Toddler Tantrums

SierraGood · May 2017

Ok mommies I'm in need of some help my 18 month old is starting to really lash out (we're moving to the UK and packers have just starting coming into the house) when she gets upset she will hit and kick today she head butted me in my stomach and kicked me so hard it split my lip. I try to refrain from physical punishment but time outs aren't working anymore (she just laughs) I understand we are undergoing a big change with me being pregnant and uprooting our whole lives but I need this behavior to stop!!!! Any tips on what I can do??.

PoeMasque · May 2017

Behavior like this in a child usually means they feel afraid and need you to help them process their feelings. I'm not completely sold on the method, but you could try the happiest toddler on the block video. It suggests mirroring your child's tantrum (a form of recognizing their feelings, but in a manner they understand), then giving them instruction.

You can also try the website https://attachmentparenting.org/

usually kiddos are responding to our inconsistent messages....or lack of messages at all. Limit setting actually makes them feel safe.

SierraGood · May 2017

Thank you @PoeMasque I will look into that website. I think a big issue here is when she acts out with my mom, everyone laughs so now she thinks it's ok....

ngarciabyu · May 2017

I may be way off compared to how most people parent, but honestly toddler tantrums are par for the course and a tantrum does not equal a parenting fail. They are small little beings that don't have the capacity to properly articulate their thoughts and feelings. One of my sons behavioral therapists at the Kindering center in WA really helped me not over analyze. She said it's my job to be there to help them communicate, but also my job to let them feel the feels. If I don't let him work it out, he's going to need hand holding every time there is discomfort in his life. So if you want to throw a tantrum and head smack me, I will remove myself from you until you are ready to communicate rationally. I wouldn't punish for the tantrum itself though, would ignore it mostly (no I'm not saying I ignore my kid when he cries, I'm saying the biting, scratching, self-injurious tantrums that some toddlers are capable of throwing.). We have been through a lot of moves and changes through DS1s life, and he had some developmental and behavioral issues as well, but my best advice would be to just do your best to keep some parts of your day and routine as consistent as possible. Kiddos that age rely on their rituals and get out of sorts when they are interrupted. It's natural.

SierraGood · May 2017

Her schedule today was very disrupted due to people packing and she couldn't run around like normal plus it was too cold for her to be outside, usually when she hits and kicks I sit her down on the step and tell her "we need a break cause you aren't using nice touches" then once she is calm I go give her hugs and kisses and tell her If she's ready to play nicely we can go play together and let her off the step.... About two months ago she'd went from being a daycare kid to staying at home with me full time so she isn't getting all of the social interaction she is used to and I feel bad.

baevn · May 2017

Try naming her feelings for her. It really helped my toddler. Like "wow, you are really mad,frustrated etc." Give a big hug with lots of deep pressure it will help calm her and naming feelings helps them process and learn to identify their feels so that can graduate from the totally normal tantrums to just saying ugh!!! i am so mad at you right now!

readermom1 · May 2017

I second what @baevn said. When my daughter is done hitting etc. I sit down with her and say, "I see you're feeling mad/frustrated/sad. Can you use your words to tell me why?" Sometimes she can, and sometimes she can't, but I usually already know why she's upset. Then I say something like "I know it's hard when you can't play with the toy you want, but your brother is using it. What could you do to solve this problem?" She's slowly learning to think of a solution herself, but mostly I give her a couple of seconds to think about it and then I supply a solution like "can you ask your brother if you can have the toy when he's done?" I started this with each of my kids when they were about 18 months and it really cuts down on the number of problems in our house. I learned it when I was in college and working at the on campus child development center run by the early childhood education department. Sorry for the novel, but this technique really helps our kids.

SierraGood · May 2017

I don't Mind the novel at all I'm open to trying anything, growing up my family did a lot of yelling and spanking and I'm trying to get away from that because now my sisters only know how to yell and hit each other when they have a disagreement... These outburst are very unlike her so it makes me feel like I'm missing something...

dkizz82 · May 2017

I think toddlers get very frustrated and aren't able to express their feelings. When mine does this, I just put her in the middle of the room and let her pitch her fit. She is safe and she is releasing her emotions. I used to get upset but I try to remain calm and not show my emotions. We talk about it when it's over and I hug her and tell her I love her. She's 21 months old and can be very challenging. I love what some of the others have said about using their words but my DD doesn't talk yet.

