Let's talk about SO's/DH's

msashley2010-2 · April 2017

I wanted to make this thread to talk about about our other halves and how this pregnancy has (or hasn't) affected them. Whether this is your first kid or your seventh kid, bringing a brand new life into the world obviously means a lot of changes!

Is your SO/DH excited? Worried? Indifferent?

Do you feel supported?

Any advice for navigating pregnancy woes within the relationship for other mommies to be?

Swazzle · April 2017

Is your SO/DH excited? Worried? Indifferent?
DH has a very laid back personality and isn't the best with showing/talking about his emotions but he's interested when I'm telling him about the week-to-week changes the baby and my body are going through and he asks questions so all of that leads me to believe he's excited. I think once we have the anatomy scan in 3 weeks and now that I'm showing more, it's more real for him. I love hearing him talk about our future son/daughter.

Do you feel supported?
I really do and if I'm being honest, I worried a little about this before getting pregnant. DH has never really given me a reason to think he wouldn't be supportive but given his laid back attitude, I was a little worried that he'd kind of brush me off when telling him about how I feel (physically/mentally) and thankfully that hasn't happened at all, in fact, it's been the exact opposite. He asks me daily how I'm feeling, if I need him to do anything, and tells me I'm beautiful. This week I've been feeling a bit down about my body and he just keeps reminding me that I'm growing a human being and that I look amazing which is so nice to hear and really helps me get out of my funk.

Any advice for navigating pregnancy woes within the relationship for other mommies to be?
This is my first pregnancy so I don't really have much advice to give. I think communication and honesty are always steps in the right direction with any major events or issues that come up in a marriage.

msashley2010-2 · April 2017

@swazzle I think that is great that you feel supported by him. I think for some it may be difficult to understand everything that we go through, but being shown empathy and care definitely helps a lot.

msashley2010-2 · April 2017

I feel like my SO ping pongs between excited and indifferent. He is typically a really expressive person so when he doesn't act as excited or talk about the baby as much as I do my weird pregnancy brain construes it as him not being interested or not caring and I know that's not particularly fair to him because we all have different ways of expressing ourselves.

He has been extremely good about getting me to not worry so much. Overall I feel supported but I feel like he never talks about the baby unless I bring it up. (Or maybe I just talk about the baby enough for the two of us.

) But he is completely on board with making changes to the house and has even come up with great ideas for how to arrange things to better accommodate the little one.

I think overall he is supportive. Much moreso than DD's father. I think open communication helps a lot.

Swazzle · April 2017

@Msashley2010 Absolutely agree. It's difficult to really put yourself in anyone else's shoes if you haven't been there before.

awildrose · April 2017

My DH was saying yesterday how much different this baby feels for him (third baby). He told me he's so much more excited and relaxed about this pregnancy and baby prep. We are in a totally different place then we were with our first babies, and that's taken loads of stress off of him.

ColoradoHiker · April 2017

Is your SO/DH excited? Worried? Indifferent? DH is excited, although I'll be the first to admit that the last four months have been less than fun. I've dealt with a lot more fatigue than with DS, and just as much nausea. DH has had to take on a lot more this time around, since we have a toddler.

Do you feel supported? Absolutely. DH is my rock, and helps every single way he can. He'll tell me to go lay down while he keeps an eye on DS, or makes dinner, or whatever.

Any advice for navigating pregnancy woes within the relationship for other mommies to be? We haven't really had many pregnancy woes, thankfully. I do recommend talking, though. Communicate what's going on in your head, or that you're hurting, or that you just need help. Our SO's are not mind readers, even though we may want them to be sometimes!

msashley2010-2 · April 2017

That's great @awildrose! I definitely think that when it isn't your first child it is a lot stressful/intimidating cause you've been there and done that.

I keep forgetting sometimes that this is going to be SO's very first baby. He came into our lives when DD was already 5 years old so I can definitely understand that he may be nervous about having an infant.

msashley2010-2 · April 2017

@ColoradoHiker I'm sorry this pregnancy is harder on you.

