Gender/Sex Disappointment

failuretofly · July 2017

This is a *SAFE* space for us to discuss feelings some may have about the disappointment they may have felt or feel about the gender/sex of their baby.

Please refrain from judging or making hurtful comments in regards to others feelings.

If you were shocked/saddened/upset about finding out the sex of your december baby(ies), please feel free to share here. or if you are a STM+ mom who had these feelings with previous babies, share those stories too!

failuretofly · July 2017

So I started this thread because I saw a very interesting, respectful, supportive discussion on the Nov board on this topic... now I see the sex reveal thread already had a thorough, similar discussion! whoops. Feel free to let this one die!

NME44 · July 2017

I will say, I have both a boy and a girl. originally I thought it would be best if we had another boy, mainly Bc I thought my daughter might adjust better to a baby boy than a baby girl. But the further I get into this pregnancy, the more I feel it is a girl. Because of this strong feeling, I worry that I may be disappointed to have a boy, not because it matters but because I have this idea built up in my head. So we will be moving from team green to team finding out Bc I would rather have the time to adjust to the idea before the baby is actually here.

As always, healthy baby is all I'm hoping for, but I do understand the "gender/sex expectations" this time.

mdcd44127 · July 2017

All my life I pictured myself having a baby girl, buying matching dresses and sparkly shoes and hair ribbons, and doing all the cutesy Mommy-and-Me stuff like I did with my mom (I'm her only child). DH and I are only planning on having one child, and I was worried once we finally got our BFP that I'd be upset if I found out the baby was a boy. But as I progressed through the first half of my pregnancy I got the distinct feeling that I was having a baby boy, and I started adjusting to it.

When the US tech confirmed we're having a little boy, I was instantly calm and at peace and totally in love with the idea of a son. Honestly at this point, my only disappointment is that I was IN LOVE with the girl name we had picked out and now we'll probably never get to use it. All this to say, I totally understand the time it takes to cope with the adjustment to your "plan", but I hadn't imagined just seeing my baby boy up on the big screen would instantly cure me of any of the sadness I had feared.

NME44 · July 2017

@djd0404, I feel the same way about names. I obsessed for weeks over a girl name and now that I've finally chosen one, I think I'll be sad if I don't get to use it. But again, that will be temporary.

failuretofly · July 2017

We found out yesterday we are team pink. I didn't think I cared, until the tech told us then all of these emotions came boiling up. I think it has a lot to do with the rocky relationship i have with my own mom and fears my relationship with this girl will be the same.

I also just always pictured myself as a boy mom, and I really look up to my MIL and she only has boys, plus a lot of my other female mentors are 'boy moms'.

Logically, I know all of these fears are irrational, but they just kind of hit me like a tonne of bricks out of the blue last night. I'm feeling so guilty because I want this baby so much!

I was SO convinced it was going to be a boy, I had so many boy names picked and I started going through DS's clothes, but I guess I have some shopping to do!

ameliabedelia-2 · July 2017

I have mixed emotions about having a boy. I have a girl, which is what I always wanted. And when they told me this was a boy, I cried because I was so happy for my husband. But as the weeks pass, and I have spent time going through my daughters old baby stuff and looking for nursery decor, I find myself wondering if I wanted a girl. Something inside feels sort of...off. And I don't know if it's because I am comfortable with a girl and this is totally new and and unknown or what. I am sure I will come around and feel more "at peace" once the shock wears off:)

flowerpower5838 · July 2017

djd0404 can TOTALLY relate to the name thing! We had DS' name picked out for ages before he was even conceived so we never had to even agree on a girl's name once we knew he was a boy. Hell, we even had a name for boy number 2 before number 1 was born lol. Almost halfway finished and still no definitive girl name. Le sigh.

