Birth Story

dragonfaerie

As part of my self-care/therapy, I wanted to write out my labor and birth story. It did not go at all as planned, and it has taken me a long time to even think about my son's birth without tearing up. We are both healthy and happy, but there are complications mentioned below.

On my last OB appt, January 18th, my OB highly recommended I see about getting induced as she was concerned with how big I was measuring. I merely nodded and said "okay" with no intention of following through, as I know that measurements are often incorrect. I had been prepping for a natural labor with the assistance of a doula and Hypnobirthing, and I was not going to start out with an intervention, even a natural one like acupuncture. My birth plan included waiting until contractions were 4 minutes apart before going to the hospital and using natural labor techniques (in other words, don't bug me about an epidural, etc.) On that day, I was 1cm dilated and 70% effaced. The next day, my mucus plug came out, so I knew we were only days away. I had a few contractions over the next few days, but they were minor and had no schedule. On Monday, January 23rd, at 3:45am, I woke suddenly, and then something told me "get up, get to the bathroom now!" I hurried up, and my water broke in the bathroom. I had my first "real" contraction at that point. After cleaning myself (and the bathroom) up, I went to my husband and woke him, letting him know he would not be going to work that day. I called my doula and the doctor on call, and then we got up and made waffles. The doctor wanted me to come in right away, but I asked for permission to stay at home for a little bit, which was granted, but they wanted me in sooner rather than later. My husband and I worked on laboring and moving things along, but the doctor then insisted I come in, so at 9:30am, we hugged my mom goodbye and checked in at the hospital.
I was hooked up to a monitor to confirm that both myself and my LO were doing fine, which we were. But when the doctor checked my cervix, I was still only 1cm dilated. We continued laboring, my contractions were not too painful and I was able to get up and move around, take a bath, etc. At 1:00pm, I was still only 1cm, and my doctor informed me that she felt scar tissue in my cervix, similar to what would be there after a procedure for dysplasia (which I had several years ago.) She told me that she could break through the scar tissue and it would likely progress my dilation immediately. I called my doula and after the three of us discussed it, we agreed and at 1:45pm, she broke through and I was instantly at 3cm.
Contractions started getting more painful, and my doula joined us at the hospital. I continued to soak in the bath, walk the halls, and use other techniques to progress. When I was checked around 4, I had not gotten to 4cm, and my doctor was pushing for Pitocin to help my contractions be more effective. We asked for some more time. At 5pm, we had a new nurse, who was not told that we were supposed to make a decision about Pitocin and only knew that we wanted a natural labor, so she mostly left us alone. The doctor was in surgery so was not there to force our hand. At 7:00pm, the nurse sheepishly came in and said that the doctor had wanted us on Pitocin hours ago, and how did I feel about that? At this point, many of my contractions were in my back, making it impossible to brace for them and extremely painful. I reluctantly agreed and, knowing that Pitocin would make my contractions worse, I also asked for an epidural. I received
both by 9pm, and settled in to get as much rest as possible. My doula went home, leaving instructions for us to call her once we got to 8cm. The next morning at 4am I was between 7cm and 8cm, but our LO was facing the wrong direction. I was helped into polar bear position to try to get him to spin. With the epidural, I could no longer walk around, but we used pillows and medicine balls to help me labor in different positions.
Around 11am, I was at 9cm, and not going anywhere. I had a lip in my cervix, and the doctor said we might be able to manipulate it and have me push that last little bit to fully dilated. With my husband, doula, doctor, and another nurse, I braced and pushed for about 15 minutes. The doctor informed me that the intervention had not worked. We were at more than 30 hours of labor, and it was time for a c-section. I had to agree, knowing that my body was spent and although LO was doing okay now, neither of us could take much more. The doctor went to check the surgery schedule to see when we could go in while I got back into polar bear position, and cried about this final decision that was the last thing I had wanted, and what finally was throwing out our entire birth plan.
The doctor came back almost immediately and handed my husband scrubs "We have room now, let's do this." As we rolled to surgery, I sang "The Final Countdown" to keep my mind off my fear, and as they prepped me I sang "Don't Stop Me Now." I then repeated over and over "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." The nurse showed me how I wouldn't be able to feel anything, set up a mirror, and my husband turned on "Standing By" by Pentatonix, which has been my anthem through IVF and my pregnancy. Pentatonix' "Hallelujah" played when I saw my son for the first time at 12:04pm. At that point, my blood pressure dropped so quickly, I struggled to stay awake, even as I was asking to hold him. They brought him to me after a quick check in, and after 32 hours of labor, I finally got to hold my little boy.
Afterward, I struggled with trying to nurse and the turmoil of emotions: happiness and joy, but also sadness at how things had gone and anger that I didn't get to hold him immediately. I spent four days in the hospital, again struggling with feeling like a failure as we had to supplement with donor milk while my body fought to catch up, sleepiness from the 1 liter of blood that I had lost, sleeplessness as we were checked on every couple of hours, and pain.