Hopefully it gets better soon! Thank goodness you have a supportive DH that is willing to take on some extra work so that you can rest when you aren't feeling well.

JustBored10 · April 2017

Is your SO/DH excited? Worried? Indifferent?
DH is very excited. He is always talking and touching my stomach. This is our second as my DS is now 4. My DH and DS are pretty much attached at the hip when they are home together. He is an amazing father and always has been even through the newborn stage which just an fyi I very much disliked. I had two miscarriages last year. My first one we did not find out I had a blighted ovum until my 10 week appointment. DH took it extremely hard. Harder than I did. I just knew going into my appointment something was not right and I know that it is very common for women to experience miscarriages so I was upset / sad but ready to move on.

Do you feel supported?
Absolutely. 100%

Any advice for navigating pregnancy woes within the relationship for other mommies to be?
Communication is key and that it is ok to have mixed feelings and emotions. Especially first time Moms and Dads to be. You have no idea what to expect and it can be overwhelming. So be understanding with each others feelings.

mrsmarygs · April 2017

Is your SO/DH excited? Worried? Indifferent?
He is so excited! We have been wanting a family for a very long time and it took us 8 month of TTC to get this baby. He's a little worried that he won't be a good daddy, but he's already talking to the bump and singing lullabies, so I'm not worried about him at all.
Do you feel supported?
Absolutely. He has picked up some slack around the house while I was sick, and is so very cautious about what I'm allowed to do.
Any advice for navigating pregnancy woes within the relationship for other mommies to be?
Apologize as soon as you realize your hormones made you say something harsh or stupid. And find positions you both enjoy even with the bump getting in the way. We haven't had many fights since getting pregnant, but I think these two things are very important to keep the relationship running smooth.

wyomama0427 · April 2017

DH is very excited, for a few months before we got pregnant he kept saying "I want another! Let's have another baby. I want another little baby." He is excited but more chill this time if that makes sense? The excitement is so much different this time. With DS we had no idea how our lives would change, I had no idea about the labor and stuff... now is even different than the beginning of the pregnancy because we have a concrete plan. We know we'll be doing a spinal block and a c-section, which takes away all of my anxiety. So it's really a different, less anxious excitement (:

I feel very supported. He has always made sure he can come to every appointment, he takes care of DS and chores I've slacked on when I don't feel good, he's pretty awesome sometimes. (:

I second what others have said, and I'd also add try to keep your own emotions in check. I'm not a fan of blaming anything on hormones, but I know that I personally can get irrational while pregnant. Both pregnancies have been that way. The first time I seriously bawled like a child when DH brought home the wrong kind of chocolate and INSISTED he go back and get the right kind. To be fair, he brought my favorite kind that I usually get and it was super sweet, but I wanted milk chocolate. Just try to be understanding, they're trying their best to navigate our somewhat crazy pregnant selves lol. I try to check myself and recognize how hard he's trying.

I love this thread idea

daisy62103 · April 2017

DH has always been supportive and has also taken on a lot of additional work around the house, especially in the first tri when I felt bad, and even now as I have no energy. He has gone and will continue to go to every single appt with me. He didn't go to every appt the last pgs b/c neither of us felt it was necessary, **TW** but he does now since my last pg ended kind of late at 14wks and I was a wreck at that appt by myself. *END TW* I really appreciate him making the decision to be with me for every appt now. It was his decision.

In terms of him being excited, he sounds a little like @Swazzle 's DH. He is very laid back and doesn't show a lot of emotions. I'm starting to feel rather nest-y and want to start talking about the things we need to get and do for two babies and he hasn't been too interested in talking about anything really yet. We got rid of most of our baby stuff after #3 b/c it didn't seem like this was going to happen for us, so we have a lot to do to prepare (IMO anyway). Hopefully after learning the sexes he'll be more interested in talking about what needs to be done!

labby18 · April 2017

Is your SO/DH excited? Worried? Indifferent?

He is so excited but likes to play it "cool" but whenever we talk about baby he's excited. He's also nervous. We were TTC for almost 3 years and had 3 miscarriages so he was really apprehensive at first at showing emotion but now he's just excited...and a little overwhelmed.

