GTKY – Expectant Moms in “Non-traditional” Relationships

fullofhope25 · August 2017

I wanted to create a space for expectant moms who are experiencing the journey of pregnancy along with the highs and the lows of being in a non-traditional relationship (as typified by cultural norms). For example, those who might not be married at the moment, sexual orientation, etc.

My motivation behind this thread is that I am not currently married to my SO and although we are BEYOND excited about our little bean, my pregnancy was not planned. We planned to have children, but just not at this very moment. Lol. Although a blessing, the pregnancy has put additional pressures on the both of us. For example, I will admit I do feel a bit strange not being married and pregnant. I know there are tons of women who make that choice, and I think that is amazing! I think my slight discomfort comes from the fact that I did not make the choice. It just happened in spite of other plans. I always say, “we make plans and the universe laughs.” Anyways, my SO’s family has already begun to discuss with us the need to get married ASAP **insert eye roll**. I do not want to get married while I am pregnant. I’d rather wait until after the baby is born. That is my personal preference. Yet, his mother is making a case for why we should go to the justice of the peace and get married beforehand.

Wow, I guess that’s my vent right there! Hahahaahaha!

So yea, I just wanted a space for those of us who are not in “traditional” relationships to be able to vent and discuss the pros, the cons, and our experiences being pregnant while being in a non-traditional relationship. I would ask specific questions, but I thought it was best to allow folks to share (or not share) freely as they feel about their experiences.

LiveNLove44 · August 2017

@fullofhope25 I'm sorry you're feeling pressure to make choices that should really be made just between you and your SO. Do you think his family, in particular his mother, is thinking that there are financial benefits to you being married prior to baby being born? I can see my parents and my ILs going that route if DH and I hadn't been married and were expecting. They'd be concerned about the financial impact on us individually, and they'd look for ways for us to save money long term. I don't know what that really looks like for you two, but I hope your SO's family's hearts are all in the right place and they stop pushing too much. It can be really isolating for you and your SO, too, so I hope it's up and onward as you go through pregnancy!

bookworm40 · August 2017

I am a single mom by choice. I have a ton of support from family and friends but I am getting ready for the eye rolls and comments from co workers who like to gossip when I tell everyone I'm pregnant. Right now my two bosses know and they are 100% supportive. Motherhood was always a dream of mine and I wasn't going to let a divorce stop me. Plus I've been dealing with infertility for almost 4 years so I wasn't giving up until it happened. I'm 7 weeks and couldn't be more excited!

maelily15 · August 2017

With my DD, I had not been dating my SO very long (more than 6 months but less than a year) when we found out we were expecting. I had just came off birth control the month prior, so we did not expect it to happen so quickly. We had the discussion about being unmarried parents and decided we didn't want the fact that we were expecting a child together to be the motivation behind getting married. We thought we should want to get married because we couldn't envision life without the other, not out of obligation or feeling pressured into it. We wanted to get to know each other better and see how the struggles of being new parents would affect us as a person and as a couple (believe me- they do affect you hugely). I hadn't even met his family yet when we found out we were going to be parents. Though the question of marriage was brought up by both sides of the family, they respected our choice to remain unmarried. There were multiple factors in staying unmarried- one of them being that a divorce with custody involved costs like 5 times more than without children, and we weren't yet ready to get married. We have a happy ending so far. We had DD in April, he did eventually propose in July and we got married shortly before her 1 year birthday. It's not been easy, going from being in a relationship to being new parents to being married and moving across the country (we moved halfway across the country with the help of his family after the wedding), all within about 2 years. But I think we made the right choice in waiting to get married. Being a parent changes you in ways you can't anticipate. It changes all your relationships and the way you see the world. We didn't want the stress of planning a wedding and having to worry about whether or not we made the right decision to distract from what was really important- our child. Now we're expecting our second child- also an unexpected surprise- and we're doing things the "traditional way". But it doesn't feel any different than before.
Each person's relationship is different. But if you're uncomfortable or just not ready to get married yet, please don't let society or anybody else shame you into it. I was married before I met my now DH, but the marriage didn't last. I had been having doubts before the wedding but I didn't listen to them because of what people would say if I called it off and I didn't want to hurt him. But I ended up hurting him worse in the end because we weren't ready for marriage and ended up divorcing. Ultimately, only you know what's best for you. I wish you the best of luck!