Now, 6 weeks later, I still cry a little bit when I think about how everything happened. Platitudes like "at least we are both healthy" do nothing to assuage the anger at my body for not doing what it was supposed to, the guilt that I should have done more to get what I wanted, and the frustration at the recovery process and lingering pain. I know it was the best possible outcome. I know that I am so fortunate that my son is healthy and strong, and that I have managed to lose all of my baby weight before even setting foot in a gym. I can even be a bit grateful for how everything happened, because now I know what every type of labor is like and when it comes time for Baby Number 2, I will be more prepared for every eventuality. But long after my scar fades and my baby is walking and talking, I will mourn what should have been. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and the God of hope and peace will bring me both in time.

wifeinraleigh28

Congratulations on your healthy baby boy!  I'm so sorry things didn't go according to the plan. I've heard this happens quite frequently actually, and I anticipate this being a reality for me too. But, mama, you certainly did do everything you could have done to get the birth that you wanted, and there really wasn't anything more that you could've done. There is a reason c-sections have been around since ancient civilizations, because it is so common that a vaginal delivery just isn't possible. We must trust in our doctors to make decisions that are best for us and the baby, and the fact that you did that (trusting in them) shows your strength as well. I'm glad to hear that you and your little boy are doing so well!

tvh1982

I'm sorry to read your struggles with how your labour went, unfortunately I can very much relate.
Writting it down is definitely good, any chance you can have a conversation with one of the nurses or doctor of that day?
I did with mine, as somethings I did not agree with. Talking to her about it and hearing why certain things were done (apperantly my situation was much more of an emergency than what I thought) helped putting certain things into place.
Pia is now 5 months, and I'd like to say it gets better by time, but I think it just something that stays with you, only you think about it less often.
Think you did a fantastic job, you cooked a handsome little boy for 9 months, and it has been a joy following your journey and still being able to stalk you on FB

Griffin5413

You are seriously a rock star! I can definitely relate to not having things go the way that I planned and after 23 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing I was in the same place. While I am so grateful that Eli was happy and healthy, I definitely feel like my body didn't do what it was supposed to do. Hoping you find more peace and understanding around Riley's birth. God knew what he was doing even if we don't

tvh1982

He sure thinks we are as He put us through tremendous tough times. But bad-ass we are!

byrneme

What a powerful and courageous story - thank you for sharing and congratulations again

mskeenan

Thank you so much for sharing your story . It is nice to know I am not alone in similar feelings . I'm so sorry you are struggling with this though . I know how hard it is to come to peace with the fact that things didn't go even close to what was planned . But when I read your story I can't help but think you are one badass for making it through everything . Seriously , you made it through IF and a very difficult birth and now you are rocking being a mom to a beautiful boy . 

As I've mentioned in our other thread my birth didn't go at all as planned either . I had wanted a natural birth but long story short ended up with two epidurals (one failed) and an emergency c section after a difficult labor and pushing for two hours . When I couldn't see my baby at first my heart was broken and then when they brought him to me I didn't want to look at him . I don't even know why . Something in me felt ashamed and just terrified that I had messed something up . I couldn't look at my scar for a very long time .. like I was in denial about how things went down . As time passes i am feeling better about the whole thing and of course am also grateful I have one healthy miracle in my arms . I think it really helps to write about my experience so I'm really glad you were able to share yours . 

dragonfaerie

Thank you everybody. I wrote this out a month ago and only just posted it. I am feeling better and more at peace, but it is certainly a process. 
@tvh1982 At my 6-week visit, I met with the doc who did my c-section. At that point, I understood more that with surgery, things can't be the way you would expect (i.e. delayed cord clamping, immediate s2s, etc.) I am seeing her today for my well visit, so I may bring up c-section protocol again,  just to make sure for next time. 

oxinfree

Thank you for showing the strength to share your story @dragonfaerie I'm so very sorry that things didn't go remotely according to play. I can imagine the mix of emotions you are feeling, and it in no way takes away from your gratefulness for a healthy baby. So much is so out of our control and after going through IVF we know this more than most, but at the same time we almost just hope for a smooth labor & delivery in exchange for our years of battling infertility. I hope you find some peace and understanding for what you went through and in time come to a place of peace about it without the negative feelings you currently harbor. Sending big hugs. Congratulations on the birth of your son! You are one tough mama!

2legbaby

@dragonfaerie thank you for sharing your story. I remember when you first had your little man that you had a great deal of emotions regarding the delivery. Based on your experience I tried to go into my delivery very open-minded so that I didn't have expectations that however she came out the safest was the best way for us. I wanted to try natural birth but was open to an epidural if it got too tough. Even with that preparation in mind after I reach 7 centimeters I decided to get an epidural. Right after this her heart rate plummeted and there was several moments of panic by the nurses and stat paging of the doctors. After the epidural my contractions then slowed down so I had to go on Pitocin and when it came time to push her heart rate was still sensitive so they had to do an episiotomy to get her out quickly. I didn't care about having interventions if needed but my biggest regret is that my decision to take the epidural led to her being compromised and I have felt very guilty about this. In all the labor and delivery classes they make it sound like the epidural doesn't affect them but I have had three women tell me that the same thing happened to their babies after receiving one and one of my friends had to have a C-section because of concerns with the baby. She is out safe for which we are so very thankful but like you I wish that it had happened to little differently. Hugs!

nellin-2

Thanks for sharing your story and I'm sorry things didn't go as planned. Recovering from a long labor and an emergency CS is tough on your body.
I also have scar tissue on my cervix from a surgery a few years ago so I know I may not dilate naturally. 
My plan (which I really need to get on to!) will be complicated. Ideally I'd love to be at the local birthing center with minimal medical intervention (birth pool, gas...) but I also need to prepare for other possibilities so my partner and midwife know my wishes if we do need a CS.
After all the heartache and betrayal I feel towards my body for failing to get pregnant I feel like I deserve an easy birth but unfortunately that's not how life works!