UO 4-6

CurlyMommy416 · April 2017

Let's spice up this Thursday!

Image: https://media.tenor.co/images/169bf1f4ae9390d88e23a4e3002bd3ba/tenor.gif

krex-2 · April 2017

If my male coworker tries to explain to me one more time how women aren't treated any differently than men (including in pay) in my VERY male dominated engineering industry, I will lose my shit.

Probably not an UO, but I feel like men shouldn't be allowed to comment on these types of things. You're a man...you have NO IDEA what it's like to be a woman. Especially in a male driven industry.

Oh...and NEVER tell me to "calm down" at work.

Wino0920 · April 2017

Mine stems from reading another board's UO. It's absolutely ok to be annoyed with pregnancy symptoms. Not every time does it need to be followed up with "some people lost their babies so you can't be annoyed!" Wtf??? I've lost a baby, just had to deal with the expected due date not long ago, but in no way would I tell other women they can't have annoyances. Get the f$&k over yourselves.

krex-2 · April 2017

Wino0920 said:

Mine stems from reading another board's UO. It's absolutely ok to be annoyed with pregnancy symptoms. Not every time does it need to be followed up with "some people lost their babies so you can't be annoyed!" Wtf??? I've lost a baby, just had to deal with the expected due date not long ago, but in no way would I tell other women they can't have annoyances. Get the f$&k over yourselves.

Yes...I agree. It's not the damn "Pain Olympics." Your issues are just as valid as another person's.

Now, it's not like I'd sit around and complain about being pregnant to someone I knew had just miscarried, but I doubt you meant that either.

Wino0920 · April 2017

For sure @krex-2 it would be one thing to jump on a loss or IF board and bitch, but to just be on a board with other pregnant women and talk about annoyances or aches/pains..nothing wrong with it.

krex-2 · April 2017

@wino0920, totally agree!

LMMama · April 2017

@Wino0920 I totally agree too. I've lost a pregnancy but that doesn't negate how I'm feeling now- or how someone else is feeling. I understand everyone handles things differently, but I think some people just get a *little* over sensitive.

Elyse1384 · April 2017

Eh what the hell... I'm going to drop a controversial one because dammit June we could use some good back and forth.

My UO is that I believe spanking is counterproductive and wrong. I would never call another parent out on it because hey "you do you" and as long as it isn't abusive (eg with a belt or a genuinely aggressive hit), buttttt I just want to say that in my opinion it sends the wrong message. We teach our kids not to swear by not swearing (well within earshot... lets be real). We teach our kids to share by sharing with them. We teach our kids to not hit others by not hitting them. I feel spanking is a physical violation to a child's body and I want my kids to own their bodies and personal space. I want them to see me using words to solve issues and not violence or physical outbursts.

A spin off UO (yup... a twofer today!) is that while I never condone my children taking the first swing, I firmly tell them that the only time it is acceptable to put your hands on someone else is in self defense. If some little shit or another adult tries to hurt my kid, I want my kid swinging for the fences in self defense. Perhaps that is the martial artist in me, but so long as my child knows to avoid a fight at all cost and never throw the first punch, I will ALWAYS have their back when it comes to acting in self defense.

Stankonia2014 · April 2017

Wino0920 said:

Mine stems from reading another board's UO. It's absolutely ok to be annoyed with pregnancy symptoms. Not every time does it need to be followed up with "some people lost their babies so you can't be annoyed!" Wtf??? I've lost a baby, just had to deal with the expected due date not long ago, but in no way would I tell other women they can't have annoyances. Get the f$&k over yourselves.

I think it's kind of funny that they're attacking her for complaining about kicks, yet every other pregnancy symptom is cool to complain about, hence the symptoms thread. Should she be grateful for nausea, heartburn, and hemorrhoids too?

Wino0920 · April 2017

@Elyse1384 I spank, but I'm sorry Not offended by what you said! Lol!!

I get why people don't.

I, however, do not teach children by not doing myself. I swear in front of my kids and they know they are not allowed. I don't share everything, because I don't feel you have to share everything. I basically teach my kids they are on a different playing field than we are. They are kids and we are adults. I don't like when kids correct adults, so I teach them we have different rules.

It's also called spanking when dad or I spank them, and hitting when they do it to someone else. They know they are not allowed.

spanking is also used as a last resort, so it's really not used often.

erinh84 · April 2017

Kind of going off of what @Wino0920 said. I also think it's completely ok for women to not like being pregnant. I'm definitely in that boat. It doesn't mean that I'm not grateful for a healthy pregnancy or that I'm not beyond excited to meet my LO in June. I just never got "the glow" or the second trimester energy boost. I mainly got monthly uti's and terrible restless leg syndrome. I also had HG with my last pregnancy and I was miserable.

