Pros VS Cons of Finding out the Gender

berryfantasticfour · July 2017

DH and I of course have different views on finding out the gender; I have had two babies prior with a different father, the first was a girl and I found out her gender but at 37 weeks she was stillborn, I then had a healthy son and I didn't find out the gender and I thought it was the best experience. DH really wants to find out the gender and I am torn.

RSB1982 · July 2017

We didn't find out last time and it was so much fun! DH loved the experience of announcing 'it's a girl!' in the delivery room. Leaning towards not finding out this time too. For some reason I find not knowing the sex to be less stressful. It also drives people nuts which I kind of find enjoyable, haha.

berryfantasticfour · July 2017

I forgot to mention this is DH's first baby.

eggplantface · July 2017

We found out before I even knew I was pregnant (yay IVF and PGS!) and wanted to know from day 1. We figure we're going to find out the sex eventually anyway, what does it matter when it happens?

winnie1122 · July 2017

I like finding out because I'm impatient and it's fun to have that milestone during pregnancy, plus it helps me focus on names. But to each their own, I know lots of people love the surprise of finding out at delivery. I just figure there's already so much excitement that day I like getting some of it earlier.

kahlya88 · July 2017

I am a NEED TO KNOW person, I felt it really helped me bond with baby and I didn't like referring to my belly as 'my babes' and 'little bean'.
It's a surprise either way! The only difference is timing.
Also- I ended up having an emerg csection and was half out of it, I feel like I would have lost out on the moment if I had waited.

mommaSG · July 2017

I have to know because i am so not a fan of suprises. I want to be prepared so i can make sire i have the clothing that o want and habe all the bedding and things match. Luckly DH and i agree on that because i want to be able to start calling LO by a name other than baby or it

BelhurstBride · July 2017

You're asking about finding out the sex. Not the gender. It's possible no one's going to know the gender for years to come.

We were Team Green with both of our girls. It was our preference.

This is our last. I want to find out this time. If we're having a boy I'd like to start cleaning out the house now, rather than when I have a newborn in the house.

selahluna · July 2017

Thanks @BelhurstBride for the reminders for everyone! It's common to see people confuse sex vs gender. As a heads up to everyone in future posts, try to remember to use the correct term for whatever you're asking. Gender cannot be determined for a long time after your little one is born, but the sex of your baby is anatomical and determined at conception. Not a lecture- just a friendly heads up before lots of "gender" comments arise later on as NT scans/screenings and later anatomy scans come up.

We found out the last two times and will this time as well. Like a PP said, the birth is such a surprise as it is (especially if you're an emergency section and miss the birth as I did for one of mine). I want to be present and focused on every moment I can of my pregnancy. If I can find out early, more fun for me! (I have had friends who keep it a mystery and love it- just like birth, this choice is for you to make and what feels right to you.)

LadyMillil · July 2017

Both DH and I want to find out the sex as soon as we can. I'm impatient and don't like referring to baby as 'it' and he thinks he'll bond better if he know the sex and can use the name we've picked.

julievdm12 · July 2017

We haven't found out the gender either time and won't again with this one. That "its a girl" or "it's a boy" moment was so special to both of us. We wouldn't change it for anything.
The most common reason people give for finding out to me is "don't you want to have all the right "stuff"?"
But we wanted gender neautral items for things like bouncer chair, play mat, car seat, so it would be able to be used again hopefully, and as for clothes.... let's say our many excited family members took care of that with a single trip to the hospital.

soulcupcake · July 2017

We'll be finding out the sex when I opt for Harmony test. I like knowing ahead of time.

GraceUponGrace09 · July 2017

I loved not knowing last time. DH really wants to find out this time so we probably will but I loved the surprise/suspense.
I'm kinda a minimalist so I didn't feel like I had a lot to do to get ready. I had a small handful of newborn baby boy and girl outfits washed and ready. We were given a lot of boy outfits at the hospital and soon after and I didn't have to buy any outfits for him for a long time. Most other things we used were gender neutral.
The moment in the hospital was so special learning he was a boy!

the_other_mother · July 2017

I found out last time and definitely plan to find out again. I feel for me it does help me bond with the baby. I like to pick a name before birth as well. I also like how winnie put it, it's another milestone to look forward to.

