Mental health check-in

wannabeamongoose · July 2017

I haven't seen a mental health thread in ages so I thought I'd check in on you ladies. How are you doing right now? Any concerns? What is going well? Let's share.

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margareth-2 · July 2017

FTM. I'm a little apprehensive about seeing/living in my body right after pregnancy. I know part of me is going to be disappointed bc it won't be what it was pre-pregnancy. I've gained over 30 lbs already so I'm pretty sure I'll have a fair amount of extra weight. It's not that my stomach was ever *super* flat, but it's probably going to be super flabby for a while, which won't make me feel great. :-/

don't get me wrong -- it's kind of a superficial thought considering the baby will be here, which is wonderful and much much more important! But it's still a bummer of a reality, especially during a vulnerable time, and the first time going through it.

tfrangul · July 2017

@margareth omg don't stress about 30 lbs. I could only dream of gaining that little while pregnant. My hormones go crazy and I just gain a ton of weight. With my first it was just over 40 and that was with working in a factory on my feet doing 10-12 hrs a day 6 days a week and working out 5 days a week. Oh and I threw up everything all the time. With my son and this one my life is a lot different but I gained 70 with my son and am probably going to be on track for that again. My doctor is never concerned and I have given up caring. Somehow I managed to lose 50 of that 70 in 6 weeks! And I was because to my size 3/5 in no time. Just breath. Your growing a human.

Rhubarb7216 · July 2017

My emotions are constantly switching back and forth between excitement about the baby coming, anxiety about my high risk conditions making the baby come too soon, and frustration about my restrictions (due to multiple high risk conditions) and need to be induced at 37 weeks (due to suspected to placental abruption). I will hit 34 weeks on Friday and my OB said that while it's preferred to make it to 36 weeks, babies born at 34 weeks usually do really well, so I think hitting that milestone will reduce my anxiety a little bit. I also know that being annoyed about the induction is silly when the most important thing is keeping baby and me safe, but I'm still having issues dealing with it.

margareth-2 · July 2017

Thanks @tfrangul to be fair it's probably close to 40 by now and who knows what it'll be in a few weeks but thanks for your reassurance... i just feel so heavy! But yes, we're all growing humans, touché. ;-)

margareth-2 · July 2017

@Rhubarb7216 that's a lot to deal with emotionally and physically, but it sounds like your dr is proceeding with caution. A friend of a friend just had her baby at 34 weeks and he is healthy and looks so cute! A healthy balance of Mother Nature and smart but cautious intervention seems wise to me. Good thoughts and FX for you!

wannabeamongoose · July 2017

@margareth Pregnancy makes a lot of women super sensitive about their physique and you're right that it can take a while to start feeling comfortable again. I will say that, personally, I was so busy those first several weeks after the birth of my first that I didn't have a moment to think about my belly. And by the time I did, I realized that I had this sudden new perspective on my body. Like, your body is this amazing gift that helped you bring an even more amazing gift into this world. I also found that my body bounced back more quickly than I expected. I don't look the same as I did before, but somehow I don't care as much. So here's hoping you have a similar experience.

@rhubarb You have a lot going on and any one of those things alone would cause anxiety. I hope that Friday will bring a sense of relief. Stay strong momma. You've gotten baby this far!

tfrangul · July 2017

@margareth I totally feel you on the just feeling heavy part. I've said that a lot lately. I think the heat adds to it. I have been super emotional the last couple of days and basically crying to my husband that I don't know how much longer I can handle this! One thing I love doing and for some reason I don't have a care in the world is just going to the pool! I went and bought a cheap tankini and shorts. The water helps relieve all the pressure and it's just glorious. Lol

tfrangul · July 2017

@Rhubarb7216 I'm sorry about your anxiety about the baby. I can't remember all your high risk issues and I apologise but my daughter came all in her own at 37 weeks and she was perfect! My son came at 38 weeks. I am honestly ok with this one coming at 37 weeks. I will keep you in my thoughts that you make it just fine too your milestone!

