used/ hand me down thoughts? Might be a little ranty...

babymakes9 · July 2017

I see nothing wrong with used/hand me downs. I have 5 kids, they have all had at least 50%of there clothes/ stuff that is not new. However with this pregnancy i am getting the definite impression that people feel i should not get any new things for the baby, or even get to pick out which used things i want. mind you my youngest is 7, and was from a prior relationship, so i have none of my old things, and being a 6th time mom i know what things work for me and my babies and what don't.

I have been told if its a boy DH's best friend will be giving us his sons whole wardrobe, and if its a girl all the clothes will come from dh's sister. I have now been told i don't need a bassinet, and that since i have experience as a parent i won't want as much stuff, and just need three basics. While i appreciate the generosity, i want to shop for the things i want the baby to have with our feeling guilty. If i feel the baby needs a jumper, why are people 2nd guessing me?

Yesterday i went and looked at the stores, as i have been researching co - sleepers ( never used one before, just had the baby sleep in the bed) and when i got home i was basically told i had wasted my time as sil had that covered.

What are your thoughts on this? Am i being unreasonable in wanting to pick and choose what i need for baby?

Ok, this is very ranty... guess i needed to vent a little.

smorzandoj · July 2017

I'm on a similar situation and feel the same way. I've just flat out told people that I am getting what I want this time bc I can. I'm in a different place personally and financially and if I want to get something new I will and if I don't want your used wardrobe or basinet or crib I'm gonna politely decline.

My my sister thinks I should take her old crib which is chewed up from her kids. No thanks. I'll buy my own.

Do what you want. It's your baby and your house andnultimately your choice.

neener*neener* · July 2017

People will have their own opinions. My perspective is of they give you something, use it if you like. If you don't want it, give it back or get rid of it. If you want to buy all new for this baby, do it.

If you are asking others to buy all new, that is a different story.

As a ttm, I am borrowing a lot from friends. I don't want to spend a lot on items that are used such a short time. I also need a lot less this time around.

the_other_mother · July 2017

I'm not sure why you care so much about what other people think you should have. If you are talking about buying your own items, then just buy whatever you want and when someone offers you a replacement for said item, politely decline with an "I have that covered." Are you struggling with being able to tell people no? Maybe DH can help you buy stepping in and backing you up. I'm sure this hits close to home for you personally, but to me this is a non-issue issue. Be grateful that you have so many people in your life that are willing and able to step in and help you out. Not everyone has that.

babymakes9 · July 2017

@neener*neener & @theothermother i haven't asked anyone to buy anything, we have our own $, we have only told close family and best friends so far although i am definitely pregnant looking.

I think I'm just extra sensitive and want feedback before i accidentally overeact when someone is just trying to be nice.

Acreativephipps · July 2017

@mamaof5already is your husband supportive of your decisions or is some of the negative feedback from him as well? I was unsure reading through your post.

From my own experience, I honestly hate conflict so my policy is to usually gracefully accept things and then if I want/like it I use it. If I don't, if it's from family I store it away and conviently forget it and buy whatever I wanted/thought I needed in the first place.

alice0218 · July 2017

I think like others have said, you don't need to feel bad about what you want/prefer to buy or get second hand. It sounds like you are being hard on yourself because you're afraid of hurting other peoples' feelings. It's ok to have an opinion and speak it. If someone offers something and the conversation is such that it's ok to decline it in the moment, it isn't rude or offense to just give a "Thank you, but we're good on that." If someone brings you stuff and you really don't want it, it's ok to pass it off to a charity or store it if you have the space, or ask if they want it back since you already found something else you really like for X purpose.

I think it's totally fair for you to want to do it your way. You have the money you said, so why not get the things you really want? Not to mention, a lot of the things on the market probably have changed in the 7 years since you've had an infant.

I am a FTM and we are not that comfortable in the $ department (we are ok, but I'm trying to buy as little as possible). I will probably take whatever people offer us, if anything, but if I don't like something, I'll return or donate it too. If you aren't gonna use it, it doesn't do you any good to hang onto something and feel bitter about it taking up space.

LadyMillil · July 2017

There's nothing wrong with being particular about what you want and preferring to buy it new. It's fine to politely decline offers of hand-me-downs. That being said, I do think it's worth having a look at what people are offering you because they may have something you want that's in really great shape.

meatballs37 · July 2017

I kinda feel like it's a non-issue as well. People are offering you things, if you don't want them, politely decline and say you already have it.

If I was having my 7th baby and people were offering me stuff either used or new I'd be delighted. I think by the time baby number two, even three arrive people seem less excited than they do with your first. Such is the life of not being a new mom anymore. I'm jealous people are still be generous to you. No one has offered anything to us and we are having twins. Just a different perspective over here.

ETA: although if someone was over insisting I needed something and that I wasted my time. I would be annoyed with that. But I still wouldn't make it into a huge issue. Just tell them you already have whatever item it is that they are trying to give you.

Starynightsky24 · July 2017

I agree that this isn't really an issue, but I would be SO annoyed that someone told me I was "wasting my time" ummm no. I'd say thanks for the offer but I'm making sure it's what I want. After all you're not knew to this, so they shouldn't assume that you don't know what you want.

