GTKY STM+: Growing family hurdles

ladythrice · September 2017

I want to crowd source STM+ and ask about what hurdles you've faced directly related to increasing your family size. I'm curious because I'd like to know other's perspectives and I think it might be helpful for FTMs to read. I know that as a FTM I would have appreciated some insight into potential hurdles so I could at least mentally prepare myself.

I'm curious about your thoughts generally on this subject but would like you to specifically consider the following:

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids?
Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc)

ladythrice · September 2017

1. What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids?
For me truly learning what sleep deprivation is was the hardest thing I've faced. I love sleep. A lot. My kids, while not the worst sleepers I've ever heard of, have their moments/issues. I'm not sure you can ever 'prepare' for sleep deprivation but lordy I had no idea.

2. Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc)
I was always told that the transition between 1-2 kids is the hardest transition. I'm curious if other people agree with that statement. For me the hardest transition was 0-1 without a doubt. It was earth rocking/shattering to me to adjust my mental thought processes from 'life is about my needs and wants' to 'life is about this amazing being's needs and wants and apparently he wants to do nothing but be attached to me 28 hours a day.' I had a difficult birth recovery (C/S) and I some post-partum anxiety (I finally asked for meds at about 11 months PP but my OB was hesitant to prescribe me anything since I was pregnant with #2). We also had a lot of life changes occur right at the same time: DH got a new job, we bought a new house, moved, were trying to sell an old house, holidays, etc. Anyway, flash forward to the transition after DD arrived and it was like a cake-walk...

I am a bit nervous about the transition to the 3rd though so I'm curious what others will say!

angiek1 · September 2017

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids?

@ladythrice is right, learning to operate on little sleep was a huge adjustment. The biggest thing for me was reprioritizing my life. I am a very social person and it was hard for me to be okay with missing out on friend gatherings to stay home. I also work a very high demand job, so it was a big lesson for me to know when I was at my capacity and how to take nights off of working. Before kids I could work anytime, any where. Now I have to say no I'm not working at night and limit my hours. I feared it would limit my ability to grow and succeed in my career, but if anything I've learned how to cram more into my 8-5 than I did before. I goof off less at work (except for when I'm bumping like now, whoops) and focus on getting stuff done.

Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc)

From one to two kids wasn't hard. I mean you can still play man to man coverage. It was tough at times because my daughter was 2.5 and wanted me to hold her, but I had the baby, but DH was fantastic at stepping in and wooing her over. We are going from two to three and I'm a little nervous. Luckily my girls are going to be almost 7 and 4.5 when this one is born so I think they will be able to handle the big change better. Plus my oldest is very self sufficient so I think we'll be okay and she will be a super helper.

kmalls · September 2017

Great post!

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids?

Remembering that my own health (mental as well as physical) and happiness is just as important as everyone's around me. It's really easy to completely lose yourself in the everyday tasks that consume you when trying to care for an infant/toddler. When my first was born, I didn't read a book or go to the gym for almost a year. I LOVE reading and I love working out, but I was so focused on keeping this little person alive and being a wife and running our household that I 100% lost tack of what makes me happy. Even after #2 was born it was still a struggle, but I was much more aware that I'm a better mother when I'm happy with myself, and I carved out a lot more time to just be me for a little while.

Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc).

Both transitions were tough but in very different ways. I'd say overall going from 0-1 was waaaay harder than 1-2. I got pregnant with DS on our honeymoon and DH and I had only been together a year before we got married. We were still trying to figure out how to effectively communicate while simultaneously caring for a newborn. We had some arguments. I swear there is no bigger stress than that of a newborn, and it's TOUGH. The silver lining is that it made our marriage super strong and those communication issues are gone.

Transitioning from 1-2 was way harder on me, personally. I suffered from PPD and spent about 6 months in a cloud of depression. My husband was amazing but I had no idea how terrible I had been feeling until the fog lifted. I'll reach out for help much more quickly this time around.

irenejean · September 2017

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids?
The lack of sleep is rough. DS has always been a good sleeper too, I think he was only waking up twice sometime around 4/5 months, but man we still have sleep issues pop up and he's 2 now.

