@c+mpeachey sorry for what you are going through. Infertility will make your emotions go on a toss. If you do decide to get help, I do hope it gives you what you need to deal with the emotions you are dealing with.
As for being afraid of your relationship with your daughter because of how your relationship with your mom - I just want to say this. I am someone who has not had a great relationship with my mom but through that experience I've concentrated on what did not work and how to not do that to my child. I've taken it as a life lesson and I strongly believe I am not my mom and neither my daughter will be me. It's ours to mold into what we believe is the right thing. That fact that you think about it already shows how much you value and care for this relationship to be right.
@ShePersisted thank you its been two years now, but still so hard. I keep putting off my appointment and rescheduling because I know they want the scan done and I'm honestly afraid
@c+mpeachey I'm so sorry for all your thoughts and your feelings. It's unbelievably hard to process everything going on at once, I hope you choose to seek help and I hope that it benefits you greatly. ♡
@c+mpeachey Hugs. I think it's a really good idea to talk to a professional. And I agree with @ShePersisted. Use your relationship with your mom to know what not to do - that's basically what I do with my relationship with my mom. I try to be everything that she wasn't for me and not degrade my daughter's (or son's) confidence like she did mine.
@laura3+2@kyethra@c+mpeachy I have to admit that I cannot understand gender disappointment yet, but you three have very different experiences that have led me to understand more about circumstances that could lead to it. Thank you for shedding light on your situations. I know you'll be great moms to your babies regardless!!
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
I didn't expect it but I cried after my A/S today. I've been feeling this baby was a boy from the start but I think knowing this is my last baby and knowing that I will never have a daughter hit me hard. I thought of all the things I imagined getting to do with a daughter and knowing that they will never happen now. It's like letting go of a dream I didn't realize I was holding onto. I think I'm a better boy mom and I love my boys but I'm missing something I never had. Then I was upset that I was upset because I have a healthy baby boy on the way and I already have plans for the nursery and a list of names to go through. I know I'm not the only ones who has felt this way but I feel like DH doesnt really understand. I'm happy and sad.
For as long as I can remember, I have dreamt of my little baby girl. I'm 38 right now, and it's been such a struggle to get here the first time, that my hopes for a second are not very high. I honestly expected that finding out I am having a boy was going to devastate me for a good bit. I will chalk it up to the fact that I am just overjoyed to have gotten this far and everything looks absolutely perfect with my little guy. As soon as we were done with the scan, the first thing I said to my husband, "So, Mickey, Sports, or Superheroes? Time to start decorating" It's almost as though it didn't even hit me. I still see cute girly stuff that I go gaga for...who knows...maybe this is my subconscious telling me that a second baby isn't necessarily out of the question. Otherwise, one of my besties is due 1 month before me, and finally getting her girl, after 3 boys, so it's time for this auntie to do some shopping If I can't have the cute girly stuff for my own girl, at least I can still enjoy seeing her in it
me: 38 - dh: 37 1st BFP: Aug. 18, 2014 - MC: Sept. 30, 2014 2nd BFP: July 4, 2015 - MC: Aug. 18, 2015 3rd BFP: March 7, 2016 - MC: April 6, 2016 4th BFP: October 6, 2016 - MC: Nov. 24, 2016 5th BFP: March 2, 2017 - EDD Nov. 10, 2017
I think I'm in denial still. My husband says "our son" or uses male pronouns all the time now, and I have yet to say that out loud. Of course we are hoping to keep the gender to ourselves IRL so maybe that's a good thing. I never expected to find myself on this board. I wanted to be Team Green because I really thought I wouldn't care either way. Of course I'm so relieved to have a healthy baby and I don't take that for granted at all! I'm just having these other strange feelings that I didn't expect and I'm glad to be working through them now rather than later. I've started buying cute boy outfits to get in the zone and I hung them by my bed so I can stare at them and dream of all the things my little boy could be
6 weeks after we found out this one is a boy and we had our anatomy scan today. I found myself relieved to have it confirmed that he's a boy. Such a switch from my initial thoughts. I think since everyone had convinced me before that it was a girl I'd bonded with "her" and I was sad "she" was gone. The idea of another boy felt foreign. Now that we've been using his name for weeks I love the idea of a brother for DS and am happy to have another boy.