Do you feel supported?
Yes! Very much so. When he's home he takes care of a lot for me, and he makes time to come to the appointments, and wants to come.

Any advice for navigating pregnancy woes within the relationship for other mommies to be?
just talk. At first I wasnt sure how he was feeling as he was still playing it cool so i just asked him if he was excited or scared bc i feel like im on this rollercoaster by myself. He finally started talking about how he felt and what hes excited about and everything else under the sun.

mercury94 · April 2017

DH is awesome. Seriously, he is absolutely perfect for me in general. He is excited about the baby. I think things got more real for him on Tuesday when we learned that Freddie is a boy. Plus, we were both worried before that because of the abnormal NT results. Now, we are more relaxed. When I told him we were having a healthy baby boy, he just screamed. It was on the phone, but he said he was jumping up and down. I think something about the ability to refer to his child by name has really boosted his excitement.

DH is so supportive. He has done more than his share of the housework lately. He anticipates when I'm going to be hungry or tired and plans our weekends around food and naps. I have PCOS. It took DH and I a fair amount of time (and some Clomid) to conceive this baby. He was supportive the whole time and reminded me that it wasn't my fault that my body didn't want to work properly. He shows the same level of support now. When I feel bad about my body, he tells me I'm gorgeous and thanks me for growing him a cute baby.

I don't have a lot of advice except to keep talking. Any disagreements I've had with DH during this process have been because I didn't tell him how I was feeling.

Sorry about the novel. I just feel so blessed.

HollyGolightly09 · April 2017

DH is very excited... but, he doesn't really bring baby stuff up on his own. It bothered me at first, because I felt like he didn't care/ never thought about it. He sometimes gets worried that he knows nothing about babies, but I try to assure him that most men don't

I feel very supported... he has been awesome! I have not cleaned our house once since I've been pregnant, have maybe cooked twice, and he never complains or acts annoyed. He takes great care of me, and does everything he can to be at all my appointments.

I guess my only advice is to keep in mind that men don't always feel as involved/excited about pregnancy as we do. It isn't happening directly TO them, so I think it's harder for them to really see it as real.

divinemsm620 · April 2017

HollyGolightly09 said:

DH is very excited... but, he doesn't really bring baby stuff up on his own. It bothered me at first, because I felt like he didn't care/ never thought about it. He sometimes gets worried that he knows nothing about babies, but I try to assure him that most men don't

I feel very supported... he has been awesome! I have not cleaned our house once since I've been pregnant, have maybe cooked twice, and he never complains or acts annoyed. He takes great care of me, and does everything he can to be at all my appointments.

I guess my only advice is to keep in mind that men don't always feel as involved/excited about pregnancy as we do. It isn't happening directly TO them, so I think it's harder for them to really see it as real.

This sounds a LOT like my husband. I did feel a little upset that he didn't want to call his parents to update them after my appointments; I wanted to share immediately with mine, and my mom makes me nuts! (We get along really well with his parents, and my dad has been great.)

However, H shows his excitement in other ways. In the early days of nausea, he proudly told our local Chinese restaurant that he was coming so often because his wife was pregnant and wanting wonton soup. So I know he is excited and will only get more so as baby grows! I can't wait for kicks that he will be able to feel.

mrs_tacos · April 2017

DH is really excited. He was hesitant to feel excited at first *tw* because of our losses, and how many years it too to conceive this baby. *end tw* But once we saw a healthy baby on the first ultrasound at 7 weeks, he allowed himself to feel excited, and wants to be involved in every aspect of this pregnancy and everything for baby he can be. It's actually been great for me, because it's heard to give into PGAL brain when he's so certain this is our rainbow baby. He talks to the baby every day, and constantly researches what gear and methods and whatever else will be best for the baby. All that said, this is our first, so there's obviously some nervousness. As DH says, he's never been so ready and excited for something and yet so terrified at the same time.

