I don't really see the difference between an SUV and a minivan size wise. Minivans are easier for kids to get in and out of and parents / kids can open doors easier. It's like saying people should have coupes instead of sedans if only two people are in the car.
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
I don't really see the difference between an SUV and a minivan size wise. Minivans are easier for kids to get in and out of and parents / kids can open doors easier. It's like saying people should have coupes instead of sedans if only two people are in the car.
I agree. If we had suddenly found ourselves expecting two instead of one, I probably would've pushed for the minivan. Third row when you have to climb over or constantly move seats out of the way sounds absolutely exhausting during the car seat phase. I'm sure sliding doors are convenient, but with just two kids (including one who can open the door and get in on his own) I don't see why people feel so compelled to tell me I need the extra space of a minivan. Clearly I find this particular comment really irritating lol
I have a Ford Focus and while this LO is our first we're planning on 3, and even then I'm going to try and stay in my car as long as possible. DH is getting a Jeep most likely when we move back to the States so that will be our larger road trip vehicle for now. Thankfully our dogs are only 3 and 25 lbs too. I had a Newfoundland (150lbs) and drove him around in the back seat of my 2000 Ford Contour. Couldn't even see out the back window!
I don't know if this is an UO. BF bought Dude, You're Gonna be a Dad, and hates it. He said it's "written for Neanderthals" and is full of stereotypes.
I drive a minivan with 2 kids. I am short and always feel like I have a better vantage point driving a larger vehicle. We ended up getting a good deal on an older Honda Odessy when our Chrysler Pacifica was totaled. I would never go back now. Like @DuchessOfCambridge mentioned I don't have to worry about kids pinching fingers in doors and they can easily get in and out on their own. School drop off is also a breeze. I feel we balance the gas usage with DH's commuter car, an electric Ford Focus.
DD- 9
DS-6
c/p- April 2016
missed m/c- 6w5d; discovered 8w2d- September 2016
*Rant* I think people bringing up God when talking about someone's child (possibly) having a disability or during a miscarriage is wildly inappropriate, specifically when saying, "God won't give you more than you can handle" or "It's all in God's plan." Don't tell me it was all in God's plan for my nephew to be born with DS and need heart surgeries or for my baby to die. My BIL took it really hard when he heard that kind of stuff when his BFF was killed by a drunk driver who had been convicted 3 times before and it pushed him farther away from the church. It's horribly offensive and not comforting at all, especially if the person saying it has never gone through it. If you want to say something like, "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers" then fine. The same goes for "It'll make you a stronger person." I have gone through enough in my life that I don't need to hear that.
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
@NYTino24 I once said some similar things to a friend going through a miscarriage, and I'm forever grateful she was willing to stand up for herself and put me in my place. It actually began a huge spiral of "you're totally right, why would god plan for your baby to die?" My beliefs have changed so much since then.
If you've ever thought this, or worse, said this, I encourage you to really think about how it sounds to essentially say "my religion says you should be okay with your baby dying because it was part of some plan."
*Rant* I think people bringing up God when talking about someone's child (possibly) having a disability or during a miscarriage is wildly inappropriate, specifically when saying, "God won't give you more than you can handle" or "It's all in God's plan." Don't tell me it was all in God's plan for my nephew to be born with DS and need heart surgeries or for my baby to die. My BIL took it really hard when he heard that kind of stuff when his BFF was killed by a drunk driver who had been convicted 3 times before and it pushed him farther away from the church. It's horribly offensive and not comforting at all, especially if the person saying it has never gone through it. If you want to say something like, "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers" then fine. The same goes for "It'll make you a stronger person." I have gone through enough in my life that I don't need to hear that.
So much this. I'm not a believer, but I'm not offended by "I'll keep you in my prayers." That just translates to they're thinking of me. But what arrogance to think they know god's plan, and that it involves terrible tragedy.
@bklynchica@ArtificialRed Sometimes people don't know what to say, and sometimes that's exactly what to say. "I don't know what say, but I care about you and I'm here if you ever want to talk." Even saying, "I'm sorry" sometimes makes the person shift their feelings to guilt for making the other person sad. All of this is why some people just don't talk about losses.
