National Infertility Awareness Week

[Deleted User] · April 2017

It's that time of year - April 23rd-29th is National Infertility Awareness Week.

Please use this thread however you would like! Share stories, turn this into a gif party, whatever.

Some ideas:

Non IF women -
* Feel free to ask for advice on how to support those living with IF
* Write a message to your IF friends letting them know how you feel for their struggle
*Share love tits, virtual hugs, gifs, etc.

IF women -
*Write a "Dear Fertile Women," letter letting women without IF know how you feel and what you want/need.
*Share your IF story.
*Share your "coming out" story (many women use this week to 'come out" as IF on social media or to friends/family
*Share gifs, love tits, virtual hugs, etc.

Sending you all lots of love, always but especially this week.

Image: https://lfaf.****/attachment/download/84

[Deleted User] · April 2017

Hi friends!

I'm Antoto. I was diagnosed with Non-Insulin Resistant PCOS. After three failed IUIs (this is where they use drugs to make you ovulate and then take a sample of your H's sperm and inject it up into your uterus), I am currently moving on to IVF (this is where they intentionally hyperstimulate your ovaries to get a bunch of eggs, remove the eggs through surgery, put it together with your H's sperm, and then put one or two of the resulting embryos back into your uterus).

My favorite things that my friends/family do to support me:
- If they are TTC they let me know first (ideally over text)! So I'm not surprised when they get their BFP
-The tell me about their BFP over text so that I can have an emotional reaction and I don't have to feel bad about it.
-They know that I am happy for them, but that I'm just sad for myself.
-They don't talk about their pregnancies/children/ttc ALL THE TIME.
-They evaluate my mood before they bring those topics up.
-They still invite me to baby showers and invite me over to see their kids. If they don't I feel really left out.
-They don't take it personally when I avoid them or don't want to talk about their kids/pregnancies. Again, they know I'm happy for them, just sad for me.
-They ask me about my appointments, but they don't push if I don't want to talk about it.

And finally,

Here are pictures of cats explaining life with infertility
https://www.buzzfeed.com/flopsie/infertility-explained-by-33-impossibly-adorable-ca-n33f?utm_term=.bj9rLq59E#.xaRVXK19O

LoveInDC · April 2017

I'll jump in because I think I have a unique story

I am a child of IF and fighting IF myself.

Two years after my sister was born in 1983, my parents started TTC again. Come to find out, my father had a hernia surgery in those 2 years that went amiss. They were facing MFI (near 0 counts). The mid-late 80s was the dawn of IVF, but with my father's counts so low, they couldn't use traditional IVF. ICSI was in development, but unsuccessful/unproven at that point. When it was finally ready for the public, my mother was officially AMA. They went through 3 rounds of IVF ICSI. On the third round, I stuck! The first successful IVF ICSI birth was in 1992, and I was born a mere 18 months later

Since puberty, I always faced struggles with my body. I had excess hair, out of control acne, and months between severe periods. When I was 16, I was finally put on birth control as a "solution" and all those troubles were swept under the rug. Now I'm TTC and those troubles are front and center. After advocating for myself and fighting for answers, those issues now have a name: Anovulation/NIR PCOS. I'm starting my IF journey with medicated cycles, but there are no guarantees. I just have to keep fighting. And even when I'm done, this is a health problem that will follow me the rest of my fertile years.

There is no one face for IF. There are couples like my parents who have one child no problem, but need so much help for the second. Couples who are fighting MFI. Couples who need the latest and greatest technology for even the hope of a child. There are couples like me and DH who are young and otherwise healthy. Couples who know there's something wrong even before the 12 month mark. Couples who are dying for their first child and have no idea how much time and money it's going to take to get there.

Thank you to all the IF-ers who are my new community and support system. Thanks to the IF grads who paved the way with their tears and determination so that us new-comers will have answers. Thank you non-IF women who show us love and compassion. This community is more than I could ever ask and hope for, and I'm grateful I get to share this journey with you.

AlohaKumu · April 2017

Aloha everyone,

For those who post only in the TWW and WTO threads, you've probably never seen me. Shortly after making an account on the Bump, we discovered my DH has a -0- sperm count. This condition is known as azoospermia, although this term is broad enough to mean anyone who has an abnormally low sperm count. Although we feel lucky that we found out so early in the process, it was a very upsetting and confusing time for us. A few months after receiving the news, we had a definitive diagnosis: AZFc chromosome microdeletion. There are three types of this microdeletion on the Y chromosome: a, b, and c. With the "a" and "b" types, there would be a 0-15% chance of finding any sperm being produced in the testicular tissues. With the "c" type, there is a 70-80% chance of finding sperm, so again, we count ourselves lucky. It was somewhat of a relief to know the root cause of the condition, but it made us realize that we would never have the opportunity to conceive "naturally" or with minimal intervention. Even just 10 years ago, most doctors would have told us that there was nothing that they could do. However, now we have the opportunity to do IVF with ICSI. It's a procedure where they extract the sperm from DH's tissues and inject them directly into my eggs after they stimulate my follicles to extract several mature eggs during a cycle. Although there is a chance that we will go to the facility for the double retrieval and they will discover that my husband doesn't have any sperm in his testicular tissue, our doctor is very optimistic.