abcola · July 2017

Most of my closest friends have all had girls so I think I was hoping I'd have a girl as well. Before we found out I kept trying to stay as neutral in my thoughts so that I wouldn't get disappointed. I'm so glad that we found out (its a boy btw) in private and kept it a secret from everyone for a while. I needed some time to process that we'd be having a boy. It changed my thinking knowing definitively instead of trying to think about both girl and boy and having to put all the 'girl stuff' in my mind aside just took a little time. I only have a sister, so we dont have any 'boys' in the family so it will be an adjustment for my parents. The thing that gets me excited is that A. I think my husband is pretty great, so if he turns out like him we'll be in good shape and B. DH's best guy friends are also amazing, so I just think about this LO being like or friends with any of these guys would be such a gift.

eazybreezy225 · July 2017

I always imagined myself with at least one boy. I'm happy to finally get my boy this time, as it's our 4th and last.
However I felt huge disappointment with DD3 when they confirmed she was a girl. My pregnancy with her was so different. I had a "gut" feeling she was a boy. It was a huge shock for me. I remember crying silently to myself after the ultrasound.
Of course I felt ashamed and embarrassed by my reaction. I was pregnant with a healthy baby girl, I had no reason to be upset... but my emotions took over for a brief moment.
I didn't feel disappointed for long. I soon got excited and happy. She was born the day before DHs birthday on 4-14-14. I can't imagine my life without her.

splsmama2016 · July 2017

When we found out with DD that she was a girl, I was a little saddened because I had this vision of DH holding his newborn son and just, it made my heart melt. But once we picked her name, that sadness went away, was replaced with guilt for being sad, then replaced with such happiness that I was getting my girl that I get to teach to ice skate and sew, and take her to ballet, and teach her to throw the perfect fast pitch for softball.

For this one, I haven't had the time to really think about the sex. If it's a girl, cool. I'll have everything already. If it's a boy, I get a little anxious because I hear horror stories of boys leaking their diapers if you don't have their penis pointing down, and the stories of a circumcision gone wrong, etc. But a little boy would totally complete this family.

lestex · July 2017

We were team green for this pregnancy and today at my anatomy scan, the ultrasound tech said she would turn the screen around so we couldn't see the genitals. We requested a picture for the baby book but made it clear we didn't want to know baby's sex. Well, she typed, "it's a boy!" And DH and I were able to see it on the screen when she turned it back around. Soooo now we're team blue, for the 3rd time. Obviously, getting pregnant this time around, I was prepared for another boy and am actually pretty excited about another little dude, BUT I HATE that people keep saying, "well! You'll just have to have another and try for that girl!" It irritates me that someone feels they can comment on what "perfection" for our family is. Perfection might just be me with my gaggle of handsome boys! I think I feel disappointment because I think everyone else will feel that way when we announce that it's another boy.

atack · July 2017

@lestex my concern when we went for our scan. DH keeps messing with me and telling me he knows- I don't believe him, he's totally being annoying! But I was worried about this when I went in and told them I was team green!

ridedatide · July 2017

Everyone at my SO's work was asking him how my belly is shaped. When he said what he thought it looked like they all said she's having a girl. He said in that moment he became really depressed. It's our first so he was always saying it doesn't matter he just want it to be healthy. I guess deep down he wants a boy. Someone to pass his name down to. We are team green but I told him I've felt that it's a boy all along. Even though to me I would be happy with either I just want a healthy baby. AS is on 25th so hopefully we find out all is well.