cchenal07 · July 2017

My 38 weeks is my yr anniversary at my job and it is stressing me out. I have to make it at least until then to get my full maternity leave. It is a 6 week difference with full pay instead of 60%. I know I have no control over it but I am starting to dream about it. Not to mention I am an emotional mess and cry at anything lately. Even commercials get me. I start non stress tests next week and I fear them now.

margareth-2 · July 2017

Great perspectives -- thanks, all, and I need to get myself into a pool this week!

jenn622-2 · July 2017

Thank you @wannabeamongoose for starting this thread! I sympathize with everyone on the body issues. I have gained a healthy amount of weight but it's still a little hard to put on clothes every day and watch them get tighter and tighter!

I have no idea what to expect post partum... I have struggled with depression on and off my whole life so I'm trying to prepare myself for what I may experience after baby. I had a hard time mentally early in my pregnancy.... I really struggled with if having a baby was the right choice. I'm 35 and the pregnancy was planned so I have no valid reason to feel this way but I still had so many doubts regarding all the life changes and sacrifices I was going to have to make. I know I'm lucky to have a healthy pregnancy but I couldn't help feeling like I had made a terrible mistake and then I feel guilty for having those feelings and not being more grateful! As the baby became more "real" and I could feel him move I started to accept the life changes more and love and want the baby but I still fear that I'll be totally hormonal and overwhelmed post-baby and freak out...

hmclaren · July 2017

My main struggle is that up until now this pregnancy has been fairly easy on me. I've had the typical symptoms but nothing extreme and overall I've felt good, haven't had any issues. Now I'm at about the 30w mark dealing with a GD diagnosis and all of the lifestyle changes associated with that, while also just starting to get very uncomfortable, overwhelmed with how much I have left to get done before this baby comes, and overly emotional. It just feels like it's been smooth sailing so far and now it's hitting me all at once and it's a lot to deal with. Plus I'm with you all on the body image issues. Growing a human is tough.

coastalmomma2 · July 2017

@jenn622-2, I've struggled with anxiety most of my life, so with my first pregnancy I was worried that I may be predisposed to something akin to post partum depression. In the weeks leading up to DS being born I met with a psychologist to talk about my anxieties and to create a plan in the event that I struggled mentally following the birth. Just doing that gave me much more confidence and helped to alleviate my fears. Don't be afraid to reach out for help.

I hear you about doubts regarding the choice to have a child. There were absolutely times right after DS was born that I wondered if I made the right choice. 3 years later I can say confidentally that I did.

Rhubarb7216 · July 2017

Thanks everyone for your support! I know baby will be fine at 37 weeks (assuming I can make it to 37!), but I just don't love the idea of being induced. Love it or not, it's what the doctors have decided is best for baby and me, so I'm just going to need to accept it. I do respect and trust my doctors, so if they think is what's best, then it's what has to happen.

I try to remind myself that I've made it REALLY far since I was told at 18 weeks that I was at risk for preterm labor due to short cervix. The baby is still cooking and looking really healthy at 33.5, so I need to just keep doing what I'm doing. 3 more days until 34 weeks, 17 more days until 36 weeks, and 24 more days until 37 weeks and induction. So close!

divinemsm620 · July 2017

@hmclaren That is almost EXACTLY how I am feeling. This is my third pregnancy, first child, and I was so happy that everything was going smoothly...until my GD diagnosis last Wednesday. I went to two pity parties this week, and the other days, when I've been able to cope, I have been expending a lot of mental energy making dietary changes. And yes, the discomfort has certainly set in now at the 30-week mark and there is still a ton to do.

k8ywags · July 2017

I keep flicking between excited/happy/confident to scared/anxious/doubting. I'm scared about labour, how much life will change, whether we're ready for this huge responsibility. Sometimes I look around my house when I've got a messy kitchen and an overflowing laundry basket and think "holy sh*t, I can't even look after myself, how am I going to look after a whole new human?!" But then at other times I feel so ready and excited for this whole new chapter. So many emotions!!!

