TTCAL Week of 6/12

hdaley · June 2017

Just got the wind knocked out of me. Tears are streaming. CD1 and what came in the mail? A big box from Similac with formula samples. I never have used formula nor did I sign up for anything with my miscarriage. What a way to knock you down. Not only am I still not knocked up but I won't be having a baby in a month. Thanks Similac.... go f*ck off.

Mack2342 · June 2017

@hdaley that sucks! You probably got signed up with a doctors appointment unknowingly. It's horrible. That happened to me to

baileym9126 · June 2017

1. Introduce yourself (if new).
I'm 26 and DH is 28. We have a big lap dog (German shepherd x). I was diagnosed with PCOS last year and had been TTC for 18 months this last time. I just went through my second miscarriage at 10+2. The baby had stopped growing and the heartbeat had stopped also. This is the same thing that happened with my last miscarriage in 2015 (at 10 weeks). I did pass the baby naturally. I was given misoprostol, but nature took its course before I could take it.
2. Status?
Benched for now. I want to wait to see if my RE can do more testing on me and DH before trying again.
3. R/R?
I'm also sick of hearing "god has a plan", "everything happens for a reason", or "at least you can get pregnant". If one more person tells me this, I might just snap. I know they are trying to be supportive, but I'd rather they just say sorry for your loss and leave it at that.
4. GTKY: What's your favorite crafty thing to do (if any)?
I love to bake. DH loves to eat the baking! I also like to write in my spare time.

baileym9126 · June 2017

@hdaley I'm so sorry that happened to you!

zamoraspin · June 2017

@ChloandCoco My rational brain knows that it is crazy to think there was any chance at all. Realistically we had two u/s five days apart showing the same thing, a small empty sac (measuring so far behind my first BFP would have had to happen before the egg was fertilized for my dates to be that wrong), and in between I started bleeding and cramping. The doctor told me it was inevitable and it was a matter of when. The nurse reiterated on the phone the same thing when I said I was worried that I had made a wrong choice, that the doctor was confident this was an abnormal pregnancy. When I told MH what was in my head he was like, sweets, it was medically impossible that the baby was going to be ok and the doctor would not have given you the prescription if he thought there was any chance. It just really threw me for a loop. For one thing my pregnancy symptoms started disappearing two days before that test so it's crazy to me that they were higher than when I felt pregnant. I have a follow-up in two weeks to test my levels and make sure my uterus is empty (I'm pretty confident the sac and placenta came out already).

I'm glad you're doing better. My freak out aside, it is relieving to have the physical part be done.

Chawk17 · June 2017

Last day of school for me! We get out at 12..but room check out is 2. So glad to be over this year.

zamoraspin · June 2017

@baileym9126 I'm so sorry for your losses. My assistant said to me the other day, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what else to say" and I was like, that is a perfect thing to say honestly. I hope you are able to get some answers from your RE.

@Chawk17 That is awesome that school is out today!

@hdaley I'm sorry you got that in the mail. I wish there was an unsubscribe button for all baby things.

baileym9126 · June 2017

@zamora_spin
That really is the perfect thing to say! I'm sorry for your loss as well and that you're second guessing. I'm glad your husband was able to reassure you. I know all to well the pain and confusion that comes after a loss and wouldn't know what to think either if I were given that information. My mother had actually tried telling me that I shouldn't take the pill (which I didn't because it happened naturally before I could) because she thought it was "strange" and basically told me that the doctor was wrong. I had to remind her that there was no heart beat and the baby stopped growing at 7+4. Her remark was "well I guess the doctors would know." At least my DH has been amazing through all of this as well as the rest of my family.

justsuzie · June 2017

@hdaley So sorry for that. It sucks when we think we are fine and then something stupid happens.

@Chawk17 Hooray! I still have 3 more days, Boo.

@BaileyM321 I agree with your entire rant. My therapist told me today, "don't you wish there was a polite way to say shut the f$ck up."

justsuzie · June 2017

@dpjennifer how did therapy and meds go for you? Feel free to PM me if it's too personal to share on the thread. I only had my second apt today and we are making baby steps. Pretty much I have been a nervous person my entire life and adding trauma to anxiety never has a good outcome.

@hdaley Thank you for sharing and understanding. I am so sorry about what happened to you. Really. I also thought PTSD was just for major traumatic events. My therapist is trying to convince me that losing my pregnancies are traumatic events. I am starting to accept that.

@SP128 thank you. For some reason I feel especially connected to you and your-mine-our stories because we wound up here at pretty much the same time, and it means a lot when you comment and send kind thoughts. thank you again.

@MooFish2364 My BF contacted me today through email and said that she wants to see me and would leave the baby with her husband. I still need a bit more time though. It's funny how our dogs are like our family huh?!

@rklinge0 I've got a list of excuses stored up right now. It's sad but it's a coping mechanism.

Again, thank you all for being so kind and understanding.

baileym9126 · June 2017

@justsuzie
I'm sorry for everything that you have been going through, but I'm glad you're doing better with meds. And I'm sure your BF will understand. My BF had her baby a week after I had my first miscarriage and I wasn't able to visit her or her baby for two months. She completely understood when I told her this and was more upset that she couldn't be there for me when I needed her.

justsuzie · June 2017

@baileym9126 That is really reassuring. How did you finally know you were ready?

baileym9126 · June 2017

@justsuzie I think there just came a point when I missed her. I was still apprehensive about meeting her little boy, but it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. I think that had something to do with the fact that I consider him to be my nephew and saw him differently than I did other babies because I had a connection to him. I still have a very hard time seeing newborns that don't belong to family or someone I consider family. I'm the crazy person who wants nothing to do with holding other people's kids at baby showers.

SP128 · June 2017

@justsuzie hugs girl. Im glad to hear that therapy is going well. Pregnancy loss is traumatic. Some may not agree and for some who have lost it isn't. However, it is dependent on the individual. I moonlight as a therapist after school

has as summer vacation started for you yet? I go until the 26th. Is switching jobs next year still in the plans ?

justsuzie · June 2017

@SP128 I am done Wednesday. And yep, switching jobs next year. That will keep me busy for sure. Pink hair on Sunday. So pretty much getting ready for summer. You got out today right?

vlagrl29 · June 2017

@justsuzie I went thru a traumatic time 10 years ago and my mom said anything can trigger the stress. That's what happened to me last TWW - it seriously came out of nowhere and I worked myself up so much.

During that crazy time years ago I was on Ativan and 2 years of therapy. Therapy was a godsend. Anxiety came back during my first pregnancy and they put me on Zoloft.

justsuzie · June 2017

@vlagrl29 I am worried about what will happen when I get pg again and if that will be a trigger but I am not supposed to be thinking too far into the future. Easier said than done. My general dr said clonazepam is best for me in case I do get pg again it has a short half life and can be taken in small doses during high anxiety during pg. He refuses to put me on anything like zoloft for some reason because of the effects with pg. I am so unknowledgable when it comes to all of this and I also feel like every dr has a different opinion. It's all very confusing but I am going to wean off the clonazepam next week and see what happens.

SP128 · June 2017

@justsuzie I wish I was out. Kids' last day is the 23rd. Staff last day is the 26th. Pink hair like in your profile pic? I like it already if so

justsuzie · June 2017

@SP128 you win for latest last day! What a shitty thing to win.

Chawk17 · June 2017

No kidding @sp128 @justsuzie I thought the 16th was late. You win with the 26!
@justsuzie what job are you switching to, are you leaving teaching?

vlagrl29 · June 2017

That's weird @justsuzie I was put on Zoloft when pregnant with DD because OB said it was the only safe one at the time.

i do know Ativan and Xanax are no for pregnancy, never been on klonopin. The thing I like about Zoloft is it prevents the anxiety or panic attack from happening. You take it every day. Ativan and drugs like it are taken as needed so essentially you are letting the attack start before treating it. If that makes sense.

ive been working on not worrying about the future - we can't control certain things in life but staying in the present moment really helps

justsuzie · June 2017

@vlagrl29 Zoloft didn't help my anxiety. Clonazepan (klonopin) is still a benzo so not good in high doses but I am on .25 with is so low and the half life is so short that it's out of the system in 48 hours. I think I may mentally fee lbeter having a prescription and know that it;s available. And because I am on such a low dose it's not as hard to discontinue use. I've done sooooo much research on SRBI inhibitors and benzos and I find contradictory research. It's frustrating.

justsuzie · June 2017

@Chawk17 I am switching to 5-6th grade art. New beautiful building. Finally getting out of the basement. I feel like the sunshine alone is going to make all of the difference.

vlagrl29 · June 2017

Well you gotta take what works for you @justsuzie and having a script handy does give peace of mind.