Also, there's nothing wrong with picking out some special clothing or blankets etc. I was super lucky to have my friend give me all her daughter's clothing for DD. That said, her take home outfit, every professional picture, birthday outfit, holiday clothes, and special event clothes were things I bought. And I was grateful that I could afford nicer things because all her basics were already covered.

clc515 · July 2017

I would also be very annoyed if family was telling me I'd wasted my time on researching/looking for baby gear cuz they're gonna give it to me. It's like, you don't get to tell me what I should/shouldn't get. That being said, it's totally okay to say no. I think it's normal to be sensitive to those comments, but no need to flip out or anything.

Is DH on board on your side to talk with his family/friends who are offering, since that'd help diffuse what looks like the main source of those comments. It's been a while since you've had a newborn so you want to do your own research and all that and choose what's right and comfortable for you and your LO, and that beats other peoples feelings.

And if all else fails, accept graciously and donate what you don't want (I'm a chicken who doesn't like conflict lol), yay tax write off!

mpp06 · July 2017

I would tell them it's my baby and I'll buy what I want. Or just ignore them, it's honestly none of anyone's business. As far as people letting you borrow stuff you don't want, just tell them thanks but you're getting something new for this baby. People butt in way too much! If they care so much about it they can have another baby if their own. I'm normally not such a grouch about this kind of stuff but I could see people being like that with me and it bugs me. Lol! Good luck Mama!

sabriel1 · July 2017

I don't really like conflict and would feel awkward simply saying no to the generosity of others so I get where you are coming from. I would simply say "oh thanks so much but so and so is already giving us that" that way they can't tell you too simply return it to the store

Ashoes123 · July 2017

I'm sorry to say I'd probably be one of those people that annoyed you (without meaning any harm). I'm so mad at myself for buying ANYTHING new with DD1. I'm mad I even registered for things and people went and bought them at full price, once I realized how huge the market for second hand baby stuff is and how you can get everything you could want for at least half off to free. That brand new Disney bouncer I paid an exhorbinant amount for that was just released a month before I bought it? I found it for sale a week later for $50. Top of the line co-sleeper I bought? For sale for used for less than half off and looked brand new. Now I basically tell all new moms where to shop and find used stuff. It never occurred to me that someone would actually want to pay full price for something new (other than a mattress maybe) and it never occurred to me that it might annoy someone to suggest that.

clc515 · July 2017

@Ashoes123 Sooooo where would these awesome places to buy used baby stuff be :-) Anywhere online?

lainikins · July 2017

I understand how persistent family members can be about this. I have a sister who always wants to give me her hand me downs and is insulted if I politely decline. I decline them because she wants me to remember what comes from her and then return them when I am done so she can consign them and get money for them. That is way too much work for me. She called me entitled and told me I had a black heart. You can't please everyone, so you can only do what feels right for you and your family.

Ashoes123 · July 2017

clc515 said:

@Ashoes123 Sooooo where would these awesome places to buy used baby stuff be :-) Anywhere online?

Haha I only know my area but my best luck has been with private local Facebook yard sale groups, not the general Facebook buy/sell section but the ones you have to ask the administrator to be added to. Also any private local "moms" or "parenting" Facebook groups for your town or local area. In my area I also found out about a once a month local consignment event through FB. The moms FB groups are also great for local info on events and advice. Hope they are prevalent everywhere, they've been so helpful for me.

rainafire77 · July 2017

lainikins said:

I understand how persistent family members can be about this. I have a sister who always wants to give me her hand me downs and is insulted if I politely decline. I decline them because she wants me to remember what comes from her and then return them when I am done so she can consign them and get money for them. That is way too much work for me. She called me entitled and told me I had a black heart. You can't please everyone, so you can only do what feels right for you and your family.

Wait a tick....she is demanding you take her hand me downs, keep track of them, presumably not mess them up too badly, and then return them to her so SHE can make money off of them but YOU'RE the entitled black hearted one?

I'd suggest you very sweetly tell her that you thank her for thinking of you but since she wants to sell the stuff she should go ahead and do it now because you'd hate for something of hers to get damaged or misplaced on your watch.

lainikins · July 2017

rainafire77 said:

lainikins said:

I understand how persistent family members can be about this. I have a sister who always wants to give me her hand me downs and is insulted if I politely decline. I decline them because she wants me to remember what comes from her and then return them when I am done so she can consign them and get money for them. That is way too much work for me. She called me entitled and told me I had a black heart. You can't please everyone, so you can only do what feels right for you and your family.

Wait a tick....she is demanding you take her hand me downs, keep track of them, presumably not mess them up too badly, and then return them to her so SHE can make money off of them but YOU'RE the entitled black hearted one?

I'd suggest you very sweetly tell her that you thank her for thinking of you but since she wants to sell the stuff she should go ahead and do it now because you'd hate for something of hers to get damaged or misplaced on your watch.

Haha that is exactly what I did. She still thinks I was being very rude and barely talks to me. This was with my son, we shall see what happens with this pregnancy. Hopefully she just does not offer this time.

mpp06 · August 2017

If you have a Once Upon a Child in your area they typically have a great selection of everything baby. I'm not opposed to second and stuff or buying second hand, but it I want a certain product and want it new then I don't need someone telling me it's taken care of a x is buying or giving it. I just feel like sometimes people sort of take over and it's your baby! It's great how giving people are but sometimes you just want it a certain way.

sabriel1 · August 2017

On that note, I do not plan on saving anything to pass down to anyone after this baby. Any of my friends that are having babies just had them recently so likely won't have another on the way when I am ready to get rid of my stuff. So I am looking forward to just selling my stuff and not saving it for anyone

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