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
@NYTino24 I've been thinking about this a lot today. My sister was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 at birth and lived for 5 days. I was 9. It was devastating for our entire family. I'm not the most religious person but hearing that there's a plan out there that meant she had to die just doesn't sit well with me. I don't get how it's comforting. My mom would tell me that people meant well but may not understand what it might mean to a person even if it comforts them in their time of need. I believe in times of struggle we can rely on God to get us through the tough times but in no way is there a plan.
*TW* Such statements are incredibly offensive. Any version of "God had a plan" or "God doesn't make mistakes" was like a knife through the heart when I was going through my two MCs. You have faith and think God is totes Ok with your baby dying? Keep that crap to yourself. It only applies if YOU are going through something because it's YOUR belief, not mine. Don't try to "comfort" others by telling them God meant for their baby to die and that God didn't want them to be a mother, which is exactly what many women hear when someone says "it was God's will". So, so incredibly hurtful and offensive. My heart breaks for the women getting those responses on this board. What is so bad about saying "I'm so sorry for your loss/diagnosis. I'm here if you need someone to listen."?
I guess my UO is that I think that passive aggressive comments that are about someone's posts are immature. Yes, I do think God has a plan for all of us. And I have only (and would only) mentioned God when an OP has mentioned their faith in God first.
*TW* Through our many difficulties, trouble getting pregnant, miscarriages, pre-term labor, almost losing one of our babies to complications, etc, the only thing that continues to help us get through it is our faith in God and his plan. */TW*
Again, I would never bring it up unless the OP did, but there's no shame in supporting someone of faith with words of faith.
I have one. I hate it when people use an arbitrary number to exaggerate a point. "I have 123,456 things to do to do" or "Question #5678 from my toddler this morning." I don't know why I hate it, but I do. Just say "I have a lot to do" or "my toddler talks a lot."
I don't know why but this really annoys me as well!
Like @cmessaore I would never say anything relating to God to someone who wasn't religious/hadn't made it clear to me they were.
That being said, for those of us who are, there is great comfort in hearing these words. Loss of all kinds is awful and unfortunately a part of life. However, my religion believes that God wants these babies in Heaven earlier. To me, the only thing that would help would be knowing my baby was safe in Heaven with God and He took it from me to bring it to a better place. However, I understand this is only comforting to me and I would never hoist this view on someone else without knowing their feelings.
@DuchessofCambridge and @cmessamore I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't find comfort in religion. Everyone should do what works for them. But this isn't just a "nonreligious" vs "religious" issue. In my time on the loss boards, I've seen so many women of faith completely rattled and gutted by these words - that the God they loved and thought loved them would be so cruel as to kill their babies or think they don't deserve to be a mother. I've seen this idea push people farther away from their faith, and make them feel even more isolated. As a nonreligious person, it just pushes me farther away, but it doesn't challenge my core beliefs in life. But for a religious person, saying "it's God's will" can cause a serious crisis of faith and be even more hurtful, precisely because religion is integral to their personal values and sense of self. It's not just nonreligious people who don't like these phrases. This is just from my experience on the loss boards here, but as you can see above, so many women are incredibly hurt by this phrase in particular. I'm not trying to say no one else should find comfort in those words - I'm just trying to say you can't assume anyone else (of faith or not) will be likewise comforted. Pregnancy, loss, IF, etc. are such intensely personal experiences. Extrapolating and assuming that your experiences should reflect another person's experience just makes it easy to really hurt or offend someone. If you want to say "it's God's plan", please just be really really sure someone else shares that same outlook.
@RiverSong15 I totally understand where you're coming from. Like I said, I would never say these things to someone unless they made it very clear THEY though it was Gods plan etc. Its very presumptuous to say something like that to someone who has given you no indication they feel that way even if they have mentioned religion. For example, OP of Trisomy thread made it quite clear her faith is important to her and she believes in Gods plan, so I think it was appropriate. I wasn't more trying to share why someone else might think it was a comforting thing to say, but I'm not saying that makes it right. I'm very much all for being tolerant and sensitive to others beliefs.