He's been incredibly supportive. He lets me talk about every weird thing happening to my body as many times as I need to, is so understanding when I don't get a lot done around the house (first it was nausea, and then exhaustion, and now the pelvic pain is getting really bad), and is willing to do whatever to make sure I'm comfortable and happy. He's willingly gave up space on the bed so I can have my giant pregnancy pillow, and he was the one who finally said I needed to stop trying to make my regular clothes work and went maternity shopping with me, and he surprised me with a prenatal massage for later this week. He even stopped complaining about me splurging on organic milk, because even he can't argue that fewer hormones is better for the baby.

We haven't really had any pregnancy woes, but I think that's largely because of our good communication. Open, direct communication that doesn't blame or point fingers is the key to many things in marriage, in my experience. That, and lots of compassion and forgiveness on both ends, because no one is going to be a perfect communicator, especially with all these pregnancy hormones swirling around.

JNR6510 · April 2017

Is your SO/DH excited? Worried? Indifferent?

DH is excited. He has all these projects and ideas of things he wants to do for / with Laurel. He really isn't very worried about anything yet.

Do you feel supported?

Very much so. He works hard to help out with things and make life as stress free as possible.

coastalmomma2 · April 2017

Is your SO/DH excited? Worried? Indifferent?

DH is excited for Baby #2. He was very involved with DS from the beginning and I would assume he will be with our next boy/girl. Like me, he is nervous about juggling two young children, but we will make it work.

Do you feel supported?
Yes, he is supportive although I do have to remind him occasionally to be a bit more empathetic. He is a very logical person, so when I complain about nearly any element of my life his response generally is something along the lines of "that's the way it is" or "what can we do about it?" Sometimes I just want to vent and be coddled. He has never really understood how to do that. For example, last night I was complaining about my back pain and his response was, "Didn't the doctor say that was normal with pregnancy?" and then walked away. I asked him to come back and try his response again. He then said, "I'm sorry your back hurts." and rubbed my back. It's a work in progress.

Any advice for navigating pregnancy woes within the relationship for other mommies to be? Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. The majority of the time DH does not know when he has said something that I perceive as hurtful.

harleyquinn0621 · April 2017

Is your SO/DH excited? Worried? Indifferent?
DH is so excited- which is a relief ... not that I didn't think he would be excited but i wasn't expecting him to show as much excitement as he has... DH is an amazing man but not emotional in general and he has been with this pregnancy (for example he teared up at one of the early ultrasounds) it's really shown me what an amazing father he is going to be

Do you feel supported?
absolutely.. he is amazing and I don't think I could have done this with anyone else

Any advice for navigating pregnancy woes within the relationship for other mommies to be?
I haven't had any relationship woes really.. but i would just say be honest about what you need or if he is doing something that is bothering you. I don't expect DH to read my mind, if i need a little extra emotional support for whatever reason I tell him and he is happy to provide me what I need

mrs_tacos · April 2017

@CoastalMomma My DH tends to be the same way- very logical, and oriented towards problem solving. I have fibromyalgia, though, so he's had years to work on empathy and learning that I don't always need him to find a solution. Sometimes a girl just needs a hug, and to hear that someone cares she's in pain! So maybe after this pregnancy, your DH will be better at this stuff in general! It kind of reminds me of Data learning how to understand humans in Star Trek sometimes.

mrsmarygs · April 2017

Speaking of Star Trek, my DH sent me to work with these socks and said I needed to wear them around the office because we are having Star Trek day. Each of our departments had a specific color shirt we had to wear (yellow, blue, and red). And of course the proofing department got red because of our love of red pens. But when he found out I was a red shirt, he told me not to die and to wear his Spock socks.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/6v/lii32x2qrnhv.jpg

zetega · April 2017

Haha what timing-- right as I opened this thread I got a text from my husband who said he was at the doctor getting an MMR booster. I mentioned to him a week or two ago that one of my tests at the OB showed that my immunity to measles and mumps had worn off and my doctor told me to make sure to minimize exposure. I didn't ask him to get the booster or even bring it up again.

