Gender anxieties anyone?

huzzahuzza · April 2017

Can we discuss any anxieties we're having about the gender we're having? Or even anxieties over not knowing?

huzzahuzza · April 2017

Disclaimer: This is not a "I'm not greatful for the baby I have" post but more of an "oh shit, I'm having a Girl and I don't know what to do with a girl" post.
Ever since I found out I was pg, I wanted a girl... not because I wouldn't be happy either way but because we need a little more femininity in our family. DH has all brothers, I have all brothers, and, so far, we only have nephews.
But lately, it's kinda hitting me! Oh.my.God. I'm having a little girl. And girls can be bitchy and mean and hormonal and difficult. And you can't say it's only during middle school because as a teacher, I can officially tell you, it's not!
And then there's the responsibility that comes with raising a Girl. "Don't be mean, but don't let people walk all over you." "Don't show off your body but be proud of what you're given." "Eat what you want but eat responsibly" All these mixed messages that we send girls at a very young age just keep swirling around in my head!!!

Is anyone else having moments of freakout like this? Just me? Okay, I'll go hide now.

meilay · April 2017

I think the world can sometimes still be a pretty cruel place to be a young girl/woman and sometimes that gives me anxiety. I love being a woman and think we're kick-ass, but whenever I see articles about young girls missing, sex trafficking, etc. it makes me a little nervous. I'm also a bit anxious about connecting with my H around raising her in the sense that he's already issuing these proclamations that I know are based in fear (she's not going away for college! she's not dating until ______!) and I don't want fear to be how we make decisions on how she's raised. It happened a lot for me growing up and only served to alienate me from my mom and make bad decisions anyway that I then didn't trust her to help me with. And, this is a smaller one but I don't know how to do hair! I feel like she's just going to live in 1-3 afro puffs most of the time. Three might actually be too ambitious. Lol.

Kylieslip24 · April 2017

I do and have basically since finding out dd is a girl. I've pretty much made it my mission to find the balance of raising a smart, strong, confident little lady. So far I think I've done ok. Now we're having a boy and I'm worried about the same things, but opposite. I want him to know he can cry. I want him to be strong, but to know he can still have weak moments. I want him to be confident, but not a jerk. I want him to know how to hold a baby and be soft and sweet too. I don't know. Raising kids either way is just scary. My biggest worry is reading. Dd is 3 and reading (sounding out) really good for her age. I could read "chapter books" by 4. I am a book worm. My brother read at 8 and still hates reading. Dh has dyslexia and hates reading too. I really want all my kids to love reading so I will be really focusing on that with ds. Not saying he has to read at 3 or anything, but I want him to love reading and want to learn. Also all the men on both sides of our families work in construction and depend on their bodies for income. My son can do anything he wants, but he has to have a back up plan just in case something happens and his body doesn't work anymore.

Stankonia2014 · April 2017

huzzahuzza said:

Disclaimer: This is not a "I'm not greatful for the baby I have" post but more of an "oh shit, I'm having a Girl and I don't know what to do with a girl" post.
Ever since I found out I was pg, I wanted a girl... not because I wouldn't be happy either way but because we need a little more femininity in our family. DH has all brothers, I have all brothers, and, so far, we only have nephews.
But lately, it's kinda hitting me! Oh.my.God. I'm having a little girl. And girls can be bitchy and mean and hormonal and difficult. And you can't say it's only during middle school because as a teacher, I can officially tell you, it's not!
And then there's the responsibility that comes with raising a Girl. "Don't be mean, but don't let people walk all over you." "Don't show off your body but be proud of what you're given." "Eat what you want but eat responsibly" All these mixed messages that we send girls at a very young age just keep swirling around in my head!!!

Is anyone else having moments of freakout like this? Just me? Okay, I'll go hide now.

to the bolded, as can boys. I'm currently raising three daughters (expecting a son) and at this point, I'm just trying to everything opposite of my parents. I have one brother and have zero idea how to raise girls (or children in general, I'm literally winging it).

