Postpartum blues, anxiety, and depression support thread

catem07 · April 2017

Though this is an exciting and happy life event, giving birth to a baby can lead to a challenging emotional time. Post your thoughts and needs here so we can support each other.

catem07 · April 2017

I'll start. We just got home from the hospital and I've been crying since we left. I love my baby so much and I felt so safe in the hospital. Now that we're home I'm so afraid of what could happen to Margaret. I know we'll figure it out but that anxiety plus the adrenaline and hormone crash are making me a teary mess. Good thing I have my little squish snuggled up on my chest to make me feel good. And as DH says, plenty of people worse than us have successfully raised children.

M&Max · April 2017

@catem07 I can remember those feelings exactly when we brought DS home from the hospital. I'm hoping since we've been through this before the anxiety will be a bit less but I'm doubtful. Babies are just so little and dependent on us. Just keep telling yourself that you can do it and are already doing a great job! DH and I found it to be helpful to vent to each other when we were feeling overwhelmed, or too anxious. It definitely helped me a ton in keeping the anxiety level down. Keep that line of communication open!

beemaya83 · April 2017

@catem07 hang in there! When we brought DS Home, we felt the same way. I was like oh crap, we really responsible for this tiny human. It's amazing how motherly instinct kicks in. Follow your gut always. I'm sure you are doing an awesome job!

shaunessa · April 2017

i'm nervous that I won't have enough milk supply again and we'll have to do formula again. DS turned out just fine, but not being able to exclusively breastfeed makes me feel inadequate as a mom.

beemaya83 · April 2017

@shaunessa my DS never latched and I literally produced less than one ounce of milk each time I pumped. Being a first time mom, I felt so much pressure to breastfeed. I did everything I could and in the end we went the formula route. After that, I felt I was really bonding with my child instead of focusing so much in breastfeeding. This time around I am hopeful I will be successful. I too have anxiety, but hey, DS turned out just fine and if we go the formula route again, so be it. On the upside, DH can definitely help with the night time feedings from the get-go.

KirstinH88 · April 2017

shaunessa said:

i'm nervous that I won't have enough milk supply again and we'll have to do formula again. DS turned out just fine, but not being able to exclusively breastfeed makes me feel inadequate as a mom.

Oh man, this was exactly how I felt with DS. Just inadequate.

Nolegirl1185 · April 2017

@shaunessa and @KirstinH88 there are still moments, usually daily, where I feel completely inadequate and it ALWAYS comes back to breastfeeding being the issue. Jordan hardly ever latches and when he does and actually eats I'm on cloud 9. For example, today we were out all day so he had a bottle each time he was hungry. Once we got home, I put him to the breast and he latched right away. His best latch YET. We even switched sides, then back again. He ate for 40 minutes and I felt like super mom. My kid just got all the nourishment he needed from ME, is satisfied, and fell asleep all milk drunk! Then 10 minutes went by and he woke up screaming and sucking his hand so hard he left a red circle. I tried to latch him again and he screamed and screamed. Every time the nipple touched his top lip, he arched his back, flailed his arms, kicked his legs, and screamed even louder. After many failed attempts I started crying and asked DH why he hated me and why he was so repulsed by me. Why couldn't I be enough. Why am I inadequate. Why am I a failure of a mom. And I know these things aren't true, but in the moment, they are so real and it fucking sucks. And this still happens daily, sometimes multiple times. But on the days he latches, it gives me hope to keep going. So for now..I will continue to feel like a super mom one minute and a failure the next.

HappyAnjel · April 2017

I'm still in the hospital.. i had a little bit of a traumatic csection.. which I wasn't expecting since it was planned.. baby's platelets are low and he is jaundice.. I'm going to be here today and tomorrow at least.. Im having a hard time being away from DD so much... she is doing great being with my parents and has visit every day.. but it kills me I can't be home with her.. I'm so stressed and today I got a coldsore, and I completely lost it.. It's one more thing to add to my stress. I never get them.. why does it have to be when I have a newborn! I cried so much today and of course people keep stopping by and I'm tired upset and hate that I've cried in front of everyone.

shaunessa · April 2017

@Nolegirl1185

You are so right on the feeling like super mom one minute and a failure the next. Now that I think about it, I guess these feelings never go away! For example, DS had been doing great at not wetting his underwear and I felt like mission accomplished! Then the other day, he POOPED in his underwear...which he hadn't done in months and its like what did I do? Have we been focusing too much on preparing for baby that he just didn't care or was it a sign of look at me? Motherhood is so tough sometimes.

