My light cramping had gone away for a few days, and now it's back - with some pinkness. I feel... wrong. The air smells weird, like a high-pressure system is moving in. I feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness. I don't have an appointment until this coming Friday. I have to try and keep it together. Whatever is going to happen, will happen. It's not like I haven't been here before. I just wanted this to be my last pregnancy, so I didn't have to go through this anymore... It's nice to swan along pretending that nothing will go wrong with this pregnancy until some ugly symptoms pop up. F**k miscarriage.
We are a duel factor infertility couple. It took us 21 months to conceive our daughter and 20 months to conceive this bean. After the joy of sex and intimacy is robbed from you with fertility issues, adding a loss on top of it is just bullshit and cruel. We had a successful IUI in May and, from the beginning, things were never quite right. Lost the baby over July 4th weekend and ended with a D&C.
Numbers are all better this time but I still can't help wondering when that other shoe will drop. I'm going to be 36 soon and we are moving next summer. This is our last chance to have a kid here with my OB who I ADORE and trust implicitly and with amazing insurance. It just seems like it is too perfect to get our wish to come true: I'm having trouble trusting it.
I had these weird "niggles" on my left ovary side and I do not have a corpus luteum cyst, so I'm like what the ef is that? I think it may be constipation and gas though. Also I had a serious bleed last weekend and I am paranoid that will happen again. Oh, and I have spotted brown blood since my bfp. I will be 8 weeks on Wednesday. So pretty much every miscarriage symptom I had/have/will have.
My morning sickness has slightly improved, which made me panicky, although the more logical explanation is that unisom and B6 and working. I am so anxious for my appointment Monday. I'm going to be a mess and I'm so worried something is going to be wrong when we go in. I POAS again yesterday and the test line appeared immediately. Its just such a mind game right now.
So I'm in this weird spot where I feel comfortable because of some nonsense rules I made up in my head about what a healthy pregnancy is. I'll dive in a little. My first pregnancy ended in a loss. Then I got pregnant immediately with DD. So when I got pregnant with DS I felt like something was always going to go wrong because in my head I felt like I had to have a loss before I could have a healthy pregnancy. Which is ridiculous but I always felt like something would happen. Fast forward to now and I had a loss in April so I feel like this one has to be healthy because of that loss. Which makes no sense at all. So right now I have this weird dichotomy where I feel safe but I know anything can happen so I'm still a mess. I need to get to 8 weeks and then I'll relax a little bit. Then when I start feeling this baby move. Then when I hold it in my arms. It's a long time to relaxation.
@sparkymcgeee It's funny how we try to justify and unjustify things to ourselves. You can't help not doing what you re doing. I do it too. Also, I feel whatever though process helps me get through the day is fine no matter what even if it is a stop at crazyville.
My feelings are kind of just meh right now. I feel like ultimate shit so it's hard to believe something could go wrong. I've heard the shittier you feel the better. Hoping that is the case. (Justifying this to myself.) Whenever my nausea or boob pain goes away I freak out. But then it comes back and I wish I had just enjoyed the 3 hours I felt good!
Also, I think it is silly for me to think about miscarriage right now. It only makes my anxiety sky rocket. And I am off anxiety meds for this pg and I can't let my mind go there. But it always seems to veer in that direction.
I've found the app "insight" (free) totally helps with the bad thoughts. There is this one series called "awake" ont he app that has the best positive affirmations.
@sparkymcgeee you put some of my fears into words. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. My second was my son. And now I am pregnant for a 3rd time. I kind of feel like I am supposed to have a miscarriage before a healthy pregnancy b/c that's how it went last time.
@sparkymcgeee you put some of my fears into words. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. My second was my son. And now I am pregnant for a 3rd time. I kind of feel like I am supposed to have a miscarriage before a healthy pregnancy b/c that's how it went last time.
Yeah it's that way for a few loss moms I know. Especially those with successful rainbows after their first pregnancy. I just wish it weren't like this.