mrsvp614 · July 2017

I can definitely relate to the body issues. I feel like I had been dieting and doing some kind of training for a decade leading up to this pregnancy since I've always been overweight, and I've let myself enjoy time off from that... a little too much.
I'm generally a very laid back, go with the flow person, but also somewhat of a control freak, and not having control is starting to give me anxiety. I'll be 34 weeks Thursday, and I have important events the next 4 Saturdays, so I keep hoping I'll make it past those. The fear of not knowing when/how this baby will come into the world is starting to really freak me out. DH is also a nervous wreck about financial/life changes that come with having our first child. I try to comfort him, but I also have similar fears. I know we'll figure it out as we go, like everyone else, but it's hard to not know what to expect.

missyrosek · July 2017

My mental health took quite a wallop late last week. My boss at work told me they would be switching me from the day shift to the night shift when I got back from my maternity leave. It upends my whole life and everything we've planned to put in place post-baby (childcare plans, budget, etc.).

Technically it's legal, because my job title isn't changing. But the head of HR understands that it logistically won't work for me, so she's helping me find other options for better hours within the company. But in the meantime, I'm feeling pretty hopeless about the future with everything so uncertain. Even if, best case scenario, she finds swing shifts to offer me, it still means I basically will never get to put my daughter to bed and I'm really struggling with that. I know plenty of parents work at night and that I should probably just suck it up. But this came out of left field and I had been working daytime hours for five years (after seven years at night).

Breath_Easy92 · July 2017

@Rhubarb7261 I'm in the same 37 week induction orders. I'm kind of nervous about it too, my doctor keeps calling it near term and I just don't know how to ask her everything I'm feeling about it. (I hope that made sense). But from my (shirt) time I worked in the NICU I did get to see a ton of babies 35 weeks and later pretty much come and get checked out then ultimately get sent back to mom because they were perfectly fine so logically I know 37 weeks isn't that big a deal. It's just different when it's your baby.

@margareth-2 don't feel like it's superficial so worry about what you will look like or feel like at all! I think about it all the time, I had just lost about 20 lbs and finally felt like I was in good shape and felt confident about it when I got pregnant. I've gained about the same as you and I feel really ridiculous worrying about it too though especially because I have a high risk pregnancy and I feel like I should spend all my time and energy focusing on keeping him in there as long as possible. But I think it's a big change and it's more about feeling like myself again then rather than what I look like. I just feel like my entire life, my career, my social time, my finances, my house, my body, etc has been taken over by this little alien and all of his bed rest requirements on top of normal pregnancy stuff. As a FTM it's really scary because you just don't know what anything will be like ever again but I just know personally, at least, I'd like to feel like myself again.

margareth-2 · July 2017

I almost feel like crying right now reading these posts bc so much resonated with me. ❤️ This is a huge life change -- something most of us wanted so so much (and still do -- but it's also really hard!). I feel SO vulnerable at times -- thinking that there's a baby inside me (still strange!), getting a bit nervous if i haven't felt any movement in a while, being so exposed in public i.e. everyone can tell I'm very pregnant, and having more trouble getting around, which is a bother. Plus, I didn't know there were so many aches and pains associated with pregnancy (I had a hint about labor...), so a lot of this is a surprise, as naive as that seems. Wow!

