I don't want to go into much detail because I feel it is not my story to tell, but I have a close family member who molested several of my family members. It never went as far as rape, but there was inappropriate touching and cuddling. It came to light about four years ago, and I have not seen this family member since. It took about a year before I even answered his texts, and another year before I would talk on the phone with him. I didn't invite him to my wedding more for the sake of his victims than my feelings. My mother has informed me that he has asked to see the family over Christmas, but will deny him this opportunity if even one of us feels against it. My question now that I have a baby on the way, is what precautions and safeguards should I put in place regarding my child? I have no qualms now against seeing him, we just haven't because we live in two different states. But should I let him see my 3 month old (at Christmas)? Should I let him hold him/her? Should I only meet with him alone and let him be content with pictures?
Man, that's tough. I think a lot of it would have to do with the nature of his offenses, if he has sought help since, what sex of child I have/what sex of person he molested, etc. If he molested anyone near child aged, my answer would be absolutely no, and I wouldn't even show him pictures. But without anymore details it's hard to answer. (Not asking for more, just saying it's hard without knowing the full situation.) My instinct is to keep my child from anyone I know has molested someone, just because there will always be an added element of possibility with that person.
If I knew that someone was a molester/had a history of molestation I would keep them as far away from my children as possible. I would also avoid meeting up with them/being friendly towards them, because I would never want them to think that I condoned their behavior or that I thought that what they did was normal.
I especially wouldn't want their victims to think that there was even the slightest possibility that I condoned their molester's behavior. They've been hurt enough already.
I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation. A 3 month old can't tell you anything and why tempt a known offender. That's like having a party at a bar and having a recovering alcoholic there. Maybe he'll be able to control himself, maybe he won't. I wouldn't want my infant to be the test child though.
I wouldn't put my kids around him. Generally speaking, those thoughts/feelings come from an illness and typically don't go away. He can improve his control and not act on those feelings, but typically can't stop the thoughts. That being said, I'm sure you're baby would be safe and it would be easy enough to keep him for holding your baby, but it will be harder when your child is older. My point in saying that is, if you let him see you're baby now, will he expect it when your baby is older? If your child was 5 would you want him around?
The only way I'd even maybe consider being in the same room is if there is proof that he has undergone treatment of some sort. And even then, I would never leave him alone with anyone under the age of 18.
@DPandMB That's a really good point. I guess my thought right now was that the baby was too little and would never be out of my sight. But I would never want him to be around when my child gets older. So never letting him see my baby is probably the only place to draw the line.
This sounds tough and like it's a close family member which makes it trickier. Will there be other children at Christmas or just your baby? I would be inclined to say no but if he has great remorse and has sought help then maybe yes.
@DPandMB That's a really good point. I guess my thought right now was that the baby was too little and would never be out of my sight. But I would never want him to be around when my child gets older. So never letting him see my baby is probably the only place to draw the line.
I agree then. No relationship with your kids is the best. No matter the age. Then it's just a personal decision on if you want to see him by yourself.
IMO, if he was actually sorry he would of done therapy and/or treatment. I highly doubt that those behaviors or desires go away because you wish them to.
no way would I let this person around my child... it just isn't worth the chance IMO
Me: 36 years old DH: 42 years old
Married: 05.2012 TW:
TTC #1 Since April 2016 HSG/FSH/AMH/E2/SA all normal DX: unexplained IF spontaneous BFP 01/01/2017- Alexander was born sleeping 04/13/2017 at 19w1d ic/chorio September 2017 HSG #2 & Gonal-F/Femara/Ovidrel/IUI #1 = ep (Salpingectomy of left fallopian tube) spontaneous BFP 01/02/2018 EDD Aug 30th It's a GIRL! Cerclage placed on 03/02 Cerclage removal 08/02
I think you're in a very tough spot. Speaking from personal experience, you have to go with your gut on this type of thing. After it came out in our family, it took me almost 10 years to have anything to do with the person. I would recommend seeking wise counsel on this--a pastor, Christian counselor, etc. In my experience, your mother may be too close to the situation to give you an objective opinion and people on here don't truly know your situation. It's easy to automatically say 'no, I wouldn't allow my child to be exposed to that person' when you haven't been confronted with it in your personal life. I know I sound vague and probably have an unpopular opinion saying it's not cut & dry...but in my viewpoint relationships are messy especially those with family. How does your husband feel about it?
I'd be happy to talk with you more about it via PM.
Likely an unpopular opinion here - but if it was me I actually would probably allow this depending on a couple of things. I would probably advocate at least the following: - The situation is out in the open, not hush-hush. If there was any question at any time, you feel comfortable bringing it up or should a situation begin to arise that your family would be fine asking that person to leave without hesitation. - That everyone would be aware of your concern in the safety of your child and on the same page of what that person is and is not allowed to do. I personally would not allow physical touch, that would be an absolute boundary. - I probably would have a phone conversation with the person beforehand to voice my concerns, and communicate what my thoughts were. Establishing your expectations, and opportunity to build trust.
This will be something I also face, with a different family member, and a couple other issues that they struggle with. Those people I dearly love, and do believe deserve forgiveness, and opportunities for trust and growth however there will always be strict boundaries, no matter how well they are doing with their mental health. However someone mentioned "why tempt a known offender" and I think this is very accurate which is why establishing what those boundaries look like for you are key.
I have a really hard time saying that a family member or even person is not welcome during a holiday event, unless they are an imminent threat to themselves or others. If anything I think that would likely be the only times I would feel it is appropriate, as I often would not be okay with a one on one meeting with or without my child.
So much of this depends on the relationship with that family member and what you are comfortable with. I personally do not think its any of my business to ask what treatment/counseling they have or have not sought out unless my intent is to encourage them to do so, not as an ultimatum on the relationship - that has just been my experience in family members. No matter what I think you are on the right track to think about it early and establish healthy boundaries, and what works for you.
**editing to add out of anxiety that I may have just upset someone in my response, I think all of the responses you received are valid and that everyone should always do what they are comfortable with in serious situations no matter what anybody else thinks. This hit a personal spot for me and is something I struggle with but I don't want to upset anyone either, I dont think there is really ever a right or perfect answer for things like this!
I have a bit of a harsh opinion on this.... having been the victim of something similar from an adult when I was younger. Under most circumstances, I would absolutely not want to have this person around my children. And especially would not want former victims to have to be around this person either.
However, there are some scenarios where I would allow it. For example, if this person was also a child when these activities took place and close in age to the other children, I may be more understanding. Sometimes children get curious and don't understand the implications or consequences of their actions until they are much older.
If this individual was an adult and was engaging in this behavior with children, I would not want them around my child at all, especially a baby. I would not want to present a temptation. I don't think that guilt is enough to reform someone of that type of unhealthy thinking/behavior. Therapy and counseling would be necessary, in my opinion. All of the sorries in the world won't put back together the broken pieces of a child who is molested by someone they trusted that they would be safe with.
I had a chat with H about this (I hope that's ok?), he just approaches situations differently than I do. His dad is a minister, and he can be kinder/more open minded than me.
Here are kind of our combined thoughts, without knowing more (like Amanda said, not asking for more info,just that our thoughts are only so useful).
I hesitate to bar someone from a family holiday. You've said he has apologized to his victims - has he admitted he has a problem? Will any of those victims be at the same event? Do you have a family member you trust that would be willing to "buddy system" with this person? Make it a condition of him being there. He must be within eye sight/arm's length of this person at all times. It would make him accountable for all actions (no physical touch, no taking photos, etc), but allow him to participate in the family event (and having a buddy could actually make him more comfortable as well). While my child's safety will be paramount, to a degree this is also an illness that must be battled. If he's willing to do the work and accept the conditions (discussed ahead of time), I would probably let him attend.