@beemaya83
Very true on the DH helping with night time feedings.

HappyAnjel · April 2017

I was already upset about how long the stay is.. and I was just told were now not leaving until Sunday. I may lose my mind in here.

mylittleirvz · April 2017

Oh my goodness yes to the feelings of inadequacy with nursing with my DS. I cried SO much - I asked DH "will he ever be happy and why does he hate me of all people??" Once we switched to formula, we were all so much better. I still felt (and feel at times) like a failure but it was so much less stress when I waved the white flag and surrendered.
So far DD is doing great at nursing - it's only been a week but I feel way more confident than I did with DS so I am praying everything keeps up how it is.

KirstinH88 · April 2017

mylittleirvz said:

Oh my goodness yes to the feelings of inadequacy with nursing with my DS. I cried SO much - I asked DH "will he ever be happy and why does he hate me of all people??" Once we switched to formula, we were all so much better. I still felt (and feel at times) like a failure but it was so much less stress when I waved the white flag and surrendered.
So far DD is doing great at nursing - it's only been a week but I feel way more confident than I did with DS so I am praying everything keeps up how it is.

Do you have any tips/tricks for those of us who "failed" at BFing our first but want to be more successful the second time around? What is different for you (other than the baby, of course)?

mylittleirvz · April 2017

Honestly I have no idea except she is way more calm and patient and focuses to latch better! I did vow to start pumping earlier this time too to help get my supply up possibly. Using the silicone "pump" to help catch extra as I feed on the other side or relieve pressure if it's been a bit has helped tremendously. If you don't have one I highly recommend them. I have the Avo Baby one and it was $15 on Amazon.

I think too it just being the second time around and knowing how hard it is or can be has helped me stay calm too and knowing to not struggle along if it's not going well at any point - get help or make a switch if necessary.

I know that isn't much help at all but seriously the second time around things feel (at least so far, knock on wood!) so much less chaotic!

catem07 · April 2017

I'm a FTM so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think early intervention is key. Even before we were having latch problems I planned to hire a Lactation consultant, just to check things out. I know it can be $$ but breastfeeding is a big priority for me--snd it's not like formula feeding is cheap...

SnarkasaurusRex · April 2017

Ugh, only two days in and I'm feeling like a crap mom.

So, backstory...with DS, he latched great and right away, nursed like a champ, but my supply never came in. I essentially was starving him (he lost 20% of his birth weight in 5 days) and he was dehydrated to the point that he had to be put on fluids and supplemented with formula. I worked ridiculously hard with him for 4 months to try and get my supply going before it finally crapped out, and I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself (and the second baby) through all of that if I had issues again.

Now, DD is a terrible latcher. It was more than 3 hours after birth that we were finally able to get her to latch and suck, and she only had one successful feeding yesterday. Today she still struggled all over the place, but if she was able to latch and nurse for a little bit she seemed satisfied. I'm able to hand express colostrum so we're feeling more confident about my supply this time around (but seriously please dear god let my milk come in!). By this afternoon and evening she totally tanked, didn't latch once, no wet diapers, dropped 10% of her weight, signs of dehydration, ugh. She gets so frustrated at the breast because she just doesn't know how to latch, but she tries so hard. I caved and gave her a supplement of formula (after all of my hand expressing to try and get her to breast, I didn't pump hardly anything). It was only 10 mL, and she was calmer enough after it that she did successfully latch and nurse for about 5 more minutes, but goodness do I feel like a shit mom. I was calm through everything until just now when she settled in and fell asleep and was content for the first time all day.

Everyone keeps telling me how I'm "made to make babies" because they're cute, but I can't birth them on my own and I apparently can't feed them the right way either. Ugh. Breastfeeding is literally the number one thing I wanted for my kids, and I feel like I'm already failing at it again.

On the plus side, I already know a lactation consultant and she can see me on Monday after DDs pediatric visit to do a weighted feed and all of that jazz. And I know how to pump and have my pump set up. And she DID still latch after the bottle. And I know that this isn't the end of the world even though it feels like it right now.