I had the same fears as you raising daughters, especially given the issues (eating disorders, self-love, seeking the attention of boys, daddy issues, etc.) that I dealt with as a girl. I have no great words of wisdom, as I said, I'm just winging it myself, but being cognizant of the issues that you have faced as a girl and the mixed messages you mentioned above, is a step in the right direction as far as understanding your daughter and some of the issues she may face. I'm sure you'll be just fine.

teacher mom-2 · April 2017

One of my biggest fears having a daughter was "girly" things. I am not very good at being a girl LOL I don't know how to do hair, I still can't paint my nails without a mess, and suck at make-up and I feared I would be letting her down. I hoped she would be one of those bald babies. God gave me the a child with long hair and 3.5 years later, we did well. She is a well-rounded kid who has great hair and doesn't realize her toes are not painted because they are pink LOL Now we are having a boy and I worry about not doing proper penis care LOL I never had to take care of one of those before. I know we will figure it out though like we did DD. I am a teacher who has seen every kind of personality and character trait with boys and girls so that does not worry me.

anitamargarita_82 · April 2017

Nope sure don't have these anxieties. I'm beyond grateful and over the moon about my daughter especially given all that we've been through during pregnancy and now as a preemie in the nicu. Im just happy to have a baby and even happier that she's thriving in the nicu. I personally think this thread is not helpful to anyone. There will always be issues regardless of what sex your child is. Teaching a man to be a man or dealing with your little girls "bitchy" mean and difficult ways.

CurlyMommy416 · April 2017

Call me crazy- but I feel like if you nurture your kids, love them, show them how to be a good person, and to be confident in themselves, it shouldn't matter their sex. I can understand being anxious, especially if you've only raised/been surrounded by boys/girls, but I can tell you that you don't have to be "gender specific" in how you live your life. You don't have to be good at painting nails and doing hair to have a successful relationship with your daughter, you don't have to understand the rules to football or be good at video games to have a successful relationship with your son. I know that gender stereotypes are in place for a reason, but that doesn't necessarily mean that your kid will fit into whatever social construct they've been born into. My DD loves the Avengers, my DS will sit and do crafts with me all day. This block of text is really just meant to say- it's okay to have anxieties, but as long as you're invested in their interests and show them you care, you'll be an amazing mom

mombod · April 2017

I have the same anxieties I had with my son but am now have a girl. Will I be able to raise a good, kind, respectful person? Will I be able to teach them independence without being distant? Will I be able to teach them to be loving, gentle, compassionate while still being assertive, passionate, and confident? If they struggle will I be able to help without making them feel as if I am dissappointed or judging? Will I be able to provide more than I had growing up but avoid spoiling them or making them entitled? Basically am I good enough?
The fact that you care proves youre already good enough. I grew up without a dad. For kids, being present (physically and emotionally) is enough.

longhairdntcare · April 2017

huzzahuzza said:

Disclaimer: This is not a "I'm not greatful for the baby I have" post but more of an "oh shit, I'm having a Girl and I don't know what to do with a girl" post.
Ever since I found out I was pg, I wanted a girl... not because I wouldn't be happy either way but because we need a little more femininity in our family. DH has all brothers, I have all brothers, and, so far, we only have nephews.
But lately, it's kinda hitting me! Oh.my.God. I'm having a little girl. And girls can be bitchy and mean and hormonal and difficult. And you can't say it's only during middle school because as a teacher, I can officially tell you, it's not!
And then there's the responsibility that comes with raising a Girl. "Don't be mean, but don't let people walk all over you." "Don't show off your body but be proud of what you're given." "Eat what you want but eat responsibly" All these mixed messages that we send girls at a very young age just keep swirling around in my head!!!

Is anyone else having moments of freakout like this? Just me? Okay, I'll go hide now.

Lurking from July - I'm confused. Why would the bolded only apply to raising a girl? Raise your kid to be a good person and make smart decisions, regardless of their sex. The end.

huzzahuzza · April 2017

Wearmi1 said:

Nope sure don't have these anxieties. I'm beyond grateful and over the moon about my daughter especially given all that we've been through during pregnancy and now as a preemie in the nicu. Im just happy to have a baby and even happier that she's thriving in the nicu. I personally think this thread is not helpful to anyone. There will always be issues regardless of what sex your child is. Teaching a man to be a man or dealing with your little girls "bitchy" mean and difficult ways.

Meh. I've always been one who needs to vent/air/get out my fears and anxieties. I actually see more damage in not getting them out and it helps to know that others are having/had the same thoughts. If this thread doesn't help you, then fine.