In solidarity with you all!

msashley2010-2 · July 2017

I'm going to be completely honest here... I love children, but I very much dislike being pregnant. I've had pretty easy pregnancies for the most part but I do not enjoy the process at all. I can't wait to have my body back to myself again. I'm excited about having the baby in my arms. But I'm also very apprehensive about PPD. It came on very strong with DD and I'm afraid of going back to that dark place again. I know what to look out for this time around so at least there's that but it is enough to scare me.

k8ywags · July 2017

@msashley2010-2 YES!!! I have not enjoyed pregnancy one little bit. I don't know what these woman are talking about when they say they loved being pregnant. I've had a fairly event free pregnancy and I'm super grateful for that but I still can't wait to not feel uncomfortable all the time and be able to go back to exercise and eating and drinking what I want

margareth-2 · July 2017

I so much appreciate everyone's honesty here. I think too commonly women feel pressure to say they love being pregnant, bc if not they're less than a woman, ungrateful, unlucky, unhealthy, un-maternal (pick an adjective)... you name it.

Im a FTM but so far I've only really liked a few moments in pregnancy. Some things are beautiful, but they're fleeting, and often eclipsed by worry, uncertainty, and discomfort. It's a lot harder physically and emotionally than I had anticipated.

divinemsm620 · July 2017

@msashley2010-2 @k8ywags @margareth-2 I have loved most things about pregnancy, despite being anxious in general and PGAL. It is a VERY physical experience and so much is out of our control. I get where you are all coming from--I also miss my body being my own. I did not like the first-trimester nausea and I definitely do not like my worsening stretch marks or having gestational diabetes. But I think I am just so relieved to know I will get to have a baby at the end of this journey--as will all of you!!!!--after having tried for a long time and gone through two miscarriages and tons of testing to get here. I do not enjoy strangers' comments about my size, but I do enjoy strangers (women) smiling at me on the street because they are clearly remembering their own babies' arrival. I couldn't finish putting my groceries away the other day because I was too tired (and it stinks to give up even that basic level of independence!!), but I also get to see the joy and wonder on my husband's face when our son kicks. He's been really supportive throughout the whole pregnancy, which has helped a lot. So it's definitely not all sunshine and roses, but I think when women say "I loved being pregnant," some of the positive things I've experienced have to be part of what they mean. I feel connected to other women, including you all, because of this shared experience. And I am trying to take it one day at a time, reminding myself everything is temporary and there's a baby coming at the end! :-)

lilpoots · July 2017

@Rhubarb7216 thinking of you. I hope that everything works out to allow the baby to gestate until 36-37 weeks. I had my son at 36 weeks due to placenta previa and while he went to nicu to be evaluated because of low blood sugar, he didn't have to stay.

@margareth-2 every pregnancy is different. I had a glowing happy pregnancy with my first, even though I ended up with complications. This pregnancy has been uncomfortable from the very beginning, exhausting and I'm thinking this will be my last baby. The pressure to love pregnancy is not fair and it is especially hard for women with IF. Yes, we have tried for a long time to get pregnant and now we are lucky to be here, but you don't have to pretend that throwing up, swelling or pelvic dysfunction are enjoyable.

missyrosek · July 2017

margareth-2 said:

I so much appreciate everyone's honesty here. I think too commonly women feel pressure to say they love being pregnant, bc if not they're less than a woman, ungrateful, unlucky, unhealthy, un-maternal (pick an adjective)... you name it.

Im a FTM but so far I've only really liked a few moments in pregnancy. Some things are beautiful, but they're fleeting, and often eclipsed by worry, uncertainty, and discomfort. It's a lot harder physically and emotionally than I had anticipated.

This. So much this. Thanks for giving words to a feeling I've felt for the past few weeks, @margareth-2.

wannabeamongoose · July 2017

lilpoots said:

The pressure to love pregnancy is not fair and it is especially hard for women with IF. Yes, we have tried for a long time to get pregnant and now we are lucky to be here, but you don't have to pretend that throwing up, swelling or pelvic dysfunction are enjoyable.