beaandthebabes · July 2017

I was really really sure that lo was a baby girl. I had my heart set on a name (I think part of my wishfulness was based on how badly I wanted to use my late mother's name for her middle name) and all of the cute little outfits and mummy and me things. We found out that babes was a boy at a follow up appointment after I had experienced another bleeding incident, it was not supposed to be part of the appointment and it was way earlier than I would have thought possible but he was in a showing off mood I guess. I was in a really emotional place because I had such a scare and I wasn't prepared to have that moment that day at all. I was hit with such a lot of emotions at once I didn't know how to feel. I just cried out of pure surprise and confusion.
The minute we left the office and got into the car DH and I could be alone and breath and I was suddenly so happy again. We pretty much named him in that car ride. It was the first time we brought up the name Victor. I went right into boy mummy bliss.
I think getting a little upset or emotional about something that is one of the first clues to who this little person growing inside of you is going to be is perfectly understandable, especially in our highly hormonal and sleep deprived and emotional state.
I will admit that a friend of mine is also expecting and due a week before me. She didn't get to find out until this week and some little part of me was feeling super jealous of the idea that she might be having a girl and then was sooooo pleased and relieved when she was team blue too. Super childish, I know. I'm not always proud of my pregnancy brain. She is thrilled to bits and wanted a boy from the start and we are already planning play dates. We are even set to deliver at the same hospital. No more green eyed monster me.

cait5413 · July 2017

@ridedatide my DH also wants a boy. He loves our daughter, but he was disappointed at first. He's an only child and really wants to pass on the name

whiska · July 2017

@lestex I'm sorry the delivery surprise was ruined for you - what a thoughtless tech! Also sorry that people can be so oblivious to imply that expecting a beautiful, healthy, much wanted baby who happens to be a boy is anything short of fucking amazing. FWIW my dad was the youngest of three brothers and he loved and looked up to his two older brothers so so much. He was especially close with the oldest. And my grandma just loved her boys, of course.

lestex · July 2017

@atack- we were team green with our first child and never worried about the surprise being ruined. I think our mistake was in asking for a picture for the baby book. With our first, we don't have a picture saying "it's a boy" but we also didn't have the tech type anything/print anything. I'm surprised though that it didn't occur to this tech that the "it's a boy" pic was going to be saved to the bottom of the screen where we could see it. Did she think I wasn't going to look at every picture on the screen??? Anyway, now the naming battle begins. I was chill before we knew but it's war, now.

lestex · July 2017

@whiska- thank you so much for your sweet words! I'm so happy to be expecting another boy and while it irritates me that I let what others' less than ecstatic reactions would be to the news taint my excitement, I'm happy with the outcome. When we have this baby, our oldest will have just turned three and we'll have a 1.5 year old- so to not only have kids close in age but ALSO have a gang of brothers puts a huge smile on my face.

failuretofly · July 2017

@lestex I have the same feelings about the fact that we will now have a boy and a girl. Everyone says "oh the perfect family" or "now you're done!" It's so annoying because I never once thought I'd be done after 2!

TigerCakes · July 2017

@kvacmak I've already heard that a bunch of times. In fact even my DH has said it! I always wanted 3 kids though regardless if they were boys or girls.

lestex · July 2017

@ridedatide- I will say, I think it's bs when people use old wives tales to guess sex for someone. I got a ton of questions asking what my symptoms were since we were team green. All 3 of my pregnancies began differently and guess what? I'll have 3 boys! I know a girl right now (irritates the crap out of me) who is expecting her second and she'll tell anyone that'll listen that she's hoping for a boy so that she has one of each. She actively posts on Facebook about her symptoms and differences in pregnancy and how all signs are pointing to a boy. She finds out in a few weeks... She's an idiot. Hoping all is well with your baby at your AS! Hopefully your hubby won't let his coworkers' comments affect his feelings for the remainder of your pregnancy. Obviously he'll/you'll love baby no matter what.

kaylawing · July 2017

Thank you for this thread. We still don't know if baby is a boy or a girl (August 3rd needs to get here, fast!) but I'm really hoping for a girl and I felt so guilty for that. I really want healthy baby of course, but I've pretty much convinced myself that baby is a girl and I know I will have a moment (or two) of disappointment if I find out it's a boy. We already have one girl and I've already gotten several comments from people assuming I want a boy or that if this one is a boy we will be done having children. Ugh.