fullofhope25 · August 2017

LiveNLove44 - His family is suggesting marriage ASAP for multiple reasons. Financial reasons have been mentioned as well as names on the birth certificate, etc. I had not even thought about the birth certificate and do not know if I care all that much! At the end of the day, I know their hearts are in the right place and they are offering their opinions based on care, concern, and their own personal experiences and beliefs/values. Not malice. It's just annoying as all hell! Lol. But we will get through it.

bookworm40 - More power to you and eff the haters! But I know that is MUCH easier said than done. People can be so cruel and judgmental. Do what feels best for your soul and your heart. We have your back!

meghanjodino - I completely agree with you and I am happy that you and your DH made decisions that were guided by sound judgment and what was/is best for your family opposed to external pressures.

chasingroygbiv · August 2017

@fullofhope25 With our son we were not married (together 4 1/2 years at that time). We knew we would be someday and our son happened a little sooner than we had planned, but he is one of the best things that ever happened to us and here we are 8 1/2 years later, married, having baby #3. His family was not supportive and was actually very rude to me, guess they didn't understand it took two to tango. To this day they deny ever being anything but welcoming

but oh well. As long as you are happy!

SoraLk · August 2017

@fullofhope25 I am so sorry that his family isnt more understanding. I really do hope that you continue to do things your way - because it really isnt as big of a deal as some people think it is. Wishing you the best!

I am also not married, my fiance proposed to me last year *tw* after our unplanned pregnancy was found to be a loss. *end tw*

We decided for ourselves that if this road was going to be difficult we were going to take every chance we got to try for a little one. I had the wedding date set for May about three months before I found out about this pregnancy. So while I am currently unmarried, I will be married two months after the baby comes.

Since I haven't announced yet, I am preparing myself for the inevitable questions, though.

ishmoney · August 2017

Unmarried here. Had thought marriage and then children would be my path but I got older and knew that if I wanted to bear children, I'd better get crackin. So, children are coming first because there is a clock on that. I can decide later whether to marry this partner or find a partner right for me!

Gingermom15 · August 2017

@fullofhope25 DH and I weren't married when our son was born and we were also pressured to marry. We were constantly asked if/when it would happen. We had decided not to marry during the fresh baby time because we wanted marry for the right reason which, for us, having a baby wasn't the right reason. We married when he was 13 months old and I'm thankful we waited. We made it through an incredibly challenging period and found ourselves 100% certain we were doing the right thing.

maintain your stance and try not to let the comments bug you too much. They may be from a good place, but hey can get under your skin. You know what's right for you.

kalawa · August 2017

Not married here. Me and my SO have two DS's and this will be our 3rd child. We will marry one day. We are committed like a marriage so it really doesn't matter.

soon2bmomofthree3 · August 2017

@fullofhope25 when I was 23 and doing my student teaching I found out I was pregnant with my now 6 year old son. I was living with my boyfriend ((now DH) and we had been dating about 1.5 years. I asked me to marry him when I was pregnant but not because I was pregnant. We had ready been looking at rings before finding out. We waited until my son was 1 to get married. Now 5 years later we have a daughter and another on the way and couldn't be happier. It's hard when people pressure you do to certain things I know, but marriage should be a choice not based on something like having a baby and being forced to. I agree with you and sorry his family isn't so supportive.

pbtoast · August 2017

Not married here, either. We got some pressure when I got pregnant with my son but people have mostly backed off. We have all of the legal stuff in place (wills, trusts, finances, beneficiaries, etc.) without the marriage. It works for us.

calecorvus · August 2017

My spouse is a pre-everything trans woman, and I am fairly gender-ambivalent. Now that we've seen the heartbeat and everything is looking good baby-wise, my wife is planning on making her first appointment to start HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) this week. We are about to be living in the estrogen ocean, haha. So far my mood swings haven't been too bad, so at least this might not be as rocky as we've been preparing for.