It's a big no from me, but we are particilarly sensitive. There is a reason we don't speak to members of DH's family. Not my story to tell, but given the allegations, I don't even want those people to know we are having a baby. No reason for them to contact us.
I would have a similar take on it that you said above (it wouldn't let me quote you) that with a baby, he would never be alone with him/her anyway, so I would probably be okay with it.
I would definitely never let my child alone with this person, and would want to limit their contact in general. But, if it's going to be a "we only see uncle johnny on Christmas" situation every year, I probably wouldn't say no he couldn't come. I would just make it very clear he isn't to be holding or left alone with my child.
Thank you everyone for all your comments and advice. It is a very tricky situation because before all of this happened, we were a very very close family. I want to show him that I've forgiven him, but forgiveness is not forgetting. I just had a long conversation with my sister and DH and we ran through several scenarios and how it could be worked out. I think we will limit contact with him to about once a year in a very controlled environment--a restaurant as opposed to a home. And absolutely no holding, kissing, hugging, touching period.
nope. absolutely not. as soon as he crossed that line, he gave up his right to have a family. sorry to be so tough about it. but we've had those issues in my family too. i would rather bar him from seeing anyone than cause any triggers with any of his victims.
I am hoping, that, in writing this, you forgot to mention that this family member has been working with an accredited therapist to, not a be a fucking monster, because the only other option is your family upon learning that this family member is a repeat offending child molester eventually decided it was totes cool to still talk to him and let him come to family functions. And that is fucking horrifying.
Can you imagine being one of the victims, the fucking courage it takes to come forward, the whole fucking family finds out, and just 4 years later, Aunt Susan has Uncle fucking child molester over for Christmas because it's not liked he "raped" anybody?
It took years to tell my mom that I was being molested. I'd be dropping so called family that choose to stay chummy with my molester real fast.
@Bringmemylongswordho I am truly sorry for your past and the pain that has caused you. However, I don't believe you understand my situation. As I said in my original post, my mother has been asked by him if he can join our family for Christmas. I was not the instigator, nor did I invite him over for the holidays. While I have not seen him in 4 years, his two victims have had meetings and conversations with him. It was in their time, and both felt it was necessary to face him in order to find healing. Again, as I said in my original post, my mother has contacted me and each person in my family to ask everyone what their position is on this meeting. If anyone, including the two victims has any hesitations, it's a no for everyone. She was giving me a veto vote as well since I will be the only one with a child at Christmas. Again, I am truly sorry for what you have gone through and I understand your anger.
However, there are some scenarios where I would allow it. For example, if this person was also a child when these activities took place and close in age to the other children, I may be more understanding. Sometimes children get curious and don't understand the implications or consequences of their actions until they are much older.
*snip*
This is exactly what I was coming to say. Some things I would ask myself:
1) how long ago was the most recent known offense? 2) how old was he and how old were the victims? 3) is he remorseful and has he been taking actions to avoid tempting situations by his own initiative? 4) would I be comfortable opening the door with the real possibility of having to close it again later if you find you're uncomfortable or doubtful?
its a tough situation and I'm sorry you're in it.
eta: I think a public space like a restaurant with no physical contact or photos is a good place to start if everyone is comfortable. From there you can decide whether to close the relationship, maintain it in public spaces, etc.
TTGP history (*TW*):
Started TTC Oct 2015 BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016 Re-started TTC Aug 2016 Started IF testing Nov 2016 Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017 BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019
Well I have a "creepy boy uncle" no one really talks about it but we all kinda realize and I had personal experience with him as a child because he lived with us for a time. He travels to Thai land a lot and has been there a few years since the last time he came to town and was asked to leave. Honestly I wouldn't let him touch or hold my kids, I wouldn't purposely even go to the same family event as him (big family I have almost 40 first cousins, we all live in the area but it's impossible to get everyone together at once). No one would ask why because everyone knows but I wouldn't hesitate to be upfront with him or anyone else. I would without a doubt veto in any situation, while I've been working on it's not my place to judge others and there wrong doings, this is one of those things I personally could never get past.