ngarciabyu · July 2017

I don't get why people automatically assume everyone wants two children; a boy and a girl. After DS1 I really wanted another boy. I was in love with being a boy mom and they were so close in age I wanted brothers! And Baby 2 was a boy and I was thrilled. But it hit me a while later that maybe I would never have daughter and that made me sad for a minute. I think you always love what you get, but it's so easy to paint these ideals and images in your head and then processing a different outcome you had no control over can be tricky.

failuretofly · July 2017

ngarciabyu said:

I don't get why people automatically assume everyone wants two children; a boy and a girl. After DS1 I really wanted another boy. I was in love with being a boy mom and they were so close in age I wanted brothers! And Baby 2 was a boy and I was thrilled. But it hit me a while later that maybe I would never have daughter and that made me sad for a minute. I think you always love what you get, but it's so easy to paint these ideals and images in your head and then processing a different outcome you had no control over can be tricky.

Yes! This is exactly it! Not that I won't love this girl, but I just had imagined this whole lifetime with a bunch of boys, and only boys, so it's been an adjustment trying to fit a girl into the picture.

jamiekay123 · July 2017

My husband has only ever wanted girls and over the years he's got it in my head that that's what we're having! Since finding out I was pregnant I've been trying to put it out of my mind and we've even been team green (so far). My US is this Friday where we could find out and my husband thinks maybe finding out now would prepare him if it's a boy. I think he's worried he'll be disappointed and wants time to prepare. I keep thinking if we wait until delivery we'll both be so ecstatic to meet the baby we will be thrilled either way! Any advice?

cait5413 · July 2017

jamiekay123 said:

My husband has only ever wanted girls and over the years he's got it in my head that that's what we're having! Since finding out I was pregnant I've been trying to put it out of my mind and we've even been team green (so far). My US is this Friday where we could find out and my husband thinks maybe finding out now would prepare him if it's a boy. I think he's worried he'll be disappointed and wants time to prepare. I keep thinking if we wait until delivery we'll both be so ecstatic to meet the baby we will be thrilled either way! Any advice?

This is why we found out with DD. I knew DH would have some disappointment if it wasn't a boy, and I wanted him to get over it before she arrived. He was a little sad after our A/S and again just a few weeks before she arrived. He was thrilled when she got here, of course, and even more lately because she is starting to be more excited to see him/wanting him to pick her up and hug him (not just me) and saying "hi, dada." But I don't know what would have happened if we had waited. I think he still would have felt the disappointment, would have tried to cover it up, I would have figured it out, and we probably would have had a fight! But that's just my DH--he's very emotional and has anxiety issues, so I wanted him to have time to work through it before she got here. We didn't tell anyone else the sex until she arrived, though. We will probably do the same this time.

ridedatide · July 2017

@lestex thanks. It's does not really irritate me but I know it's getting to him. I know that when we find out, when we deliver, no matter what it is we will both be happy. I'm sure the comments will calm down eventually. He's a nurse so he is in a female dominated workplace which does not help. I'm sure when I go back to work in a few weeks the comments will start on my end, I'm a teacher. First I think it to early to tell and secondly I have to laugh at people who judge based on the shape of your belly or how a person carries. I have a very short torso especially for being 5'10 I'm all legs. So I'm sure that is part of the reason for my shape. Thanks for the well wishes for tomorrow's AS. Good luck with your future appts and to you and your 3 boys.

tmk0325 · July 2017

Its completely natural to have some gender disappointment. We aren't finding out with this baby and we didn't find out with the twins (we knew they were identical though), and part of me wants to find out this time, so that if we have another boy I am prepared. I will be happy with another boy, because the 3 of them would be super close, but I think a girl would round out our family. Between my brother and I we have 4 boys under the age of two so everyone seems to be pulling for a girl this time, except my SO. He said its going to be a boy. I guess we'll find out in December or on Friday if we get a slip up from the tech at the scan!