Good luck. I know being pregnant had my temper a lot shorter too. Momming is hard.

missbmama · May 2017

Naming emotions and showing them that you accept their emotions was a big help with mine. BUT when it comes to physical outbursts that does harm to another person I have used firm reprimand, usually a quick butt tap or a hand tap and a strong no. Followed by sitting in a time out until calm. Afterward I would reiterate why I spanked them. That it was ok for them to feel angry and frustrated but hurting another person was not ok and they had to be disciplined for that reason. My oldest didn't speak until well after 2 but he caught onto the point super quick. I honestly never have an issue with him throwing physical tantrums anymore. He also has become very verbal with his feelings and let's me know through words when he's angry/hurt/sad etc. I know it's not the cultural norm to spank kids anymore but I feel that if you follow through with explanation and couple physical discipline with communication it can be a great tool. Just my experience!

PoeMasque · May 2017

I would, again, urge you to seek out information that is evidence-based (like the attachment parenting website and/or the Harvey Karp books/videos. Better yet, the book Raising a secure child). Sometimes we do things that seem to work (like leaving kiddos alone to stew in their tantrum), but the message is actually: when you feel angry, afraid, or overwhelmed, I cannot be there for you, you have to figure it out alone.

its awesome that you don't want to continue the legacy of yelling and hitting. It's so hard, as a parent (I grew up in a house like that too), to change that pattern, especially when you are stressed and upset yourself. So good job for making that effort

you could also try a daily sensory routine, special time with just the two of you. That small amount of extra time can make a world of difference in overall behavior!

ohmickey331 · May 2017

If this picture tells you how my day is going... my normally sweet little dude has been giving me such a rough time lately. Hitting, biting, and just not listening. We don't spank but I do try time outs which he tries to escape from. I know I need to work on being more strict but it's a learning curve for me and admit it's just as much my fault as it is his for not listening.

baevn · May 2017

Ya try the book Displine Without Damage Vanessa Lapointe

lablover920 · May 2017

We have been having alllllll the tantrums. DD is 16 months and acts like she's in her terrible two stage.

I just don't even acknowledge the tantrums. When she is done I calmly ask her what she needs/wants and help her come to a solution. When I used to try and intervene during a tantrum it made things ten times worse!

SierraGood · May 2017

DD is my first so I know I have a lot of learning to do thank you all for the support and ideas, I know we will get through this were just gotta learn what works best for us... This morning had no tantrums we walked around outside for a bit. I want to give her the space to explore her world but also raise a well rounded kiddo.

dkizz82 · May 2017

@SierraGood we are all just trying to make it. No one here has all the answers. We do what works until it doesn't and keep trying. Having kids is hard and we're all learning.

dkizz82 · May 2017

@lablover920 yes! Now mine doesn't do the hitting and stuff but she throws herself out of the floor if she doesn't get her way. Intervening would make it soooo much worse. That's why I put her down and let her do her thing. It never lasts long at all and she's back to being happy and playing again in just a few mins.

lablover920 · May 2017

dkizz82 said:

@SierraGood we are all just trying to make it. No one here has all the answers. We do what works until it doesn't and keep trying. Having kids is hard and we're all learning.

^ YES! No right or wrong...just keep trying!

Jellybelly119 · May 2017

PoeMasque said:

I would, again, urge you to seek out information that is evidence-based (like the attachment parenting website and/or the Harvey Karp books/videos. Better yet, the book Raising a secure child). Sometimes we do things that seem to work (like leaving kiddos alone to stew in their tantrum), but the message is actually: when you feel angry, afraid, or overwhelmed, I cannot be there for you, you have to figure it out alone.

its awesome that you don't want to continue the legacy of yelling and hitting. It's so hard, as a parent (I grew up in a house like that too), to change that pattern, especially when you are stressed and upset yourself. So good job for making that effort

you could also try a daily sensory routine, special time with just the two of you. That small amount of extra time can make a world of difference in overall behavior!