I think as parents its our responsibility and job to protect our children and keep them from harm or the potential for harm. There is far, far too much risk in this situation for me to ever even consider this situation OK or acceptable to meet the job requirement. There is a proven history and record of behaviour here with no real corrective action steps taken. Even if there were I am not sure I would be OK with it. I feel like the OP may have made up her mind on what she is comfortable doing- its not the choice I would have made and I hope she doesn't ever live to regret it.
My answer would depend if this person was a child himself when it happened or an adult. And also how old his victims were. There is a big difference (at least I think) between a 12 & 13 year old vs a 20 & 5 year old.
If it's the latter, then it's probably best to say no contact ever, right from the start.
Being on both sides of situation, being a victim and having someone close to me be an offender.
Growing up I would have said what I hear many people say "if you molest a child then you are a monster and should die." Being a victim of sexual abuse as both a child and an adult, I had strong feelings about it.
Then it was discovered that a family member that I had grown up with and loved did the same thing. And while my feelings for the act did not change, my feelings towards people (in general) did. I don't condone this person's actions in the slightest, but I had to make a decision. Was I going to turn my back on this person or was I going to continue to show love and give support? I chose the latter and I don't regret this decision. However, my decision was largely based on how the individual wanted to proceed with life. Did they truly regret and realize their actions were wrong? Did they seek help for their actions and/or feelings? In this case they did. If they hadn't then well I would have chosen to walk away.
It really comes down to your comfort level with the person. Would I allow my child to be in a room with me while the offender is also in the room. Probably yes. Would I allow the individual to take my child to the bathroom or another room to play? Absolutely not.
Only you know this person enough to make the call. Do what you feel is right.
I too have experience with this. I have 1 uncle in prison for raping his daughter as well as dozens of special needs foster children that passed through his home and another uncle who never "raped" but was inappropriately touching / fondling all the girl cousins. Neither will never be allowed to visit or see my children.
Abusive assholes like that have forfeited all rights to be near kids, and if they don't like it, they have only their own perverted behaviors to blame.
Personally I would feel like the world's shittiest parent if I ever took my kids near them and something ever happened, because I knew about their prior sexual abuse of children and still put my kids in harms way needlessly.
My my parents did this with me and my brother, and I was abused by my uncles whose behavior / predilections my parents were aware of. I hate my parents for it. They knew what my uncles were doing, and they still put helpless children in situations to be abused and assaulted. I suffer from PTSD and terrible anxiety anytime I am in a room alone with men now because of it.
Pissing off a child molester is worth avoiding ruining your kid's life IMHO.
I've read all of the answers and I respect everyone's opinion, but my answer would be no. If I didn't have a baby, then I would say fine, and would keep my distance. But as a parent, why expose your child? If this was a one time event, sure. You can protect your child for one day. But it sounds like this person is starting to try and come to family functions. Once a year, twice, three times? After a few years what does that look like? Nope. I don't want them around my child. I don't want to have to keep my child at arms length at every holiday. Nope.
So, my dad is a physiologist, and has spent the last 30 years working in a state prison system as both a chaplain and a therapist, and I asked him about this last night. He had two main things to say:
1: You are probably not doing someone who struggles with impulses towards children any favors by introducing him to your child, even if it's someone he cares about and wants to know. Even if it's a child they have no desire to hurt, being around kids can often stir up impulses that are better left alone. It might not be your child who gets hurt, but that doesn't mean it's not doing harm.