This is my pregnancy after loss and I'm saying the same thing to myself even though I know you can have losses back to back. I'm convinced this will be our rainbow because the timing is perfect in that my OB whom I love will be able to deliver me before the move and because my progesterone is soooo much better than last time. (Even though I'm still doing PIO injections)
It's weird what we say to ourselves to make things okay. I don't think I'll relax until I have a pink squish in my arms. And then it's a different kind of stress.
@sparkymcgeee, I have those weird thoughts and "rules" in my head as well.
Our first were ivf babies after 2 losses and several years. I felt like we "earned them". This pregnancy was definitely wanted, but was a gigantic surprise it happened on its own. So I don't feel like we worked hard enough to deserve it, you know?
Luckily, our RE was still willing to monitor me since we had just become return patients in their system. She knew she could watch me more closely than my OB and is ecstatic we didn't need her this time.
I am trying to be more relaxed and be more positive this time around. I didn't get to really enjoy our twin pregnancy because we thought it was too good to be true. We spent a lot of time worrying and honestly, that did no good, only harm. So I'm trying hard to stay in the "whatever will be, will be. Nothing I do will change it" mindset. I even bought a stuffed animal after my first beta was taken and before we got the results.
Me too! I'm constantly counting things as good or bad-- then the next day rewriting the rules to my own list! Ugh. We've had 3 losses over the last year. I agree that I want to be excited and just treasure every minute-- knowing getting pregnant is a big accomplishment (or so they keep telling me). Worries didn't help last time, just so hard to know the right balance of being excited and positive vs too excited and unrealistic. I'm so thankful for this thread. Making my crazy feel less crazy! have a great positive day ladies -- full of those moments that remind us that everything is going to be ok!
Oh my gosh, thank you for putting in to words my fears. In some ways I assume this pregnancy will end in loss because my first was a loss followed by a success. Since I just testing this weekend and found out, I'm still in a daze about it (and a lot of denial). But I am doing the same thing already now that I did last pregnancy. I preface everything with "if this pregnancy is successful" or "if this baby stays." I also have my head focused on "if this baby is meant to end in a miscarriage, please let it happen soon."
I'm also going for a root canal tomorrow and I'm worried that it might cause issues. They say it won't and I want to believe. I actually had it scheduled for last week but put it off a week because my 15 month old needed me that day. I regret not just getting it done. Oh the worries.
Thank you for posting this thread! It's almost like a therapy session for us PGAL's!
We had a loss before our DD, so I've been nervous since I got this BFP. We have passed the "magic week", but that hasn't helped me as much this go around as it did last time. It's so scary not knowing what's going to happen, and if it does, when that will be. I do keep trying to tell myself that since I have symptoms, all is good so that I don't focus so much on the possible negatives. I see the doctor tomorrow, so hopefully that will help wash away some of my fears.
I hope you ladies don't mind me popping in here. It's been 6 years since my loss (DS was 3 months when I got a surprise positive) This is my first pregnancy with DH (second marriage for each of us) but it's still a PGAL for me in a way. @sparkymcgeee I completely understand what you're saying, I had a loss before DS and then everything with him was perfect. Then the loss after, so I'm playing the mind game of 'I had the loss before this one, so I'm good' even though I know that's totally not how it works. but then I also have 'but it's been so long that the pattern can't matter now' pop into my head now and then.
the mind games are the worst
Angel Babies 1&2 2/14/09 DS born 3/11 Angel Baby 3 6/28/11 9/5/17 BFP!! divorced October 2014 9/6/17 hCG 88 progesterone 9.1 (prometrium started) Married DH 10/15 DH's DS born 6/09 9/8/17 hCG 242!!! Not preventing since 11/15 EDD 5/8/18 Adjusted 5/15/18 TTC since 1/1/16 9/27/17 we have a heart beat!
I hope you ladies don't mind me popping in here. It's been 6 years since my loss (DS was 3 months when I got a surprise positive) This is my first pregnancy with DH (second marriage for each of us) but it's still a PGAL for me in a way. @sparkymcgeee I completely understand what you're saying, I had a loss before DS and then everything with him was perfect. Then the loss after, so I'm playing the mind game of 'I had the loss before this one, so I'm good' even though I know that's totally not how it works. but then I also have 'but it's been so long that the pattern can't matter now' pop into my head now and then.
the mind games are the worst
Of course you're welcome. Any pregnancy after any loss is still just a mind game. Obviously. I hate that there are so many of us in this boat. I hate that MC and loss is this hushed conversation people have and not something women realize is normal and common and not at all their fault. I wish it weren't normal and common but unfortunately that's the world we live in. Good luck lady.