I've also experienced 2 loses, so I do try to be considerate of anyone in that situation. However, I also think you can dislike being pregnant and still have empathy for what others are going through as well.

Edit: words.

Kylieslip24 · April 2017

@Elyse1384 I so agree with everything you said. And I used to spank. We stopped because I finally realized she could not explain what happened after being spanked, she would just get hurt feelings/frustrated and scream which led to more spanking and it was a disaster. Now when she does something wrong her nose goes in the corner and/or she loses toys or privileges. She can always explain what happened and what she did wrong after that. She's still really upset that she loses something, but she will even agree with me that it needs to be taken.
I was spanked by one parent as a kid and she always spanked out of frustaration or emberassement. I even got hit once for falling and embarrassing her, she didn't think it through and just acted instead. I hate seeing that. I know a few spankers like that and I know some that stop, pull themselves together, and then spank. Those are totally different kinds of spanking imo.
Also I only have experience with one kid and admit I could totally change my mind in a few years.

JessyKV · April 2017

I also don't think you have to love every second of being pregnant. I had a loss before I got pregnant with this sweet baby. This pregnancy has been the hardest of any of my pregnancies. I am so thankful to be carrying this healthy baby but that doesn't make it easy. So I definitely complain and that's ok. It doesn't make me ungrateful. I definitely wouldn't complain on a loss or IF board or to someone going through a loss.

On teaching your kids through your actions I tend to lean more towards @Wino0920 said. I do try to model good behavior but children have different rules than adults. I don't share absolutely everything and I don't expect them to. I try not to use bad language but I'm allowed to say butt and my 4yo isn't. And she is also not allowed to correct me when I say it (which she loves to do). I don't think spanking always teaches kids it's ok to hit but I also think it could be confusing for them. I'm on a fence on that topic. I'd like to be fully non spanking but it's happened. And I always feel horrible. My DH is all for spanking which I think makes me lean towards not spanking more. I would rather do timeout or lose privileges/toys.

merrylea · April 2017

@Wino0920 Agreed. They really jumped down her throat.

I get being ultrasensitive about things, I lost my first husband very suddenly. People on IRL and on this board complain about their spouses all the time; heck BMB groups had whole threads devoted to complaining about your partners! Was I butthurt about this, no, because husbands are annoying sometimes. Things about being pregnant can be annoying too. Yes, you don't know what you are missing until its gone, but lecturing to some stranger on the internet comes off as extremely sanctimonious.

Ehhhh... I don't really have an UO. So here's a cute GIF!

Wino0920 · April 2017

@merrylea sorry about your husband!!

ellie111227 · April 2017

I'm opposed to spanking. I try to base my decisions on the evidence available, and I feel that this is a topic that has been well-researched. (Link to a meta-analysis abstract if anyone is interested: https://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/fam0000191. And an article about it: https://news.utexas.edu/2016/04/25/risks-of-harm-from-spanking-confirmed-by-researchers)

I know some people have anecdotal success stories of spanking, but that will never be compelling to me. I have just as many anecdotal stories of students who obey their parents consistently because of spanking who then turn around and dominate younger or weaker students as soon as they are the one in the position of strength.

Stankonia2014 · April 2017

@Elyse1384, I can't even hate. I agree with you on both. I was spanked twice as a child, I tried to use spanking as a form of punishment with my oldest and she laughed in my face (literally) and I felt like an asshole, so we don't spank.

My father taught me to stand up for myself, so when a boy in middle school kept messing with me, I pushed him through a window and got suspended. My dad had never been more proud. We teach our girls the same thing, don't instigate, but never be afraid to defend yourself.

ellie111227 · April 2017

@elyse1384 On the self-defense topic, how would you handle someone harassing your child incessantly but not actually attacking them and no adult being willing to intervene when they ask? I'm thinking about an article I saw about a teenage girl who had punched a boy for snapping her bra repeatedly when she had asked him to stop (and had gone to the teacher and been told she should find it flattering). I kind of want my girls to be assertive like that when their boundaries are bring ignored, but it also isn't really self-defense exactly. What would you make of that, or how would you teach your kid to handle that kind of thing?

ladylolly89 · April 2017

I am fully opposed to spanking, but DH isn't. I guess if there is any spanking to be done it's on him (though I'm kind of guessing he will change his mind down the road when DS is actually old enough to consider spanking).