I didn't have these fears with my son. But I think having the experience of being a girl and knowing more of the issues my own gender faces AND having been a victim of bullying by girls, it has made this little girl a little more scary for me. Plus when I was a FTM, I had total confidence I would do everything right because I knew what everyone else was doing wrong! LOL

huzzahuzza · April 2017

rae1-3 said:

huzzahuzza said:

Disclaimer: This is not a "I'm not greatful for the baby I have" post but more of an "oh shit, I'm having a Girl and I don't know what to do with a girl" post.
Ever since I found out I was pg, I wanted a girl... not because I wouldn't be happy either way but because we need a little more femininity in our family. DH has all brothers, I have all brothers, and, so far, we only have nephews.
But lately, it's kinda hitting me! Oh.my.God. I'm having a little girl. And girls can be bitchy and mean and hormonal and difficult. And you can't say it's only during middle school because as a teacher, I can officially tell you, it's not!
And then there's the responsibility that comes with raising a Girl. "Don't be mean, but don't let people walk all over you." "Don't show off your body but be proud of what you're given." "Eat what you want but eat responsibly" All these mixed messages that we send girls at a very young age just keep swirling around in my head!!!

Is anyone else having moments of freakout like this? Just me? Okay, I'll go hide now.

Lurking from July - I'm confused. Why would the bolded only apply to raising a girl? Raise your kid to be a good person and make smart decisions, regardless of their sex. The end.

No, not necessarily, bit I do feel like they are emphasized a bit for girls... but I also don't know what it's like to be a man so I guess I don't know.

CurlyMommy416 · April 2017

Also yeah, I was going to let the whole "girls can be bitchy and mean and hormonal and difficult" go- but. I can't. But also I can't figure out how to politely say saying those things about girls is a step in the super wrong direction- what kind of preconceived attitude to have.

mamaelle27 · April 2017

It's normal to have anxieties about being a good enough parent and raising your child to be a good person in a crazy world, but that doesn't depend on whether your child is a boy or girl. At the end of the day all you can do is model good behavior for your child and embrace whatever their individual traits are and help them flourish.

mrt · April 2017

I'm just worried about her hair. I can't even do my own hair nicely. When my boys hair gets unruly, I just buzz it off. I feel like she won't appreciate that as she's old enough to notice.

ellie111227 · April 2017

At this point I don't really have room for anxieties that far in the future. I'm mostly concerned with "Will this baby be alive and healthy when it is born?," maybe extending out as far as, "Will this baby learn to breastfeed without gnawing straight through my nipples?" I do get having concerns specific to having a girl, but mine for my daughter have always focused the negative impact on her life of people who think things like that "girls can be bitchy and mean and hormonal and difficult."

FSUNole31 · April 2017

Well the vaccine poll didn't spice things up, but this looks like it may ladies

Elyse1384 · April 2017

As others have said, I share the same anxieties with this pregnancy as I did with my prior regardless of the child's sex (I'm Team Green). I'm a tomboy so I kind of understand the worry of "will I know what to do with a girl", but the truth of the matter is that I share who I am with my kids and don't change approach based on the sex organs possessed by whom I'm speaking with. I share my likes, dislikes, morals, guidance, rules, expectations, life experience, etc. I don't give my son different rules or treatment than I give my daughter. As a woman, I feel that is step 1 to ensuring equality. Don't treat someone different based on whether they have a penis or vagina. All kids have different interests, personalities and traits regardless of the aforementioned organs. I don't want to go in with any assumptions.

I also don't recommend going into motherhood with the mentality of "girls can be bitchy". Those unfair statements perpetuate unfair stereotypes. It goes back to what I was mentioning before as one should just teach child as an individual. I'm not so naive as to think girls/women won't face issues men can't begin to fathom, but the same can be said for boys/men. I almost fear that more as I don't always know or imagine what a boy might go through nor do I know the best way to manage that since I'm not a man. Boys get bullied too. Boys can have unfair or unrealistic expectations placed on them too. Parenting is difficult no matter the sex of the child. Try not to fixate on how the sex of the baby will impact parenting, but rather how this new little human's unique personality, needs, traits, etc may require you to shift approach in parenting tactics (and that's not a bad thing).

erinh84 · April 2017

I'm really annoyed by the "girls can be bitchy and mean and hormonal and difficult" statement. Stereotypes like that tend to be rooted in misogyny. What I mean by that is, usually when girls are strong willed, independent thinkers who express strong opinions, men(and sadly alot of women) will throw out the "oh she's just being a bitch" or "oh it must be that time of the month" card to make girls/women feel invalid or inferior. I sincerely hope you will not project things like that on your daughter.

edited for spelling

Stankonia2014 · April 2017

Listen, kids in general can be assholes, hormonal, mean, and difficult. If you think that's just a 'girl' thing, then I'll pray for you. (I really won't because I don't pray, but still.)