I feel like another issue is making time for ourselves. I'm more inclined to go out for a girls night or do something for myself while DH watches DS. I think DH could use some more away time, but he's not great about making plans. He's slowly getting better at this though.

Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc)
0 to 1 was tough, but mostly because I think learning how to be a parent is all around tough. Looking forward one thing that will be easier about 1 to 2 is that we've already gone through the newborn and infant phase. I think one thing that will be more challenging going from 1 to 2 will be making time for ourselves (see above). It's easy to leave DH with one kid, but I think that's going to be a lot more difficult when we have two.

ngolimento · September 2017

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids? I think my biggest challenge has been "fairness" in parenting. My husband needs a lot more sleep than I do, and was not used to sleep deprivation. He also is a man, and therefore wouldn't notice the subtleties of someone struggling unless it was basically written in crayon. It was hard to not resent him, and to adjust to bald-faced asking for help. It still stings when he sits on the couch on his phone while I've been entertaining my kid for hours, and I have to ask him to parent his kid. But I have to let it go and be grateful that he will do it, since a lot of partners don't get even get that.

Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc) 0-1 was surprisingly easy for me. My hormones kicked in hard, and my brain almost instantly re-wired to center on my DD. It was shocking, because I am not a kid person, and am normally extremely solitary in nature. My life just swing on its axis and refocused instantly and seamlessly to me. What I am really worried about is going to two kids. My DD is very much a momma's girl, and can't even share my lap with the cat. On the other hand SHE is extremely maternal (she takes care of the one year olds when they transfer to the toddler group at daycare) and I think once she gets past the jealousy issues, she will be an amazing big sister.

Dumbgurl04 · September 2017

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids?
I'm not really sure maybe just making sure that there is someone to watch DD. My parents have been a great support system with babysitting and now that she older having her over for sleeper overs. We usually make sure to plan way in advance with them, I do feel though out of me and my two brothers we use my parents less to watch DD but I feel we also plan better with them. Although there was one time I called them last minute upset because DH couldn't watch DD as planned and I felt bad asking them on such sort notice (this was 11 month PP so maybe I was still a little hormonal). My MIL on the other hand has been a challenge we can't depend on her at all. She will tell us she is coming over and then the day of when she doesn't show up at her normal time and DH calls her she says she changed her mind. So when we want to see movies (we usually buy tickets ahead of time) we don't even ask her because who knows if she will cancel or not. Plus she told us not to bring DD to her house (she is sort of a hoarder, not as bad as the show but she has a lot of junk in her house) then she complains that she doesn't even get to have DD over for sleeper overs. DH just ignores her when she complains like that but it bugs me that she gives us such a hard time for something that we have no control over.

Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc)
I'll find out if going from 1 to 2 is hard, going from 0 to 1 was hard just because I couldn't leave work and go see a movie (one that husband doesn't want to see) or just having the freedom of being able to go anywhere whenever. Plus not getting to sit in the bar at a restaurant cause usually some of them have first come first serve sitting. I know that is completely lame but it's amazing how exciting it is to be able to do when you don't have a baby or toddler with you.

Just to add and you will all probably hate me for this. Sleeping has not been a struggle for me. Even when DD was a newborn I could wake up, feed her, and then go right back to bed as if nothing happen. DD was also sleeping through the night around 4-5 months and even having a few bad nights here or there for teething I still felt I got enough sleep. I have always been a really heavy sleeper, now I don't think DH will agree because he isn't a good sleeper so some of those bad nights might have worse for him then me.

ladythrice · September 2017

I love that self-care/mom-care is a theme I see. It is entirely too easy to be consumed by the new parenting gig and to let our previous selves fade away.

Also, the impacts of adding a newborn on a partnership cannot be understated. The biggest adjustment for DH and I was definitely distribution of parenting tasks. I jumped head-first into the 'i will take care of everything role' which works fine when the kid is a newborn, you're relatively well rested, and have no other commitments in life at all. As soon as that changes, it becomes more difficult to manage. Thankfully, DH decided (long story) last minute to take 5 weeks of FMLA when I returned to work. It was a complete role reversal and significantly impacted our relationship--since we both got to experience the role of primary caregiver and full time worker. As a result, DH takes unpaid FMLA for all our kids (he surprisingly loved being home and has since said he'd be happy as a SAHM if he didn't enjoy his work so much) and we have an entirely equitable distribution of parenting labor.