Thankfully my dad, who is the parent I'm closest to, is already aware and hasn't had any issues beyond pronoun problems. MIL is trying, which is good. We don't speak to FIL (not that we've heard from him since Wife came out). I haven't had the patience reserves to talk to my mother about it yet. She wouldn't flip, but it'd take a few reiterations of the trans101 talk for her get it and I am too tired for that right now.

deleted22152218 · August 2017

I'm not married. SO and I have been together for five years, so since 2012. He knocked me up on accident in 2014 at the worst possible time. We both had just lost our jobs, our car was broken down, my mom was in the hospital unresponsive. We were (still kinda are) broke. Then that bfp came and we were panicked. I'm only 21 and SO is 24. So we're young. But that bfp was the best thing that ever could have happened to us, we have a beautiful daughter who will be 2 this month. Our relationship really has evolved and flourished. Now we are pregnant with #2 who we planned and tried for. Our relationship works for us. Being young parents works for us. We've talked about marriage or having a small family wedding. We might do it, might not. I'm kind of ready to stop referring to the father of my children as my boyfriend, though. i don't really feel a huge rush to have a wedding or seal the deal in a marriage. I feel that we're both committed and have a healthy relationship.

sarah_haha760 · August 2017

I feel like the odd one out even on this thread. Boyfriend and I had known each other as friends for 3 years and then decided to take it to the next level. Two months in and days after starting birth control, I found out I was pregnant. It's been incredibly stressful and confusing. We both are trying to learn to grow together and at the same time figure out how we will be parents for the remainder of our lives. I'm in my mid twenties while he's in his thirties so it's definitely not impossible. He's over the moon to become a father, since he "was on the cusp of not wanting children" as he so lovingly puts it. While I'm stuck trying to cling on to the identity and confidence I had barely found in myself as an independent woman. I love this little thing growing in my belly already, but to be perfectly honest, I feel like I'll never be myself again.

LiveNLove44 · August 2017

sarah_haha760 said:

I feel like the odd one out even on this thread. Boyfriend and I had known each other as friends for 3 years and then decided to take it to the next level. Two months in and days after starting birth control, I found out I was pregnant. It's been incredibly stressful and confusing. We both are trying to learn to grow together and at the same time figure out how we will be parents for the remainder of our lives. I'm in my mid twenties while he's in his thirties so it's definitely not impossible. He's over the moon to become a father, since he "was on the cusp of not wanting children" as he so lovingly puts it. While I'm stuck trying to cling on to the identity and confidence I had barely found in myself as an independent woman. I love this little thing growing in my belly already, but to be perfectly honest, I feel like I'll never be myself again.

@sarah_haha760 I understand where you're coming from and the uncertainty of pregnancy and becoming a parent can do that to anyone, but I want to assure you, you will be yourself again, and you may even find that you're a better version of yourself. When I had my first, I was overwhelmed by all of the changes that took place during pregnancy, and then again as DH and I transitioned to being parents for the first time, but becoming a mom and watching him be a dad were two of the most fulfilling and identity-reinforcing experiences I've ever had. It isn't all flowers and butterflies, and you don't always feel confident in what you're doing, but you do learn to have a new level of appreciation for yourself, what your body is capable of, and what you are bringing to the world around you. I hope you continue to find truth in some of this along the way! Trust the journey; it'll be SO worth it.

deleted22152218 · August 2017

@sarah_haha760 Everything said above.

When I found out I was pregnant and it was unplanned in 2014, I felt the same way. I totally felt like the odd one out on TB lol. I felt like I was surrounded by all these wise women who were older than I was, who were financially stable, who planned their pregnancies, who were married. As pictures of nurseries and monogrammed onesies were posted I totally felt like an outsider. I was 19, living in a really trashy basement apartment working part time at the local movie theater. And I had been knocked up on accident by my boyfriend. Totally felt like the odd one out. So I get it. But sticking around in TB ended up being really beneficial to me, in that I learned a lot about things I otherwise wouldn't have known. My A15 group is still really active on FB and I'm glad I stuck around, even though I felt like the odd one out.