(Sorry, writing this is probably just more cathartic to me than actually helpful to anyone else.)

catem07 · April 2017

@SnarkasaurusRex This thread isn't meant for posts to necessarily be helpful to anyone else! I think you're doing a great job at trying to feed your baby. If your supply does come in but her latch is still bad, hopefully you can work with the LC to teach baby how to eat. If that's not successful, you can bottle feed her the breast milk. And if your supply doesn't come in and you feed her formula, you're still being a great mom.

beemaya83 · April 2017

@snarkasaurusrex I'm sorry you are going through this! I can totally relate. Have you tried feeding baby small amount of formula before putting to breast? It might be that baby is really hungry by the time and that's why it may be difficult to get a good latch or gets frustrated.

Nolegirl1185 · April 2017

SnarkasaurusRex said:

Everyone keeps telling me how I'm "made to make babies" because they're cute, but I can't birth them on my own and I apparently can't feed them the right way either. Ugh. Breastfeeding is literally the number one thing I wanted for my kids, and I feel like I'm already failing at it again.

This really hit me hard and brought me to tears. It's exactly how I feel, just know you aren't alone mama. I'm so sorry breastfeeding has been such a struggle for you in the past and now. I hope it looks up for you soon, but if not, you've done everything you can and are no less of a mother for it. Hugs!!

SnarkasaurusRex · April 2017

Nolegirl1185 said:

SnarkasaurusRex said:

Everyone keeps telling me how I'm "made to make babies" because they're cute, but I can't birth them on my own and I apparently can't feed them the right way either. Ugh. Breastfeeding is literally the number one thing I wanted for my kids, and I feel like I'm already failing at it again.

This really hit me hard and brought me to tears. It's exactly how I feel, just know you aren't alone mama. I'm so sorry breastfeeding has been such a struggle for you in the past and now. I hope it looks up for you soon, but if not, you've done everything you can and are no less of a mother for it. Hugs!!

Thanks, girl. I keep trying to remind myself that the silver lining is that I have two beautiful, healthy kiddos. And that's a damn shiny lining!

I did call my OB yesterday because I'm starting to feel the way I did before my PPD onset last time, so I wanted her to be aware of it. Might still be the hormone crash and my recent sucky news about breastfeeding, so hopefully I can escape without the PP "crazies" (as my friend and I refer to them as, because we both literally felt insane) this time.

shaunessa · April 2017

@SnarkasaurusRex

Thats exactly what I've been going through. I've had to supplement with formula because my breast milk hasn't come in yet. I've had a little and every day its more and more, but the fact that baby wasn't getting enough and had lost 10% of his birth weight was a little hard to take in.

What pissed me off was that at the hospital I had asked for an electric pump to get things going and the nurses were like "well you dont want to overstimulate yourself and have too much supply". Its like "look lady, i know my body, i know last time I didnt produce enough, i want to get a head start on things"

Anyways, I'm pumping day and night trying to squeeze whatever I can out. As of right now, baby is taking in 1 oz of breast milk and 1 oz of formula.

beemaya83 · April 2017

Looks like I'm jumping on the formula supplementation boat as well. Since day one baby has been latching like a champ, even today. However, he has not had a wet diaper so obvious sign he is not getting any bring out if me just yet. I really do hope my milk comes in this time around.

BecNJake · April 2017

I am 11 days post partum and starting to deal with my feelings about a repeat c-section. I tried for a VBAC at a birth center, opened to 9 cm and my boy couldn't drop. I was stuck in transition for a few hours, then transferred to the hospital. I so badly want to experience a vaginal birth. We want a lot of kids, but with 2 c-sections already I'm not sure I'll be able to. People are asking me about my birth, knowing that I tried so hard to have a VBAC. I just feel like it's so rude not to give me time. Also it's none of your business! I'm way too nice about it and end up saying things I don't actually feel, like "at least the baby is healthy, what more could I want?" Then crying about it later. I want my body to work. I want to give my kids the healthiest birth possible. I don't want to keep having risky surgeries when I am young, healthy and should be perfectly capable of birthing a baby myself. Then I will hear from family and friends, "I'm so glad you didn't give birth at the birth center, that was so risky". (Yeah, and cutting me open a second time is so much safer..) Now DH's grandma is coming into town tomorrow and she's very outspoken and opinionated. She wanted me to schedule a c-section this time anyway, so I'm going to be hearing the "I told you so" speech and I'm just not sure I can take that this week.

KirstinH88 · April 2017

@BecNJake I am so sorry that you are having these feelings. Big hugs to you.

I would just hole myself up in my room while visitors were around. Especially unpleasant ones.

Nolegirl1185 · April 2017

@BecNJake I'm sorry you are going through so many emotions right now and it doesn't help to have so many nosy, opinionated people butting in. I like KirstinH88 's idea!

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