FYI I also prefer not to be told how to use the English language. Sorry if that's not PC enough for the internet.

sabriel1 · July 2017

I've done it both ways. DD and DS1 we found out but with DS2 we didn't and I just wasn't able to form as much of an attachment before birth. When he was born we had that "it's a boy" moment and I was just like "yeah, ok". I was so out of it from the birth process that they could've told me he was a leprechaun and I would've said that. I prefer to be in the moment and truly get excited about it when we find out.

Not to mention I had a feeling he was a girl the whole time so when he turned out to be a boy it almost feels confusing (I know that sounds weird but sometimes you just get a feeling so strongly one way or another)

ashhsa · July 2017

We will find out-in my first pregnancy I found it very hard to comprehend there was a little human growing inside me, once I found out the sex it really made me think about the "baby" rather than just myself and the "pregnancy" if that makes sense.

kbrinks2 · July 2017

We didn't find out with our DS and I was happy to have that surprise! My husband was so excited to say "it's a boy!" Its definitely a personal choice and there is no right or wrong choice! I like the surprise at the end so we will not be finding out again this time around!

berryfantasticfour · July 2017

the_other_mother said:

I found out last time and definitely plan to find out again. I feel for me it does help me bond with the baby. I like to pick a name before birth as well. I also like how winnie put it, it's another milestone to look forward to.

FYI I also prefer not to be told how to use the English language. Sorry if that's not PC enough for the internet.

Oh thank you, I didn't think there was a difference but I'm wrong apparently, I thought this was a place to express yourself without judgement

babymakes9 · July 2017

kbrinks2 said: no

We didn't find out with our DS and I was happy to have that surprise! My husband was so excited to say "it's a boy!" Its definitely a personal choice and there is no right or wrong choice! I like the surprise at the end so we will not be finding out again this time around!

I had one pregnancy i was convinced i was having a boy, even after i wad told otherwise at the sono and even at birth i was still pretty admit it was supposed to be a boy! Lol.

babymakes9 · July 2017

I have always found out at the sonogram. My dh wants to know asap what it is, hee didn't want to wait for a gender reveal or any of that he wants them to tell him as soon as they can He's said boy or girl doesn't matter, he just wants to know.

eggplantface · July 2017

berryfantasticfour said:

the_other_mother said:

I found out last time and definitely plan to find out again. I feel for me it does help me bond with the baby. I like to pick a name before birth as well. I also like how winnie put it, it's another milestone to look forward to.

FYI I also prefer not to be told how to use the English language. Sorry if that's not PC enough for the internet.

Oh thank you, I didn't think there was a difference but I'm wrong apparently, I thought this was a place to express yourself without judgement

There was no judgment, just an explanation of the distinction.

kbrinks2 · July 2017

mamaof5already said:

kbrinks2 said: no

We didn't find out with our DS and I was happy to have that surprise! My husband was so excited to say "it's a boy!" Its definitely a personal choice and there is no right or wrong choice! I like the surprise at the end so we will not be finding out again this time around!

I had one pregnancy i was convinced i was having a boy, even after i wad told otherwise at the sono and even at birth i was still pretty admit it was supposed to be a boy! Lol.

I was actually convinced it was a girl!! We were even more surprised it was a boy, but I still have such an amazing bond with him! I ended up having a c-section 18 hours into labour and it was nice to have a little surprise left!

the_other_mother · July 2017

eggplantface said:

berryfantasticfour said:

the_other_mother said:

I found out last time and definitely plan to find out again. I feel for me it does help me bond with the baby. I like to pick a name before birth as well. I also like how winnie put it, it's another milestone to look forward to.

FYI I also prefer not to be told how to use the English language. Sorry if that's not PC enough for the internet.

Oh thank you, I didn't think there was a difference but I'm wrong apparently, I thought this was a place to express yourself without judgement

There was no judgment, just an explanation of the distinction.

Somewhat agree. I didn't sense judgement in the statements made. (In this post)
It also wasn't just an explanation of the distinction. There was a directive to "use the correct term." I'll use whatever term I see fit, and trust me, there will be judgement for that.

mblomq2 · July 2017

@the_other_mother that's fine I guess but it's just like saying I choose to call bananas apples bc I want to. But you do you!

berryfantasticfour · July 2017

The synonym for gender is sex, everyone has their opinion and terms they use. In my opinion, different parts of the country refer to different words that mean the same thing; i.e. coke, pop and soda; again just my opinion. I understand the argument being presented but I will agree to disagree out of respect for everyone.