I have been grumpy with him sometimes in the past couple months (pregnancy hormones?) but he really is the best and is so excited about the baby.

zetega · April 2017

Also @mrsmarygs my husband gave me the EXACT SAME SOCKS for my birthday in our first year dating!!! We've recently been working our way back through DS9.

coastalmomma2 · April 2017

mrs_tacos said:

@CoastalMomma My DH tends to be the same way- very logical, and oriented towards problem solving. I have fibromyalgia, though, so he's had years to work on empathy and learning that I don't always need him to find a solution. Sometimes a girl just needs a hug, and to hear that someone cares she's in pain! So maybe after this pregnancy, your DH will be better at this stuff in general! It kind of reminds me of Data learning how to understand humans in Star Trek sometimes.

Exactly. I also have panic attacks and anxiety related to a few particular triggers, and the anxiety he does not understand at all. I had him read a few scientific articles about anxiety and that has helped also. I love the Star Trek reference...I very nearly referred to Spock myself. Got to love my engineer husband.

mrs_tacos · April 2017

CoastalMomma said:

mrs_tacos said:

@CoastalMomma My DH tends to be the same way- very logical, and oriented towards problem solving. I have fibromyalgia, though, so he's had years to work on empathy and learning that I don't always need him to find a solution. Sometimes a girl just needs a hug, and to hear that someone cares she's in pain! So maybe after this pregnancy, your DH will be better at this stuff in general! It kind of reminds me of Data learning how to understand humans in Star Trek sometimes.

Exactly. I also have panic attacks and anxiety related to a few particular triggers, and the anxiety he does not understand at all. I had him read a few scientific articles about anxiety and that has helped also. I love the Star Trek reference...I very nearly referred to Spock myself. Got to love my engineer husband.

Haha, my DH is also an engineer! And I also have anxiety, which often triggers my OCD. It's like you're in my brain right now.

ColoradoHiker · April 2017

@HollyGolightly09 My DH was like this with DS. I asked him about it, and it really can down to partly that he couldn't do much for me while I was sooo miserable first tri, and partly that he was not feeling things like i was, such as kicks. The smile he got the first time he felt DS kick just melted my heart. That was when he really started to do stuff like rub my stomach, or "talk" to the baby.

Speaking of talking to the baby, a DH on my last birth month board honest to goodness thought the baby would hear him better if he tried to talk to the baby through his wife's vagina. #truestory We all got a good laugh out of that. FTD, obviously.

coastalmomma2 · April 2017

mrs_tacos said:

CoastalMomma said:

mrs_tacos said:

@CoastalMomma My DH tends to be the same way- very logical, and oriented towards problem solving. I have fibromyalgia, though, so he's had years to work on empathy and learning that I don't always need him to find a solution. Sometimes a girl just needs a hug, and to hear that someone cares she's in pain! So maybe after this pregnancy, your DH will be better at this stuff in general! It kind of reminds me of Data learning how to understand humans in Star Trek sometimes.

Exactly. I also have panic attacks and anxiety related to a few particular triggers, and the anxiety he does not understand at all. I had him read a few scientific articles about anxiety and that has helped also. I love the Star Trek reference...I very nearly referred to Spock myself. Got to love my engineer husband.

Haha, my DH is also an engineer! And I also have anxiety, which often triggers my OCD. It's like you're in my brain right now.

That's too funny. When DH was in grad school, the College of Engineering actually offered workshops on communication and relationship building. I teased him about it at the time, but now I see the value!

LaceyC1020 · April 2017

My DH is so ridiculously excited! About everything! He reads stories to her at night and had been my rock throughout the pregnancy. He's super jealous that he can't feel her yet and I can lol he's really cute about it all. I went on our spotify account and he's made a "Skylar" playlist

I haven't experienced any relationship woes but I say just be honest and upfront about everything. They really aren't mind readers haha! And make them feel involved in the decision making--like making the registry and all

Sugargirl1019 · April 2017

How do your DH'S just read to your LO? Mine pretends she doesn't exist, even though I tell him to talk to her. Boo

wyomama0427 · April 2017

Sugargirl1019 said:

How do your DH'S just read to your LO? Mine pretends she doesn't exist, even though I tell him to talk to her. Boo

DH was so awkward and had no idea what to say to DS. He never quite got the hang of talking to him so sometimes he'd speak Spanish to my belly just for fun. I didn't push him, but it turned out okay because in the last month he would come home and tell me about his day and DS would hear his voice and go crazy in my belly. To this day DS still gets worked up when DH gets worked up! We are 18 weeks and DH is still awkward and doesn't talk to baby this time either. He just feels weird lol

mrsmarygs · April 2017

Sugargirl1019 said:

How do your DH'S just read to your LO? Mine pretends she doesn't exist, even though I tell him to talk to her. Boo

My app told me this week the baby can start hearing, so I told DH that he could start talking to it if he wanted. He sat down a few days ago super nervous and said he felt like he should have an introduction or something. Then he asked me what to say. I told him if he sang a lullaby, the baby would recognize it after birth. So he's been singing songs, and every time he starts with, "Hey baby, it's your daddy." Brings tears to my eyes every time.

wyomama0427 · April 2017

mrsmarygs said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

How do your DH'S just read to your LO? Mine pretends she doesn't exist, even though I tell him to talk to her. Boo

My app told me this week the baby can start hearing, so I told DH that he could start talking to it if he wanted. He sat down a few days ago super nervous and said he felt like he should have an introduction or something. Then he asked me what to say. I told him if he sang a lullaby, the baby would recognize it after birth. So he's been singing songs, and every time he starts with, "Hey baby, it's your daddy." Brings tears to my eyes every time.

Oh darn.. there must be something in my eye...........

mercury94 · April 2017

mrsmarygs said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

How do your DH'S just read to your LO? Mine pretends she doesn't exist, even though I tell him to talk to her. Boo

My app told me this week the baby can start hearing, so I told DH that he could start talking to it if he wanted. He sat down a few days ago super nervous and said he felt like he should have an introduction or something. Then he asked me what to say. I told him if he sang a lullaby, the baby would recognize it after birth. So he's been singing songs, and every time he starts with, "Hey baby, it's your daddy." Brings tears to my eyes every time.

That is so sweet.

HollyGolightly09 · April 2017

Sugargirl1019 said:

How do your DH'S just read to your LO? Mine pretends she doesn't exist, even though I tell him to talk to her. Boo

DH doesnt really talk to her either. Every now and then he'll say something like "Hey, little girl, try not to give momma such a hard time." lol

labby18 · April 2017

@Sugargirl1019 & @HollyGolightly09

DH doesn't talk to baby either, but we also don't know gender. But I'll say "Tell your child to lay off with the heartburn!" and he'll say "Baby, chill. I don't like tasting bile when I kiss your mom" (TMI i know) or when I'm complaining about sleep he'll say "Baby, a grumpy mom means I get yelled at, let's be on the same team here, let her sleep before you get here". He will refer to baby but not actually talk TO baby typically. Maybe when my belly gets a little bigger and we know gender this will change & he will interact more. When I told him baby could hear us now, he like yelled "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOWWWW??!!" and laughed lol.

LaceyC1020 · April 2017

@Sugargirl1019 I think because we've waited so long for the IVF transfers to work and that this was our last embryo, DH has had anticipation building up for a while. He started talking to the baby the night of the BFP blood test! It was off and on, now he sings and reads to her. We were talking the other night and I said "Omg, she'll have a stocking for Christmas this year!!" And we both burst into tears lol!

wyomama0427 · April 2017

Last night before work DH put his face on my belly and made whale noises. Lol. He just doesn't know what to say! He's even awkward talking to babies though, like when our nephews were little he had no idea what to say to them. It's adorable. Now he's good with DS but that took work!

Sugargirl1019 · April 2017

@wyomama0427 I def want my kid to be fluent in whale. Noted!!

wyomama0427 · April 2017

@Sugargirl1019 tHhaaAanK YooOOoOuuUu!!

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