@EmilyLove25 Are you just upset that he tells you he watches the porn or that its so frequent? Yeahhhhhh I understand though. DH is a student so I know he probably wails away daily but I would be upset if he told me about it. On the other hand DH found out I had watched porn (Damn you Hyundai and your synching up!!!!!) I was so embarrassed. He wasnt mad but now he wont let me live it down.
@livingoffpbjs OMG the fact that you just said wails away made me die laughing--thank you! I'm mostly upset that he told me--sure, I could have/would have assumed it since we haven't had sex in QUITE a while, but ignorance WAS bliss. I'm also semi upset because it's apparently so frequent now (he said he did it "like a madman" recently--WTF). I'm not against porn or anything but holy god the particular stuff he likes is absolutely degrading/disgusting.
@EmilyLove25 I feel like a lot of women will say 'what's the big deal all men watch porn' but we have a no porn policy in our house. My H used to watch it but before we got married I told him I am uncomfortable with it and it makes me feel all kinds of ways. I told him his sex life is with me now. I am one of those people who thinks porn is bad for all kinds of reasons. Those are my values. So basically I'm saying I'd take your side in the issue. I don't say anything to my H about his relations with himself eh hmm. I guess it isn't my business but he hopefully isn't drooled over other women's bodies during his private moments. Anyway don't feel pressured to be ok with something just bc 'everyone does it'
@trudytudy OMG thank you for that. It's seriously refreshing. I will say that for me giving birth to my daughter definitely made me look at porn differently... and I do think that when you are married and a parent your habits should change to varying extents... and I think that is part of my issue--I've changed in a lot of ways and, well, he hasn't. Not that I need him to change, but I sort of just expected it... you know, like evolving? (Here I am talking more about going out/drinking so much etc) but also degrading women!
@EmilyLove25 I'm with @trudytudy on this one. My DH and I are super open about it and both feel like it's extremely damaging to marriages/relationships/our society as a whole. I think it's normal for you to feel hurt and degraded. I hope you can have a constructive talk about it and come to some resolution. I'm really sorry that happened to you. My DH was super addicted for several years in our marriage and got really involved in some bad stuff, some illegal (nothing to do with children or minors - just want to make that clear) but it was so hard! Hardest thing I've gone through. We've had counseling and things are so much better now. Anyway, more than you asked for and I know the way we feel about it is super unpopular today.
This porn talk is really interesting (side note, @EmilyLove25 I'm sorry. I'd totally be upset too, that's a low blow ) I've personally never used it, it's not something I've ever wanted to do, but I've also only ever been with one guy (DH) so I'm a little boring lol. I'm also the only one he's been with and he has said he agrees with me about porn so it's never been an issue for us.
I did have a dream recently though that he wasn't happy with pregnant sex with me so he'd sit in bed next to me and watch stuff on his phone. It was super vivid and I got super mad at him in the morning!
Would anyone be interested if I started a "feeding your baby" thread for all things BFing, EPing and FFing? I know as a FTM in my last BMB I had a ton of questions about all that stuff.
@supercoolstephy and @EmilyLove25 I know you both use dopplers. Can you recommend a brand and/or any specifications for the product? Since I am in limbo for my A/S I wanted to give a doppler a try.
@jaclyn0405 I have a Sonoline B fetal doppler and I use aloe vera gel with it because the gel they provide ain't cheap to replace and it's necessary when aloe works perfectly. It can be hard to find and hard to know that you're hearing the right heartbeat so if you don't find it don't get upset or worked up because it isn't easy everytime or the first time. I found this article helpful. https://lovebeingpregnant.blogspot.com/2012/06/how-to-use-fetal-doppler-at-home.html
I could really use some advice! My best friend's bachelorette party is at the end of this month... I will be 21 weeks along. It is a 6 hour drive to Fire Island, NY and for 3 nights. There are no cars are allowed on the Island, they plan on bar hopping all day and night, clubbing, etc. There are 10 girls going and her friends from home are WILD...borderline crazy lol. Now I liked to party but I wouldn't be able to keep up even if I were not pregnant! I'm worried that if I go I'm just going to be exhausted and I know she will worry that I'm not having fun. Plus, it's hard to be the only sober one around 10 wasted people for a whole weekend...I'm kind of torn on what to do - she's already told me whatever I decide is totally fine and to do what's best for me and baby but I feel guilty if I don't! I'm thinking about treating her to a little spa day and dinnner if I don't end up going...