kaymaroo · September 2017

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids?
1. On a practical level, it was learning to plan and pack and prepare every single time I left the house with the baby, and coming to the realization that there was going to be no more just quickly running out somewhere (even Target or wherever). I was very go-with-the-flow before having DS and he definitely changed that.
2. On a deeper level, it's the mom guilt. No matter what I do I worry that I'm doing it wrong. DS spends all day playing outside? He must not be getting enough structure and education at home. Spends the whole day reading and doing logic puzzles? I'm stunting his physical growth and sense of freedom. I can't win, I always think I'm somehow screwing him up. And it's about EVERYTHING, from what we have for dinner to which school to enroll him in to navigating hurdles with his blended families.

Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc)
The transition from 0 to 1 was not especially hard for me, aside from the above. I was already settled down and not going out at night much, so I didn't feel like my social life changed a lot. And anything I was worried about while I was pregnant--like giving up my alone time or being able to always put him first--turned out not to be an issue, because once he was born he was my whole world. I didn't mind any of those things after all (well, not usually, at least

)

beach_mama · September 2017

Biggest challenge faced since kids:

Loss of sleep which was also the loss of my sanity. Having dd2 sent me into a whirlwind of exhaustion from being up w a newborn and then again w dd1 who was 2 at the time. That passed relatively quickly in my house. Both girls were sttn by 4 or 5 months and mastered good naps by 6 months (in other words there's hope!). Now it's keeping my patience pants on.

Hardest transition:

Well i only have 2 so going from 1 to 2 kids was the toughest. Again it hinged on sleep for me. I am a bear without at least 7 hours. That's what scares me the most w going from 2 to 3 kids...i keep reminding myself it's only for 6 months. 6 months is short (tho it feels like forever while you are in it).

lindsye · September 2017

Biggest challenge faced since kids:

Like others have said, lack of sleep. When you have one baby, it's bad when they're a newborn, but because you can sleep whenever they do to catch up, it's doable. When you are up all night with a newborn and then have to stay up all day attempting to be patient with/parent toddler(s), it's downright miserable.

My kids (so far) have all been truly terrible sleepers until 15/18 months, at which point they make some sort of turn and are excellent sleepers. My third kid is now 15 months, is getting his molars and his sleep is absolutely atrocious right now. Dealing with this along with first tri exhaustion and unable to take naps bc other kids is taking me back to newborn days and y'all... it a whole other level of tough.

Hardest transition:

Two to three was brutal. Having two kids to deal with/entertain when I felt like a depressed zombie was SO hard. I tried to explain to them why I felt so badly, but you still feel like a terrible parent with no energy and no patience.

ETA: I just reread this and realized how negative it sounds. Sorry, you guys - it definitely reflects my state of mind today, and it was a rough one. As others have pointed out, even with a very difficult initial adjustment period, by around 6 months or so everyone has started to hit their stride, get used to the new normal and it's all ok again. You've all got this.

orangecup · September 2017

You guys are giving me hope that my 1-2 transition won't be so bad.

lesliegolem · September 2017

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids?

At first I'd say the biggest challenge was adjusting to how much time the kids take up. This was a huge shock for my husband who didn't realize how much personal time he'd have to give up. But honestly we are expecting our third I feel like the biggest challenge is money. I had 2 surgeries last year and our medical is ridiculous. Plus I had to buy a new car then my hubby had to replace his car due to an accident. So we had a rough 2015-2016. We're going to make it work and have everything we need for our children but I miss being able to put away for their college monthly or buy them new clothes whenever. Also i have huge problem eating out and thats been an adjustment to cook more often. But once we're through this rough patch I know we'll be back on track. Especially once I'm back to working once the kids are in school.

Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc)

Yes transitioning from 1 to 2 was a definite challenge! My girls are 30 months apart. So when my 2nd was born my first wasn't potty trained and still was a toddler who wanted a lot of my attention. It was rough trying to keep them both happy at the same time. Plus my toddler wanted to go out daily for play dates and outings but all I wanted to do was stay home and nap when the baby napped. Oh and we all got the flu right after i gave birth so it was awful. After 6 months though things just were going smoothly. I realized I could do this. Now I wouldn't have it any other way! They are best friends and we have our daily routine down. Honestly I feel like I could do anything now. My girlfriend is expecting her 2nd and she told me I make it look so easy. Told her yes now but at first holy crap lol I felt way over my head.

beach_mama · September 2017

@lindsye sleep deprivation is no joke so no apology necessary! Entertaining tiny people after being up all night is tough. I never told my ob but i was in a horrible state of mind after i had dd2 and it was bc of sleep. That and hormones. I plan on being more vocal this time around if i have trouble adjusting.

lindsye · September 2017

Oh thank you, @beach_mama! I needed to hear that today. I've felt pretty good about this fourth kid decision even though other people think we're nuts until this week. My 15 month old isn't sleeping, my 3 year old is being a peach and I'm just like... wtf was i thinking?!? Trying to remember back to the certainty I felt when we decided to have this 4th kid but yeah, lack of sleep makes things tough.

nond135 · September 2017

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids? Functioning under sleep deprivation is a huge one as others have mentioned. When pregnant with #1 I would just pass out after work and sleep till morning half the time. When I was pregnant with #2 I was a stay at home mom, and my daughter took a solid 2 hour nap most every afternoon. With #3 however, my oldest no longer naps, which means I no longer nap except on the weekends when my husband is home to watch the kids. I'm much more tired this go around, and I get really cranky when I'm tired unfortunately. I'm hoping once the nausea wears off I'll get back to being a more pleasant, fun mom. :P

Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc) Transitioning from 0 to 1 was hard especially since my oldest was a very miserable baby. Looking back now, I know she had a dairy allergy (we had to take her off it completely at age 3 once we finally figured it out). Going from 1 to 2 though was actually a million times harder for me. My oldest was very attached to me and incredibly jealous. She fortunately never acted out towards the baby but would scream bloody murder anytime I tried to feed her, and just in general became a complete nightmare for a good portion of that first year. Fortunately she leveled out about the time my youngest started crawling and became more of a playmate. Also, my youngest had a million times more feeding issues. Ridiculous feeding issues. I breastfed my oldest for 18 months with relatively little difficulty (though I thought it was very difficult at the time - bleeding, cracked nipples and excruciating letdown pain being among my concerns). Nothing compared to my second though who refused to nurse awake, refused bottles completely, had a tongue/lip tie, a dairy/soy protein issue, reflux, and extreme distractibility. Feeding a baby 100% while asleep for months on end while the oldest child won't stop screaming during these feedings was certainly not something I was prepared for and took a huge physical and emotional toll on our entire family. That being said, they are best friends now, and the feeding issues are a thing of the past. Somehow we decided to do it again. I just know now not to think for a second that I am prepared just cause I've done it twice before. Every baby is different.

lolablue3 · September 2017

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids? Like a lot of others have said, the sleep deprivation was probably the hardest thing I faced. Learning how to function in a zombie state was hard.
Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc) Our transition from 0-1 wasn't as hard as going from 1-2. DD 1 was 19 mos old when DS was born and it was hard entertaining a toddler while caring for a newborn. For some reason going from 2-3 was not as hard, even though DS was 15 mos when DD2 was born. I'm nervous about this next transition though, it's a completely different situation with me working outside of the home now. I know my kids will be good helpers since they are older, but I'm dreading trying to get out of the house in the mornings next fall. My youngest will be almost 5 when the baby comes, so we are really out of practice with having a newborn.

mikkimikey · September 2017

What is the biggest challenge you've faced since having kids? giving each child the attention they each deserve. I know I'm doing fine, and they are really happy, but I sometimes feel like I wish I could have more special moments with each of them (11 and 8).
Have you had a hard time transitioning between kids? (Transition from 0 to 1 kid, 1-2 kids, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, etc) I had less of a hard time with 0 to 1 because I was a single mom in college with immense family support. Going from 1-2 was a bit harder, because even though I still had twice the family support, my attention was still split between my 3 1/2 year old and the new baby. Lucky my 3 1/2 year old was SUPER chill about the whole thing and loved her baby brother, so she made it easy. She would go around telling people "MY baby is so cute. I love MY baby. Mommy, I think MY baby is hungry!!"

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