NKF312 · July 2017

We found out we were having a girl the first time and will find out at our first opportunity this time too, I'm just a need to know person

julievdm12 · July 2017

mblomq2 said:

@the_other_mother that's fine I guess but it's just like saying I choose to call bananas apples bc I want to. But you do you!

Yeah.....that's not the same thing.... poor analogy choice.

soulcupcake · July 2017

berryfantasticfour said:

The synonym for gender is sex, everyone has their opinion and terms they use. In my opinion, different parts of the country refer to different words that mean the same thing; i.e. coke, pop and soda; again just my opinion. I understand the argument being presented but I will agree to disagree out of respect for everyone.

When we know better, we do better, and thanks to modern science, to include "soft" sciences, we can now understand the distinction between gender (often rooted in sociological and cultural constructs) and sex (the reproductive organs an individual is born with which are biological and physiological). Today's researchers aim for using the correct terminology.

As addressed here (since the TB prides itself in being all about science):

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1359104502007003002
https://jap.physiology.org/content/99/3/785
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/1031120
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-011-9932-5
https://www.hawaii.edu/PCSS/biblio/articles/2000to2004/2002-sex-and-gender.html

Yes, I realize there's a longstanding tradition of conflating the two terms, but this tradition is also rooted in cultural norms where a distinction was yet to be researched and studied, when strict cultural customs designated roles for each sex. There are a lot of factors that determine both sex and gender.

BrittaniLC · July 2017

Something I like to mention, if you are a ftm and find the gender and tell people, you tend to get mostly gender specific clothes at your baby shower vs getting all of the things you NEED! Bottles, car seat, stroller, high chair, PNP, bottles, bath tub, swing, bouncy seat...you get what I mean.

Also, sometimes you don't always get the "It's a boy/girl" announcement after deliver, especially if there were complications. We didn't get it with DD and was kind of disappointed, but we understood making sure baby was healthy was the top priority. Just want OP to hear all sides.

Anna_1021 · July 2017

We would like to find out, but i guess this highly depends on your personality - we are "like to know and get 'prepared'" kind of people

Someone above made a good point on the fact that a newborn does not necessary need too much gender specific preparation though.
I also have a feeling that I'd be able to bond better with my baby with finding out the sex. But it is just a feeling from a FTM.

Good luck and have fun with whatever choice you make!

jessilee15 · July 2017

Didn't find out with either of the first two. I'm impatient so i probably would have found out, but it was a lot of fun to be surprised. Baby #3, I was initially thinking of finding out because I have two boys and I would like to purge some boy stuff if it's a girl, but then I decided to hold off - I still have plenty of neutral stuff in newborn and 0-3 sizes...and there was just something about waiting that made the day more special

alice0218 · July 2017

BrittaniLC said:

Something I like to mention, if you are a ftm and find the gender and tell people, you tend to get mostly gender specific clothes at your baby shower vs getting all of the things you NEED! Bottles, car seat, stroller, high chair, PNP, bottles, bath tub, swing, bouncy seat...you get what I mean.

Also, sometimes you don't always get the "It's a boy/girl" announcement after deliver, especially if there were complications. We didn't get it with DD and was kind of disappointed, but we understood making sure baby was healthy was the top priority. Just want OP to hear all sides.

I am a FTM and I appreciate this insight! I think we want to find out so we can nail down the names and feel prepared mentally. But this gives me the idea to not tell anyone else the sex! Just pretend we are waiting until birth. Whatever it is, I always hated the idea of baby girls in pink and baby blue for boys. I just don't like the colors.

I'd be happy if this baby wears grey onesies until it can dress itself.

And I don't want a ton of clothes we don't need like you said, but would prefer the boring useful stuff if anyone gets a present for us.

Have any of you found out the sex but just not told the rest of the world and kept it between you and DH?

the_other_mother · July 2017

@alice0218 we found out and didn't tell anyone until the shower. That way people weren't buying us a bunch of super girly stuff that either wasn't our taste or couldn't be reused if we had a boy in the future. We received a lot of good useful items as well as gender neutral items. It drove people crazy, but whatever, your baby your choice. I did a reveal at the shower, which was fun. I wouldn't have had an additional party just for that.

magnolia305 · July 2017

I did tell people the sex of DS and feel like I got almost everything on my registry. I just registered for gender neutral items (which is more my style anyway). I made sure I had a variety of items on my registry at several different price points, so there was something for everyone to purchase. I actually didn't get that much clothes and only a few packs of diapers. I feel like when people don't know what to get or things are too expensive--they get random clothing and diapers.