I think children should (and do) learn by example much of the time, but the same rules do not have to apply to adults. I think children can be taught the difference.
I have zero tolerance for being corrected by a child. I'm not on their level.

awoodruff27 · April 2017

Re: spanking. I have only done it as a last resort. I think it fully depends on your child. My oldest is extremely strong willed. Before she got her autism diagnosis and we were at a loss at what to do because her behavior was SO bad we took everything out of her room. She sat in the middle of that empty room. For HOURS, because she "didn't care". She also still has poop accidents. She uses it as a control thing, she used to pee on the couch if I said something to make her mad. Her therapist tried to make her go in the potty by sitting on the potty until she went. 5 hours later nada... Then pooped in her underwear on the way home and laughed about it. Yeah, so sometimes I spank her butt and honestly it snaps her out of her fit most of the time. But then we have my soon to be middle child. Who if you put her in the corner it's the end of the world and corrects her behavior. I realize my situation isn't the norm, and I haven't had to spank more then a few times since she started therapy thankfully because I hate how I feel after.

Re complaining about pregnancy. There will always be someone who has had it worse, been through something traumatizing relating to it, etc. Why should that diminish what you are feeling? If we always just worried about offending people with our complaints we would never complain about anything. Everything would be all cupcakes and rainbows and that's not life.

And I don't have my own UO today...

Stankonia2014 · April 2017

@ellie111227 (not elyse) I know exactly what article you're referring to and I think the girl (and mom) handled it exactly how I hope my kid (and myself) would handle it. I did a slow clap for both of them in my head.

silliegirlie143 · April 2017

@awoodruff27 This was so similar to the situation in my home growing up. My parents tried time outs with me. I would fall asleep in the corner or daydream for hours. Giving me chores was more of a punishment.

My little sister would get spanked and she'd respond with "that didn't hurt" which of course just sparks more of a parent's anger and frustration. Give her chores, she didn't care. Sit her in time out and by 2 minutes in she was sobbing like it was end of the world.

If nothing else, this was a lesson that everyone learns differently and therefore responds to different discipline.

Wino0920 · April 2017

My dads saying was "never start a fight but always finish it!"

mombod · April 2017

DH and I have both agreed no spanking. My SIL spanks or hits hands and its incredibly hard to witness. And twice Ive seen her discipline my niece in this way, my niece has turned around and slapped my SIL across the face. So I cant say Ive personally witnessed it being effective.
I was never spanked so I dont have any personal history in that area but it just doesnt feel right for us.

ellie111227 · April 2017

@Stankonia2014 I felt the same way! I was just wondering if that would be considered self-defense or not to those of you with more thought-out ideas on your kids hitting than i have at this point. I thought the mom in that story was awesome, too!

kahlan82 · April 2017

We have never spanked DS but we have given him a quick pop on the butt a few times when he is out of control. To me this is different than full on spanking but we haven't done often.

If you were only able to complain as long as no one else's situation was worse, no one would ever be able to complain. Can I not complain that the meal served to me at a restaurant sucked because there are people starving in other countries? No, your feelings are yours and other people's situation don't negate them. I do also think you have to balance it some and know your audience.

I don't think you should go out of your way to fight, but you can't always wait for someone else to swing. There was a boy in highschool who followed me down the hallway daily calling me "fat". My parents intervened by calling teachers and the principal and they did nothing. So my dad told me to slam him up against a wall the next time. I did. He left me alone and when they tried to suspend me, my dad hit them with "you did nothing to help her, so what do you expect." No suspension.

doodleoodle · April 2017

I am so on board with not spanking. I don't think it makes sense. I don't think it teaches conflict resolution, problem solving, and I think it fosters aggression and lack of trust. I 100% understand the mindset of teaching kids that adults can do things children can't, but there is a gray area there that kind of makes me feel uncomfortable... I want my children to feel comfortable questioning adults so that if they ever find themselves in a situation in which an adult is trying to take advantage of them or abuse them in some way they might feel confident enough to speak up.

Elyse1384 · April 2017

I'm glad the ladies who spank aren't offended by my UO as many folks in my circle get very defensive/upset when I give my no spanking POV. For me it just seems counter intuitive. I wasn't spanked as a kid (nor was my brother) and neither of us used physical measures to resolve conflict. Same goes for my friends and cousins who weren't spanked. That said, for every family that finds spanking works, I easily find quadruple the number of families where it doesn't. My SIL spanks and swears at her kids. Well the "do as I say and not as I do" talk didn't work with them. They hit and swear. DH and my SIL were spanked as kids (and sworn at/screamed at). DH had serious anger issues growing up which rears its head from time to time (lets say he is great at patch jobs for walls), but luckily he has made great strides. My SIL is no better.