@cmessamore I didn't tag you or anyone else because I wasn't making it personal.
I put it in UO because I have heard it several times myself, including this week when people found out I was pregnant again. It is my personal reaction to hearing the words and not me judging someone for using them to attempt to comfort someone else. It negates the life of my child when I'm told that one had to go for this one to come. Having a rainbow baby on the way does not take away my pain of having lost a child. Telling me it was part of a plan does not help. It may help others.
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
@DuchessofCambridge I wasn't trying to make it personal either, and no particular thread other than this one made me think of it, and I'm not sure what was said in the trisomy thread. So, I apologize if my post came across that way or offended anyone. It wasn't directed at any one person or thread.
@RiverSong15 no worries I didn't take it personally, I didn't say anything along the lines of Gods plan on The Bump that I can remember. Just kind of trying to explain why I find comfort and why other people may too. But agree it is not ok to say to someone who hasn't made it clear they think it's Gods plan.
To me there is a huge difference between saying "this is part of God's plan," and "God has a plan for you." The first implies that God intended the loss to happen, which can be confusing and hurtful. The second implies hope for the future, which I find comforting. With that said, i do agree that it's important to know the beliefs of the person you are trying to comfort before saying either.
I fully agree. God has a plan for you indicated a hopeful future. As a Christian who has suffered two losses, I was appreciate of those helpful words when they were said to me. My faith helped me to survive those tough times. As a non religious person, I don't think it's up to you to decide what a religious person may want to hear. Yes, we should be sensitive to all and think carefully about what we say, but if kind words are being said out of love...
P.s - no onw ever told me "this is Gods plan." They said "we have no idea why this happened, but let's pray about it. God loves you and has a good plan for you." I agree, saying that t was Gods plan for someone to have a MC would be hurtful.
Re: UO Thursday 5/4
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
TTC since August 2018
DD- 9
DS-6
c/p- April 2016
missed m/c- 6w5d; discovered 8w2d- September 2016
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
If you've ever thought this, or worse, said this, I encourage you to really think about how it sounds to essentially say "my religion says you should be okay with your baby dying because it was part of some plan."
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
*TW*
Such statements are incredibly offensive. Any version of "God had a plan" or "God doesn't make mistakes" was like a knife through the heart when I was going through my two MCs. You have faith and think God is totes Ok with your baby dying? Keep that crap to yourself. It only applies if YOU are going through something because it's YOUR belief, not mine. Don't try to "comfort" others by telling them God meant for their baby to die and that God didn't want them to be a mother, which is exactly what many women hear when someone says "it was God's will". So, so incredibly hurtful and offensive. My heart breaks for the women getting those responses on this board. What is so bad about saying "I'm so sorry for your loss/diagnosis. I'm here if you need someone to listen."?
*TW* Through our many difficulties, trouble getting pregnant, miscarriages, pre-term labor, almost losing one of our babies to complications, etc, the only thing that continues to help us get through it is our faith in God and his plan. */TW*
Again, I would never bring it up unless the OP did, but there's no shame in supporting someone of faith with words of faith.
That being said, for those of us who are, there is great comfort in hearing these words. Loss of all kinds is awful and unfortunately a part of life. However, my religion believes that God wants these babies in Heaven earlier. To me, the only thing that would help would be knowing my baby was safe in Heaven with God and He took it from me to bring it to a better place. However, I understand this is only comforting to me and I would never hoist this view on someone else without knowing their feelings.
Edit: for clarity. It's been a long week.
I put it in UO because I have heard it several times myself, including this week when people found out I was pregnant again. It is my personal reaction to hearing the words and not me judging someone for using them to attempt to comfort someone else. It negates the life of my child when I'm told that one had to go for this one to come. Having a rainbow baby on the way does not take away my pain of having lost a child. Telling me it was part of a plan does not help. It may help others.
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility