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Pregnant after IF
dragonfaerie
member
Birth Story
dragonfaerie
member
As part of my self-care/therapy, I wanted to write out my labor and birth story. It did not go at all as planned, and it has taken me a long time to even think about my son's birth without tearing up. We are both healthy and happy, but there are complications mentioned below.
On my last OB appt, January 18th, my OB highly recommended I see about getting induced as she was concerned with how big I was measuring. I merely nodded and said "okay" with no intention of following through, as I know that measurements are often incorrect. I had been prepping for a natural labor with the assistance of a doula and Hypnobirthing, and I was not going to start out with an intervention, even a natural one like acupuncture. My birth plan included waiting until contractions were 4 minutes apart before going to the hospital and using natural labor techniques (in other words, don't bug me about an epidural, etc.) On that day, I was 1cm dilated and 70% effaced. The next day, my mucus plug came out, so I knew we were only days away. I had a few contractions over the next few days, but they were minor and had no schedule. On Monday, January 23rd, at 3:45am, I woke suddenly, and then something told me "get up, get to the bathroom now!" I hurried up, and my water broke in the bathroom. I had my first "real" contraction at that point. After cleaning myself (and the bathroom) up, I went to my husband and woke him, letting him know he would not be going to work that day. I called my doula and the doctor on call, and then we got up and made waffles. The doctor wanted me to come in right away, but I asked for permission to stay at home for a little bit, which was granted, but they wanted me in sooner rather than later. My husband and I worked on laboring and moving things along, but the doctor then insisted I come in, so at 9:30am, we hugged my mom goodbye and checked in at the hospital.
I was hooked up to a monitor to confirm that both myself and my LO were doing fine, which we were. But when the doctor checked my cervix, I was still only 1cm dilated. We continued laboring, my contractions were not too painful and I was able to get up and move around, take a bath, etc. At 1:00pm, I was still only 1cm, and my doctor informed me that she felt scar tissue in my cervix, similar to what would be there after a procedure for dysplasia (which I had several years ago.) She told me that she could break through the scar tissue and it would likely progress my dilation immediately. I called my doula and after the three of us discussed it, we agreed and at 1:45pm, she broke through and I was instantly at 3cm.
Contractions started getting more painful, and my doula joined us at the hospital. I continued to soak in the bath, walk the halls, and use other techniques to progress. When I was checked around 4, I had not gotten to 4cm, and my doctor was pushing for Pitocin to help my contractions be more effective. We asked for some more time. At 5pm, we had a new nurse, who was not told that we were supposed to make a decision about Pitocin and only knew that we wanted a natural labor, so she mostly left us alone. The doctor was in surgery so was not there to force our hand. At 7:00pm, the nurse sheepishly came in and said that the doctor had wanted us on Pitocin hours ago, and how did I feel about that? At this point, many of my contractions were in my back, making it impossible to brace for them and extremely painful. I reluctantly agreed and, knowing that Pitocin would make my contractions worse, I also asked for an epidural. I received
both by 9pm, and settled in to get as much rest as possible. My doula went home, leaving instructions for us to call her once we got to 8cm. The next morning at 4am I was between 7cm and 8cm, but our LO was facing the wrong direction. I was helped into polar bear position to try to get him to spin. With the epidural, I could no longer walk around, but we used pillows and medicine balls to help me labor in different positions.
Around 11am, I was at 9cm, and not going anywhere. I had a lip in my cervix, and the doctor said we might be able to manipulate it and have me push that last little bit to fully dilated. With my husband, doula, doctor, and another nurse, I braced and pushed for about 15 minutes. The doctor informed me that the intervention had not worked. We were at more than 30 hours of labor, and it was time for a c-section. I had to agree, knowing that my body was spent and although LO was doing okay now, neither of us could take much more. The doctor went to check the surgery schedule to see when we could go in while I got back into polar bear position, and cried about this final decision that was the last thing I had wanted, and what finally was throwing out our entire birth plan.
The doctor came back almost immediately and handed my husband scrubs "We have room now, let's do this." As we rolled to surgery, I sang "The Final Countdown" to keep my mind off my fear, and as they prepped me I sang "Don't Stop Me Now." I then repeated over and over "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." The nurse showed me how I wouldn't be able to feel anything, set up a mirror, and my husband turned on "Standing By" by Pentatonix, which has been my anthem through IVF and my pregnancy. Pentatonix' "Hallelujah" played when I saw my son for the first time at 12:04pm. At that point, my blood pressure dropped so quickly, I struggled to stay awake, even as I was asking to hold him. They brought him to me after a quick check in, and after 32 hours of labor, I finally got to hold my little boy.
Afterward, I struggled with trying to nurse and the turmoil of emotions: happiness and joy, but also sadness at how things had gone and anger that I didn't get to hold him immediately. I spent four days in the hospital, again struggling with feeling like a failure as we had to supplement with donor milk while my body fought to catch up, sleepiness from the 1 liter of blood that I had lost, sleeplessness as we were checked on every couple of hours, and pain.
Now, 6 weeks later, I still cry a little bit when I think about how everything happened. Platitudes like "at least we are both healthy" do nothing to assuage the anger at my body for not doing what it was supposed to, the guilt that I should have done more to get what I wanted, and the frustration at the recovery process and lingering pain. I know it was the best possible outcome. I know that I am so fortunate that my son is healthy and strong, and that I have managed to lose all of my baby weight before even setting foot in a gym. I can even be a bit grateful for how everything happened, because now I know what every type of labor is like and when it comes time for Baby Number 2, I will be more prepared for every eventuality. But long after my scar fades and my baby is walking and talking, I will mourn what should have been. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and the God of hope and peace will bring me both in time.
On my last OB appt, January 18th, my OB highly recommended I see about getting induced as she was concerned with how big I was measuring. I merely nodded and said "okay" with no intention of following through, as I know that measurements are often incorrect. I had been prepping for a natural labor with the assistance of a doula and Hypnobirthing, and I was not going to start out with an intervention, even a natural one like acupuncture. My birth plan included waiting until contractions were 4 minutes apart before going to the hospital and using natural labor techniques (in other words, don't bug me about an epidural, etc.) On that day, I was 1cm dilated and 70% effaced. The next day, my mucus plug came out, so I knew we were only days away. I had a few contractions over the next few days, but they were minor and had no schedule. On Monday, January 23rd, at 3:45am, I woke suddenly, and then something told me "get up, get to the bathroom now!" I hurried up, and my water broke in the bathroom. I had my first "real" contraction at that point. After cleaning myself (and the bathroom) up, I went to my husband and woke him, letting him know he would not be going to work that day. I called my doula and the doctor on call, and then we got up and made waffles. The doctor wanted me to come in right away, but I asked for permission to stay at home for a little bit, which was granted, but they wanted me in sooner rather than later. My husband and I worked on laboring and moving things along, but the doctor then insisted I come in, so at 9:30am, we hugged my mom goodbye and checked in at the hospital.
I was hooked up to a monitor to confirm that both myself and my LO were doing fine, which we were. But when the doctor checked my cervix, I was still only 1cm dilated. We continued laboring, my contractions were not too painful and I was able to get up and move around, take a bath, etc. At 1:00pm, I was still only 1cm, and my doctor informed me that she felt scar tissue in my cervix, similar to what would be there after a procedure for dysplasia (which I had several years ago.) She told me that she could break through the scar tissue and it would likely progress my dilation immediately. I called my doula and after the three of us discussed it, we agreed and at 1:45pm, she broke through and I was instantly at 3cm.
Contractions started getting more painful, and my doula joined us at the hospital. I continued to soak in the bath, walk the halls, and use other techniques to progress. When I was checked around 4, I had not gotten to 4cm, and my doctor was pushing for Pitocin to help my contractions be more effective. We asked for some more time. At 5pm, we had a new nurse, who was not told that we were supposed to make a decision about Pitocin and only knew that we wanted a natural labor, so she mostly left us alone. The doctor was in surgery so was not there to force our hand. At 7:00pm, the nurse sheepishly came in and said that the doctor had wanted us on Pitocin hours ago, and how did I feel about that? At this point, many of my contractions were in my back, making it impossible to brace for them and extremely painful. I reluctantly agreed and, knowing that Pitocin would make my contractions worse, I also asked for an epidural. I received
both by 9pm, and settled in to get as much rest as possible. My doula went home, leaving instructions for us to call her once we got to 8cm. The next morning at 4am I was between 7cm and 8cm, but our LO was facing the wrong direction. I was helped into polar bear position to try to get him to spin. With the epidural, I could no longer walk around, but we used pillows and medicine balls to help me labor in different positions.
Around 11am, I was at 9cm, and not going anywhere. I had a lip in my cervix, and the doctor said we might be able to manipulate it and have me push that last little bit to fully dilated. With my husband, doula, doctor, and another nurse, I braced and pushed for about 15 minutes. The doctor informed me that the intervention had not worked. We were at more than 30 hours of labor, and it was time for a c-section. I had to agree, knowing that my body was spent and although LO was doing okay now, neither of us could take much more. The doctor went to check the surgery schedule to see when we could go in while I got back into polar bear position, and cried about this final decision that was the last thing I had wanted, and what finally was throwing out our entire birth plan.
The doctor came back almost immediately and handed my husband scrubs "We have room now, let's do this." As we rolled to surgery, I sang "The Final Countdown" to keep my mind off my fear, and as they prepped me I sang "Don't Stop Me Now." I then repeated over and over "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." The nurse showed me how I wouldn't be able to feel anything, set up a mirror, and my husband turned on "Standing By" by Pentatonix, which has been my anthem through IVF and my pregnancy. Pentatonix' "Hallelujah" played when I saw my son for the first time at 12:04pm. At that point, my blood pressure dropped so quickly, I struggled to stay awake, even as I was asking to hold him. They brought him to me after a quick check in, and after 32 hours of labor, I finally got to hold my little boy.
Afterward, I struggled with trying to nurse and the turmoil of emotions: happiness and joy, but also sadness at how things had gone and anger that I didn't get to hold him immediately. I spent four days in the hospital, again struggling with feeling like a failure as we had to supplement with donor milk while my body fought to catch up, sleepiness from the 1 liter of blood that I had lost, sleeplessness as we were checked on every couple of hours, and pain.
Now, 6 weeks later, I still cry a little bit when I think about how everything happened. Platitudes like "at least we are both healthy" do nothing to assuage the anger at my body for not doing what it was supposed to, the guilt that I should have done more to get what I wanted, and the frustration at the recovery process and lingering pain. I know it was the best possible outcome. I know that I am so fortunate that my son is healthy and strong, and that I have managed to lose all of my baby weight before even setting foot in a gym. I can even be a bit grateful for how everything happened, because now I know what every type of labor is like and when it comes time for Baby Number 2, I will be more prepared for every eventuality. But long after my scar fades and my baby is walking and talking, I will mourn what should have been. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and the God of hope and peace will bring me both in time.
---Trigger warning---
Me: 31 DH: 27
TTC since April 2013
Two cancelled IUIs in Aug and Sept '15 due to low motility/count
IVF round 1: January 2016
ER: February 17, 2016; 9 retrieved, 7 mature, 7 fertilized
Day 5 Blastocysts: 5 BB, 1 AB, all normal from PGS
FET date: May 11, '16; transferred 1 AB embryo
First beta: May 23, '16: 998!! Second: May 25, '16: 1648
EDD: January 27, 2017
TTC since April 2013
Two cancelled IUIs in Aug and Sept '15 due to low motility/count
IVF round 1: January 2016
ER: February 17, 2016; 9 retrieved, 7 mature, 7 fertilized
Day 5 Blastocysts: 5 BB, 1 AB, all normal from PGS
FET date: May 11, '16; transferred 1 AB embryo
First beta: May 23, '16: 998!! Second: May 25, '16: 1648
EDD: January 27, 2017
Re: Birth Story
Me: 34, DH: 38 ~ TTC since 2014
IUI #1-3 (Nov 2015, Feb 2016, May 2016) = BFNs
IVF ER (July 2016) = 7 PGS normal embryos
FET #1 (Sept 2016) = BFP! DD born 5/30/17
FET #2 (April 2019) = BFN
FET #3 (July 2019) = BFP! DS born 3/27/20
Writting it down is definitely good, any chance you can have a conversation with one of the nurses or doctor of that day?