As as far as never feeling like yourself again, to an extent, Id say that's somewhat true. You do lose a lot from your pre-baby life when you become a mom. It can be almost like a total culture shock for anyone, but even more so if you weren't planning or trying to have a pregnancy. Your whole world changes for sure. And it's totally okay to mourn your old life and old self. But, id say you gain more than you lose. You'll grow into a person you never knew you'd be, and it will be amazing. Your outlook on life will change. You'll want to be your best self, for your baby. And you might even learn to listen to your inner voice and put your mental health on priority when you need to. It's crazy. Becoming a parent is crazy. But I wouldn't trade it for my pre-baby life.

sarah_haha760 · August 2017

I can't tell you how much your words have helped me get to a better place already. It's hard to explain to people around you because everyone assumes you're just supposed to be excited and ready. Which I am absolutely excited and very grateful but just having someone who's been through it reassure me that everything will be okay and I'll be fine even if I'm not the same has completely helped my outlook on everything. Thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart.

deleted22152218 · August 2017

@sarah_haha760 That's what TB is all about! Support from people who have been there. I'm really glad that my internet stranger words of advice were soothing for you! Like I said, it's totally okay to mourn your old self and your old life. And it's okay to panic a little. Or a lot. Pregnancy is HARD and birth is HARD and the newborn phase is HARD and having a baby is HARD and having a toddler is HARD. I haven't been past that phase yet but I'd bet money that the rest of it is gonna be HARD too. Being a mom is really really hard. But for every hard moment, there are like, a million amazing ones to make up for it. You'll do great!! Just take it a day at a time girl. You got this.

ishmoney · August 2017

I thinks this a great thread idea because it offers a space for those with experiences different from "I'm married to my husband of x years..." to share more openly about those relationships and related pregnancy/parenting concerns. Thanks for this @fullofhope25!

vflux33 · August 2017

Yeah, I don't go here, but I've been enjoying lurking this conversation and I think it's great this was brought up. Big believer in not getting pressured into life decisions! I didn't get pressured into marriage but I did get pressured into other decisions that were wrong for me, looking back. So really glad to see you guys doing your own thing.

Staciefacie · August 2017

I was 18 when I got pregnant with my first. I broke up with the "sperm donor" before I knew and got back with an ex. Found out I was pregnant. My first appointment I had a dating ultrasound, turns out I was 19 weeks along. The guy I was with was a prick and I ended up breaking it off with him too. A lot of my friends wrote me off, I stopped going places. I stayed home with my parents and didn't talk to anyone but my SIL. it was very isolating but at the same time I think I found myself and grew up during my pregnancy. I knew what I had to do to give my daughter the best life possible. My daughter was only 8 months old whenever I met my H. It was an instant connection between them and myself.

spiritual-wolf · August 2017

My partner (now ex) and I had been ttc for 2 years. In March I found out I had fertility issues and most likely wasn't even ovulating. We had broken up months earlier because I went through certain lifestyle changes (becoming vegan, being more eco friendly, wanting to live a more minimalistic lifestyle etc) and our parenting styles and lifestle choices began to clash and we knew we could never raise a child together. We still have so much love for each other so we found it hard to stop seeing each other. After what the doctor told me I became careless as I didn't think I could concieve naturally. Start of June I saw my ex and we slept together.. at that point I made the decision it needed to properly end.. i needed to move on and I was ready to find someone more compatible to start a relationship and eventually a family with. After over a month of not seeing my ex after that last encounter, and emotionally trying to move on from him.. I had a suspicion and took a test... it was positive. While I'm over the moon to finally be pregnant, doing this with my ex is extremely hard as we conflict on every single choice (which is why we decided not to have children together and seperated to begin with). I know it's my fault for being careless... I just never thought it would ever happen.. now I'm stressed out and struggling and scared to do this, not only as a first time mum, but also a single mum. I'm so lucky that my ex wants to be apart of this child's life, just sometimes I feel it would be easier if he wasn't involved at all.

jessbruxanovaa · August 2017

Not married either. And I'm on baby #2. My mom is a Jehovah's Witness and is kind of pushy about me getting married but I don't feel like I need to. At least not yet.

GTKY – Expectant Moms in “Non-traditional” Relationships

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