Agreed. You get to feel blessed about your baby after all you've gone through and dislike being pregnant all at the same time. Frustrations over the not-so-easy process of actually being pregnant does not in any way diminish your love for and commitment to this baby.

margareth-2 · July 2017

Amen to that! (Last line)

@missyrosek glad you could relate -- it helps to give voice to complicated and difficult emotions that can feel alienating... unless we share them with others who can relate in some way!

jessieR358 · July 2017

@missrosek I would be really upset with going to night shift also. I've worked nights and I can barely function during the day. I hope they can find something for you.

coastalmomma2 · July 2017

@margareth-2, I'm the odd woman out here -- With DS (and this pregnancy) I had a smooth, easy pregnancy, and I enjoyed most of it. What was most difficult and what I was most frustrated by occurred after DS was born and I felt a huge pressure from everyone to 1. Immediately bond with my new baby who felt like a stranger 2. Feel like I should be overwhelmed with happiness over the birth of my son. In reality, I was in pain, exhausted, and overwhelmed. I would hear comments like, "Enjoy it while it lasts since the newborn phase is so short," and I would think, "I sure hope so!" That being said, many people do love the newborn stage -- I don't mean to frighten any first time moms. But, I agree, there is pressure on pregnant women to love every stage of pregnancy and parenthood in a way that there is not on fathers.

JustBored10 · July 2017

I agree @CoastalMomma I absolutely hated the newborn stage. I could not wait to get back to work after having my DS. I am hoping it isn't the same this time around just because I know what to expect. It was a hard change from being so independent and leaving the house whenever I wanted to and doing what I wanted to to being at home 24/7 with the baby. No more freedom LOL! But as my DS got older and out of the newborn stage all I wanted to do was be at home with him because I always felt like I was missing milestones. The ups and downs of the emotions of becoming a parent are real. No body is perfect.

mrsvp614 · July 2017

@CoastalMomma Thanks for sharing! That's what I'm having some anxiety about. I'm a FTM, and I actually have enjoyed being pregnant, but I'm nervous about the birth/postpartum and lifestyle change that comes with having a baby. It's helpful to hear that it's okay to not love every second.

margareth-2 · July 2017

Important conversation!

I don't know what to expect postpartum since I'm a FTM, but today the difficulty of pregnancy (for me) really hit home. Overall I've had good days and bad days ("bad" more prevalent especially since 30 weeks -- I'm 33+ now), but today i was so uncomfortable I was about to cancel a tutoring session I had scheduled (I pulled through -- whew!). The aches and pains include some stomach pains, back pains, headaches, general "heaviness," fatigue, debilitating Braxton hicks... ugh! I saw the OB yesterday and everything appears fine with the pregnancy, but man, why am I struggling so much? I'm happy for women who love being pregnant (lucky), but it makes me wonder why I'm having a harder time -- makes me feel like such a lightweight and I just generally feel puzzled about it.

As for having a newborn, I'm sure there are many challenges and i have no doubt it won't be easy! It's amazing bringing a baby into the world, but it's hard being a woman, let's face it.

coastalmomma2 · July 2017

@MrsVP614, I felt terribly guilty about my feelings a brand new mom until I heard other moms echo similar feelings at a new parent group I joined through the hospital. It definitely helps to know that other moms experience similar emotions with both pregnancy and parenthood.

@JustBored10, At the time, I was unemployed, so I had no job to go back to. But, I remember hearing my pediatrician say that I would have to keep DS at home for the first four weeks of his life to limit exposure, and I cried in her office. I get cabin fever so easily that the thought of being in my apartment for four weeks felt so stifling and unlike me. Like you, I think the hardest part was adjusting my lifestyle and expectations. I'm hoping that with DD, this will be easier since we have adapted to parenthood. Although I'm sure there will be other challenges with two children.

coastalmomma2 · July 2017

@margareth-2, don't get down on yourself. Every body handles pregnancy and childbirth differently.

divinemsm620 · July 2017

@margareth-2 you aren't a lightweight!! I think I have been happy pregnant because I was supremely UNhappy (jealous of other women, overall dissatisfied with life) before this pregnancy. That was unhealthy and not normal; your feelings, on the other hand, are totally normal. As @CoastalMomma said, we all handle things differently. Currently I'm trying not to be pissed at my friend who is pregnant with #2 and has thus been offering unsolicited advice rather than support.

margareth-2 · July 2017

Thanks for the encouragement -- I truly had no idea how varied pregnancy experiences could be! We're all going through the same thing... yet, we're not. Come to think of it, that is a fact for many life passages: marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, raising kids... it's the "same experience," but it's so not.