Chawk17 · June 2017

@justsuzie that sounds awesome. And 5-6 art is going to be fun. No testing, only one subject nice!
Now is this still elementary? Our elementary is K-6...
What'd you teach before?

weareturtles · June 2017

vlagrl29 said:

ive been working on not worrying about the future - we can't control certain things in life but staying in the present moment really helps

True. I try to work on this every day. Some days it's harder than others.

@justsuzie -

You are definitely missed around here, but it is a priority to take care of yourself. I know I empathize with your feelings and emotions, especially with friends who have kids now. My due date flew by and all the folks who were due around that time have their kids and for the longest time I felt bitter and angry. I'm still not completely at peace with things, but I do feel better. My giant rollercoaster of an experience over the past year has been rough and my OB could see that I was breaking. She offered a referral for counseling to talk to someone other than my husband and parents (and you all) about it and I am taking her up on it. I don't feel like I have an overt "need" to talk, but the fact that whenever the topic comes up, I cannot talk about things without crying tells me that I could benefit from some help. I hope that you are able to take care of yourself and get back to a good place. Good friends won't let things like this get in the way. Focus on you. We'll be here for you whenever you want to pop in and say hi. (Thanks for rooting for us, too!)

@hdaley - those damn samples/coupons showed up and have continued to be delivered every few months it seems. I just want to prepare you - there may be more! I don't know how my name/address got on their list but wow! I know how you feel. It was a huge punch to the gut to receive those.

vlagrl29 · June 2017

@weareturtles - yeah some days are harder for sure. I've recently felt at peace with everything. I noticed some ewcm on toilet paper today and normally I would make mental note to get on that today but I'm more of a meh to tired. It feels good to not give as much of a f@ck - at least in my situation.

justsuzie · June 2017

@weareturtles I also cannot not cry when talking about the losses. My therapist is great, like seriously the best. I am glad I decided to give it a chance. And, I am glad there is hope that I will be able to be around friend's kids again. I'm gonna take the summer to decompress. I have been thrifting and found some amazing finds. I am gonna have a little flea market stand this summer and sell my stuff and people watch and eat kettle corn.

justsuzie · June 2017

@Chawk17 5-6 is a different school. It's considered "upper elementary". I feel like it'll be a lot easier.

dpjennifer · June 2017

@justsuzie The therapy and meds have worked wonders! I worried about being on medication and needing it to run my life; however, I was just so depressed I didn’t want to get off the couch and found NO joy in the things I liked to do. So I take just a high enough dose that I can motivate myself to do things that I enjoy. It’s great! I feel so much better. Also, therapy… The first therapist I went to was NOT a good fit. It was an awful experience. I basically went to the place my OB referred me to, which seemed to be a place centered on court-ordered therapy for addiction, child behavioral things, and serious mental issues for people who couldn’t function with the ‘norm’ of society. The therapist had NO background or basis for depression based upon RPL at all. It was awful. So I did more searching and found a therapist who had more experience with my specific issues, and she has been fantastic! I was very worried about therapy and the meds, but had reached a point in my life where I knew I needed a change and to do SOMETHING because with RPL I just could NOT handle my life anymore. I felt like I was drowning.

I haven’t been particularly nervous in my life, but I’m a Type A, OCD, planner… which makes the unknown and uncontrollable not good for me. Please feel free to ask me anything else you want/need!

amberruka · June 2017

@justsuzie I'm just catching up here but I want to send good positive thoughts and big hugs your way. Always do what's best for you. By the way, clonazepam has an extremely long half life, up to around 30 hours I think, but that dose is incredibly low.

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