@ellie111227 I know the story you're talking about (the boy snaps her bra and it comes undone). If any boy snapped my daughter's bra or physically touched something her being, I want her to take the kid out! I have zero tolerance for that behavior from boys to girls/men to women. If boys are being obnoxious verbally, I hope she could resolve that without becoming physically aggressive. I was harassed on a few occasions by boys growing up and I always outwitted them (not difficult to outwit a man bwahahah). That said, if she felt her physical safety was at stake, then yes... deck the kid!

wife-and-mommy · April 2017

I have one: I hate Facebook! I don't think Facebook is easy to use and I don't enjoy posting things on Facebook. I end up wasting so much time on people I barely even know. I will be very sad when people stop posting here and move to Facebook.

huzzahuzza · April 2017

I'll throw my perspective out there. I have (since actually becoming a parent... I was a super judgey non-parent) taken on the philosophy of "You gotta do what you gotta do to stay sane and raise good kids." This looks different for everybody. If spanking actually works, then do what ya gotta do. BUT if spanking doesn't work and you continue doing it, you're doing something wrong and you need to change your tactics. This is necessary to raise good kids and not ass holes!

On the defending yourself issue... I'm fine with my child defending themselves if a fight breaks out BUT I will also make sure that they also accept whatever consequence comes with defending yourself (but hold your head up high for standing up for what you believe in). If you get in a fight at school, even if you are defending yourself, you may get a pretty severe consequence. My children will take those consequences, but will also probably have less of one at home if we know the full situation.

My UO (though probably not unpopular!): Your phone should not autocorrect your cuss words!!!!

LAMCH1980 · April 2017

I'm not a spanker. I can explain what it did to me personally and why it's the best choice for me. For me, it ruined a lifetime of relationships. I was spanked as a child. I honestly was a rule follower and a good kid, but my father spanked. He used belts and would lose his temper and cross the line to abuse so I understand this is different than those of you on here who do it. My sister hasn't talked to him in 20 years because of it. I will talk to him, but he can not touch me. No hugs or coming near me is allowed. There are no "I love you's". I don't want my kids to separate themselves physically from me like we did from him. The only thing it taught me was to fear men and to be afraid to learn and grow and make mistakes. To this day I overthink everything, in fear of the consequences. It's put me at an inferior position in my relationships and marriage. I allowed myself to enter an abusive relationship with my first husband because I thought that this was just a part of life. I obviously have grown and understand things much better now, but I adamantly am against Spanking or hitting my children. That being said, I do discipline them. There are plenty of time-outs and punishments I can use. That's just my two cents. I know some kids are tougher and can handle it. For some, it causes long-term issues. I'm not willing to run the risk.

neludelu · April 2017

In general I am anti spanking. But I do offer a swift pop to the tush if he is doing something dangerous I.e. Trying to slip through deck rails, running into the street, hitting the dog, or touching the stove. I want him to associate pain with dangerous things before he gets really hurt. I don't see how a spank can correct negative behavior. My mom spanked when she lost control of her emotions and it was clear at a very young age that she was a lose cannon, I don't want to be that way with my kids. I will however abuse time outs all day long if I need to.

allywat · April 2017

I myself am against spanking but I don't think it's wrong for other parents if that is what they choose. This has kind of veered off topic but I did want to say that I so relate to so many on this thread that are choosing to break the cycle of parental anger and violence. My maternal side has at least 3 generations of anger and abuse. I was so terrified of becoming a mother because I was so scared I would continue that. I do have a temper I work hard at controlling and have yelled occasionally which I always regret but hitting my child is a line I don't ever want to cross personally.

shmarpler · April 2017

I guess my UO is that my husband and I both spank. I definitely believe there are wrong and right ways to spank, and spanking when you are angry is (for me) a very wrong way to spank.

kdanjou · April 2017

We don't spank and I personally don't think it's an effective form of discipline. My father spanked us occasionally and I don't think it did much good, just made us afraid of him when he got angry.
@kyreno11 I don't use facebook at all. I hope some people stick around here and post!

Kylieslip24 · April 2017

@kdanjou and @kyreno11 I don't use Facebook either!

merrylea · April 2017

Alright, I'm going to bite on the spanking debate. I don't like spanking, and I think that those "little swats on the butt" encourage children to hit. Yes, many of us were spanked as children, however many of us rode in the car without seat belts too and that has proven outmoded.

Here interesting science based article re spanking that takes some of the emotion out of the debate:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-science-says-and-doesn-t-about-spanking/

hopeful808 · April 2017

I think that spanking and swatting are the same. And to think that you are not spanking because you call it swatting is rediculous and your personal way of justifying your action to yourself.

Knottie42089123 · April 2017

My UO is that I'm tired of going on this thread and seeing endless spanking posts lol

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