I say this this because I felt a LOT of guilt about feeling disappointed, and to let those in the thick of those really tough emotions know that it will pass.
After having 3 boys, we found out today that we are having a girl. I am really struggling, you guys. I can't wrap my head around this. I know that it is so greedy of me to want another boy. I had no idea that I felt this strongly about it. I am just hoping that once the initial shock of it wear off it will be okay, but I just can't imagine myself with a daughter.
I am far from being disappointed about my baby's sex since all I care about is that he's healthy and I hope coming in November, but I am disappointed I can't buy bows and flowery dresses. However, I can worry about my own outfits and save college money for him! Haha... Maybe next baby!
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
I'm not sure anyone is really disappointed in what they are having. It's more the loss of a chance to do something they had been imagining. Like the bows or a DH having a mini me. I'm kind of pissed off that other BMBs have taken it upon themselves to shame the women who are further along who have voiced their feelings. Especially since they started the thread too early for anyone who isn't high risk to know what they are having, marginalizing many of the women in their groups. Being upset about the loss of a perceived joy isn't wrong, not one woman has said they wished not to be pregnant because of their baby's sex. Seeing as we are human we don't have complete control over our emotional reactions to information just as many of us had different reactions when we found out we were expecting.
I really appreciate that we have this place to discuss it, even though I know that there are a lot of women who don't understand. I'm shocked at how sad I am that I will never have another little boy. I never would have known that I would feel this way, and I only have one IRL friend that I think I can talk to about it. So like @MaximumEffort said, I'm really glad that our BMB has been supportive of the thread and those who don't feel the same way simply respect the difference. That's what I love about this BMB in general:)
I have found that hanging the new baby clothes up where I have to look at it every day is helping with coming to grips with having a girl. I'm still struggling with the whole concept of "it's a girl". I love my 2 boys, I always wanted boys, I honestly never wanted girls. I feel like I can't talk to my DH about this because of his autism, he simply doesn't understand being disappointed or having trouble processing something as practical and unchangeable as "we are having a girl". His response is "yes, we are having a girl now, what's to be upset about?" I know he wants to help and doesn't know how. He always wanted a little girl, so with our first son he felt about 5 seconds of disappointment, then got on with the practical issues of getting ready for a baby. He's very happy about this little girl and I don't think he can understand why I'm not as thrilled.
I think part of my problem is that it took so long and so much effort to get our two boys. 12 months for DS1 and 16 months for DS2, charting, temping, timing, peeing on OV sticks and all the rest. With this one it was an accident. We had just decided that we wanted a third, then 4 days later I found out I was already 6 weeks pregnant. To say it was a shock would be an understatement. Then to add on top that to find out at 10 weeks that it is a girl, when I really hadn't even processed that I was actually pregnant I think is just a little much for me emotionally.
I was absolutely sure I'd have gender disappointment if we had one over the other but we found out today while I was in the hospital for a reaction to shellfish I was accidentally served and it was the one I thought i would feel sad about. However that epic horrible scare kind of just made me so relieved. That is NOT to say I don't totally feel for you guys facing the disappointment, because I absolutely completely do. I was sure it would be me! Just having such a close call with something going severely horribly kind of dramatically changed it for me.
I hope that didn't come off insensitive because I swear I didn't mean it in a "be grateful for what you have you whores" way. Not at ALL my intention!! Which I know you guys know me and know I wouldn't do so if that is how it came off I am so so so sorry. I genuinely want to support your disappointment--you feel how you need to feel!
I hope that didn't come off insensitive because I swear I didn't mean it in a "be grateful for what you have you whores" way. Not at ALL my intention!! Which I know you guys know me and know I wouldn't do so if that is how it came off I am so so so sorry. I genuinely want to support your disappointment--you feel how you need to feel!
I know I didn't take it that way at all, you definitely had a scary day today and I'm glad you at least found out gender as a silver lining! I'm so glad everything is ok with you and baby
I feel like people automatically react to the word disappointment. And dissapointment is not the word i would use BUT i dont have a better word to describe how it feels. I think it is totally valid to mourn the loss of a future that you imagined for your child.i imagined my daughter at her wedding and doing dance in her little tutu and her first hwartbreak when she wants a snuggle that she hasnt asked for in years. When i found out i was having a boy i was sad to lose those things. I am sad that i cant choose which hairbow to bring her home in, and the little pink tutu for her newborn photoshoot. It helped to celebrate the things that come along with having a boy. I look forwarf to raising a son who respects women and understands the word no, even when its not spoken. I am excited to put my little boy in his first fancy suit and buy him his traditional outfit for dance (which just wont be a skirt anymore) Im not saying that 100 percent my daughter would have done all those things or my son will do all these things, but just that dissapointment isnt the right word for how i felt about it. Even mourn is a strong word for it. But then to be shamed and guilted on top of it when im ALREADY feeling guilty for not just being happy for this wonderful healthy child i have the pleasure of carrying... the feelings were just so complex. Anyways i guess what im trying to say is that all of your feelings are VALID. and we should be building eachother up not knocking eachother down.
Sorry if anyrhing o said here offended or hurt anybodys feelings
I feel like people automatically react to the word disappointment. And dissapointment is not the word i would use BUT i dont have a better word to describe how it feels. I think it is totally valid to mourn the loss of a future that you imagined for your child.i imagined my daughter at her wedding and doing dance in her little tutu and her first hwartbreak when she wants a snuggle that she hasnt asked for in years. When i found out i was having a boy i was sad to lose those things. I am sad that i cant choose which hairbow to bring her home in, and the little pink tutu for her newborn photoshoot. It helped to celebrate the things that come along with having a boy. I look forwarf to raising a son who respects women and understands the word no, even when its not spoken. I am excited to put my little boy in his first fancy suit and buy him his traditional outfit for dance (which just wont be a skirt anymore) Im not saying that 100 percent my daughter would have done all those things or my son will do all these things, but just that dissapointment isnt the right word for how i felt about it. Even mourn is a strong word for it. But then to be shamed and guilted on top of it when im ALREADY feeling guilty for not just being happy for this wonderful healthy child i have the pleasure of carrying... the feelings were just so complex. Anyways i guess what im trying to say is that all of your feelings are VALID. and we should be building eachother up not knocking eachother down.
Sorry if anyrhing o said here offended or hurt anybodys feelings
I feel like you expressed this idea so well!! And exactly right, everyone here has such valid feelings. Whether you were instantly stoked or needed to mourn an idea first, your feelings are okay to have and should be honored and respected!
I love that everyone is very supportive here . It isn't always the case and being made to feel like your opinions and feeling are invalid or offensive when you already don't want to feel them isn't fair and can just make it worse . I think part if us staying team green is to not set up any kind of want or expectation that can open doors to disappointment around the baby . So for me I totally understand how some people might not react even how they expected to and also how you can't control this . And it's perfectly OK to feel these things and it never lessens the love you have or deminishes the parent you'll be to them .
It's nice to have somewhere open to these feelings
@ooodalollly it sounds like your husband is just a good dad overall, boy or girl. My husband is also a manly guy, but he doesn't mind when our son plays with dolls or things like that. Sure, when he plays with him they tend to kick balls or do things like that, but he's fine when he wants to do something that isn't considered as boyish.
I wouldn't say I am disappointed we are having a boy, but it took me some adjustment just because I always assumed I would have a girl (we plan on just one) and girls tend to run in my family. But now that I've readjusted I couldn't imagine not having my boy. But when I first found out I was almost confused lol
The whole family was hoping for a girl this time but it's another boy. My husband is actually more upset than I am. I really wanted a girl but I guess I am destined to always be a boy mom.
I wouldn't say I am disappointed... just shocked. Still adjusting to the idea of having a son. I have no clue where to even start with names, because I wasn't even remotely expecting it. Girls run in DHs family.
I will admit, there have been times before the anatomy scan that I referred to the baby as "she" or used other female pronouns. I imagined getting out DDs clothes and washing them to re-use with this baby, so my ideas and plans have to change.
I'm thrilled that DH is getting the boy he always wanted, but now I'm stressing how we are going to arrange the nursery and update it's design since DD and LO will be sharing a room - at least for a while.
Mom's who have experienced disappointment and then come our of it, how long did it take you? It's only been two days, and I'm feeling slightly better today than the days before, but I'm just curious to hear personal experiences. I would so love to embrace this prior to baby's arrival. I know that I will eat her up once she's here, but I would love to have that excited feeling back during the pregnancy if I can:)
@MississippiCatfish I'd say it took me a week or two, what really helped was picking a name and using it often, using pronouns as much as possible, and really just getting used to the idea of it being a "him" I had myself so convinced it was a girl that I needed to bond with him as a boy. He almost felt like a stranger. I bought a few items of clothing, that helped too.
Ooo @MississippiCatfish go baby girl clothes shopping! The stuff is all so cute maybe it'll help! And she'll be a little mini me to get your nails done with and help with prom and a wedding! Or she'll be a super tomboy with her three big brothers and he so cute! Or both! I hope im helping. But also i hope you take your time with getting used to it all
@MississippiCatfish Mine wasn't so much disappointment as fear of the unknown. It took me a little while but once I started the nursery and bought a couple of cute dresses I got right on over it.
@MississippiCatfish I am not sure if I would say I was disappointed or confused...but either way it took me maybe a week or so to come around. I did what @DuchessOfCambridge suggested and went baby boy clothes shopping for a few little things with DH, that got me excited. We also settled on a name pretty quickly which helped me "bond" I guess. I just never expected to have a boy so it was more of a shock I guess.
We just found out we are having a girl. I think I am in a little bit if a dazed state. I really wanted a boy, but at this point I just want a healthy baby. We got some not great, but not super alarming news (post in PGAL) during our anatomy scan and it's a waiting game.
We did a little gender reveal with cupcakes and I think our parents were more excited than us. I know we will love our baby and get excited with time, but still letting it sink in.
@MississippiCatfish took me a week or two. I use male pronouns and got boy clothes which helped but what helped the most was having my friend bring over her infant son. Im surrounded my toddler girls all the time and theyre just so cute, but being near a baby boy just made me remember that i love boys too.
I found out I am having my 3rd boy and this is my last baby so no chance of ever getting my baby girl. To say I'm disappoint is the biggest understatement of all time. I'm a huge girly girl and just wanted to have someone that I could share the things I love with-getting hair done, nails done, going shopping etc... and all I can think of are these major events in a girls life that I will never get to experience like helping her get ready for prom or helping her prepare for her wedding or getting to be in the room when she has her babies. I'm crying just typing this. Then I look on the internet for some kind of article to make me feel better and I come across a saying that I've never heard before and crushes me completely "a son is your son until he finds his wife but a daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life" which I'm finding to ring true because I have three brothers and a sister. My brothers all have kind of drifted away since finding their SO and my sister and I are still so close with my mom regardless. I love my boys to death but I'm just not a trucks and mud and bugs and superheroes type of person. I just wanted to buy baby dolls and dress up clothes for someone. Now part of me wants to try one more time but I've always said I would never have more than 3 and I don't think my SO wants anymore and part of me thinks I would be the one who ends up with a fourth boy. I've miscarried once and part of me thinks that was my girl and I lost her. Some days I'm fine but some days I'm very emotional still but I know I'll get through it. Sometimes my SO almost makes me feel crappy about being so upset to so then I feel like a bad mom on top of it all. Hopefully time will help. I know once this baby boy is in my arms it won't matter anymore but until then it's going to be hard to be excited. I don't even get to shop for new baby stuff because I already have everything. Ugh no matter what I do I can't be positive some days. End rant I guess
@MamaMJ2 don't let anyone make you feel bad. Most of how I feel on this subject has already been said before. You had dreams of having a girl, doesn't mean you won't be happy being a mom of boys. My aunt has 2 boys, always wanted a girl to do nails with so she would end up "stealing" her son's girlfriends and going to get their nails done. My aunt was a tomboy and pageant contestant growing up so she was just fine being a boy mom. I'm happy to be having a boy but seeing the girl clothes makes me sad and the Tula I wanted is super girly. I'll get used to having a boy, I do have a DD, it's just all different.
@MamaMJ2 Hugs. There is so little that you can do to control these initial, gut reaction feelings. And SO much guilt associated with these feelings. I'm so sorry for your loss through miscarriage, and the loss of the dream of having a little girl, what your family would look like with her, and the kind of mom you would be if you had her. For myself, I feel like having children of a different gender than expected and hoped for is going to force me into a different life than I wanted, and becoming a different kind of mom than I wanted to be. I feel like who *I AM* changed in an instant, in a way I didn't want, without my permission. All of the sudden this new bucket of expectations is upon me, and I still don't want to meet them. Like you said, eventually it will all be okay, but I'm hoping that it's sooner than later for you (and me).
@MamaMJ2 I don't know if this helps but my neighbor had 4 boys, waited 5 years, tried for a girl and got a 5th boy. I remember her crying. Now 4 of the 5 are married and the last one is in high school. She has awesome DIL (her words) and more grand daughters than sons! So she eventually got her girls!
Re: Gender Dissappointment
As for being afraid of your relationship with your daughter because of how your relationship with your mom - I just want to say this. I am someone who has not had a great relationship with my mom but through that experience I've concentrated on what did not work and how to not do that to my child. I've taken it as a life lesson and I strongly believe I am not my mom and neither my daughter will be me. It's ours to mold into what we believe is the right thing. That fact that you think about it already shows how much you value and care for this relationship to be right.
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
1st BFP: Aug. 18, 2014 - MC: Sept. 30, 2014
2nd BFP: July 4, 2015 - MC: Aug. 18, 2015
3rd BFP: March 7, 2016 - MC: April 6, 2016
4th BFP: October 6, 2016 - MC: Nov. 24, 2016
5th BFP: March 2, 2017 - EDD Nov. 10, 2017
I say this this because I felt a LOT of guilt about feeling disappointed, and to let those in the thick of those really tough emotions know that it will pass.
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
I really appreciate that we have this place to discuss it, even though I know that there are a lot of women who don't understand. I'm shocked at how sad I am that I will never have another little boy. I never would have known that I would feel this way, and I only have one IRL friend that I think I can talk to about it. So like @MaximumEffort said, I'm really glad that our BMB has been supportive of the thread and those who don't feel the same way simply respect the difference. That's what I love about this BMB in general:)
I think part of my problem is that it took so long and so much effort to get our two boys. 12 months for DS1 and 16 months for DS2, charting, temping, timing, peeing on OV sticks and all the rest. With this one it was an accident. We had just decided that we wanted a third, then 4 days later I found out I was already 6 weeks pregnant. To say it was a shock would be an understatement. Then to add on top that to find out at 10 weeks that it is a girl, when I really hadn't even processed that I was actually pregnant I think is just a little much for me emotionally.
It helped to celebrate the things that come along with having a boy. I look forwarf to raising a son who respects women and understands the word no, even when its not spoken. I am excited to put my little boy in his first fancy suit and buy him his traditional outfit for dance (which just wont be a skirt anymore)
Im not saying that 100 percent my daughter would have done all those things or my son will do all these things, but just that dissapointment isnt the right word for how i felt about it. Even mourn is a strong word for it.
But then to be shamed and guilted on top of it when im ALREADY feeling guilty for not just being happy for this wonderful healthy child i have the pleasure of carrying... the feelings were just so complex.
Anyways i guess what im trying to say is that all of your feelings are VALID. and we should be building eachother up not knocking eachother down.
Sorry if anyrhing o said here offended or hurt anybodys feelings
I think part if us staying team green is to not set up any kind of want or expectation that can open doors to disappointment around the baby .
So for me I totally understand how some people might not react even how they expected to and also how you can't control this . And it's perfectly OK to feel these things and it never lessens the love you have or deminishes the parent you'll be to them .
It's nice to have somewhere open to these feelings
I will admit, there have been times before the anatomy scan that I referred to the baby as "she" or used other female pronouns. I imagined getting out DDs clothes and washing them to re-use with this baby, so my ideas and plans have to change.
I'm thrilled that DH is getting the boy he always wanted, but now I'm stressing how we are going to arrange the nursery and update it's design since DD and LO will be sharing a room - at least for a while.
We did a little gender reveal with cupcakes and I think our parents were more excited than us. I know we will love our baby and get excited with time, but still letting it sink in.
I'm happy to be having a boy but seeing the girl clothes makes me sad and the Tula I wanted is super girly. I'll get used to having a boy, I do have a DD, it's just all different.