One Last Try...(loss mentioned)

pmv81 · September 2017

Hi All,

Re-intro, I'm 36 and my DH is 40. I originally started participating on these boards back in 2014 when we were trying for our DD. My husband is sterile, so we decided to try for our family with donor sperm. We had one amazing successful IUI and since then, no luck. Since April 2016, I've had 2 IUI cycles and 2 IVF cycles - the latest cycle was in July and it worked, however I lost the baby 2 weeks ago. I feel like I have a whole in my heart, like I can't breathe when I sit and focus on it...my sister has come into town to visit me for my birthday and I've been able to be distracted but she leaves tomorrow and I see myself going backwards in my grieving process. I don't want to be an absent mother to my sweet girl and at the same time I feel so devastated for the loss of the future I had already envisioned so clearly for us. We have no more donor vials left, but I have one frozen embryo for a last shot at being pregnant. We won't go through any more cycles - it's all been out of pocket and we simply can't afford to keep going down that road. But we are open to adoption and will explore that if the time comes.

I just feel like I need to be in a positive place for the last cycle to have any shot at working and right now I can't even imagine being in that positive headspace. I know it's still so early and I feel far from that, but for those who can relate - does that get easier at some point? Both for financial reasons and due to a our military PCS, we won't try until January. And another part of me doesn't want to put it on pause for that long, but we don't really have a choice. I just feel so frustrated, SAD, angry, etc.

Sorry if my post is all over the place, I'm having a hard time getting all my thoughts together. Also, the first two IVF cycles were fresh cycles and the last is frozen. Does anyone have any positive experience with switching to frozen after fresh cycles?

Thanks in advance for any replies, my husband and family/friends have been great but I'm still feeling ALONE in my feelings and could use the support of others who have similar experiences.

BusinessWife · September 2017

Congratulations on your beautiful daughter! ❤ We have only done our first ivf cycle and did not attempt a fresh transfer. But my husband has azoo, and while we were lucky enough to retrieve sperm from him, there's still no telling how strong our embryos might be... It's definitely scary not knowing how an FET may turn out, especially with just one left. And coming off such a painful loss, I'm sure is not easy either. I'm so sorry. (((Hugs))) There is just so much uncertainty with IF. But I do believe FET yields great results! Fx your last little fighter makes it to the outside! Hopefully the break till January, even tho it's not what you would have chosen, is just the break your heart needs to heal and be ready to move forward with a more positive outlook... you're definitely not alone. ❤

Cowboycorgi · September 2017

Lurker *TW child mentioned*

I have had success with both fresh and frozen rounds. My clinic, however, has a higher success rate with frozen embryo transfer. I believe most clinics have higher rates of success with frozen as it allows your body to heal from egg retrieval, and your uterus is a more welcoming environment for receiving an embryo.

Maybe you should comtact your clinic and ask what their FET rates of success are for your age range? That might give you a bit more hope and boost your positive attitude.

Good luck

cseley321 · September 2017

Loss is the worst, and paired with infertility it's just devestating. I am sorry you are having to go through this, but as mentioned, FET can have a pretty decent success rate! Keep your chin up and try and stay positive

hibiscus118 · September 2017

Lurker here now and TW (child mentioned)

We also had MFI and a one way ticket to IVF. Our fresh cycle last November was not successful but our FET in February was and now I am almost 32 weeks pregnant. Don't give up hope. I feel like the FET worked because my body had time to heal after the egg retrieval. Good luck

pmv81 · September 2017

Thank you all so much for your replies @hibiscus118 @Crystal321 @Cowboycorgi @BusinessWife I'm sitting here in tears but I feel like there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Really appreciate your kind, encouraging words.

Magallyta · September 2017

@pmv81 I am so sorry for your loss. There definitely is hope, have faith & stay positive. These boards will really help you as the ladies on here are supportive & very informative.

Hopeful_mom · September 2017

@pmv81 nI'm so sorry for your loss and journey BUT congrats on your baby girl!! At least you know the process can and does work. As many have saud FET does work. As you can see in my siggy in the spoiler box ive had a tough journey myself...I still haven't update my journey as I've gone through 8 cycles of IVF and I'm still waiting on my miracle. I really wanted to touch on the loss your going through...not sure how far long you were but it really rips your heart out. (TW) I was very lucky that my fresh transfer work at 40 and was pregnant with twins for 10 wks, and had a terrible MC where it was as if I was giving birth and was rushed to the ER. All that doesn't matter but it happened in Jan of this year and I just cried on the train coming to work as I'm prepping for my first FET which is this Monday. Am I so excited to FINALLY get back to where I was 100% But is my pain any less, not right now. They were due in the summer so I'm not sure if thats why I've been having a tougher time I don't know. Everyone says it gets easier but the pain never goes away. I don't have kids so for me I just think thats why its killing me more....I don't know. I really hope your body and heart heal quickly and you're magical frostie is your miracle take home!! Hope is the only thing we really have left so try to believe in it as you know your body can do it - best of luck to you!

pmv81 · September 2017

@Hopeful_mom Thank you for sharing your story and encouraging words for remaining hopeful. My heart aches for you as I read what you've been through, truly I'm so very sorry for your loss and for your struggle. I'll be praying that Monday goes well and you're on your way to bringing home your miracle baby. I will certainly be looking to follow your story for updates, thank you for encouraging me to remain hopeful. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

One Last Try...(loss mentioned)

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