@ambodt22 I wouldn't go. Three days of straight clubbing and drinking sounds AWFUL (on top of the 6 hour drive). I really like your idea regarding the spa day and dinner!
@jaclyn0405 OMG my post could be verbatim @supercoolstephy ! I
use the Sonaline B and aloe vera gel (works the same). I’ve loved mine after
figuring it out etc.
@ambodt22 can you go for one night? If it was truly my "best friend" (as in, "THE one"), I would find a way to make it happen for part of it. I'm going to a horrendous bachelorette in early August and bracing myself for it, but I think attending milestones is important. That said, if she's the truly understanding type, nothing wrong with planning another outing for just you guys.
@EmilyLove25 and everyone else on porn topic. I would feel the exact same way that you expressed and others supported - so much yes! It's totally more that he overshared than anything else, I bet. And I feel lucky with DH in so many ways, but I've felt the larger "why am I evolving and he is just staying the same" plenty of times. I feel like for some people, these changes are gradual, but for others, this evolution only happens when something drastic occurs (if it even happens at all). My DH is kind of like the latter- needs to have an "aha" moment and can't just wade into the next stage. And even more frustrating, it's like his best friend needs to experience something before he "gets it" (whether marriage, TTC, viewpoints on parenting, etc.). I personally have no clue what DH does in that category bc I've been in previous relationships where I knew, the guy told me it was "harmless" (HELLLLOOOOO, why do you get to decide that independently of me?!), and then I became controlling and crabby. I think it CAN be harmless, but that is a mutual decision.
@ambodt22 Yeah, I would definitely not go, that sounds dreadful. Especially since your friend is understanding of your situation. If she was horribly offended that might be different, but if she thinks it's ok to skip, SKIP.
@EmilyLove25, just to add my thoughts to the porn question. I don't think you were at ALL out of line getting upset. I know that pornography is a totally accepted facet of society these days, but that does not change the fact that it is incredibly destructive, for the reasons you mentioned (among others). It erodes trust and feelings of safety in a relationship and makes the degrading and sexualization of women an "okay" thing. These are just a couple of the issues! It can also act like a drug, and people with addictive personalities need more and more to reach that initial "high." Research has been done on the damaging effects of repeated exposure to pornography, and it's actually pretty startling. It literally changes the connections in a person's brain and damages their ability to form relationships. So, with all of that said, our house is a "no porn" house. I've seen the effects it has had on the relationships of two couples VERY close to me, and DH and I (yes, he was totally on board) decided early on that it would not be allowed in our relationship.
@libbberty Thank you! Yes she was my maid of honor and I technically could go for one night but it's a 6 hour drive each way and there are no cars allowed on the island so I would have to take a ferry and then walk to wherever we were staying, etc. so it's not really feasible...If it were 2-3 hour drive or even a short flight and easy access to hospitals etc, it wouldn't even be a question...I just don't know if I am comfortable with this particular situation. I think I am going to see how I feel the week of and make a decision then. I just talked to her...she is very understanding and happy with whatever I decide, thank god!
My supersniffer won't allow me to drink out of any of the cups I own! Glass and plastic cups smell so dirty to me right now, even if I wash and wash it, they smell revolting. I can drink out of paper cups - the kind with the wax - I can smell the wax but I don't find it objectionable. And I'm drinking out of sprite/gatorade/lemonade bottles that are still slightly lemon scented, which hides the plastic smell. Anything else makes me too disgusted for words.
So I wanna weigh in on the porn thing, but with caveat: I don't judge people who don't like it, and it can be a really destructive thing to a relationship. I think any time masturbation and porn replace sex, there's a huge amount of intimacy and trust lost. And if one partner expresses a distaste for it, I think the other ought to take that seriously.
But I do think there's a place for sex-positive and decent porn. Finding porn that ISN'T exploitative is hard, but it is possible; likewise, using it needs to be handled with responsibility. Just like drinking and all that.
So I don't think it's wrong to be upset when your partner is violating your trust and boundaries by talking about their use of it. But I also wanted to dissent from "porn is a marriage ruiner" thing.
@scatteringashes thank you for expressing that! I have been trying to think what to say about the subject but couldn't manage to put anything coherent together. I think it can be so specific to the couple in question, their particular insecurities, their weaknesses, and their beliefs, that there's no way to say "porn is damaging for everyone" or "porn is healthy for everyone."