2: Many, many abuses against children, sexual or otherwise, happen at the hand of a family member, and often because the parents want to believe the best of their loved one. It's easy to say "I will never leave my child alone with that person," but it's harder to practice, especially as the years go on, your child gains more autonomy, and is comfortable with the offender. It's easy to make sure your infant is never alone with the offender, it's harder if they show up unannounced to an event where you aren't when your child is 8, and your kid trusts them enough to go with them because "That's just Uncle So-and-So." Grooming and eventual abuse can be a slow play, but familiarity is where it all starts, an grooming behaviors can take place under the nose of even the most attentive parent.
So, my dad is a physiologist, and has spent the last 30 years working in a state prison system as both a chaplain and a therapist, and I asked him about this last night. He had two main things to say:
1: You are probably not doing someone who struggles with impulses towards children any favors by introducing him to your child, even if it's someone he cares about and wants to know. Even if it's a child they have no desire to hurt, being around kids can often stir up impulses that are better left alone. It might not be your child who gets hurt, but that doesn't mean it's not doing harm.
2: Many, many abuses against children, sexual or otherwise, happen at the hand of a family member, and often because the parents want to believe the best of their loved one. It's easy to say "I will never leave my child alone with that person," but it's harder to practice, especially as the years go on, your child gains more autonomy, and is comfortable with the offender. It's easy to make sure your infant is never alone with the offender, it's harder if they show up unannounced to an even where you aren't when your child is 8, and your kid trusts them enough to go with them because "That's just Uncle So-and-So." Grooming and eventual abuse can be a slow play, but familiarity is where it all starts, an grooming behaviors can take place under the nose of even the most attentive parent.
This.
I actually don't care how old he was when he abused - he was old enough. I don't care how "bad" the abuse was, I don't care how long ago the abuse happened. I also don't care how sorry he is, or how much treatment he has had or not had. I don't care how close of a relative you are. You put your hands on any child, at any age, for any reason inappropriately - you are no longer in my life. And most especially, you will never be in my child's life. Period. I give zero f#@!s how that makes anyone feel.
I think those are some really good points, @amandarene112. I don't think that presenting a previous offender with a tempting situation would be helping them at all with their recovery.
Also, when I was a child, the people I knew that were discovered as child molesters were often what I viewed to be the coolest people and I never for a minute would have believed that they would hurt me. I wouldn't have second guessed my safety being alone with them.
I imagine that once a child were to get older its a situation that would be difficult to maintain control over.
And please for love of all things, teach your kids the correct terms for body parts. If something does happen to them, they need to be able to explicitly say where they were touched. It's a penis, not a tail. It's a vulva/vagina, not pee pee part. There's nothing inappropriate with a small kid using correct terminology. I used to work with toddlers and the names parents came up with for body parts was astounding.
It's nice to forgive and try not to hurt other's feelings but it's not always about comforting the feelings of others. You've gotta do what's best for your little tribe and not think about saving face with everyone.
Re: Advice on Child Molester
I especially wouldn't want their victims to think that there was even the slightest possibility that I condoned their molester's behavior. They've been hurt enough already.
TW:
HSG/FSH/AMH/E2/SA all normal DX: unexplained IF
spontaneous BFP 01/01/2017- Alexander was born sleeping 04/13/2017 at 19w1d ic/chorio
September 2017 HSG #2 & Gonal-F/Femara/Ovidrel/IUI #1 = ep (Salpingectomy of left fallopian tube)
spontaneous BFP 01/02/2018 EDD Aug 30th It's a GIRL!
Cerclage placed on 03/02 Cerclage removal 08/02
I know I sound vague and probably have an unpopular opinion saying it's not cut & dry...but in my viewpoint relationships are messy especially those with family. How does your husband feel about it?
I'd be happy to talk with you more about it via PM.
- The situation is out in the open, not hush-hush. If there was any question at any time, you feel comfortable bringing it up or should a situation begin to arise that your family would be fine asking that person to leave without hesitation.
- That everyone would be aware of your concern in the safety of your child and on the same page of what that person is and is not allowed to do. I personally would not allow physical touch, that would be an absolute boundary.
