Baby Shower?!

pawcall · April 2017

I cannot believe I am posting about this as I turn 10 weeks tomorrow, but my future SIL and MIL are already planning a baby shower. They have already booked a venue, begun designing invitations, and are eagerly awaiting word on who I want to invite and where I am registered.

You guys, I am not even 10 weeks yet!

And that's not the half of it. My problem is our crazy life situation. This is my FI's first baby, and the first baby born on his side of the family. His brother is almost 40 and unmarried, not anticipating having any kids, and his sister is in her 40's and her husband is sterile due to chemotherapy when he was younger. This is really it for them. *I* however HAVE a child, and HAD a baby shower in 2010.

How do I handle this? I understand that they're super excited and why his friends and family would want to attend a baby shower. But my friends and family have all BEEN to my baby shower already, 6 1/2 years ago. A lot has happened since then - my husband got a vasectomy because we were 100% done, but my husband and I are divorced and I'm living a life I absolutely didn't anticipate but am beyond happy with.

I'd planned to register and provide it if anyone ASKS, and they've agreed not to include registry information in the invitations, but it's still planned to be a traditional shower where everyone sits there watching me open gifts (awkward) and so while I want people to feel that gifts aren't required, I feel like it will end up really awkward.

First world problems, I realize. My mom is telling me to just let them throw the shower, invite my close friends, and they can choose to decline if they're not comfortable with it. WWYD?

kwaldy · April 2017

I kinda agree with your mom... I think your future in-laws have good intentions, even though it's awkward.
Personally, I don't really dig the traditional baby shower gig either. I hate being the center of attention, especially during the gift thing. Maybe, as a compromise, you could suggest a less formal baby shower... like ones where guys and kids are invited and basically more like a simple gettogether or barbeque type of thing to celebrate baby.

DuchessOfCambridge · April 2017

To be honest, I'd probably do what your mom is saying. I think it's really sweet how excited they are and for them they may feel like it's their only chance to throw a baby shower. Baby showers are special for the mom but they're also special for the grandmothers and aunts. I can see why you're uncomfortable with it and why it would make you feel awkward but I'd just tell anyone you invite who has already been to a shower for you that you're doing it more for MIL to be than for yourself because it clearly will make her so happy. Maybe even tell them they don't need to bring gifts if that would make you feel better.

ElizabethSchuyler · April 2017

My first thought is let them throw the shower.

I personally didn't want a bridal shower and my MIL was itching to throw me one. She put it to me this way. "The amount of money I've spent on weddings and new babies is absurd. It's my turn to see my children be the center of attention."

How does FI feel about it?

DuchessOfCambridge · April 2017

ElizabethSchuyler said:

My first thought is let them throw the shower.

I personally didn't want a bridal shower and my MIL was itching to throw me one. She put it to me this way. "The amount of money I've spent on weddings and new babies is absurd. It's my turn to see my children be the center of attention."

How does FI feel about it?

This made me choked up and teary. I blame baby for that but it's really sweet.

pawcall · April 2017

kwaldy said:

I kinda agree with your mom... I think your future in-laws have good intentions, even though it's awkward.
Personally, I don't really dig the traditional baby shower gig either. I hate being the center of attention, especially during the gift thing. Maybe, as a compromise, you could suggest a less formal baby shower... like ones where guys and kids are invited and basically more like a simple gettogether or barbeque type of thing to celebrate baby.

This is what I suggested to my FI, but he said they've already booked some formal venue. i'm sure they'd be fine with inviting the guys too, but they're really planning the traditional "gawk while presents are opened" shower.

adirat · April 2017

@pawcall I would absolutely let them do a shower. I get why you don't feel as enthusiastic about it, but this is their first family baby. Try to remember all the excitement your family felt back then.

Is your FI on board? Maybe a coed shower or a family-only shower would be good and help you feel more comfortable but also give them what they want?

pawcall · April 2017

ElizabethSchuyler said:

My first thought is let them throw the shower.

I personally didn't want a bridal shower and my MIL was itching to throw me one. She put it to me this way. "The amount of money I've spent on weddings and new babies is absurd. It's my turn to see my children be the center of attention."

How does FI feel about it?

He's really excited, he really wants to do it. I'm not going to take that away from him or them, I guess i'm just left trying to decide whether I invite anyone on my side. I feel like if I do, I look tacky, but if I don't, I know basically no one there.

pawcall · April 2017

DuchessOfCambridge said:

To be honest, I'd probably do what your mom is saying. I think it's really sweet how excited they are and for them they may feel like it's their only chance to throw a baby shower. Baby showers are special for the mom but they're also special for the grandmothers and aunts. I can see why you're uncomfortable with it and why it would make you feel awkward but I'd just tell anyone you invite who has already been to a shower for you that you're doing it more for MIL to be than for yourself because it clearly will make her so happy. Maybe even tell them they don't need to bring gifts if that would make you feel better.

I definitely don't want people to feel obligated to give gifts but I also know how awkward I'd feel if my friend invited me to a shower and said no gifts and I listened, but then the shower was just watching her open up everyone's gifts.

Einneh · April 2017

I think it's really sweet that your SIL & MIL are super excited about the baby and want to do this for you. Sounds like this will mean a lot to your FI's family so I would say try and enjoy the ride. People always feels awkward about having a second baby shower but it should really be about celebrating the birth of a child, no matter if it's 2nd or 3rd..etc etc. I think your mom is right, let them do it and whoever wants to come will come.

DuchessOfCambridge · April 2017

@pawcall that's understandable. I guess I would just tell them not to feel obligated since they've already been there for you once. Though honestly, if my friend's first shower was 6.5 years ago I'd probably get her another gift because I wanted to haha and would get a gift for any new baby a friend was having regardless of what number child it was for her. I just did that for a friend who had baby #2 a month ago. But I get not everyone feels that way.

ElizabethSchuyler · April 2017

@DuchessOfCambridge It's just bigger than me and my feelings and three hours of "showering me" was something I could do for my new family. My MIL has been dreaming of herself in these situations: being the hostess and showering her future DIL with presents for marriage/baby. As much as it was "for me," it was totally for her and I was okay with that.

av2323 · April 2017

I would let them throw the shower. There is a huge difference in someone like me who has a 17 month old having another shower and someone who last had a child 6.5 years ago having another shower. In my area, it is becoming increasingly common for a second shower if there is a huge gap in years between children. Plus they are obviously excited.

emucoleman · April 2017

Ok... I'm just going to be honest with you and you can take it or leave it. I think this is a weird thing to complain about. So your ILs love you and want to throw you a wonderful party...how terrible?

If I were a guest invited to this party, I don't think I would be thinking, "geez, she had a party 7 years ago, doesn't she have enough baby stuff??" I'd probably be thinking about the fact that you're marrying a new person and this is his first baby (or his first baby with you). (Is your FI invited to the shower? Maybe he could open gifts with you and make you feel less awkward.) also, whenever I'm invited to the baby shower, I always think of it as a party being thrown by the person who's throwing it for someone they love--not as a party the person of honor must have demanded or something. Surely your guests will be able to conclude, without you spelling it out for them, that you have a new family that didn't get to be part of the last shower and that's why they're doing this.

In my area, I actually get invited to a lot of baby showers for 2nd, 3rd, even 4th children. Because people like parties and they like supporting each other. If someone doesn't like it, they can politely decline the invitation. I think it's so great that your new ILs already see you as part of the family and want to do this for/with you.

ElizabethSchuyler · April 2017

@pawcall I think your family/friends know and understand the situation. They'll be supportive and if they aren't :shruggy guy:

pawcall · April 2017

emucoleman said:

Ok... I'm just going to be honest with you and you can take it or leave it. I think this is a weird thing to complain about. So your ILs love you and want to throw you a wonderful party...how terrible?

If I were a guest invited to this party, I don't think I would be thinking, "geez, she had a party 7 years ago, doesn't she have enough baby stuff??" I'd probably be thinking about the fact that you're marrying a new person and this is his first baby (or his first baby with you). (Is your FI invited to the shower? Maybe he could open gifts with you and make you feel less awkward.) also, whenever I'm invited to the baby shower, I always think of it as a party being thrown by the person who's throwing it for someone they love--not as a party the person of honor must have demanded or something. Surely your guests will be able to conclude, without you spelling it out for them, that you have a new family that didn't get to be part of the last shower and that's why they're doing this.

In my area, I actually get invited to a lot of baby showers for 2nd, 3rd, even 4th children. Because people like parties and they like supporting each other. If someone doesn't like it, they can politely decline the invitation. I think it's so great that your new ILs already see you as part of the family and want to do this for/with you.

Appreciate the perspective, and I'm certainly not trying to complain - i just feel awkward and not sure of the right thing to do etiquette-wise. They are super excited and it does mean a lot to me that they care so much, it was just unexpected (especially that they're so deep into planning a party they want to have in September) and I'm worried about whether I'd be putting my friends in an awkward position. I really haven't shared all of this with them, just kind of bouncing it off others unrelated to the situation, if that makes sense. To them, I've just said that we really appreciate it, we're not registered yet but we'll get them the information once we have it, and we'll start to think through who we'd want to invite. (Then I got stuck on "oh god who do I invite to this?!")

emucoleman · April 2017

@pawcall Gotcha. I understand. Sorry if I came across too harsh. My main point was that I think the friends you invite, assuming they know you and your situation, will be pretty understanding.

DuchessOfCambridge · April 2017

@pawcall if I was your friend IRL I'd be thrilled to attend another shower for you. If you were a super demanding person who needed attention at every second and gifts it'd be another story but you seem the exact opposite. I bet your friends will be happy

hedgepig · April 2017

I agree with the ladies who pointed out that it has been 6 1/2 years, which is long enough that I don't think you should worry about it. Also, based on what you said about your history with your ex, I bet people will be really happy to celebrate this new baby and family with you. Go for it, and don't stress.

2Dash · April 2017

I would just let your MIL and SIL throw the shower they want for you - it's just one day. And I would maybe tell your MIL that your only planning on inviting a few close friends and your mom because you already had a shower for DS1 and you don't want to seem gift grabby. I can appreciate that planning at 10 weeks is a little much - I would feel the same as you.

If I were your friend I would gladly come to a second shower to support you and if I didn't feel like getting a big gift I would get a couple cute outfits or something.

cmessamore · April 2017

Honestly, I have had 3 babies and have had at least one shower with each one. My family loved babies and are always looking for reasons to celebrate them! We registered for the things we absolutely needed and listed the details on the invitations, but I secretly told everyone I'm close to not to worry about gifts and that we were just interested in having a party to celebrate our new bundle of joy. I had so many friends that wanted to buy things even though we didn't need much, so I always offered the "feel free to bring diapers or wipes or a new book if you really feel you need to bring something!" All of our friends and family still came to each one and I think almost everyone brought some sort of gift. Even with my third, it was always a fun day. I'm not sure if I'll have a shower with this one. We just told our families on Easter, so we'll see! I'm okay with it either way.

megmralph · April 2017

Suck it up and let them give you gifts! Your closest friends should understand the situation you're in and be happy to show up with a onesie and a baby book.

Worst case scenario, you give your family members a once-in-their-lifetime opportunity and wind up with a lot of nice things. You can return the things you don't need and spend the money on consumables for the baby.

ariasbabyblog · April 2017

I've been to showers that were diapers and wipes only. It was called a Diaper Shower and it was really great.

That they are planning this so early is a little weird to me, as well as booking a formal space. It's a shower, not a ceremony. Have they considered having a more casual gathering? Have they asked for any of your input?

slaven · April 2017

My ILs have been planning my shower since like week 4 (we told them right away). This is the first baby on either side so it's different, but they're also doing it at a formal place (country club). It's being planned early partly because I have to travel to it and it has to be earlier in the pregnancy than usual. At first it was going to be at the end of Sept. and I'd have to drive 6 hours for it but now I have to fly from GA to MA so it'll be at the end of Aug. My mom is helping plan (she can't afford much as my parents are recently divorced) and I just had an argument with her about inviting my dad's gf. That's another story. Hopefully yours goes smoothly and is enjoyable. If you feel uncomfortable with the attention, I agree with others, think about how your ILs have been yearning for a grandbaby. DH and I had a town hall wedding last minute, no bridal showers, so my idea behind my formal shower is that they missed out on that. My SIL is getting married in July with a shower an all that (which I love) but my MIL keeps mentioning that she wants me to have that shower too and they want to make sure we have our special day (no joke, that's the reason why my baby shower won't be at the same location as SIL's bridal shower).

Sorry this is a mini novel.
TL;DR Have fun and enjoy the family love!

ineedsixeggs · April 2017

I actually live in an area where I didn't even know it was a weird thing to have showers for multiple babies. Everyone does it. And I'm with everyone else. If you were a friend of mine, I would be getting a baby gift for you with or without the shower. Because who doesn't love shopping for babies?

If it's going to be mostly people he knows though, and since he's so excited about it (which is so sweet), your FI should come to make the gift opening less awkward.

bcashaw · April 2017

I totally agree with everyone here in that you should let them throw you a shower. That being said, it is for YOU not them ( even though it's totally for them) and I would personally put my foot down about the gift thing. Make it clear that's not something you're into. I would find some activities or suggest some games that could be done instead of gift opening for hours. Maybe it would help build your relationship with them a little if you tried to include yourself in the planning and just leave the gifting part out of it.
Also I think it's totally normal to have a shower ( or two or three) for every baby, and even if it wasn't it's been such a long time for you and you have a new life now, so I think it is totally appropriate timing wise to have a shower.
I know in laws can be totally frustrating and it makes it difficult to accept anything from them. So I totally get you there, plus it's so annoying that they are giving "you" a shower but are only willing to do it their way?

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