Silencing the annoying "parenting-is-hard" comments!

mountainlady · April 2017

I have just spent an hour trawling Google I search of an article I can use to passive-aggresively educate some family!

My family are visiting and keep telling me all the awful trials that lie in my parenting future... cue inconsolable screaming baby, gleeful "that'll be you soon!" Comments fly! You'll never sleep again! The diaper horrors you will witness!

I am a 34 year old woman who waited a LONG time for this pregnancy - I have had an active role in helping several close friends and family members with their babies. I KNOW I am on the precipice of a big life changing adventure - I don't have illusions it will all be sunshine and rainbows.

But for f#%ks sake I wish they'd quit gleefully "enlightening" me on all the tribulations to come. Let me enjoy this little moment of triumph.

If anyone can recommend a suitably scathing and hilarious blog or article I would be ever so grateful! Partly for me to read for fun, but partly for me to post innocently on my family fb page!

JWatt5 · April 2017

I don't have anything to read but I can relate hehe. I literally just got off the phone with my aunty - who also went through infertility, was the last to have kids & is the most resilient lady I know after a few weeks of the same thing.
But...the "Scary Mommy" articles can be pretty great sometimes. I enjoy reading them on Facebook.

Polythene Pam · April 2017

Nothing to add but can so relate! I have a 3 year old and the stuff I was told made me terrified. Like my first night home would be hell and my marriage was over and all the "just wait!" And now "you're in for it with 2!" Know what? It had its moments sure but seriously it's so so amazing

Took me awhile but I can successfully tune out all the annoying comments now haha (for the most part

ZoeFer · April 2017

I can totally relate to your feelings. Years ago when I was TTC, I said to a friend how I am looking forward to have my few months off to spend with my baby. She told me that it is harder to take care of a newborn than working , it is not something easy. `She had a baby, i did not and she knew how it was like.` But now my baby girl is 5 months old and those three months of maternity leave were the best time of my life. I wish it could have lasted forever. I definitely prefer to nurse her, nap with her, change the diapers, make silly faces with her to anything in this life. Maybe infertility makes us realize how valuable this time is.
I also recommend scary mommy, i like them.

wabash15 · April 2017

I don't have any resources but maybe when they make those comments you could reply with something like, "I know and I CAN'T WAIT!"

mountainlady · April 2017

I'll take a look at the scary mommy offering then!

Good advice @wabash15... definitely a more mature approach!

mrsjem77 · April 2017

I like to say, "I wonder how much the eight-and-a-half nightmarish years of infertility will change my perspective on the hardships of pregnancy."

kelrauh · April 2017

I have nothing on advice but can definately relate. Many people especially my brother on law have told us its a good thing our babies are in the nicu becauas parenting is hard and we don't have to wake up with them at night. With everything we have gone through we want to wake up with them. People are just ignorant.

nellin-2 · April 2017

@kelrauh ugh! Some people just don't think do they?!

LynnNJ · April 2017

After dealing with infertility and going through a very long process to finally have my baby this past January, I can say the annoying comments/advice are about them and not you. You are not oblivious to the fact that it's difficult. Everyone's experience is different. There were some things that surprised me about how I felt (emotionally) after coming home with a baby. (good and bad) We all get through it in our own way and have our stories to tell. Regarding the people I've talked to, that's what I think they were doing. They were laughing about their stressful times. When you are at that point, you can talk about, vent, or laugh about things that happened to you. Hopefully you'll have more sensitivity to others in your position because of your experience.

sasha29-2 · May 2017

I know those comments feel awful, but I try to remember that like 99.9% of the time, this stuff is not coming from a place of malice. If anything, it's like a sort of hazing, meant in fun, just a little tone deaf sometimes. Have you told them that their comments are hurtful, and do they know what you've been through? I mean, I try to let this stuff roll off my back and laugh about it (because let's face it, diaper blowouts are gonna be funny at some point), but if it's a bad timing thing or a comment that just cuts too deep, I'll usually say something like "yeah, you know, after everything we went through to get here, I hope I can just approach it all with humor when it comes." That shuts most people up pretty quickly.

oxinfree · May 2017

@sasha29-2 - I am SOOOOO using that line "yeah, you know, after everything we went through to get here, I hope I can just approach it all with humor when it comes." - so perfect, but not snarky in the least

sasha29-2 · May 2017

@oxinfree I mean, it's not perfect; I've had it open up conversations with nosy acquaintances that needed to be shut down in other ways ("you had trouble? What kind of trouble? How did you conceive? How long did it take you? Who had the problems, you or him? What's an IUI like?" Woman, you are 60 years old, you aren't having an IUI anytime soon, and I met you ten minutes ago, I am not explaining this process to you because if you're that curious, Google is a thing that exists!). But I mean, I really do try to remember that in general, people are happy for you when you're having a baby, and MOST people are not jerks, and in my experience, the "oh you just wait" kind of comments are often closely followed by "it's all worth it" or "it's still the best thing ever." And not gonna lie, the "you're ruining your life" comments (which I've gotten a few of, but DH gets more often, I guess because most people think it's always the mom who pushed for a baby at all costs, and they don't realize that in our situation that was actually an equal push or even somewhat revesed) don't get such a diplomatic reply. They usually get something along the lines of "wow, that sucks for you that you think your kids ruined your life."

oxinfree · May 2017

@sasha29-2 - yea, in my case we are 100% open about our journey and comfortable talking about it at this point (I have a youtube channel after all haha), so I actually welcome the follow up questions because it means they become more informed about what infertility is like. But you definitely have to be prepared for all that comes with it for sure, because ppl be nosy as heck

haha

peregrinefalconx · May 2017

It's annoying and honestly it doesn't stop. It seems to be people's way of (annoyingly) relating to you and remembering their past. My MIL, who stayed to help me for the 1st week (thanks for going back to work the day after the baby was born, Daddy!) could not stop saying, "Imagine if you had twins!" I mean, nonstop. I get annoyed by even the "wait until [insert some difficult period with child]"...and I really try to avoid that kind of stuff with others.

Wish I could even say I have a thick skin but I don't. It's a little thicker, I guess. Again, as a pp said, it's ribbing/hazing/now you are part of the club, so maybe try and look at it that way. It will probably be more positive for you in the long run.

khinca · May 2017

I really appreciate hearing everyone's comments on this issue! I have not told many people yet because we are early along, but I know we will run into similar comments from my husband's family members. I love the 'shutdown' ideas and also the idea of taking the high road, hopefully I can do some of both, thank you for sharing!

PoeMasque · May 2017

I work with new parents through my job. I literally go into their homes right after baby arrives (or more often right after they are discharged home from the NICU). This is our first baby, so I can only speak from what I've seen/heard from these parents who are literally in the thick of it. I can understand where some of these comments come from and I think it's good to recognize that the first three months are HARD, like you can't even prepare for it kind-of-hard, but! You survive, you may not sleep, but you do it, you keep a baby alive and somehow work out a routine. I love that I am prepared for the reality of being a new parent, but also terrified because I know that even with all of my knowledge it won't make those first months any easier!

I guess that was a super long way to say that I think those statements are really just people being honest, but I wish they would add a "but you're going to do it! You'll make it through and be an amazing parent" to the end of the "parenting is hard" statement.

nellin-2 · May 2017

Try not to let the advice stress you out. Take on board what you think might be useful and laugh off or thank and ignore the rest.
The other side of this is you hear people saying "why did nobody tell me how hard this would be?!"

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