- I probably would have a phone conversation with the person beforehand to voice my concerns, and communicate what my thoughts were. Establishing your expectations, and opportunity to build trust.
This will be something I also face, with a different family member, and a couple other issues that they struggle with. Those people I dearly love, and do believe deserve forgiveness, and opportunities for trust and growth however there will always be strict boundaries, no matter how well they are doing with their mental health. However someone mentioned "why tempt a known offender" and I think this is very accurate which is why establishing what those boundaries look like for you are key.
I have a really hard time saying that a family member or even person is not welcome during a holiday event, unless they are an imminent threat to themselves or others. If anything I think that would likely be the only times I would feel it is appropriate, as I often would not be okay with a one on one meeting with or without my child.
So much of this depends on the relationship with that family member and what you are comfortable with. I personally do not think its any of my business to ask what treatment/counseling they have or have not sought out unless my intent is to encourage them to do so, not as an ultimatum on the relationship - that has just been my experience in family members. No matter what I think you are on the right track to think about it early and establish healthy boundaries, and what works for you.
**editing to add out of anxiety that I may have just upset someone in my response, I think all of the responses you received are valid and that everyone should always do what they are comfortable with in serious situations no matter what anybody else thinks. This hit a personal spot for me and is something I struggle with but I don't want to upset anyone either, I dont think there is really ever a right or perfect answer for things like this!
However, there are some scenarios where I would allow it. For example, if this person was also a child when these activities took place and close in age to the other children, I may be more understanding. Sometimes children get curious and don't understand the implications or consequences of their actions until they are much older.
If this individual was an adult and was engaging in this behavior with children, I would not want them around my child at all, especially a baby. I would not want to present a temptation. I don't think that guilt is enough to reform someone of that type of unhealthy thinking/behavior. Therapy and counseling would be necessary, in my opinion. All of the sorries in the world won't put back together the broken pieces of a child who is molested by someone they trusted that they would be safe with.
Here are kind of our combined thoughts, without knowing more (like Amanda said, not asking for more info,just that our thoughts are only so useful).
I hesitate to bar someone from a family holiday. You've said he has apologized to his victims - has he admitted he has a problem? Will any of those victims be at the same event? Do you have a family member you trust that would be willing to "buddy system" with this person? Make it a condition of him being there. He must be within eye sight/arm's length of this person at all times. It would make him accountable for all actions (no physical touch, no taking photos, etc), but allow him to participate in the family event (and having a buddy could actually make him more comfortable as well). While my child's safety will be paramount, to a degree this is also an illness that must be battled. If he's willing to do the work and accept the conditions (discussed ahead of time), I would probably let him attend.
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Me 34 DH 34
PCOS
Baby number 2 due 4/11/20
I would definitely never let my child alone with this person, and would want to limit their contact in general. But, if it's going to be a "we only see uncle johnny on Christmas" situation every year, I probably wouldn't say no he couldn't come. I would just make it very clear he isn't to be holding or left alone with my child.
I just had a long conversation with my sister and DH and we ran through several scenarios and how it could be worked out. I think we will limit contact with him to about once a year in a very controlled environment--a restaurant as opposed to a home. And absolutely no holding, kissing, hugging, touching period.
as soon as he crossed that line, he gave up his right to have a family. sorry to be so tough about it. but we've had those issues in my family too. i would rather bar him from seeing anyone than cause any triggers with any of his victims.
Can you imagine being one of the victims, the fucking courage it takes to come forward, the whole fucking family finds out, and just 4 years later, Aunt Susan has Uncle fucking child molester over for Christmas because it's not liked he "raped" anybody?
It took years to tell my mom that I was being molested. I'd be dropping so called family that choose to stay chummy with my molester real fast.
Again, I am truly sorry for what you have gone through and I understand your anger.
1) how long ago was the most recent known offense?
2) how old was he and how old were the victims?
