy complications****
I would actually say that it really started when I was around 32 weeks pregnant and my blood work showed that my platelet levels dropped to below normal. They were only just below normal and really no cause for alarm but the way my doctor handled everything from then on sent me into a downward, anxiety-ridden spiral. I had some complaints about her my whole pregnancy. She was always so busy. I felt like she gave me the minimal amount of her time at my appointments and made me feel silly for asking questions. But everything was always healthy and normal so it didn't bother me much. Then when she told me about my platelets, I was really scared and had no idea what it meant but she wouldn't tell me anything more about it. She just said she will let the MFM talk to me about it. I get that it's the MFM's job to deal with complications, but I was sitting there crying and she didn't do a thing to put me at ease.
Fast-forward to my 36 week OB appointment and this time there is protein in my urine and she tells me she wants me to stop working. Cue more questions and crying from me and not much support from her. From then on I was so terrified that something was going to go wrong and I was convinced I was dying. I told my doctor how I was feeling and she told me it's normal to worry but I knew it was more than that.
At 38 weeks all of my lab work was actually improving, and I was feeling confident that I was going to be able to make it another 2 weeks. Then when I was 38+2 my doctor called and said she wanted to induce me that night! I was so confused because it seemed like things were getting better. But she told me that she'd be more comfortable if I went in that night, and to just trust her. I now wish I fought back a little more but I didn't know any better and like I said before, she made me feel dumb for asking questions.
Labor was ok. It was Christmas day and my doctor was the only one at the hospital. So whenever I saw her, she was in and out. She said a few things that bothered me throughout the day, like when I told her I'd like to see how long I can go without the epidural and she said "yeah ok just wait until I break your water. You're gonna want the epidural then." When it was time for me to start pushing, she came in and said "give me like 20 minutes because I have another woman on the table waiting for a c-section right now." Thankfully though, I didn't have any complications during labor. I was able to hold my daughter right away but I didn't feel the way I expected to feel. I remember thinking that my husband was happier than I was. I figured I was just too tired to take it all in.
One of the last things my OB said to me at the hospital was to continue to monitor my BP every day because there was a chance of pre-eclampsia coming back. So then I was back to obsessing over my symptoms and convincing myself that something was wrong and I was going to die. Mixed with hormones and sleep deprivation, things got really bad. I was having panic attacks and felt completely disconnected with the world around me. I eventually learned how to cope with the anxiety and depression when I felt it coming on and I'd say I felt completely cured once my daughter was around 6 months old.
****End TW****
This time around, I'm going to see the midwives that my sister and SIL used and rave about. My first appointment isn't until next week but I know it's going to be a completely different experience from last time. Plus I feel more informed and prepared than I did last time so I'm hoping that prevents the anxiety from coming back or at the very least I feel like I know how to handle it now.
Sorry this is so long! It felt good to write it out and things actually started to make sense as I typed. I don't even try to pretend to know what it's like for those of you who deal with these issues on a day-to-day basis but I'm glad this thread exists and we can help support each other. Good vibes out to everyone, you guys rock!
This is a pretty accurate (not 100%) image of what the aura looks like to me when I get it:
My doctor said it is common to get them more often during pregnancy because of our increased estrogen and hormones. I do not have them constantly though, so I'm sorry if this isn't helpful. I'm so sorry you are going through all this.
Also, thinking of all you strong ladies. As someone with varying degrees of depression/anxiety since HS, your courage and strength gives hope.
Married: 8/22/15
BFP #1: 8/22/17 | DS: 4/20/18
BFP #2: 7/14/19 | EDD: 3/18/20
I've always dealt with some level of anxiety, never diagnosed. I'd gotten pretty comfortable controlling it, but often the difficult days start off with bad dreams, and then the rest of the day I have an elevated pulse and fight off panic attacks.
Well, I'm now having super-vivid pregnancy nightmares. I wake up exhausted and don't want to go to sleep. The days after I have them I'm staving off panic attacks all day. Dreams have been better the last few days so I'm hoping my body is adjusting to whatever it needs to adjust to, because otherwise I'm honestly not sure how to fix this.
Much love to you all for sharing.
i have anxiety and depression. The depression was bad while TTGP, but has improved. I'm really nervous about PPD again. I was in such a fog I didn't even realize I had it the first time around. It took me a year to come out of.
My anxiety is in check for the most part, but situationally I have panic attacks. Mostly social situations or when I'm super stressed.
I've never found the right medication balance. I have tried alternatives like acupuncture, hypnotherapy, diet changes, yoga and meditation...I havent found a counselor since moving to a new state. I'm pretty picky, but still trying!
My last therapy round I had some hypnotherapy. I was hesitant at first, but now I'm a believer. It's not a magic cure by any means, but it really helped me circumvent my negative subconscious patterns.
Hyponotherapy is interesting and I would try again. I actually did it while struggling to get pregnant so it's very specific to those struggles. I'd do it again for more general anxieties. I agree it isn't a quick fix, but useful!