Aside from this incredibly supportive community on the Bump, few people in know about our IF journey in real life. (Not even my parents know.) However, we have chosen to tell a few coworkers and close friends. Their support has been invaluable to us these past few months. I love when people are genuinely excited and happy when I share an update with them, but don't pry to deeply, since this knowledge is still very tender under the surface.

No matter where you are on your journey, if you ask someone if they have children and they say no, please don't bombard them with questions or explain in great detail how you are TTC. If we do share our IF struggle with you, please know that there will be times when we want to talk about it and times that we don't. If you do get a BFP, please be gentle in telling us. Some prefer to hear over text, since it will give us time to process our emotions in private. And complaining about any aspect of a pregnancy--whether it be that it was an accident or that you loathe your symptoms--will probably make us feel awful. Although I might decline an invitation to a baby shower, it doesn't mean I'm not happy for you; I just can't take a large group of women who probably have no idea what I'm going through or what to say to me. I'd love to do lunch with you in private. Also, most aphorisms that "it will happen when it's meant to happen" are meant with the best intentions, but for someone like me, it's not possible for it to just "happen." That reminder can be crushing.

Thank you for listening. There is so much silence and shame surrounding infertility, so having this community is a blessing.

Sincerely and with best wishes to all of you on this journey,

AlohaKumu

JuneRoseRuby · April 2017

Some of you may or may not have seen this on FB, so I thought I would share:

What is infertility, you ask?

The dictionary would tell you that it is simply being unable to conceive within a year of actively trying or being able to carry a baby to full term. But it's far more than that. And it's far more than just an inconvenience. It's a disease of the reproductive system that affects 1 in 8 couples. And like any other disease, it is frustrating. It is gut-wrenching. And it is depressing. It’s like a grave that keeps following you around day after day as it swallows your hope and buries more and more of your dreams with the tears you just shed.

It is desperately longing to be pregnant. Wanting to know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of you. A life that has your eyes and his smile. A life that you created in love.

It is walking down the baby aisles and touching the onsies, picking up the booties, and wondering when. And asking why.

It’s loving a child you have never met. And missing them fiercely every day.

It’s emptiness as you walk by the bedroom that should be a nursery. It’s loneliness as your house is absent from the pitter patters of tiny feet in the morning or giggles from bath time at night.

It’s frustration that leads to desperation as you try every vitamin recommended, test suggested, treatment procedure offered, medicine given, and diet instructed.

It is feeling unworthy. Because maybe your faith is too weak. Your prayers are not enough. Or your past too damning.

It is trying to understand why prostitutes, drug addicts and those who abuse their children are given such blessings. But you? You seem to have to fight and work and struggle beyond your strength and exhaust all of your resources to receive.

It’s a constant war between your body and your soul. A war that you must fight to win daily and a war that is exhausting, yet you battle on.

It is trying to remain hopeful, yet realistic. And failing to find the balance.

It’s hearing the words, “I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat.”

Or expecting to walk out of the hospital with a birth certificate, but instead it’s a death certificate.

THAT IS INFERTILITY.

It's more than just an inconvenience.

It's more than just the inability to conceive.

It's dream shattering. Soul crushing. And heartbreaking.

I am attaching two videos that I think are helpful and I have been sharing with people as I have been telling people.

How to support me

What not to say

[Deleted User] · April 2017

I'm not crying, You're crying! :'( :'( :'(

Thank you ladies so much for sharing your stories and inspiration! I may try to type something up to share myself once I can sit down at my computer... ❤❤❤

beachbunnyxo123 · April 2017

@antoto thanks so much for putting this thread together

IF for me has been months of hearing "you're too anxious, you're doing too much, you just need to relax, once you stop all this it will happen". It's been my mother in law looking at me like I'm depriving her son, her friends making passive aggressive comments on fb validating her for so badly wanting more grandchildren and not getting them. Assumptions from others that me and my husband are selfish and don't want children. Friends getting pregnant without trying and asking for tips and getting KU that month. It's being so tired of having sex but robotically doing it anyway. Embarassment to talk about TTC because people don't know what to say and when they do say something it's the wrong thing. It's been no clear answers on anything besides unexplained. It's been consistent prayer with my husband and trust in the Lord that we will have children despite what things may look like because God is in control. I know there are so many others who have been going through this longer than I have but this thread is empowering to me. I want others to be more aware and educated about IF. Support to me isn't trying to "fix it" or tell me what to do because you're an "expert". It's sitting and listening. It's letting me talk when I want to and saying nothing when I don't. To me, IF is not "if" but "when". God knows the desire of my heart and has promised me children and my faith keeps me strong and hopeful. Im glad to have a safe space here to speak our minds.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

<blockquote class="Quote">
<div><a rel="nofollow">beachbunnyxo123</a> said:</div>
<div>@antoto thanks so much for putting this thread together

IF for me has been months of hearing "you're too anxious, you're doing too much, you just need to relax, once you stop all this it will happen". It's been my mother in law looking at me like I'm depriving her son, her friends making passive aggressive comments on fb validating her for so badly wanting more grandchildren and not getting them. Assumptions from others that me and my husband are selfish and don't want children. Friends getting pregnant without trying and asking for tips and getting KU that month. It's being so tired of having sex but robotically doing it anyway. Embarassment to talk about TTC because people don't know what to say and when they do say something it's the wrong thing. It's been no clear answers on anything besides unexplained. It's been consistent prayer with my husband and trust in the Lord that we will have children despite what things may look like because God is in control. I know there are so many others who have been going through this longer than I have but this thread is empowering to me. I want others to be more aware and educated about IF. Support to me isn't trying to "fix it" or tell me what to do because you're an "expert". It's sitting and listening. It's letting me talk when I want to and saying nothing when I don't. <b>To me, IF is not "if" but "when". God </b>knows the desire of my heart and <b>has promised me children</b> and my faith keeps me strong and hopeful. Im glad to have a safe space here to speak our minds. <3
</div>
</blockquote>
<img alt="" src="https://media.tenor.co/images/ff7d3258962cc4c31531b58ee71ff95e/raw" title="Image: https://media.tenor.co/images/ff7d3258962cc4c31531b58ee71ff95e/raw">

[Deleted User] · April 2017

Not sure if anyone has seen this but I thought it was pretty damn clever. A couple with IF took some photos "inspired" by typical pregnancy announcement pictures, but instead the theme was infertility. It had me Laugh/crying.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniemcneal/infertility-announcements?utm_term=.nljgj36Q8#.gxEg7q8r0

KristoKekerooni · April 2017

*snip* To me, IF is not "if" but "when". God knows the desire of my heart and has promised me children and my faith keeps me strong and hopeful. Im glad to have a safe space here to speak our minds.

Nothing against you, @beachbunnyxo123 , because I know this was an innocent encouragement/mantra, etc. and I wasn't going to say anything... but I don't like that wording.
I feel like it's detrimental to the movement. God hasn't promised children. Never has He said He would give you kids. Is it in the Bible? Verse please. If He told you personally, send Him my way, I'd like a word. But really. He hasn't promised. There are plenty of people who end up without kids. And I don't think that God has done them a disservice or they should be blamed for not having enough faith, etc, which is where it always goes when people believe God has promised something. If God made that promise, look how many people he has forsaken. Not my God. Did He say those with children would be blessed? Yeah. But He also made the same claim about those without. Does the Lord adore children? 100%. But that doesn't mean kids are part of His plan for everyone. To claim it as so is wrong and hurtful. It also would mean (especially paired with the "if/when" statement) that I could just sit back and relax because God made a promise that He can't break, so I shouldn't have to work for it. That leads to "just relax" and "just have faith" and "let go, let God" which I think most can agree is just not right. We are called to fight and relentlessly pursue.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

So I'm a sinful atheist and don't deal in faith and God. However, I do know the pain of IF and I'm not about to judge how someone else deals with it. I started buying expensive crystals and oils to help me mentally deal with it, so I'm not about to tell someone else they are being irrational. I know a lot of people who are religious do feel they have a personal relationship with God that extends outside the bible, so I'm assuming this is what Beachbunny was referring to.

This thread is here so everyone with IF can be open about their stories and their lives. I personally feel it's inappropriate to call someone out on anything written here (unless they are attacking someone or being hateful or destructive or whatever). I don't want someone feeling like they can't be open and honest in this thread. That would be bum me the F out.

And I'm sure I'll get the typical response of "antoto get off your high horse and stop controlling TTGP" or "You can't control the responses blah blah blah"

I know. I'm letting everyone know that I personally don't think calling out and shaming was the point of this thread... and since I made this thread I should know.

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't blow this thread up. I'm begging you guys.

lund · April 2017

antoto said:

So I'm a sinful atheist and don't deal in faith and God. However, I do know the pain of IF and I'm not about to judge how someone else deals with it. I started buying expensive crystals and oils to help me mentally deal with it, so I'm not about to tell someone else they are being irrational. I know a lot of people who are religious do feel they have a personal relationship with God that extends outside the bible, so I'm assuming this is what Beachbunny was referring to.

This thread is here so everyone with IF can be open about their stories and their lives. I personally feel it's inappropriate to call someone out on anything written here (unless they are attacking someone or being hateful or destructive or whatever). I don't want someone feeling like they can't be open and honest in this thread. That would be bum me the F out.

And I'm sure I'll get the typical response of "antoto get off your high horse and stop controlling TTGP" or "You can't control the responses blah blah blah"

I know. I'm letting everyone know that I personally don't think calling out and shaming was the point of this thread... and since I made this thread I should know.

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't blow this thread up. I'm begging you guys.

My thoughts exactly.

lulu1180 · April 2017

@antoto

KristoKekerooni · April 2017

I certainly never said anything rude or said someone should or should not post something. I'm asking for understanding and clarification because it's simply not true. If there is a different interpretation, I am all ears, I asked for verses, etc. I'm not being hateful, I have nothing against beach bunny at all. AT ALL. I actually like her.

I just don't see how that connection can be made, and if something is said that will directly hurt someone who is struggling, then that's when I get uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable to be told God made me a promise because what if I don't have a baby? That hurts me.

Edit to add: I don't think this conversation is a bad conversation. I always think conversations should be encouraged so understanding can be made. Whether it's her or me. I don't see why you guys needed to respond before her and I even got to discuss it. It's not like you needed to jump in to protect her because I wasn't attacking her.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

Nothing about IF is easy. It wasn't "supposed" to be like this.

We were NTNP for six months after the wedding. Then we were "trying" with all the timing, OPKs, every vitamin and supplement you can think of. Then the testing. Then the devastating dx. Our Church teaches that ART is against God's law. So we have had that additional spiritual burden of struggling against what we are taught to believe, and the purest desire of our hearts - to conceive and bear children. Facing alienation from the only Church we know, and damning open criticism, by pursuing every avenue available to us to conceive.

I have hesitated to speak too openly here bc in a way MFI is "his" personal medical issue and I sometimes feel it is not my place to put his thing on the internet, let alone talk to friends or family IRL about it. It's incredibly isolating. There is so much tied up in a man's identity with his fertility, his virility, that it makes it even harder for them to be open about, where I could talk to my gfs all day bout PCOS or blocked tubes or endo if that were the case. But it's not. Our IF as a couple is on my husband's side, and I have had to hear some of the most painful thoughts he's expressed to me privately about his inability to give me what a husband is "supposed" to be able to do. Down to giving me permission to leave him. More than once.

TTC has almost entirely taken over the early years of our marriage, when we were "supposed" to be building our future. For me in particular, I have been stuck in this purgatory, unable to focus much on anything else. I desperately want our, "happy ending," but for us the best case is spending thousands of dollars (we don't have) on IVF, or taking out a big, fat IVF loan, or finding a different job where I could get insurance with IF coverage. Even when it comes down to IVF, some people may have fairly easy access to it that way. Some don't. Some may have no major qualms about using all the science, others have to wrestle with that bigtime. Some couples decide when it gets to that point that IVF is not for them. But adoption is just as expensive.

Sometimes even all the science in the world doesn't work, or isn't an option. For now, we have to keep waiting till DH can attempt an invasive microsurgical sperm extraction procedure (MESA/TESE) and even then it's no guarantee the doctors will be able to recover the genetic material for us to conceive a child together. DH has his own reservations, even if they do find sperm, about the mechanism of his dx, and if it's really this bad, maybe he is just not "meant to" be a father. Of course as much as I would love to one day meet my biological daughters and sons, I'm not sure for his sake I can ask him to do that through donor IUI. There was actually a slim chance he could have a microsurgical tube reconstruction of the vas deferens, but the hope for that being successful and resulting in a spontaneous pregnancy, which is the ONLY, "Church approved," way we could hypothetically conceive, is fading fast, based on the reality of his medical condition.

So here we are. I will consider ourselves lucky if I am able to find a job with IVF coverage, and even moreso if they are JUST able to retrieve some of his sperm for ICSI. But there are no guarantees. This has all been incredibly hard on our young marriage, and I can see now how many couples don't survive IF intact. I wouldn't wish this kind of struggle on ANYONE. And until we have our answers, Yes, we can try IVF, No, there's nothing more we can do. Yes, we will move onto adoption... which can be equally heartrending when it doesn't work out, failed matches, family re-claiming children, waiting, and waiting, and waiting for a match... No, we're done. Any way you slice it, this journey has been arduous. And it's not something we ever planned on. Not in a million years. It wasn't "supposed" to be like this. And yet, here we are.

My faith that God's got a plan for us does keep me going. But if there is anything our IF struggle has shown me, it's that you never can tell. I really don't know what the future holds for us, but I do hope and pray that whatever we face, DH and I will grow stronger together for it, and still stay standing strong when the time comes to start our next chapter. Whatever that may be.

lulu1180 · April 2017

edit - decided that I wasn't sure if it was appropriate here

sunniegrly · April 2017

Just wanted to post a message of support to the ladies on here dealing with IF. I see you. I hear you. Thank you for sharing your stories. Standing in solidarity with you this week. Many, many internet hugs to you.

KristoKekerooni · April 2017

@JuneRoseRuby - Was that something you wrote and posted to FB or just something that's been floating around? Because man does that hit you. It's such a familiar feeling, what's described.

Speaking of, I have been working on something similar for my blog/IF Insta called #InfertilityIs , with the same sentiment as that. So I would love to hear how everyone here defines Infertility. What does it look like? This is my working list, unedited. To me, this is a real glimpse into the IF world.

Again, if you guys want to add, please do. I am collecting these.

Infertility is sobbing on the couch. It’s throwing your phone across the room, and then gaining just enough composure to stand up, retrieve your phone, and type out “congrats, I’m so happy for you” for the fourth time in two days.

Infertility is being that friend. The friend that no one wants to tell they’re pregnant. The one that they treat with oven mitts because you must have a sign stapled to your forehead that says “SENSITIVE FEELINGS AHEAD.”

Infertility is screening all TV shows/movies/books/etc through Google or friends before you dive in. It’s never wanting to see mention of pregnancy or babies when you least expect it.
Infertility is sitting on the sidelines. It’s watching all your friends being to try to conceive months or even years after you, find success, and then come back around for number two or three while you are still sitting, waiting, watching.

Infertility is desperation. It’s trying pomegranates, pineapple, avocado, sex upside down, Diva Cups, acupuncture and every variety of every Old Wives’ tale out there just in case.

Infertility is having a box hidden away, stuffed in a corner in a closet across the house. It’s having that box be full of onesies, booties, socks, books, toys, blankets, diapers….

Infertility is pulling the box down and rummaging through it. It’s holding the onesie to your face and sobbing till it’s soaked with your tears.

Infertility is pulling yourself together long enough to put the onesie back. It’s pulling a book out of the box, wrapping it up, and sending it on to a friend’s baby shower- the one you couldn’t bring yourself to attend.

Infertility is avoiding specific sections and aisles of department stores. It’s going into an unfamiliar store and stumbling upon the section and stopping in your tracks. It’s staring at the onesies, the bows, the cribs and feeling your heart crumble. It’s reaching out to touch the soft fabric of the blankets. It’s a lungful wishing.

Infertility is staring at the test you promised yourself you wouldn’t take and willing your eyes to see a line that isn’t there.

Infertility is throwing the strip away, only to dig it out hours later, praying you just were too tired to see the second line.

Infertility is being told a million reasons for why it’s your fault. It’s hearing “just relax,” “have faith,” “let go, let God.” It’s being told to “lose weight,” “try Plexus/MaryKay/Arbonne/whatever” “stop worrying.”
Infertility is a never-ending barrage about how you aren’t enough. Aren’t thin enough, healthy enough, faithful enough, relaxed enough.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

@antoto I guess I was confused. I thought the point of *NIAW was to start a dialogue between people, including what people find supportive/hurtful. If one person says, "this statement helps me," and another one says, "that same statement hurts me," are we not both equally entitled to our opinions? Wasn't the point of this thread to open that discussion and bring awareness to the multi-faceted nature of IF?
<img alt="" src="https://maximumwage.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/i-dont-get-it2.gif?w=640" title="Image: https://maximumwage.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/i-dont-get-it2.gif?w=640">
My sincere apologies for the confusion. If you do not want "your thread" to turn into a frank and open discourse, then I will just remove my post. Sorry to have intruded on your thing.

KristoKekerooni · April 2017

Oh, @BusinessWife , I missed your post. Ugh. This.

"I have had to hear some of the most painful thoughts he's expressed to me privately about his inability to give me what a husband is "supposed" to be able to do. Down to giving me permission to leave him. More than once."

Just kills me. You know that our side is MFI, too, and it's a different ballgame. Not any less or greater than FMI, mind you, but different. It comes with a whole new mixture of things to deal with. Letting go of control, being more sensitive to feelings, having to be careful about pressure, etc. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill and no thousand and one difference procedures or options to try. There either is sperm or there isn't. And that sucks.
I know you are in a spot of uncertainty right now and I can't imagine what a loomingly scary crescendo you are looking at. I like to quote Hagrid in times like these, because it's all I can do- "What's coming will come and we'll meet it when it does." That's all you can do right now. Your patience and positivity is inspiring.

KristoKekerooni · April 2017

sunniegrly said:

Just wanted to post a message of support to the ladies on here dealing with IF. I see you. I hear you. Thank you for sharing your stories. Standing in solidarity with you this week. Many, many internet hugs to you.

Thank you, @sunniegrly

being heard is hard when we are silenced by the frequent "You don't know love till you're a mother" posts that have been bombarding at least me in these weeks leading up to mother's day.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

BusinessWife said:

@antoto I guess I was confused. I thought the point of *NIAW was to start a dialogue between people, including what people find supportive/hurtful. If one person says, "this statement helps me," and another one says, "that same statement hurts me," are we not both equally entitled to our opinions? Wasn't the point of this thread to open that discussion and bring awareness to the multi-faceted nature of IF?

My sincere apologies for the confusion. If you do not want "your thread" to turn into a frank and open discourse, then I will just remove my post. Sorry to have intruded on your thing.

Really though? Your sarcastic Bellatrix gif was not dialogue. You did not say "Hey, you said this and I have found that in my own journey to not be a helpful/to be hurtful". You just QFP'd and put a sarcastic gif. That's kind of crappy.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

Thanks @KristoKekerooni. (((Hugs))) FTR I don't actually cry into a onesie. My cloth diapers tho... ;)

Funny story - DH and I were up in the attic looking for something for the office, and he starts to open: The Box. (it's 1/3 but, who's counting). He's all, what's this, kitchen stuff? And I'm like uh, yeah, that's my stuff. And he thankfully just lets it close and moves on. Lol. Phew! Not like we need to have that conversation right now, "@BusinessWife??? Can you tell me why there's not one, not two, but THREE BOXES of baby things up here???" Uhmmm cos?

[Deleted User] · April 2017

@antoto yeah. *Sometimes we speak in gifs.

And then I sat down, collected my thoughts and shared our story honestly, to hopefully illucidate where I was coming from.

KristoKekerooni · April 2017

@BusinessWife - I'm (un?)lucky in that my H is actually worse than me. Or sued to be, anyway. We've both kinda stopped. but he used to see anything and immediately buy it. We have toys the kid wouldn't even be able to play with till 5+ tears, but it was cute and possibly on sale so /shrug. H is most proud (and now most saddened by) the bibs that are "baby's first" with each one having a holiday. "Baby's first Christmas" etc.
My favorite OBVIOUSLY is the periodic table blocks. because duh. The box is depleting though. We've given a lot away because I can't go baby shower shopping anymore so I pull it from our box and give it away. It only hurts a little when I see someone else's kid wearing/playing/reading whatever we gave them.

At least it isn't being wasted in a box, I guess.

Oh, and when I say box, I may or may not mean one of those huge moving tubs. Those grey ones? so it's not exactly a shoebox....

vflux33 · April 2017

I probably shouldn't weigh in here, but against my better judgment I'm going to:

I just want to say I think "Let her think that if it makes her feel better and don't attack her" and "I find that offensive because does that mean God doesn't want me to have kids but wants her to" are both valid reactions. We're all struggling to figure out what IF means to us and how it fits into our paradigm of the world, religious and otherwise, and it's not going to perfectly match up all the time with the way other people are thinking about it. That's OK. In fact, it is to be expected. We all come from our own universes with different experiences. The fact that we can all come here and support each other and relate despite these differences is, in my view, something to celebrate.

JuneRoseRuby · April 2017

@KristoKekerooni I did not write it, I saw someone had shared the post, so it was floating around on FB.

I thought I would add some pictures that also show what IF is for me too.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/vy/0k7k0xp23hbv.jpg

It's constant blood draws and bandages wrapped around my arms

It's getting flyers in the mail for baby stores that you aren't sure if you'll ever be able to use

Its driving to the doctors office at 6:30 in the morning to bring in your H's sperm sample while trying to keep it warm and making sure it gets there within an hour

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/8g/dh8cxavy63z2.jpg

It's having this giant wand shoved in you every damn time you go to the RE and continually seeing an empty uterus.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/lz/vem298r5pg0y.jpg

It's researching and finding all of the books you can because MAYBE there is something out there you haven't tried yet

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/bw/jjdx60v9z2jo.jpg

It's constant bruising from even more blood draws.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/39/2qwbjzayic9q.jpg

It's finding books about coping and dealing with the depression and constant sadness you deal with each and every hour of each and every day.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

<blockquote class="Quote">
<div class="QuoteAuthor"><a href="/profile/vflux33">vflux33</a> said:</div>
<div class="QuoteText">I probably shouldn't weigh in here, but against my better judgment I'm going to:

I just want to say I think "Let her think that if it makes her feel better and don't attack her" and "I find that offensive because does that mean God doesn't want me to have kids but wants her to" are both valid reactions. We're all struggling to figure out what IF means to us and how it fits into our paradigm of the world, religious and otherwise, and it's not going to perfectly match up all the time with the way other people are thinking about it. That's OK. In fact, it is to be expected. We all come from our own universes with different experiences. The fact that we can all come here and support each other and relate despite these differences is, in my view, something to celebrate.

</div>
</blockquote>
All of this. I didn't say AT ALL that someone else isn't entitled to believe whatever helps them. God bless em. And I sincerely hope it turns out to be true for her. But the reality is, not everyone gets a baby. That's true too. And given the nature of this forum, I see it as a disservice to blow pixie-dust about it either.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

vflux33 said:

I probably shouldn't weigh in here, but against my better judgment I'm going to:

I just want to say I think "Let her think that if it makes her feel better and don't attack her" and "I find that offensive because does that mean God doesn't want me to have kids but wants her to" are both valid reactions. We're all struggling to figure out what IF means to us and how it fits into our paradigm of the world, religious and otherwise, and it's not going to perfectly match up all the time with the way other people are thinking about it. That's OK. In fact, it is to be expected. We all come from our own universes with different experiences. The fact that we can all come here and support each other and relate despite these differences is, in my view, something to celebrate.

To be clear, I was reacting to the gif (eta, and perhaps a phrase or two elsewhere that I thought could have been more respectful). Any thoughts about personal journeys and how we personally process all these thoughts and ideas (said in a respectful way) is, I think, extremely beneficial. I thought @KristoKekerooni brought up some fair points, and in her extended post @BusinessWife also brought up some thoughtful comments.

KristoKekerooni · April 2017

@vflux33 - I appreciate you weighing in. It's a community, you're involved by just being here. I appreciate your words.

@JuneRoseRuby - Ugh, I just cringed for you. Thank you for sharing though. Can I steal those words and/or pictures? Or if you insta, you can insta them yourself with the hashtag #InfertilityIs (shameless plug for Hope_Infertility and my blog linked in siggy) This "project" has just begun, so there isn't much I've done yet.

@antoto - I'll take your word from it, but it didn't seem to me like you were okay with what I said, initially. That's why I responded again. but we can just let it die from here, no harm, no foul (unless @beachbunnyxo123 has more to say, since it was her post and she should get a "say" if she wants it)

Regardless, I love the idea of this thread, but as always, we need to be careful with IF. It's so hard and everyone feels differently and responds differently. This sh*t sucks. it's easy to get hurt feelings or feel attacked because, frankly, we are attacked all the freaking time. I consider it an attack when people tell me I am not relaxed enough, or that I don't know love because I am not a mom. I consider it attack when people like some random lady last night messaged me and said "hey sorry you're infertile but have you tried plexus?" It's BS. We are constantly on the defense and it's easy to get hurt feelings or to rise up in anticipation of an attack when one isn't really imminent.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

KristoKekerooni said:

snip

Regardless, I love the idea of this thread, but as always, we need to be careful with IF. It's so hard and everyone feels differently and responds differently. This sh*t sucks. it's easy to get hurt feelings or feel attacked because, frankly, we are attacked all the freaking time. I consider it an attack when people tell me I am not relaxed enough, or that I don't know love because I am not a mom. I consider it attack when people like some random lady last night messaged me and said "hey sorry you're infertile but have you tried plexus?" It's BS. We are constantly on the defense and it's easy to get hurt feelings or to rise up in anticipation of an attack when one isn't really imminent.

