@jeanbean15 I agree. MH has to be gone for work on a semi-regular basis and he still gets up with the two year old in the night—not because he isn’t tired or doesn’t work long days or because I won’t get up with him, but because he wants to do it. He has gotten up with DS since he was born. He brought him to me, did diaper changes and snuggled him back to sleep. Because he didn’t want to miss those moments. So there were a lot of days that we were both sleep deprived and exhausted. But we survived. Just do you and don’t worry about how somebody else does their life.
@heatherdubrow Exactly! A sweeping generalization is a great way to put it.
FWIW on the issue, I'm also a SAHM and I woke up with our daughter the first two years of her life until she finally started sleeping through the night in July. There were a handful of times that her father woke up with her, like if I was sick or when I was trying to wean (or the few times I had had a drink.) That's what worked for our family. But I'd never expect everyone else to always do what we do. That's just so ignorant lol!
I for the most part agree that while on leave (and unfortunately mine wasn't and won't be anywhere near a year) it makes sense for the mom to do the majority of wake ups. Especially if breastfeeding. And it's in no way a one size fits all. Our dynamic ended up being completely different.
The first 2.5 weeks my husband was actually off as well (his company has 2 weeks of paternity leave and it ended up coinciding with Independence Day so we got some extra time with my husband at home). I think we both ended up awake because it was just chaotic. At about a month, I had to give up nursing and ended up exclusively pumping because my son just wasn't transferring milk. In order to rebuild (and then maintain) my supply, I had to mimic a newborn feeding schedule (ie 8-9 times a day) except with a pump - but it also took me a long time to empty with a pump. Most people it's 20ish min, for me it was 30ish each time and middle of the night was 40+. More often than not I had to pump while my son was napping, since I was alone with him during the day and couldn't really pump while doing anything with him without spilling milk everywhere. So, I wasn't really getting an opportunity to catch up on sleep.
End result was, it took less time to give my son a bottle and get him back to sleep middle of the night than it took me to pump. Plus, my husband just does better on less sleep than I do and he had a 1 hr train ride in and out of the city for his commute where he napped. So, he took on the feedings and I pumped. We were both up (not necessarily at the same time), but it was the only schedule that worked for us. If I had pumped and fed my son I'd probably be up all night. If nursing had worked out, I don't see the point of us both being up.
For the first 4-6 months, I felt there was no point in having my husband wake up because I was breastfeeding my DD and she was waking up because she was hungry. At around 6-8 months, we started sleep training, and even though my husband worked full time and I was at home on mat leave, for those few weeks, he was the one getting up to console her because the sleep trainer said she was no longer waking up because she was hungry, but out of habit, and not having me get her was better because the smell of my milk would make her more upset since we were stopping feeds through the night. It was only a few weeks, and it was a really nice break for me, and my husband got some bonding time with our DD. Yes he was tired, but I think because we knew it was temporary, and she slept through the night within a couple of weeks, it worked out for us.
@wisewitch222 Do they not check your vitals at your appointments? I feel like blood pressure is pretty important to monitor throughout. But I do get where you're coming from, they aren't super exciting appointments.
@day38 We did that too, I'd pump at night and while he'd feed her. I feel like it helped build their bond too, and he still does her bedtime routine.
Me: 30 H: 30 Dx: PCOS Married: June 2013 TTC#1: January 2015 BFP #1 8/24/15 | MC 9/3/15 at 6w2d BFP #2: 12/12/15 | DD born 8/29/16 TTC#2: June 2017 BFP #3: 7/15/17 | DS born 3/20/18
@jeanbean15 I agree. MH has to be gone for work on a semi-regular basis and he still gets up with the two year old in the night—not because he isn’t tired or doesn’t work long days or because I won’t get up with him, but because he wants to do it. He has gotten up with DS since he was born. He brought him to me, did diaper changes and snuggled him back to sleep. Because he didn’t want to miss those moments. So there were a lot of days that we were both sleep deprived and exhausted. But we survived. Just do you and don’t worry about how somebody else does their life.
This. While there's a lot of hard work involved, there's a lot of special work. I want H & baby to have those special moments together doing things like bedtime routines and snuggling. H wants that, too. I'm also not going to be the only one who does the miserable things like putting eye drops in when the baby has pink eye. We share the good and the bad. That's one of the reasons that I think it's awesome that with H's schedule, once I go back to work, they'll have at least a couple days a week together just the two of them. You just form a different bond when you have opportunity to be the primary caretaker.
Each family needs to do what is going to work for their own dynamic and leaves all of the parties involved feeling like there's an equitable division of labor. For me, even if one partner is a SAHP or is on maternity leave, one spouse working say 10 hours a day doesn't mean that the other one should be signed up to work 24 hours a day and to be responsible for everything. But if that truly works for both people involved, good for them. It's important to create a division of labor which both parties feel is fair.