Hubby and I use it occasionally... mostly me. We have very different sex drives (mine is higher than his). I find it a lot less satisfying than actual sex, but fine for blowing off steam now and then when he's sick or away or not in the mood. I literally cannot imagine a situation where I would prefer porn to the real thing, nor can I imagine finding it compelling enough to be addictive. We are not a very jealous couple, we're open about it, neither of us is threatened by the other's occasional use, and we don't personally believe that fantasies/looking count as cheating - only actions. Porn is fine FOR US.
That doesn't mean it's fine in other relationships.
@ambodt22 I had to spent a night (6 hours) with my DH and cousins while they were all drinking. The first few hours were fine but then I was super over it. It sucks to sit and watch. I wouldn't go if I were in your shoes. I think your idea of treating her a different day is a good compromise.
I'm having a serious pregnant moment. DH is at the gym and I placed an order at a local restaurant for pickup... buffalo wings and shrimp and grits. Serious fat girl moment! I need grits!!!!!!
@ambodt22 I'm in a similar situation with a close friend. I'm not going to her bachlorette weekend because they are doing white water rafting, sauna, hot tub, and drinking. It sounds like fun but every activity is something I just can't do. I'd also have to travel to Norway so no way I could join for part of it. I think if you do something special just the two of it will be very memorable. I had a close friend who couldn't make my bachelorette so we did something just the two of us before the wedding and it's one of my favorite memories.
On the topic of porn, I agree that it depends on the couple and frequency of use. I have two friends whose husbands can't have sex with them unless he's watching porn, so I've always been happy that DH isn't an addict. DH and I have talked about it and I know he has a porn DVD and watched it occasionally when single. He told me that since we've been together he hasn't watched it but if he watched it while I'm pregnant, I wouldn't want him to tell me about it and I would be upset as well if it was high frequency.
@ambodt22 I was invited to a bachelorette party in October for one of my closest friends from high school, in New Orleans. As much as I want to go, I asked her if it would be okay if I missed. I likely won't be able to make her wedding either as it is MLK weekend in February.
Tooooootally off topic but my bestie just gave birth to her little boy this morning and I have to drag my butt to work instead of stopping by to say hi and meet the little dude. We both got really excited to know I've got a boy on the way, we've (along with her twin) been best friends since they were born a month after me (our parents were friends before we came along) grew up at the same baby sitters, all the same schools and even worked as dog groomers at Petsmart together until her twin moved to TX. So us having boys within a few months of each other is really exciting.
I've been away for a bit and I'm just now catching up on stuff. The smoking posts reminded me of a story my mom has shared with me about when she was pregnant with my brother and just how much times have changed. This was in 1972 and my mom was a smoker when she found out she was pregnant. She knew that smoking wasn't good for the baby, so she tried to quit. To replace her cigarette cravings, she started eating Snickers bars. Well, she started to gain too much weight and her OB got concerned. He told her, "You know, I'd rather see you go back to smoking than gain all this weight." So she did! My brother turned out fine, luckily, but it shocked me that her doctor would recommend that! Amazing how much has changed over the years....
Thank you everyone for your feedback and support on the topic of the bachelorette party! I saw her this weekend, we talked about it and decided that we should just do a girls day the two of us - we are both really excited about it! I hope you all had a great weekend!!
Re: Randoms Week of 7/24
On the other hand DH found out I had watched porn (Damn you Hyundai and your synching up!!!!!) I was so embarrassed. He wasnt mad but now he wont let me live it down.
DD1 EDD 9/29/2015, Born 9/24/2015
DS1 EDD 1/3/2018, Born 12/26/2017
BFP #3 3/21/2019, EDD 11/29/2019, MMC/D&C 5/7/2019
BFP #4 6/28/2019, EDD 3/12/2020
DD1 EDD 9/29/2015, Born 9/24/2015
DS1 EDD 1/3/2018, Born 12/26/2017
BFP #3 3/21/2019, EDD 11/29/2019, MMC/D&C 5/7/2019
BFP #4 6/28/2019, EDD 3/12/2020
My DH was super addicted for several years in our marriage and got really involved in some bad stuff, some illegal (nothing to do with children or minors - just want to make that clear) but it was so hard! Hardest thing I've gone through. We've had counseling and things are so much better now.
Anyway, more than you asked for and I know the way we feel about it is super unpopular today.