Ugh I feel you so damn hard on this. Yes. Just yes.
I HATE when people act like there are all these easy solutions to IF and I guess we are just idiots and didn't figure it out? "Oh but Clomid gets you pregnant IMMEDIATELY!" "Good thing we have IVF!" or other comments like that. They just don't get how 1) extremely unpleasant and HARD IF treatment is and also 2) there is a large possibility that the treatment wont work. Ultimately what their attitude tells me is that it's easy to get pregnant even with IF and I'm just stupid or something. Sometimes I think people just say or belief stuff like that to make themselves feel better so they don't have to realize they live in a world that's cruel and unfair.

Especially with IVF - people think it's a magical solution that fixes everything. I recently told a coworker I would be doing IVF and her response was "Congratulations!" as if I had just told her I was pregnant. I was so surprised I didn't even know what to say. I mean she doesn't know my diagnosis. There are some kinds of IF that don't work well with IVF at all. Or people saying "I just KNOW IVF will work for you". Really? because if my RE can't tell me that then how can you?

AlohaKumu · April 2017

We are constantly on the defense and it's easy to get hurt feelings or to rise up in anticipation of an attack when one isn't really imminent.

So much this. It's taken me a few months, but I've come to think of the IF world as going through the stages of grief. I started off with the shock/denial big time. Some days I clung to that because it seemed "safe" compared to the other emotions. Some days I was overwhelmingly sad or angry. Because I grieve, I know I can become defensive or combative to try to protect the constant pricks to my heart. When one grieves a death, there is an "end" to it, because we know that the person we love is no longer physically with us. But the grief of IF plays with us because we do not know the outcome.

We all hold out hope in whatever way that makes sense to us, whether that is faith in God, science, or our loving partners. This community also brings me faith that it is possible to move beyond IF. I have accepted our MFI diagnosis, but I'm going to fight my hardest to support my DH and myself as we pursue IVF. Truly, I don't know how I would have the strength that I do today without the support and knowledge that all of you provide each and every day.

[Deleted User] · April 2017

Some infertility humor for anyone who needs a laugh today:

Due to influence of hormones I could burst into tears or kill you in the next 5 minutes

Welcome to the Club The Infertility Club that IsIt Fucking Sucks

<---- my fav
Lets have some fun Infertility memes 4

-- CLICK FOR FREE INFERTILITY RESOURCES -- IVF Success Rate Calculator PCOS Challenge Comprehensive Fertility Checklist More

AlohaKumu · April 2017

@antoto - that koala, tho. And I'll take some of those "magic healing moon fossils," please!

[Deleted User] · April 2017

Oh snap this one too

Infertility IUI Clomid hMG injections IUI with injectables TTC Infertility sisters infertility ecard infertility humor Clomid

beachbunnyxo123 · April 2017

antoto said:

It's that time of year - April 2
Some ideas:

Non IF women -
* Feel free to ask for advice on how to support those living with IF
* Write a message to your IF friends letting them know how you feel for their struggle
*Share love tits, virtual hugs, gifs, etc

IF women -
*Write a "Dear Fertile Women," letter letting women without IF know how you feel and what you want/need.
*Share your IF story.
*Share your "coming out" story (many women use this week to 'come out" as IF on social media or to friends/family
*Share gifs, love tits, virtual hugs, etc.

I would never expect anyone to feel the same way that I do. We are all amazingly strong women with different journeys and different experiences. I sincerely apologize if anyone was offended by my post and at the same time I feel confused because I thought the point of this thread was to express how we individually feel. We aren't all meant to think and believe the same way and that's okay that's what makes us unique. I think the words spoken here are all valid as there is never one absolute truth and it even again highlights that no IF journey or feelings are the same. @KristoKekerooni I very much respect your opinion and interpretation as I respect mine but I just want to be cautious since many people may not find comfort in religion like we do. I will say that although we have each posted about our beliefs before and although yours are different from mine I've always appreciated your perspective as it's made me see things another way.

@antoto I think this thread is a huge success because it shows that there is not one fix all solution (eta- when building support) which I think is what makes IF even more challenging to work through. Btw those memes are everything! Gave me a good laugh!

@JuneRoseRuby girl you are on fire with your post and the follow up pictures. I feel like they are such a concrete way to increase awareness and education on IF in such a strong way!

@vflux33 like your perspective in finding a synthesis! glad you went against your better judgment and posted!