Me: 34 DH: 38 Married: June 2011 TTC since Feb 2016 BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
I feel like I can't even guess who will be staying up with the baby. I don't think I will know until it's happening. Sometimes H tries to talk about it but I'm not going there. I just want him to know to help me when I need help - not matter what time of day or night it is. Maybe I won't need him for nights ever. Maybe I will. *shrug*
I would love to breastfeed but if that doesn't work and I use formula then you better bet your ass that H is going to be helping. And yes @kiki75 to H helping with things like eye drops and clipping nails.
Also, my husband actually really liked the night feeds/bonding. He still reminisces about cuddling and our son's "fuzzy head." I think he's a little sad that if nursing works out he'll miss out on that. Although I have some ideas for that to get me more sleep and him more participation :-)
I pumped so my husband could do one night feeding. Our daughter was ridiculously difficult, and I couldn't go, go, go 24/7 with her or she would have killed me. Also, my supply wasn't great. My midwife, doula, and a lactation consultant all suggested that trying to get a little bit more sleep would likely help.
Because I love my DH dearly I'm going to say this as lovingly as I know how....he isn't going to do jack at night lol. This has been an ongoing conversation/argument/roast session in our house. I think he's not going to be as comfortable early on. And tbh I am okay with that right now. I can't really afford to stress out about it right now so I'm waiting on the night where I kick him out the bed and make him change his son. We will find our rhythm after that
+1 for doing whatever works best for your family dynamic. I work a job with traditional hours. My husband does not, and it allows him to stay home with the kids 2-3 days a week. So I actually prefer doing MOTN stuff myself, because even though it's hard, it's extra time for me with the kids. I like being a working mom, but it really feels like so much time away. We actually have gotten into a few tiffs over this because he wants to be sure I'm getting enough rest too -- he really is super sweet. And when I do need extra rest, I let him know and he gets up.
We are actually in a sweet spot right now where everyone is STTN -- HOLY GRAIL OF SMALL CHILDREN. KNOCK ON WOOD AND ALL THE THINGS. It's actually my chihuahua that causes the most wakeups in our house. She's kind of a jerk sometimes.
***March '18 October Siggy Challenge: Halloween Costume Fails***
UO I don't like wine. I don't judge pregnant women to have a little here and there within their OB's limits. I've really been wanting rum and coke lately but I know hard liquor in the amount that I like is a no no lol
Also, I love that my husband works night shift because nights that he is home I'll get to sleep if the baby is being fussy. Also, I plan on either pumping or using formula for nights that he is home because I need my sleep.
I think a little wine or beer is probably just fine, but I won’t have any for 2 reasons. 1, I feel like I am using up my probably fine pass by staying on a lowered dose of Zoloft instead of going off it, which is irrational but there it is. 2, I don’t want one small glass of wine, I want 2 large ones! If can’t have that I’d rather save the calories for food. I have twice poured maybe 4 tablespoons of Guinness over vanilla Haagen daas which I highly recommend.
I'm not sure how we'll handle middle of the night stuff, yet. I hope to BF and I've never done it before, so I'm not sure what the timeline with introducing bottles (of pumped breast milk) and whatnot will look like.
But on a related note, I read an interesting article about the unequal share of emotional labor re: house management the other day (HERE). It's something I've thought about before and my H and I are decent this way in the cleaning department. I definitely handle all the bills/taxes/financial planning, though, and I tend to do most of the house "research," whether it's vacation planning or buying a vacuum or whatever.
In the realm of planning/preparing for TTGP/pregnancy/baby, I've definitely taken the helm thus far, which often feels appropriate because it so closely relates to MY BODY, but I definitely don't want us to set the precedent that I'm the one who "runs the show" when it comes to planning and preparing for stuff for our kids in general (arranging childcare/play dates/ doctor's appointments/ activities/ BTS shopping etc etc etc etc).
No other ideas right now; this has just been on my mind.
I just read this yesterday too, and realized again how much my husband is the traditional "wife" in our relationship. We share household responsibilities equally, but he also holds all of those responsibilities in his head while I sit around thinking about anything but until the moment I know I have to load the dishwasher so as not to be a dick roommate. he says it is like living with an agreeable frat boy, I don't try to get out of my half, but I would never go to the dentist again if I lived alone, and I would sleep in a nest of my own clean and dirty clothes.
Chiming in about the newborn nights: I breastfed and did not supplement, so for us it made absolutely no sense to have both of us get up during night feedings, because I always had to get up for 100% of night feedings. What my husband did do, however, that was such a saving grace, was to get up for the day with DS at 6 or 6:30 and take him downstairs and play with him after I fed him while I got to sleep in until 8. (I fear that won't happen with #2 just because s/he will be born during the school year and he will have to leave for work at 7, but it was awesome with DS.)
Now, if I had not exclusively breast fed, it would have totally made sense for my husband to do some of the night time stuff. One of my good friends had a baby a few months before us and she drank 50/50 breast milk/formula, so he got up and did 1-2 night feedings a night during the first few months. I think he and my husband are equally awesome dads, but our kids' diet affected what made sense for who did night time care.
My husband woke up with us for the first week home and it made a huge difference in my recovery. I had bad tearing both times, worse the second time with a sunny-side-up baby, so he would pop up, change baby, then bring baby to me so I could feed her/him. He is a really light sleeper, and I think he felt a lot better doing that than not being part of it and knowing my recovery was going to slowly. (With our first, I had jumped out of bed too quickly on our first night home and tore my stitches, which was brutal, and I think DH feared a repeat!) Beyond that, it's awesome to hear how everyone finds their own right fit for balance!
Re: UO Thursday - 9/28
FWIW on the issue, I'm also a SAHM and I woke up with our daughter the first two years of her life until she finally started sleeping through the night in July. There were a handful of times that her father woke up with her, like if I was sick or when I was trying to wean (or the few times I had had a drink.) That's what worked for our family. But I'd never expect everyone else to always do what we do. That's just so ignorant lol!
The first 2.5 weeks my husband was actually off as well (his company has 2 weeks of paternity leave and it ended up coinciding with Independence Day so we got some extra time with my husband at home). I think we both ended up awake because it was just chaotic. At about a month, I had to give up nursing and ended up exclusively pumping because my son just wasn't transferring milk. In order to rebuild (and then maintain) my supply, I had to mimic a newborn feeding schedule (ie 8-9 times a day) except with a pump - but it also took me a long time to empty with a pump. Most people it's 20ish min, for me it was 30ish each time and middle of the night was 40+. More often than not I had to pump while my son was napping, since I was alone with him during the day and couldn't really pump while doing anything with him without spilling milk everywhere. So, I wasn't really getting an opportunity to catch up on sleep.
End result was, it took less time to give my son a bottle and get him back to sleep middle of the night than it took me to pump. Plus, my husband just does better on less sleep than I do and he had a 1 hr train ride in and out of the city for his commute where he napped. So, he took on the feedings and I pumped. We were both up (not necessarily at the same time), but it was the only schedule that worked for us. If I had pumped and fed my son I'd probably be up all night. If nursing had worked out, I don't see the point of us both being up.
Pregnant with #2:
@day38 We did that too, I'd pump at night and while he'd feed her. I feel like it helped build their bond too, and he still does her bedtime routine.
Dx: PCOS
Married: June 2013
TTC#1: January 2015
BFP #1 8/24/15 | MC 9/3/15 at 6w2d
BFP #2: 12/12/15 | DD born 8/29/16
TTC#2: June 2017
BFP #3: 7/15/17 | DS born 3/20/18
Each family needs to do what is going to work for their own dynamic and leaves all of the parties involved feeling like there's an equitable division of labor. For me, even if one partner is a SAHP or is on maternity leave, one spouse working say 10 hours a day doesn't mean that the other one should be signed up to work 24 hours a day and to be responsible for everything. But if that truly works for both people involved, good for them. It's important to create a division of labor which both parties feel is fair.
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
I would love to breastfeed but if that doesn't work and I use formula then you better bet your ass that H is going to be helping. And yes @kiki75 to H helping with things like eye drops and clipping nails.
Pregnant with #2:
We are actually in a sweet spot right now where everyone is STTN -- HOLY GRAIL OF SMALL CHILDREN. KNOCK ON WOOD AND ALL THE THINGS. It's actually my chihuahua that causes the most wakeups in our house. She's kind of a jerk sometimes.
Also, I love that my husband works night shift because nights that he is home I'll get to sleep if the baby is being fussy. Also, I plan on either pumping or using formula for nights that he is home because I need my sleep.
But on a related note, I read an interesting article about the unequal share of emotional labor re: house management the other day (HERE). It's something I've thought about before and my H and I are decent this way in the cleaning department. I definitely handle all the bills/taxes/financial planning, though, and I tend to do most of the house "research," whether it's vacation planning or buying a vacuum or whatever.
In the realm of planning/preparing for TTGP/pregnancy/baby, I've definitely taken the helm thus far, which often feels appropriate because it so closely relates to MY BODY, but I definitely don't want us to set the precedent that I'm the one who "runs the show" when it comes to planning and preparing for stuff for our kids in general (arranging childcare/play dates/ doctor's appointments/ activities/ BTS shopping etc etc etc etc).
No other ideas right now; this has just been on my mind.
Now, if I had not exclusively breast fed, it would have totally made sense for my husband to do some of the night time stuff. One of my good friends had a baby a few months before us and she drank 50/50 breast milk/formula, so he got up and did 1-2 night feedings a night during the first few months. I think he and my husband are equally awesome dads, but our kids' diet affected what made sense for who did night time care.