@the_other_mother I like the idea of not sharing until the shower. Super cute!

winnie1122 · July 2017

^Same, I got very few clothes even though people knew I was having a boy. I had a lot of lower cost items on my registry so I think that helped. I put books on there and I was glad I did! Though I can see how people might go a little more clothes crazy with a girl? At least people I know, ha.

sabriel1 · July 2017

I'm thinking about finding out this time but not letting people know that we found out. Not for gifts in our case but more for the comments

We have one girl and then three boys and if this baby is another boy I know people are going to say rude stuff like "oh well, it's ok, DD will get used to another brother", or "are you going to try again for another girl" (I know these comments will come because they did last time as well). If it's a girl I'm sure the comments will be equally wierd " oh you finally got another girl, you must be done now"

julievdm12 · July 2017

sabriel1 said:

I'm thinking about finding out this time but not letting people know that we found out. Not for gifts in our case but more for the comments

We have one girl and then three boys and if this baby is another boy I know people are going to say rude stuff like "oh well, it's ok, DD will get used to another brother", or "are you going to try again for another girl" (I know these comments will come because they did last time as well). If it's a girl I'm sure the comments will be equally wierd " oh you finally got another girl, you must be done now"

Oh man, I can't say enough how much it irks me that everyone thinks it's ok to have an opinion on your family dynamic.
And the whole: "are you going to try for a girl/boy now?"
As if you can try for one or the other. There is zero control people....duh.

farmrose · July 2017

We were team green with the first two and it was a lot of fun. I was completely convinced DD1 was a boy, she was the first girl in 5 generations on my husband's side of the family. With DD2 I was pretty sure she was a girl. It was fun to find out at delivery and drive everyone crazy making them wait too. Like mentioned above, we got almost all useful things at our shower since nobody knew what we were having, and it was all neutral so we can keep using it for all the kiddos. That said, I feel like I didn't bond as much with them while I was pregnant because I didn't know "who" they were. It doesn't effect our bond after birth though.
This time we decided we're going to find out to help the girls bond with the baby ahead of time. Although, I'm not looking forward to the comments on family dynamic either. Though we're already getting the-are you hoping for a boy, are you going to be done if it's a boy, etc. I wish people would just not talk to me when I'm pregnant ...But that might not have anything to do with baby's sex.

ladyfiona11 · July 2017

We're still waiting on gender and he is almost three. Pretty sure he is all boy though. We found out the sex of our first at our 20 week ultrasound and that was fun, it was a surprise pregnancy so I liked being able to name the baby and kind of connect before birth. We were team green for the second and waited until birth to find out the sex. That surprise was a blast and we're doing the same this time as well. In my experience the sex of the baby makes little to no difference in what the baby needs. I don't gender objects, colors or clothing so I don't need to pink or blue wash the nursery based on the sex. We'll figure out the gender in a few years

neener*neener* · July 2017

ladyfiona11 said:

We're still waiting on gender and he is almost three. Pretty sure he is all boy though. We found out the sex of our first at our 20 week ultrasound and that was fun, it was a surprise pregnancy so I liked being able to name the baby and kind of connect before birth. We were team green for the second and waited until birth to find out the sex. That surprise was a blast and we're doing the same this time as well. In my experience the sex of the baby makes little to no difference in what the baby needs. I don't gender objects, colors or clothing so I don't need to pink or blue wash the nursery based on the sex. We'll figure out the gender in a few years

Can you explain how you'll find out the gender in a few years? I'm genuinely curious.

LadyMillil · July 2017

neener*neener* said:

ladyfiona11 said:

We're still waiting on gender and he is almost three. Pretty sure he is all boy though. We found out the sex of our first at our 20 week ultrasound and that was fun, it was a surprise pregnancy so I liked being able to name the baby and kind of connect before birth. We were team green for the second and waited until birth to find out the sex. That surprise was a blast and we're doing the same this time as well. In my experience the sex of the baby makes little to no difference in what the baby needs. I don't gender objects, colors or clothing so I don't need to pink or blue wash the nursery based on the sex. We'll figure out the gender in a few years

Can you explain how you'll find out the gender in a few years? I'm genuinely curious.

Sex = biological, ie XX is a girl and XY is a boy.
Gender is a social construct and is not determined by biological sex, but by what a person identifies with. While someone can be born biologically male or female they may not identify with that gender, but this maybnot be obvious until childhood or adolesence.

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