I did have a dream recently though that he wasn't happy with pregnant sex with me so he'd sit in bed next to me and watch stuff on his phone. It was super vivid and I got super mad at him in the morning!
DD1 EDD 9/29/2015, Born 9/24/2015
DS1 EDD 1/3/2018, Born 12/26/2017
BFP #3 3/21/2019, EDD 11/29/2019, MMC/D&C 5/7/2019
BFP #4 6/28/2019, EDD 3/12/2020
J18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies
Oh Real Answers....always amusing.
I use Hypnobabies! http://www.hypnobabies-store.com/link.cgi?affiliateID=472
J18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies!
EDD: 1/6/2018
Eva Jane: 7/23/2014
What do you guys think?
I use Hypnobabies! http://www.hypnobabies-store.com/link.cgi?affiliateID=472
J18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies!
EDD: 1/6/2018
Eva Jane: 7/23/2014
@jaclyn0405 OMG my post could be verbatim @supercoolstephy ! I use the Sonaline B and aloe vera gel (works the same). I’ve loved mine after figuring it out etc.
DD1 EDD 9/29/2015, Born 9/24/2015
DS1 EDD 1/3/2018, Born 12/26/2017
BFP #3 3/21/2019, EDD 11/29/2019, MMC/D&C 5/7/2019
BFP #4 6/28/2019, EDD 3/12/2020
@EmilyLove25 and everyone else on porn topic. I would feel the exact same way that you expressed and others supported - so much yes! It's totally more that he overshared than anything else, I bet. And I feel lucky with DH in so many ways, but I've felt the larger "why am I evolving and he is just staying the same" plenty of times. I feel like for some people, these changes are gradual, but for others, this evolution only happens when something drastic occurs (if it even happens at all). My DH is kind of like the latter- needs to have an "aha" moment and can't just wade into the next stage. And even more frustrating, it's like his best friend needs to experience something before he "gets it" (whether marriage, TTC, viewpoints on parenting, etc.). I personally have no clue what DH does in that category bc I've been in previous relationships where I knew, the guy told me it was "harmless" (HELLLLOOOOO, why do you get to decide that independently of me?!), and then I became controlling and crabby. I think it CAN be harmless, but that is a mutual decision.
So, with all of that said, our house is a "no porn" house. I've seen the effects it has had on the relationships of two couples VERY close to me, and DH and I (yes, he was totally on board) decided early on that it would not be allowed in our relationship.
My supersniffer won't allow me to drink out of any of the cups I own! Glass and plastic cups smell so dirty to me right now, even if I wash and wash it, they smell revolting. I can drink out of paper cups - the kind with the wax - I can smell the wax but I don't find it objectionable. And I'm drinking out of sprite/gatorade/lemonade bottles that are still slightly lemon scented, which hides the plastic smell. Anything else makes me too disgusted for words.
WEIRD.
But I do think there's a place for sex-positive and decent porn. Finding porn that ISN'T exploitative is hard, but it is possible; likewise, using it needs to be handled with responsibility. Just like drinking and all that.
So I don't think it's wrong to be upset when your partner is violating your trust and boundaries by talking about their use of it. But I also wanted to dissent from "porn is a marriage ruiner" thing.
Hubby and I use it occasionally... mostly me. We have very different sex drives (mine is higher than his). I find it a lot less satisfying than actual sex, but fine for blowing off steam now and then when he's sick or away or not in the mood. I literally cannot imagine a situation where I would prefer porn to the real thing, nor can I imagine finding it compelling enough to be addictive. We are not a very jealous couple, we're open about it, neither of us is threatened by the other's occasional use, and we don't personally believe that fantasies/looking count as cheating - only actions. Porn is fine FOR US.
That doesn't mean it's fine in other relationships.
I think your idea of treating her a different day is a good compromise.
On the topic of porn, I agree that it depends on the couple and frequency of use. I have two friends whose husbands can't have sex with them unless he's watching porn, so I've always been happy that DH isn't an addict. DH and I have talked about it and I know he has a porn DVD and watched it occasionally when single. He told me that since we've been together he hasn't watched it but if he watched it while I'm pregnant, I wouldn't want him to tell me about it and I would be upset as well if it was high frequency.
I was invited to a bachelorette party in October for one of my closest friends from high school, in New Orleans. As much as I want to go, I asked her if it would be okay if I missed. I likely won't be able to make her wedding either as it is MLK weekend in February.