doodleoodle · April 2017

Kids in general can be jerks. Both sexes go through the terrible twos, hormonal changes as teenagers, etc. I've made a conscious effort to not take a stereotypical approach to parenting my daughter. I compliment her on being smart, strong, funny, as well as being pretty. She wears blue and green as often as she wears pink and purple. Her two favorite toys are a baby doll and a Little People dump truck. I also am unafraid to tell family members when they need to fall back. My FIL in particular has made comments to 17 month old DD about watching what she eats etc. and that doesn't fly (nor would it if she were a boy). I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should just look at your daughter as a child and not just a little girl.

lifeislove87 · April 2017

Yah, my current anxiety is more around everything being okay but I know that has more to do with spending the last 10 weeks on bedrest and wondering multiple times this pregnancy if I'll have a take home baby (but I suppose that's my PGAL brain). IMO you raise girls the same way you raise boys, people are people and there aren't any traits specific to any sex/gender. Oh except getting peed on, that's definitely a hazard of being a boy mom.

huzzahuzza · April 2017

Wow! I lose internet connection and I return to...well I guess the drama you've all been wanting!

Thank you for helping me realize that I, myself, probably have some gender stereotypes that I need to deal with. And thank you for helping me realize that the internet is probably not a safe place to vent these fears.

I have a constant issue with foot-in-mouth syndrome. I'm hoping you can take my original this post as that.

lmudra · April 2017

Sorry ladies, looks like the post isn't turning up as much as we thought. Seems like everyone in June likes to own their misgivings. Way to be June!!!

meilay · April 2017

I shared something too personal and changed my mind. Thank goodness for west coast time. I'm sure a lot of folks are sleeping right now.

mezalune · April 2017

My bigger anxiety on this topic is that this is my second son. I'm ecstatic to have two boys but keep going back to "will I want to try for a girl in a few years?" (Obviously knowing there's no guarantee.) Personally I'd rather just say "Ok, we're done here!" And move on with our family of 4. But another part of me wonders if I'll have that thought down the line... I've told DH that if we don't decide this is it and get me a tubal now (assuming I have a RCS ) then he's responsible for a snip when the decision is made. You can imagine his preference!

Wino0920 · April 2017

huzzahuzza said:

Wow! I lose internet connection and I return to...well I guess the drama you've all been wanting!

Thank you for helping me realize that I, myself, probably have some gender stereotypes that I need to deal with. And thank you for helping me realize that the internet is probably not a safe place to vent these fears.

I have a constant issue with foot-in-mouth syndrome. I'm hoping you can take my original this post as that.

I don't think gender or sex stereotypes are bad, but your wording of bitchy and hormonal probably weren't the best to use.

I am guilty of using men and women stereotypes, but when coming to raising my daughter (if I have one) I probably won't assume she will be a hormonal witch. I have two boys and they bring up just as much.

I do agree there are different worries to raising boys and girls, but at the end of the day you are raising a person so same rules apply.

Confession: my mom and I have a joke going right now that I'm dead if this is a girl. This will be my mom's ultimate revenge and she will sit back and laugh. I was a horrible teenager with all the rages and all badness. I am constantly joking that she will give me what I gave my poor mom times 100!

huzzahuzza · April 2017

I couldn't really sleep last night because... well... I'm pregnant but also this thread made me feel pretty crappy.

My fear stems from 2 places:
A) Not necessarily that my child will be bitchy and hormonal (I know my op sounds that way) but that my child(ren) will have to deal with some of the same types of bitchy and hormonal that I did... and I still don't know how to combat that. And the more I thought about that last night the more I realized it is a fear I have raising both my children, not just my girl... but then there's...

I won't be able to be the roll model that my little girl needs in this world to deal with the kind of hurt and pain that people can dole out. My son has my wonderful husband that he can look up to but, let's face it, boys ARE different than girls and we all need someone that we look up to. I'm afraid that my daughter won't be able to see me that way.

@Wino0920 AND That! Lol My mom and I had a rocky relationship when I was a teenager into a little bit of college. I'm well aware that parenting karma could come and bite me in the ass with this child!!!

Stankonia2014 · April 2017

At the end of the day being an adequate parent is usually forefront on most parent's minds. Again, the fact that you even care shows you are already a step ahead in the parental game. Everyone has anxiety and yours are totally valid.

I can attest to having a daughter just like me. My mother said the magical words and sure as shit, DD1 is just like me and boy does she test me and make me question my parenting capabilities. We're in the thick of puberty and I can't drink my way through it. Wah!

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