This entire post is judgey AF.

Jellybelly119 · May 2017

FWIW, I do agree with the recommendation of the Happiest Toddler on the Block. I've had pretty good success with some of his methods from the book, especially the tips to avoid using too many words and explanations when trying to calm your toddler. I do also use 90 second timeouts for DS when he does something that I won't tolerate or is dangerous, such as hitting the dogs with his toys.

PoeMasque · May 2017

@Jellybelly119 im sorry you took my post that way. This happens to be an area where I have a fair amount of education (evidence-based parenting education is part of what I do for a living). My intention was to inform. I realize parenting styles/methods are about as personal as you can get, so it's always hard to discuss this subject without strong feelings getting involved, but I would rather get information out there than sit here and keep all the goodies to myself.

Another great online resource is triple p parenting. It's a series of online courses. I think you have to pay for each one (although I think it's free through some insurance providers).

angetralala · May 2017

I didn't take @PoeMasque post as judgey. The OP asked for advice not just empathy, and yes it's difficult to convey that without feelings getting involved.

ngarciabyu · May 2017

I found what @PoeMasque to be judgey for two reasons. She had already come out and offered her advice and support on the subject to the op, and I feel, after a few other posters put their input in of how they would/do handle that situation, she came back and reiterated her original views, as if my (our) views weren't clinically proven, therefore minimized. Second, I feel like she was passive-agressively saying that what 2-3 of us were suggesting were, per her books standards, emotionally harmful to the kids. Not saying I'm right here, but that was my take on it.

dkizz82 · May 2017

ngarciabyu said:

I found what @PoeMasque to be judgey for two reasons. She had already come out and offered her advice and support on the subject to the op, and I feel, after a few other posters put their input in of how they would/do handle that situation, she came back and reiterated her original views, as if my (our) views weren't clinically proven, therefore minimized. Second, I feel like she was passive-agressively saying that what 2-3 of us were suggesting were, per her books standards, emotionally harmful to the kids. Not saying I'm right here, but that was my take on it.

YES!!!!!!

baevn · May 2017

To each person their own parenting. @PoeMasque isn't being judgy she is talking about research based parenting ideas which often don't mesh with long held parenting tactics (spanking etc.) I get why you may feel judged because many of us have used these strategies and often they 'work' but the science researched part says at what cost.

Kids will work for attachment, that is their primary need. My parenting thinking did this huge 180 when I had my son who is autistic. I realized the tough love parenting strategies would NEVER work on him and only serve to harm our extremely special bond. Multiple professionals explained that his really strong attachment and openess with me was rare in a kid with ASD and it would be the key to helping him learn. Feeling secure, safe and loved in his realtionship with me has proven to be this invaluable stepping off point and his growth has been astronmical. I also knew that he wouldn't make the connection, from this behaviour is why I am being spanked or left alone. Every single behaviour that a child does serves a purpose. You have to look beneath to see what that is. Toddler tests limits it is their job, they try new things and assert independence. No we shouldn't let them do whatever or let them hurt people, safety is always the line but it is soo natural for them to do that. My focus is to say no, give a big hurt reaction and name his feelings and let him ride out the tantrum. Do big deep breaths to help him calm. When he is calm I hug him and say you were really mad! Because it is okay. It is so okay for him to be mad and his little brain isn't capable of holding two conflicting emotions yet. It literally can't think I am soo mad and I love mom and don't want to hurt her at the same time. Which is what ours do and we make the choice which thought prevails.

So what I am trying to say is that we are all parents trying to do our best we are doing things we grew up with. We think I was spanked and I am fine and that is true but there is so much potential for growth in not. I have to reiterate that attachment principles don't mean kids have no discipline or boundaries but it is about discpline with love and in a way that is focused on guiding a child through their emotions to help grow the parts of their brains which feel eventually lead them through that process on their own.

OP asked for advice so that is what she is getting, varied advice. That's good. And really book suggestions are very harmless and valuable. We should all read more books and diverse ones. The best way to make a really informed decision is to research and learn all you can then see where your gut actually takes you.

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