Like what @sparkymcgeee said above, unfortunately, it is all too normal and common. Even a bit taboo to talk about publicly. When I saw my doctor for my m/c, he said that the chances of having a m/c are 1/10 and that there's a good chance we've had a super early m/c and didn't know it, thinking it was just a rough period. It certainly doesn't take the worry away, but it does help understand some of the why's.
Like what @sparkymcgeee said above, unfortunately, it is all too normal and common. Even a bit taboo to talk about publicly. When I saw my doctor for my m/c, he said that the chances of having a m/c are 1/10 and that there's a good chance we've had a super early m/c and didn't know it, thinking it was just a rough period. It certainly doesn't take the worry away, but it does help understand some of the why's.
It's actually closer to 1 in 4. 20% and it's heartbreaking.
So heartbreaking. And unfair feeling. A huge part of me doesn't want the reality that miscarriage happens to frequently. I hate that I assume this pregnancy won't be successful because it protects my heart so much more than to get excited just to have to experience the loss.
Driving myself a little crazy today. Three tests have been positive (faint) but both CB digital I've used have said not pregnant. And today I had some watery spotting for a minute. So I texted my husband that this one might not stick. I suppose I will stop driving myself mad and stop poas and just wait two weeks for my doctors appointment (that's not true. I'm totally just saying that and will 100% poas tomorrow morning).
Between my experiences and my good friend from college **TW** she had a very happy and healthy pregnancy and delivery, but for some unknown reason, her DS passed away within a few hours**End TW** I've been looking into becoming a doula that specializes in birth after loss. My kids are too young right now for me to be able to devote the time I would need to actually attend births at the drop of a hat, but it gives me time to do the research and really prepare myself for it.
I ended up with PPD after my last m/c and once my mom convinced me to go to the dr I was offered meds, which I was trying to avoid, or therapy, which my insurance wouldn't cover. So.... I made the world my therapy group. I started to share my story and my hurt, first with close friends and a couple co-workers, and then it spread. And I realized, not only was it therapeutic for me, but also for these other women- and men!- who had been touched by these losses some of them hadn't felt comfortable sharing their hurt because it wasn't theirs (their wife, daughter, best friend, etc, had suffered the loss) or they had been carrying the hurt for a long time since the days when it was more than just uncomfortable whispers and more and complete and utter faux pas to ever speak a word of it. It was sad, yes, but so amazing to realize the support system that we have. This network of people who have lived through it and made it to the other side in someway. Never the same, but still breathing, still living, still strong. We just have to put ourselves out there, step just a little out of the comfort zone to see just how big and supportive our community really is.
Angel Babies 1&2 2/14/09 DS born 3/11 Angel Baby 3 6/28/11 9/5/17 BFP!! divorced October 2014 9/6/17 hCG 88 progesterone 9.1 (prometrium started) Married DH 10/15 DH's DS born 6/09 9/8/17 hCG 242!!! Not preventing since 11/15 EDD 5/8/18 Adjusted 5/15/18 TTC since 1/1/16 9/27/17 we have a heart beat!
@ladystinson so well put. Very helpful. @June2016BabyW the digitals are much less sensitive and require a lot more hcg than the non-digital ones, so they won't give you a positive reading until you're further along. Don't get discouraged.
Me, 35 Hubs, 32 Married June 2012 BFP June 2013- blighted ovum, D&C Aug 2013 BFP Oct 2013- twins! A&H born May 2014 BFP Aug 2017- EDD 5/8/17
@sandbar517 I keep hoping that is it. I keep trying not to play the counting game *if I ovulated this day then I should be this far along and my hcg should be enough to trigger it. But maybe I ovulated but took longer to implant so maybe I'm still in the early stages. But then again....*. It's like that math question of if a train leaves a station at this time, how many donuts did the dog eat. If I keep staring at the days and time frame between last period and today, the stick will magically turn positive.
I go for an 8 week ultrasound on Friday. Doctor says after that we will start them monthly and I was ok with it at first but now I'm scared. Scared I'll go in for my 12 week and it's not gonna be ok. I'm scared to go in Friday. I saw his/her heartbeat already and I don't have any reason to feel something will be wrong (no cramping, no bleeding, still nauseated and exhausted) but I can't help it.
I made it through my first appointment. I get so anxious whenever I go in but as soon as I saw that little heartbeat I was able to relax a bit. Since I lost my first at 9 weeks 2 days I'm still worried. My next appointment isn't for another month but at least my DH will be able to go with me. My anxiety is through the roof every time I go in. It was the same with my DS. I just didn't feel like he was safe until I held him in my arms.
@jessnoel89 yes!! I just need babe here and safe and then I can figure it out from there!
@3littles3angels that fear sucks and zaps all the excitement out of these appointments, doesn't it?? Instead of waiting with baited breath for a glimpse, we wait, holding our breaths, with hope that we will hear that thud thud thud of a heart beat or that the technician will find the baby right away and give us some indication that every thing is "ok".
I know this makes me sound crazy, but I had a good feeling when I found out I was pregnant this time. With my m/c before DD2, I just felt that it wasn't meant to be and something was off from the minute I got the BFP. Didn't make having a m/c any easier. But I just can't help feeling constantly doomed. Every time I feel wet down there I'm convinced it's blood. Every time I wipe I prepare myself to see blood. Every cramp I feel I'm convinced is the end of the line. Every symptom that disappears feels like the baby is disappearing, too. And it's horrible to go through pregnancy this way. I have my first appointment tomorrow and I'm just besides myself with worry. I'm also scrambling to find someone to watch my girls since I'm a dummy and forgot they have off school this week. There's no way I can take them to the place they KNOW is the "baby doctors" and have them not figure it out, and I cannot face telling them that they won't be big sisters, all while dealing with a blow I don't know I'm prepared to handle.
@yesthisiskim0401 Yes - every time I wipe I am so nervous about seeing blood. Sometimes I'll go to the bathroom just to make sure there isn't any.
I am also freaking out about my thyroid levels since they were too high when they got tested on Saturday. High TSH can cause miscarriage. I just read a study by the American Thyroid Association that states my current level didn't indicate a higher mc risk, which is helping relieve my stress a bit, but I will be nervous until I test again in 4 weeks.
I had red vines over the weekend and I regretted that decision when I saw red later. Sorry TMI. I'm just glad I realized what it was before I really freaked out.
@GeekBeagle Ohhh, sometimes internet research can be reassuring? This NEVER happens for me so it take every urge for me to not look anything up. Glad you found some positive reassurance though.
@yesthisiskim0401 Ugh, I always think the worst too. I schedule my therapy appointments on the same day as my ultrasounds.
@jessnoel89 I feel the same way about appointments. I'm kinda just bracing for bad news each time.
I ended up with PTSD after my second loss. I bottled everything up and it turned me into a nervous anxious wreck. I didn't eat of sleep for weeks. I finally broke down and began seeing a therapist that specializes in loss. Best thing I ever did.
@yesthisiskim0401 Yes! I felt the exact same way with my last pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I just *knew* it wasn't going to happen. I never believed I would have a baby in January. Didn't make it any easier to lose the baby only because I then convinced myself I willed it to happen, but still. I felt it in my gut.
This time is totally a different sensation. I can see that baby in my arms. I can picture feeling the first movement and sharing with family. I am planning the pregnancy announcement. It feels right this time.
@yesthisiskim0401 Yes! I felt the exact same way with my last pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I just *knew* it wasn't going to happen. I never believed I would have a baby in January. Didn't make it any easier to lose the baby only because I then convinced myself I willed it to happen, but still. I felt it in my gut.
This time is totally a different sensation. I can see that baby in my arms. I can picture feeling the first movement and sharing with family. I am planning the pregnancy announcement. It feels right this time.
Exactly! I'm glad I'm not alone. I think our good feelings mean a lot more than our worries.
@yesthisiskim0401 literally my whole pregnancy with my daughter, every time I wiped I checked and expected to see blood. It was the weirdest feeling after she was born to no longer have that worry, since it had been with me for so long!
I love the good feelings you ladies are having and i say stick with those good feelings! We can't let anxious thoughts and worry command our next 35ish weeks.
I took two more pregnancy tests today. One of those Wal-Mart ones and a CB digital. Used the same FMU to test. The Wal-Mart was still a very faint positive but I was shocked when the digital actually came back saying pregnant this time. I'm deciding to embrace and love the fact that I am pregnant right now.
@yesthisiskim0401 you are definitely not alone! This is the first pregnancy where I feel like everything is going to be ok, I don't have the looming sense of doom that I had with both m/c's but honestly even with DS I had it until I hit second tri.
I'm not sure how old your girls are but do any of the libraries or parks around you have programs during the week? a lot of the ones around here will do like longer reading groups during the day and some of them you can just drop off- if you're comfortable and they're old enough of course. Also, some churches that have daycare will take drop-ins during school closings. just a thought. good luck!
Angel Babies 1&2 2/14/09 DS born 3/11 Angel Baby 3 6/28/11 9/5/17 BFP!! divorced October 2014 9/6/17 hCG 88 progesterone 9.1 (prometrium started) Married DH 10/15 DH's DS born 6/09 9/8/17 hCG 242!!! Not preventing since 11/15 EDD 5/8/18 Adjusted 5/15/18 TTC since 1/1/16 9/27/17 we have a heart beat!
Just went and got bloodwork done to check hcg and progesterone to see if there is any apparent reason for the spotting. Every finger and toe crossed that everything looks good today and looks good upon repeat on Friday.
Well, I've spent the morning over googling and worrying myself that this will be another loss. Literally no reason, nothing happened, no bleeding or cramps- just free time in my brain.
Hey ladies! Just intro'd yesterday. Hope it's ok I just jump in.
today I'm having a scared today. So that's so fun.
but i have a question. I just called my OB to tell her about the positive tests cause she had said when I find out, call her right away. I figured for beta checks or just to get me on the ultrasound schedule for a couple wks from now. But they have me coming in tomorrow? I'm 2 seconds pregnant. So I'm assuming I'm basically going to pay a $40 copay for a pee stick and her to hand me scripts... that can be sent electronically
me:35 DH:34 DS: born oct 2012 TFAS: BFP #1 aug16. miscarriage sept16 BFP #2 nov16 MMC dec16. d&c jan17 BFP #3 sept17 EDD 5/31/18 fingers crossed for our rainbow baby
Re: PGAL 9/16
We are a duel factor infertility couple. It took us 21 months to conceive our daughter and 20 months to conceive this bean. After the joy of sex and intimacy is robbed from you with fertility issues, adding a loss on top of it is just bullshit and cruel. We had a successful IUI in May and, from the beginning, things were never quite right. Lost the baby over July 4th weekend and ended with a D&C.
Numbers are all better this time but I still can't help wondering when that other shoe will drop. I'm going to be 36 soon and we are moving next summer. This is our last chance to have a kid here with my OB who I ADORE and trust implicitly and with amazing insurance. It just seems like it is too perfect to get our wish to come true: I'm having trouble trusting it.
My first pregnancy ended in a loss. Then I got pregnant immediately with DD. So when I got pregnant with DS I felt like something was always going to go wrong because in my head I felt like I had to have a loss before I could have a healthy pregnancy. Which is ridiculous but I always felt like something would happen. Fast forward to now and I had a loss in April so I feel like this one has to be healthy because of that loss. Which makes no sense at all.
So right now I have this weird dichotomy where I feel safe but I know anything can happen so I'm still a mess. I need to get to 8 weeks and then I'll relax a little bit. Then when I start feeling this baby move. Then when I hold it in my arms. It's a long time to relaxation.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
My feelings are kind of just meh right now. I feel like ultimate shit so it's hard to believe something could go wrong. I've heard the shittier you feel the better. Hoping that is the case. (Justifying this to myself.) Whenever my nausea or boob pain goes away I freak out. But then it comes back and I wish I had just enjoyed the 3 hours I felt good!
Also, I think it is silly for me to think about miscarriage right now. It only makes my anxiety sky rocket. And I am off anxiety meds for this pg and I can't let my mind go there. But it always seems to veer in that direction.
I've found the app "insight" (free) totally helps with the bad thoughts. There is this one series called "awake" ont he app that has the best positive affirmations.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
It's weird what we say to ourselves to make things okay. I don't think I'll relax until I have a pink squish in my arms. And then it's a different kind of stress.
I'm so thankful for this thread. Making my crazy feel less crazy!
have a great positive day ladies -- full of those moments that remind us that everything is going to be ok!
I'm also going for a root canal tomorrow and I'm worried that it might cause issues. They say it won't and I want to believe. I actually had it scheduled for last week but put it off a week because my 15 month old needed me that day. I regret not just getting it done. Oh the worries.
We had a loss before our DD, so I've been nervous since I got this BFP. We have passed the "magic week", but that hasn't helped me as much this go around as it did last time. It's so scary not knowing what's going to happen, and if it does, when that will be. I do keep trying to tell myself that since I have symptoms, all is good so that I don't focus so much on the possible negatives. I see the doctor tomorrow, so hopefully that will help wash away some of my fears.
BFP 2/25/14 EDD 11/5/14 BD 11/4/14
BFP 8/26/17 EDD 5/5/18
the mind games are the worst
DS born 3/11
Angel Baby 3 6/28/11 9/5/17 BFP!!
divorced October 2014 9/6/17 hCG 88 progesterone 9.1 (prometrium started)
Married DH 10/15 DH's DS born 6/09 9/8/17 hCG 242!!!
Not preventing since 11/15 EDD 5/8/18 Adjusted 5/15/18
TTC since 1/1/16 9/27/17 we have a heart beat!
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
BFP 2/25/14 EDD 11/5/14 BD 11/4/14
BFP 8/26/17 EDD 5/5/18
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
Driving myself a little crazy today. Three tests have been positive (faint) but both CB digital I've used have said not pregnant. And today I had some watery spotting for a minute. So I texted my husband that this one might not stick. I suppose I will stop driving myself mad and stop poas and just wait two weeks for my doctors appointment (that's not true. I'm totally just saying that and will 100% poas tomorrow morning).
Between my experiences and my good friend from college **TW** she had a very happy and healthy pregnancy and delivery, but for some unknown reason, her DS passed away within a few hours**End TW** I've been looking into becoming a doula that specializes in birth after loss. My kids are too young right now for me to be able to devote the time I would need to actually attend births at the drop of a hat, but it gives me time to do the research and really prepare myself for it.
I ended up with PPD after my last m/c and once my mom convinced me to go to the dr I was offered meds, which I was trying to avoid, or therapy, which my insurance wouldn't cover. So.... I made the world my therapy group. I started to share my story and my hurt, first with close friends and a couple co-workers, and then it spread. And I realized, not only was it therapeutic for me, but also for these other women- and men!- who had been touched by these losses some of them hadn't felt comfortable sharing their hurt because it wasn't theirs (their wife, daughter, best friend, etc, had suffered the loss) or they had been carrying the hurt for a long time since the days when it was more than just uncomfortable whispers and more and complete and utter faux pas to ever speak a word of it. It was sad, yes, but so amazing to realize the support system that we have. This network of people who have lived through it and made it to the other side in someway. Never the same, but still breathing, still living, still strong. We just have to put ourselves out there, step just a little out of the comfort zone to see just how big and supportive our community really is.
DS born 3/11
Angel Baby 3 6/28/11 9/5/17 BFP!!
divorced October 2014 9/6/17 hCG 88 progesterone 9.1 (prometrium started)
Married DH 10/15 DH's DS born 6/09 9/8/17 hCG 242!!!
Not preventing since 11/15 EDD 5/8/18 Adjusted 5/15/18
TTC since 1/1/16 9/27/17 we have a heart beat!
@June2016BabyW the digitals are much less sensitive and require a lot more hcg than the non-digital ones, so they won't give you a positive reading until you're further along. Don't get discouraged.
Married June 2012
BFP June 2013- blighted ovum, D&C Aug 2013
BFP Oct 2013- twins! A&H born May 2014
BFP Aug 2017- EDD 5/8/17
Rylee 2.18.09
Kaitlyn 12.20.09 (36 week preemie)
Ziva 8.12.13 (31 week preemie)
Losses: 2.3.17 - 4.19.17 - 7.25.17
@3littles3angels that fear sucks and zaps all the excitement out of these appointments, doesn't it?? Instead of waiting with baited breath for a glimpse, we wait, holding our breaths, with hope that we will hear that thud thud thud of a heart beat or that the technician will find the baby right away and give us some indication that every thing is "ok".
But I just can't help feeling constantly doomed. Every time I feel wet down there I'm convinced it's blood. Every time I wipe I prepare myself to see blood. Every cramp I feel I'm convinced is the end of the line. Every symptom that disappears feels like the baby is disappearing, too. And it's horrible to go through pregnancy this way.
I have my first appointment tomorrow and I'm just besides myself with worry. I'm also scrambling to find someone to watch my girls since I'm a dummy and forgot they have off school this week. There's no way I can take them to the place they KNOW is the "baby doctors" and have them not figure it out, and I cannot face telling them that they won't be big sisters, all while dealing with a blow I don't know I'm prepared to handle.
All the positive vibes to the women here.
I am also freaking out about my thyroid levels since they were too high when they got tested on Saturday. High TSH can cause miscarriage. I just read a study by the American Thyroid Association that states my current level didn't indicate a higher mc risk, which is helping relieve my stress a bit, but I will be nervous until I test again in 4 weeks.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
@yesthisiskim0401 Ugh, I always think the worst too. I schedule my therapy appointments on the same day as my ultrasounds.
@jessnoel89 I feel the same way about appointments. I'm kinda just bracing for bad news each time.
I ended up with PTSD after my second loss. I bottled everything up and it turned me into a nervous anxious wreck. I didn't eat of sleep for weeks. I finally broke down and began seeing a therapist that specializes in loss. Best thing I ever did.
This time is totally a different sensation. I can see that baby in my arms. I can picture feeling the first movement and sharing with family. I am planning the pregnancy announcement. It feels right this time.
I love the good feelings you ladies are having and i say stick with those good feelings! We can't let anxious thoughts and worry command our next 35ish weeks.
I took two more pregnancy tests today. One of those Wal-Mart ones and a CB digital. Used the same FMU to test. The Wal-Mart was still a very faint positive but I was shocked when the digital actually came back saying pregnant this time. I'm deciding to embrace and love the fact that I am pregnant right now.
I'm not sure how old your girls are but do any of the libraries or parks around you have programs during the week? a lot of the ones around here will do like longer reading groups during the day and some of them you can just drop off- if you're comfortable and they're old enough of course. Also, some churches that have daycare will take drop-ins during school closings. just a thought. good luck!
DS born 3/11
Angel Baby 3 6/28/11 9/5/17 BFP!!
divorced October 2014 9/6/17 hCG 88 progesterone 9.1 (prometrium started)
Married DH 10/15 DH's DS born 6/09 9/8/17 hCG 242!!!
Not preventing since 11/15 EDD 5/8/18 Adjusted 5/15/18
TTC since 1/1/16 9/27/17 we have a heart beat!
Literally no reason, nothing happened, no bleeding or cramps- just free time in my brain.
today I'm having a scared today. So that's so fun.
but i have a question. I just called my OB to tell her about the positive tests cause she had said when I find out, call her right away. I figured for beta checks or just to get me on the ultrasound schedule for a couple wks from now. But they have me coming in tomorrow? I'm 2 seconds pregnant. So I'm assuming I'm basically going to pay a $40 copay for a pee stick and her to hand me scripts... that can be sent electronically
DS: born oct 2012
TFAS: BFP #1 aug16. miscarriage sept16
BFP #2 nov16 MMC dec16. d&c jan17
BFP #3 sept17 EDD 5/31/18
fingers crossed for our rainbow baby