KristoKekerooni · April 2017

@beachbunnyxo123 - I guess what I was trying to get at is, when it comes to religion/spiritual stuff (and blame this on years of private christian school) don't tell me, show me. I've always been taught to not take someone's word for anything and instead, go directly to the Word. So when I see you saying that there is a promise, I want to know about it because I so desperately want it to be true. I want to have some form of guarantee that I'll have a baby. I guess I don't just want to know what you believe, but I want to know how you came to believe that, if it makes sense? Not in like a challenging kind of way, but as a discussion/teaching/whatever kind of way. Because if it turns out that I agree with how you formed your opinion then that's great and it could help me understand why then some people say things like I referenced above ("let go, let God," "it'll happen" etc.).
Does that all make sense?

It wasn't as much of a "this offends me, I don't like you" kind of thing. I mean, it didn't make me feel great, but that's why I questioned it. Because if I am missing something crucial, I need to know. Because like you said, I've seen your posts, you've seen mine. I appreciate the different stance. I just wanna learn.

LoveInDC · April 2017

Re: Religion and IF

I fancy myself a Christian, but I distanced myself from organized religion in adulthood. In my current faith, I don't believe God adds struggles to my life, only gives me the tools to overcome them and find peace in my life (however that looks).

I went to a Lutheran high school and was very involved in the church at the time. Every year, we had a religion class that taught us a different aspect of the faith and how to apply it to our lives. Junior year, we were discussing reproduction and eugenics. The whole conversation rubbed me the wrong way. As a child of IVF, the way they were talking about assisted reproduction was painful. I even raised my hand and asked the pastor: "So God didn't want me to exist? He has no plan for me? It's a sin for me to be alive?" And as much as he tried to word his way around it, that was what he was saying.

That's when I started embracing individual religion over organized. I respect how everyone chooses to live out their lives and faith, but I do not support imposing personal interpretations of faith on others. Do you believe IF is part of God's plan? Good for you. Do you believe IVF is playing God? Fine by me. Just don't try to impose that on my journey and we're square.

beachbunnyxo123 · April 2017

@KristoKekerooni of course I totally see where you're coming from! I'll inbox you so we can finish this convo

KristoKekerooni · April 2017

@LoveInDC - Maybe it's just the college I went to, but we were encouraged to find our own set of beliefs. Sure, there were principles and "rules" to follow to find those beliefs, but really, if we are to believe the Word is still relevant today (as in, it's living, whatever the "christian" way to call it, is), then I would think I could interpret it as I feel, regardless of rules. Now isn't the place, I guess, to discuss the religious implications of IVF/etc, but I would be curious as to how you align your feelings with your beliefs. (And that's not an attack, I have my own version of why IVF is acceptable even in a spiritual setting- namely the way define "personhood" and whatever).
would you be open to a PM? Again, not trying to argue at all, I am genuinely interested.

eggplantface · April 2017

OMG @antoto, interpretive dance. I need to use that. Starting with

Image: https://frinkiac.com/video/S06E13/1SUuu7SwPLHanS7NjljqdCdXdvs=.gif

This is a bit of word vomit.

Dealing with IF, and the 2+ years of TTC that has gone along with it, is frustrating for more reasons than just not having a baby. IF is all-consuming, but at the same time doesn't take any time at all. That is, I feel it like a weight on my chest all day, all night, but it's just a pill on day 3-7, or a couple of shots in the abdomen at night, or an ultrasound every other morning (ok, that is a freaking burden). But it's all I can think about, focus on, deal with, every day. I started a company with a friend two years ago, around the time we started trying, just a side business for fun. There are things I need to be doing for this company now, but I feel so overwhelmed by the IVF stuff plus my full-time job and wanting to spend time with my husband that I can't do it. And whenever I see a text from her I want to respond that my head is just not in the game right now, but then I think "And why the hell not? Why should she buy that?" Because I'm not doing anything right now. I'm waiting for a doctor's appointment while on BCP. That's nothing. But at the same time I feel like my feet are in quicksand and I can't move because IVF is all I can think about.

I envy people who decide to have a baby and get pregnant without a thought. I do. It's not fair. The funny thing is, I think I envy them because they don't have to spend the time and money to conceive that I do, not because they have an actual baby. I'm more pissed they're going on vacations and planning their future while I'm stuck in a limbo and feel like time has stopped while also going way too fast.

I'm also an anomaly though, because I don't get mad when I see babies, or see an announcement (except for the one girl who wrote "BOY" on her belly to announce on FB. But I side-eyed the announcement, not the pregnancy itself). I get slightly peeved when I see fictional TV/movie characters get pregnant from a one-night stand. That's when I say "Well it's too bad you happened to be ovulating the one time you banged a dude for fun!" Crazy odds, there. But I'm throwing my best friend's baby shower in a month because I'm so incredibly psyched she's having a baby. So I don't like when I get treated with kid gloves when a friend announces a pregnancy. Or pitied. Or shunned from the group text. I'm trying to be open with my friends with how I feel and where I am in the process so they don't do that.

The only time I was upset with a friend's pregnancy was when she started shouting how easy it was to get pregnant at a party (that is, she shouted, at a party, how easy it was to get pregnant).

Image: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c5/19/18/c51918154ec475fd37503e492a172dc0.jpg

I reminded her of the IUI she needed for her second kid and she ignored me. That hurt just because I expected her to be more sensitive than that.

Lastly, that picture of needing meds/needles to get pregnant is amazing. So much YAS.

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