Question for TTMs

saisongbird · September 2017

I don't know if any other STMs are feeling this way, but there are times I sit back and think "what the hell are we going having another one?" Granted, DD is 3 and I'm not as active with her as I was before IVF started, but I''m starting to really worry about handling more than one.

Tips? Advice? So often we think about the FTMs that we forget to think about the transition from 1 to 2.

lindsye · September 2017

I am having that thought regularly now; I already have 3 kids and the transition from 3 to 4 is supposedly one of the easier ones. I think a lot of it is the product of how you feel in the immediate here and now - tired, nauseated, low on patience and like a bad parent because of all these things. Then the first trimester ends and you do start to get back to yourself, and it will likely feel more manageable again.

But I'm not going to lie: with each of my transitions there have been some really difficult times/parenting I'm not proud of. At the very end of the my last pregnancy, my then-2 year old wanted to watch Finding Nemo nearly every day and I let her. It was a probably a completely wasted 3 weeks of her development and I felt so guilty about it at the time, but we all got through it unscathed. Then when the newborn baby comes, there will likely be another several months of TV overload and less than ideal parenting.

By the time the new baby has hit three months (or definitely by 6 months), though, everyone has adjusted more or less, and you get another member of your family forever. So I guess the main thing i'm saying is expect periods of weeks where you feel completely overwhelmed and like you're completely failing your older child, but remember that it ends and everyone will come out of it. And if you need to watch Moana a grand total of 500 times to do it, at least it's super cheap childcare: $30 for the Bluray divided by, oh, 100 hours of entertainment = really, really reasonable.

ngolimento · September 2017

I ask myself "what are we going to do?!" Almost every day. My daughter is a BIG momma's girl, and I already feel terrible about how much my husband has had to step in during first tri. It breaks my heart to tell her to read books with him instead of me.

I think it will help that she is staying in daycare during my maternity leave. I will have most of the day to nap and take care of the new baby without her having fits of jealousy. Hopefully that will be our salvation

krrpe99 · September 2017

Thank you @lindsye! That was incredibly helpful! I've heard going from 1 to 2 has been super difficult. It's good to hear that we'll get through it!!!

growingournest · September 2017

saisongbird said:

I don't know if any other STMs are feeling this way, but there are times I sit back and think "what the hell are we going having another one?" Granted, DD is 3 and I'm not as active with her as I was before IVF started, but I''m starting to really worry about handling more than one.

Tips? Advice? So often we think about the FTMs that we forget to think about the transition from 1 to 2.

Thank you so much for asking this- I've been feeling the same way!

lesliegolem · September 2017

Omg thanks for asking this I feel the exact same way. Seems like the house is in chaos now with 2 adults, 2 kids and 3 cats. I've been throwing up and so nauseous I feel bad my girls watch too much tv as it is. Hoping my family of 5 clicks together. Transiting to a family of 4 was extremely rough but it is wonderful now. Chaotic but good usually.

alsbaldwin · September 2017

One thing that helped me was to remember that in 9 months, my kiddo will be in a totally different stage. I got pregnant with #2 when DS1 was 9 months old, and the difference between 9 mos and 18 months is huge. DS2 is 15 months right now, (which seems to be the hardest age for me) and it helps so much to remember that he'll be at such a different stage developmentally when #3 comes along.

Also, one thing I read when I was prepping for DS2 is that if your oldest watches a few (or a lot) of extra Sesame Streets, at least they're learning letters.

whatabout2ndbreakfast · September 2017

ngolimento said:

I ask myself "what are we going to do?!" Almost every day. My daughter is a BIG momma's girl, and I already feel terrible about how much my husband has had to step in during first tri. It breaks my heart to tell her to read books with him instead of me.

I think it will help that she is staying in daycare during my maternity leave. I will have most of the day to nap and take care of the new baby without her having fits of jealousy. Hopefully that will be our salvation

I am wondering about the daycare thing - I was thinking at first to keep DS out of daycare but now I'm thinking it will be better to keep him in his routine. The thing is I'm not sure what my work situation will be like after I'm done with maternity leave, I might move to PT

ladythrice · September 2017

@Peppersmith22 and @Ngolimento we toyed with the question of daycare for DS when DD was born too and we're back at the same question with this one... Right now the #1 concern I have is paying for daycare while I'm on (unpaid) maternity leave. We budgeted it in for DS (then actually never ended up using it... oddly enough) but I don't know that we can swing it for the two kids. I'm hoping we can work out a part-time deal with our center (they are reluctant to do part-time slots for baby-age kids (my DD) because of the room size restrictions, but they did work with us for DS, so they may again).

With DS I wanted to soak up every day I could hanging out with him and DD on maternity leave so after a few weeks of saying (and paying...) we'd send him part-time, I finally just decided that no I was keeping him home. We watched a lot of movies, but we were also incredibly busy. DS likes to get out of the house or he goes stir crazy (same as his momma...) so we had a routine throughout the week and nearly every morning we left the house, came home for lunch/nap, and vegged in the afternoon. I'm looking forward to doing the same... but I think I'll enjoy having two days where the older two are at daycare and its just me and newborn squish binge watching Mommy TV.... lol

ladythrice · September 2017

I'm definitely nervous about the transition to 3. I've hear varying comments about which transition is the hardest. I've heard being outnumbered is a whole new ball of wax and that makes me a bit anxious. However, I've also been told that #3+ are the easiest because at that point you at least feel like you've got a handle on the whole parenting thing lol. For me, transition from 0 to 1 was the hardest transition. 1-2 was a breeze (I think this was somewhat influenced by mental and physical recovery from birth, much easier after DD). I'm crossing all the things that 2-3 is similar to 1-2 for me...

okayrunner · September 2017

This thread is comforting! I'm so nervous about the 1 to 2 transition, but you ladies are making it seem much more manageable!

whatabout2ndbreakfast · September 2017

I agree @okayrunner!! It seems like people love to tell horror stories about going from 1-2 so I'm feeling a little better reading everyone's experiences

irenejean · September 2017

This is a great thread! I'm a little worried about the transition from 1 to 2 as well.

We're planning to keep DS in daycare while I'm on leave too. The main reason is that we love DS's daycare and don't want to lose our spot, but also I can't imagine getting anything done with DS home all day. I think DS will appreciate keeping his routine, and I'll appreciate the alone time with the new LO.

ngolimento · September 2017

@irenejean I am happy to see another mom keeping their LO in daycare while they are on leave. I've had quite a bit of guilt over it (shouldn't I jump on a chance to spend more time with her?), but on the other hand, if this baby is anywhere near as difficult as she was, I just can't do it. It was a really dark time, trying to be a new mother and dealing with all-day colic. The idea it could happen again, and I would be also dealing with a jealous 3 year old who is acting out at the same time is beyond my capacity to handle.

btm013 · September 2017

We are keeping our DS in daycare full time but he drops to two days a week in the summers. I'm terrified!! I'm hoping we can get a routine down. I don't know how I'm going to nurse/pump and care for a newborn and toddler.

Dumbgurl04 · September 2017

Besides maybe the week of the birth, DD will stay in daycare as well. I feel if we keep things as normal as possible the transition from 1 to 2 will be easier.

nond135 · September 2017

Honestly, the transition from 1 to 2 was insanely hard for my, but I had a very clingy, very jealous 2.5 year old and a baby with insane feeding issues for about the first year. After that though I think its been almost easier having 2 than 1 cause they entertain each other. I'm hoping the 2 to 3 transition is way easier...

zombiemom1318 · September 2017

All this daycare talk makes me realize I need to get part time daycare when the baby comes. We took our son out of daycare in June. We just felt we needed the extra grand a month over daycare. Now I'm thinking that extra help may be worth the bill.

saisongbird · September 2017

DD is staying in daycare full time and then will be going to day camp five days a week. It's better for everyone involved.

kmalls · September 2017

Oh man, it just hit me that DS, who starts preschool in November, will be on a regular school schedule. This means he'll be home full-time in the summer. GUYZ WHAT AM I GOING TO DO with a newborn, 18 month old DD and 3 year old DS for three months? Shiiiit I can't believe I hadn't even considered that until now. I was thinking DS would at least be at school a few hours per week. NOPE.

lindsye · September 2017

@kmalls we hired a teacher from my kids' preschool to come to our house during the week the summer I had new baby #3 (I had baby end of May right after school got out) and it was money very well spent. Because yeah, it was crazy, crazy and the kids really enjoyed doing preschool activities with someone who wasn't me while DS and I napped.

kmalls · September 2017

@lindsye that's a really good idea. We've talked about hiring a mother's helper for the first few weeks after DH goes back to work, but now I'm thinking we'll delay that a bit and hire someone for the summer. Also, DS will be 3 so there may be more summer program options for him locally, like a morning nature camp or something.

Its also comforting to know you've been there with transitioning to three and survived!

lesliegolem · September 2017

@kmalls oh I know I just realized today that my 3rd will only be 2 months old when my 5 year old will be out of school for the summer and I'll have my 3 year old. But we'll manage! My hubby gets 12 weeks off and I'm hoping cool relatives will stop by. If not I will hire a mother's helper if I can. It'll work out! It has to haha.

kmalls · September 2017

@lesliegolem 12 weeks for your DH is amazing! We feel lucky my husband can get three!

lesliegolem · September 2017

@kmalls omg you're not kidding!! He got 2 weeks with my 2nd born. His company literally just changed their paternity leave trying to be more family friendly. I can't believe it we are in Michigan I've never heard of a company offering fathers 12 weeks paid off. Maybe in Canada they do or in Europe? With my first born think he got a week and a half....

ladythrice · September 2017

@lesliegolem that's amazing about your DH! I wish more companies were supportive like that.

StephieMK · October 2017

Hi ladies! Now that I know I'm having girl #2, I'm not sure what to do bedroom-wise. My option is to either make a new nursery for new baby or make a big girl room for DD and use old nursery for new baby. My fear of the second option is DD will "feel" pushed out of her room. She will be almost 2 3/4 when baby sisters born. The new baby will sleep in our room for a while since I plan to breastfeed. DD has one of those 4 in 1 cribs that I always planned to convert but now I wonder if it's silly to buy a second. She still sleeps in it as a crib since she's short and doesn't climb out yet. Thoughts or experience with this? TIA!

sapphires-and-diamonds · October 2017

This is tentatively what we are doing: DS will be 3.5 when his brother arrives and I had the same thought about him feeling pushed out of his room. He's going to be going through enough change and I don't want to unnecessarily pile on more. We will make another spare bedroom into the nursery and put DS's crib (also one that converts) in there and get him a new big boy bed. (Yes, he's still in his crib. He doesn't try to climb and he is small for his age age so why bother?)

kmalls · October 2017

@StephieMK our son was 19 months old when our daughter was born. Our original thought was to move him into our second bedroom (which would be a new room for him) with a big boy bed and put the new baby in the nursery.

We ultimately decided to keep our son in his original room with his crib because he's a freaking champ at sleeping -- there was NO WAY I was going to jeopardize him sleeping through the night by changing his surroundings. With a new baby coming, I needed to count on at least one kid sleeping well! It sucked having to buy another crib for the baby in our second room, but it's worked out perfectly and we've got no regrets!

bchalm · October 2017

@StephieMK DD is going to be 26 months when this one is born. We decided we are just going to go on Facebook marketplace and buy a used crib, to save some money. And then the new babe will get they're own room. I'm not going to completely create a new nursery, I'm just going to move the essentials (glider mainly) out of DD's room and into spare room.

lindsye · October 2017

@StephieMK, I'd probably keep everything the same for the first couple months as you all transition (and baby will be in your room anyway) and then, as DD1 gets closer to 3, let her pick whether she wants a new "big girl" room or to stay in the same one. It might give her some feeling of control in a situation with so much change.

irenejean · October 2017

Do any STM+ moms have their kids share rooms? We're thinking of doing that since our third bedroom is in the basement, and at this point I wouldn't want to have either DS or the new baby down there. The new baby would sleep in our room for the first 4-6 months, but we were planning to have the kids share a room at that point.

riversdoctor · October 2017

I may be weird on this but my kids transitioned to a mattress on the floor at a year then when they were comfort with that a bed frame was added. (But mine hated the 4th wall of the crib plus it made it easy to nurse to sleep then leave). We didn’t really have a plan about nursery when ds was born (crib in my room At first was my plan) but dd really wanted him in her room. Around 6 months when he was sleeping consistently we moved the crib to her room and then a twin bed. They love it still. I’m making no room plans for this one until at least a year from now. We have a 5 bedroom house so rooms aren’t a problem but if it’s working I’m not going to change it lol

StephieMK · October 2017

@sapphires-and-diamonds @kmalls @bchalm @lindsye @riversdoctor thanks for the ideas!

@lindsye DD can be pretty opinionated so maybe letting her choose is the way to go. Maybe I'll convert her crib to toddler in the meantime because I think she's starting to hate the confinement. My other worry is that she moves around a lot and is a light sleeper. We share a paper thin wall between the two bedrooms while the 3rd bedroom is across the hall. So depending on if new baby crying in the middle of the night wakes her often, we may make the choice for her and move her to the 3rd room so she gets better sleep.

lindsye · October 2017

@StephieMK, my DD2 slept in a tent on a small mattress on the floor from about 2.5 to 3. She was too wild for a bed off the ground (insisted on jumping on it/off of it after we left at night

) but the tent helped us bridge the gap. Like @riversdoctor said, a mattress on the floor is also a good transition strategy.

If you haven't already, I'd also really recommend getting a good noisemaker. Our favorite one is just audio recordings of different fan noises; it's very simple white noise and you can crank it up as loud as you need. It helps our kids sleep through the others' night wakings/screaming. LectroFan High Fidelity White Noise Machine with 20 Unique Non-Looping Fan and White Noise Sounds and Sleep Timer https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00E6D6LQY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_csM1zbBWPAHEK

StephieMK · October 2017

@lindsye Yeah I can see my DD doing that. She currently likes to jump up and down on the couch while singing "No more monkeys jumping on the bed". This kid! I like @riversdoctor suggestion too and am highly considering it.

ladythrice · October 2017

We're toying with the bedroom decision too right now. Our short-term plan is to keep the baby in our room and keep DD and DS in their own rooms. However we're seriously considering having DD and DS share a room. Like @irenejean I'm curious about others' experiences doing this. We have another room we could use, but its a master-guest room and I'd like to keep it as a guest room for a while. I just don't know how my future 3.5 year old DS and 2 year old DD will do sharing a room.

lindsye · October 2017

This is what we did for DD2 and it worked well for a while. Good luck!

whatabout2ndbreakfast · October 2017

@irenejean We are planning to do the same thing with DS and new baby. But more because we have no choice, as our house only has 2 bedrooms and a third walk-thru "bedroom" that is right at the top of the stairs. We're planning to keep new baby in the third bedroom until we have issues with crib climbing. Then we'll re-evaluate and either they will share a room or we will start looking for a bigger house. I shared a room with my sister until we were 12. I don't see anything wrong with room sharing as long as there isn't issues with sleeping.

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