I did with mine, as somethings I did not agree with. Talking to her about it and hearing why certain things were done (apperantly my situation was much more of an emergency than what I thought) helped putting certain things into place.
Pia is now 5 months, and I'd like to say it gets better by time, but I think it just something that stays with you, only you think about it less often.
Think you did a fantastic job, you cooked a handsome little boy for 9 months, and it has been a joy following your journey and still being able to stalk you on FB
**********************************************************************************************************************************
TTC since Oct 2013
IVF round 1 January 2016 (w/ ICSI)
ER: February 17, 2016; 15 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 11 fertilized
Day 5 Blastocysts: 8 sent for PGS - 5 Normal
FET date: April 12, 2016 - DS born Dec 7, 2016
IVF round 2: FET : Oct 4 - 1st Beta 188!
He sure thinks we are as He put us through tremendous tough times. But bad-ass we are!
**********************************************************************************************************************************
Me: 37, DH:39
August 2016: Started Stims 8/22
September 2016: Egg Retrieval 9/4 | 13 Mature Eggs | 10 Fertilized | 3 Blastocytes | 1 PGS Normal Embaby
November 7, 2016: FET - BFP!
EDD 7/25/17
Zoey Alexis born 7/25/17 @ 12:39 PM | 7lbs 14oz | 19 inches
As I've mentioned in our other thread my birth didn't go at all as planned either . I had wanted a natural birth but long story short ended up with two epidurals (one failed) and an emergency c section after a difficult labor and pushing for two hours . When I couldn't see my baby at first my heart was broken and then when they brought him to me I didn't want to look at him . I don't even know why . Something in me felt ashamed and just terrified that I had messed something up . I couldn't look at my scar for a very long time .. like I was in denial about how things went down . As time passes i am feeling better about the whole thing and of course am also grateful I have one healthy miracle in my arms . I think it really helps to write about my experience so I'm really glad you were able to share yours .
**BFP and loss warning**
@tvh1982 At my 6-week visit, I met with the doc who did my c-section. At that point, I understood more that with surgery, things can't be the way you would expect (i.e. delayed cord clamping, immediate s2s, etc.) I am seeing her today for my well visit, so I may bring up c-section protocol again, just to make sure for next time.
---Trigger warning---
TTC since April 2013
Two cancelled IUIs in Aug and Sept '15 due to low motility/count
IVF round 1: January 2016
ER: February 17, 2016; 9 retrieved, 7 mature, 7 fertilized
Day 5 Blastocysts: 5 BB, 1 AB, all normal from PGS
FET date: May 11, '16; transferred 1 AB embryo
First beta: May 23, '16: 998!! Second: May 25, '16: 1648
EDD: January 27, 2017
Started TTC April 2011
Me: 32, DH: 32
Diagnosis: Endometriosis
- - -
I'm a YouTube vlogger who talks about Infertility, IVF and Endometriosis. Check it out here!
Follow along at http://liv4today.blog
Instagram @liv4todayvlog
Me 39 DH44
1st DE FET 5/16-BFN
2nd DE FET 7/18-BFP
8/17 Baby HR 140/min EDD 4/6/17
I also have scar tissue on my cervix from a surgery a few years ago so I know I may not dilate naturally.
My plan (which I really need to get on to!) will be complicated. Ideally I'd love to be at the local birthing center with minimal medical intervention (birth pool, gas...) but I also need to prepare for other possibilities so my partner and midwife know my wishes if we do need a CS.
After all the heartache and betrayal I feel towards my body for failing to get pregnant I feel like I deserve an easy birth but unfortunately that's not how life works!