3) is he remorseful and has he been taking actions to avoid tempting situations by his own initiative?
4) would I be comfortable opening the door with the real possibility of having to close it again later if you find you're uncomfortable or doubtful?
its a tough situation and I'm sorry you're in it.
eta: I think a public space like a restaurant with no physical contact or photos is a good place to start if everyone is comfortable. From there you can decide whether to close the relationship, maintain it in public spaces, etc.
BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016
Re-started TTC Aug 2016
Started IF testing Nov 2016
Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017
BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019
My answer would depend if this person was a child himself when it happened or an adult. And also how old his victims were. There is a big difference (at least I think) between a 12 & 13 year old vs a 20 & 5 year old.
If it's the latter, then it's probably best to say no contact ever, right from the start.
Growing up I would have said what I hear many people say "if you molest a child then you are a monster and should die." Being a victim of sexual abuse as both a child and an adult, I had strong feelings about it.
Then it was discovered that a family member that I had grown up with and loved did the same thing. And while my feelings for the act did not change, my feelings towards people (in general) did. I don't condone this person's actions in the slightest, but I had to make a decision. Was I going to turn my back on this person or was I going to continue to show love and give support? I chose the latter and I don't regret this decision. However, my decision was largely based on how the individual wanted to proceed with life. Did they truly regret and realize their actions were wrong? Did they seek help for their actions and/or feelings? In this case they did. If they hadn't then well I would have chosen to walk away.
It really comes down to your comfort level with the person. Would I allow my child to be in a room with me while the offender is also in the room. Probably yes. Would I allow the individual to take my child to the bathroom or another room to play? Absolutely not.
Only you know this person enough to make the call. Do what you feel is right.
Abusive assholes like that have forfeited all rights to be near kids, and if they don't like it, they have only their own perverted behaviors to blame.
Personally I would feel like the world's shittiest parent if I ever took my kids near them and something ever happened, because I knew about their prior sexual abuse of children and still put my kids in harms way needlessly.
My my parents did this with me and my brother, and I was abused by my uncles whose behavior / predilections my parents were aware of. I hate my parents for it. They knew what my uncles were doing, and they still put helpless children in situations to be abused and assaulted. I suffer from PTSD and terrible anxiety anytime I am in a room alone with men now because of it.
Pissing off a child molester is worth avoiding ruining your kid's life IMHO.
1: You are probably not doing someone who struggles with impulses towards children any favors by introducing him to your child, even if it's someone he cares about and wants to know. Even if it's a child they have no desire to hurt, being around kids can often stir up impulses that are better left alone. It might not be your child who gets hurt, but that doesn't mean it's not doing harm.
2: Many, many abuses against children, sexual or otherwise, happen at the hand of a family member, and often because the parents want to believe the best of their loved one. It's easy to say "I will never leave my child alone with that person," but it's harder to practice, especially as the years go on, your child gains more autonomy, and is comfortable with the offender. It's easy to make sure your infant is never alone with the offender, it's harder if they show up unannounced to an event where you aren't when your child is 8, and your kid trusts them enough to go with them because "That's just Uncle So-and-So." Grooming and eventual abuse can be a slow play, but familiarity is where it all starts, an grooming behaviors can take place under the nose of even the most attentive parent.
I actually don't care how old he was when he abused - he was old enough. I don't care how "bad" the abuse was, I don't care how long ago the abuse happened. I also don't care how sorry he is, or how much treatment he has had or not had. I don't care how close of a relative you are. You put your hands on any child, at any age, for any reason inappropriately - you are no longer in my life. And most especially, you will never be in my child's life. Period. I give zero f#@!s how that makes anyone feel.
Also, when I was a child, the people I knew that were discovered as child molesters were often what I viewed to be the coolest people and I never for a minute would have believed that they would hurt me. I wouldn't have second guessed my safety being alone with them.
I imagine that once a child were to get older its a situation that would be difficult to maintain control over.