Breath_Easy92 · July 2017

@margareth-2 you are in no way a lightweight! I was telling my husband at about 4:15 am today that I was just so horribly uncomfortable that I didn't know how I was going to make it 3-4 more weeks! I just feel like I'm carrying around a bowling ball.

To all you mama who are still working full time in the third trimester I just want you to know I have SO MUCH respect! I've not been allowed to work with my limitations since April and I constantly wonder how people manage it! I'm only allowed up 6ish hours a day and I'm tired.

Also, I've been think about this a lot lately...
I think I would've enjoyed being pregnant had I not been high risk since very early on and my grandma (whom I was very close to) died at 7 weeks pregnant. It was my first experience with a close loss and it hit me like a mac truck. I mean I was sobbing on the hospital floor next to her bed for hours one day... not sure how much was hormones though. I still tear up thinking about it though. And with being high risk I just constantly worried and couldn't find contentment for a long time. So I feel a little resentment toward life's timing and my bum placenta, I feel like I had what was suppose to be a happy time kind of ripped away from me. I have always loved baby's and thought I'd like the newborn stage but everyone keeps telling me how awful it is and they complain about their kids so much I'm terrified that I'll be like "what have we done to our lives".

Rhubarb7216 · July 2017

Breath_Easy92 said:
Also, I've been think about this a lot lately...
I think I would've enjoyed being pregnant had I not been high risk since very early on and my grandma (whom I was very close to) died at 7 weeks pregnant. It was my first experience with a close loss and it hit me like a mac truck. I mean I was sobbing on the hospital floor next to her bed for hours one day... not sure how much was hormones though. I still tear up thinking about it though. And with being high risk I just constantly worried and couldn't find contentment for a long time. So I feel a little resentment toward life's timing and my bum placenta, I feel like I had what was suppose to be a happy time kind of ripped away from me. I have always loved baby's and thought I'd like the newborn stage but everyone keeps telling me how awful it is and they complain about their kids so much I'm terrified that I'll be like "what have we done to our lives".

@Breath_Easy92, sorry about your grandmother. I can totally relate about enjoying being pregnant if you had not been high risk. Despite multiple complications, I really have felt decent my whole pregnancy (no morning sickness and I don't have many complaints even now at 34 weeks!) and think I actually could have been one of those people who says they like being pregnant. But being on edge since 18 weeks has taken a lot of the joy out of it for me. I've had a lot of thoughts of "this isn't how it was supposed to be" and frustrations about how little control I've had over my own life...from activity restrictions right down to having to be induced. I'm certainly really excited for the baby to arrive (3 weeks from today!), but I just wish the pregnancy could have gone differently. My husband and I had planned on this being baby 1 of 2, but I can't help but wonder if a second pregnancy is a good idea after all the challenges this one has brought.

EmilyE13 · July 2017

@lilpoots and @wannabeamongoose I'm right there with you on feeling the pressure to love and appreciate every moment of pregnancy after going through IF. I have enjoyed a lot of my pregnancy thus far (biggest physical complaints have been the heartburn and stretch makes), but right now the raging hormones have me barely functioning. I've cried off and on the entire day and have been super needy and yet also short-fused with DH. Great combination, I know. I'm pretty sure he wants to be anywhere BUT near me at the moment, and I don't blame him. I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed and very fragile for the most part. I'm terrified of not being good at this Motherhood thing, and then beat myself up over feeling that way since we've gone so much to get here.

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