Everyone that finds out if I'm pregnant asks if we will try for another if this one is a boy. I'm always like, I don't think so I can't afford 4 in daycare! It's quite annoying!

peachy13 · July 2017

I am by no means disappointed that I'm having a girl, DH and I are so excited and ready for her. But, we've also talked about only having 2 kids (mayyybe 3), and both of us do want a boy at some point. While again, I repeat I'm definitely not disappointed in having a girl first, I have to admit I already feel a little stressed when it comes to baby #2, like I know both of us will be really rooting for a boy the next time, should we be fortunate enough to get pregnant again. I hate feeling this way and cannot shake the pressure that only I have put on myself, which is so unnecessary because baby #1 isn't even born yet, and here I am worrying about the sex of baby #2.

jamiekay123 · July 2017

Thanks, it sounds similar to my husband so maybe finding out now would be better for him. I've offered to do whatever he wants to, so we'll see what he decides by Friday!

mrsorigami · July 2017

I have this feeling that this next one is a girl-we have a 4 yo girl now. I have felt that this next baby is a girl since I got pregnant. I don't have a preference either way. DH has always said he would probably only ever have daughters, so maybe that is why part of me feels this one is also a girl. I am not sure.

Our daughter is the oldest grandchild on his side of the family. And DH would be the one on his side of the family to "carry on the name." FIL made that clear recently.. like DD couldn't keep our last name if she decided to. *eye roll*

We have heard from both MIL and FIL that they really hope this one is a boy. For some reason it has really hurt my feelings. Maybe because I already feel deep down that this one is a girl, and I am worried I will have some sort of resentment for them saying that-or I will always remember they really wanted a boy. I feel silly/stupid about the whole thing.

We would be so happy with another girl-our DD has also been saying this is her baby sister. I have been talking with her about the baby and explaining that a sister or a brother is a good thing, that either one will be awesome and fun, etc. She understands. But then MIL had to go and tell her some nonsense about how awful sisters are and now DD is saying she hopes it will be a boy.

All I really want is a healthy baby. As sick as I have been this pregnancy I just want to know everything is okay. I have an appointment today and another one next week (the a/s was supposed to be today but was moved to next week). I am a nervous wreck. We will probably have them write down the sex for us in an envelope and the two of us find out privately together. We have also been getting pressure about that-why everyone needs to know the sex of the baby or the name is so annoying..!

Sorry for the long post! But thank you for reading.

anewadventure · July 2017

@mrsorigami your ILs are being absurd but your MIL telling your DD that sisters are terrible is just, i have no words. that is so far across the line of what is appropriate. wtaf is wrong with some people?

cait5413 · July 2017

kaylawing · July 2017

@mrsorigami that's terrible of your MIL to say that to your daughter. I'm sure she will be THRILLED with a brother OR a sister when she meets the baby. I'm sorry your in laws are being this way.

MJDsquared · July 2017

@mrsorigami Was just going to comment the exact same thing everyone else has said. Your ILs voicing their preference is uncalled for in itself, but saying that to your daughter SO crosses a line. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that!

Tennis11785 · July 2017

I know I've already stated how I feel about gender disappointment, so I doubt that anyone is surprised that the idea of GRANDPARENT gender disappointment makes me ragey. @mrsorigami - I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Family pressures are annoying and family pressures on something you have no control over are just ridiculous.

mrsorigami · July 2017

Thank you everyone! I have been very open with DD about the baby this whole time, we talk about plans and things we will do together, how she can help, etc. She is going to be an awesome older sister, and she knows that a boy OR a girl will be a great thing. It is just so frustrating that we can talk to/teach our kids about things and some other person or relative can come along and say the completely wrong thing. It is a good example for me to remember this as she gets older, I know there will be a lot of things she will be told that may be wrong..I just have to trust myself to raise her to understand that. hah!

pupluv0410 · July 2017

I have a DS. He is 4yo and I wanted another boy. We are having a girl and I want to be excited about it but it just seems like I can't. I know I should feel happy about it and about our healthy baby. I really do hope this feeling goes away because I do love her and I don't want to feel this way.

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