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September 2017 Moms
mrsmarygs
member
Advice on Child Molester
mrsmarygs
member
I don't want to go into much detail because I feel it is not my story to tell, but I have a close family member who molested several of my family members. It never went as far as rape, but there was inappropriate touching and cuddling. It came to light about four years ago, and I have not seen this family member since. It took about a year before I even answered his texts, and another year before I would talk on the phone with him. I didn't invite him to my wedding more for the sake of his victims than my feelings.
My mother has informed me that he has asked to see the family over Christmas, but will deny him this opportunity if even one of us feels against it. My question now that I have a baby on the way, is what precautions and safeguards should I put in place regarding my child? I have no qualms now against seeing him, we just haven't because we live in two different states. But should I let him see my 3 month old (at Christmas)? Should I let him hold him/her? Should I only meet with him alone and let him be content with pictures?
My mother has informed me that he has asked to see the family over Christmas, but will deny him this opportunity if even one of us feels against it. My question now that I have a baby on the way, is what precautions and safeguards should I put in place regarding my child? I have no qualms now against seeing him, we just haven't because we live in two different states. But should I let him see my 3 month old (at Christmas)? Should I let him hold him/her? Should I only meet with him alone and let him be content with pictures?
Re: Advice on Child Molester
I especially wouldn't want their victims to think that there was even the slightest possibility that I condoned their molester's behavior. They've been hurt enough already.
TW:
HSG/FSH/AMH/E2/SA all normal DX: unexplained IF
spontaneous BFP 01/01/2017- Alexander was born sleeping 04/13/2017 at 19w1d ic/chorio
September 2017 HSG #2 & Gonal-F/Femara/Ovidrel/IUI #1 = ep (Salpingectomy of left fallopian tube)
spontaneous BFP 01/02/2018 EDD Aug 30th It's a GIRL!
Cerclage placed on 03/02
I know I sound vague and probably have an unpopular opinion saying it's not cut & dry...but in my viewpoint relationships are messy especially those with family. How does your husband feel about it?
I'd be happy to talk with you more about it via PM.
- The situation is out in the open, not hush-hush. If there was any question at any time, you feel comfortable bringing it up or should a situation begin to arise that your family would be fine asking that person to leave without hesitation.
- That everyone would be aware of your concern in the safety of your child and on the same page of what that person is and is not allowed to do. I personally would not allow physical touch, that would be an absolute boundary.
- I probably would have a phone conversation with the person beforehand to voice my concerns, and communicate what my thoughts were. Establishing your expectations, and opportunity to build trust.
This will be something I also face, with a different family member, and a couple other issues that they struggle with. Those people I dearly love, and do believe deserve forgiveness, and opportunities for trust and growth however there will always be strict boundaries, no matter how well they are doing with their mental health. However someone mentioned "why tempt a known offender" and I think this is very accurate which is why establishing what those boundaries look like for you are key.
I have a really hard time saying that a family member or even person is not welcome during a holiday event, unless they are an imminent threat to themselves or others. If anything I think that would likely be the only times I would feel it is appropriate, as I often would not be okay with a one on one meeting with or without my child.
So much of this depends on the relationship with that family member and what you are comfortable with. I personally do not think its any of my business to ask what treatment/counseling they have or have not sought out unless my intent is to encourage them to do so, not as an ultimatum on the relationship - that has just been my experience in family members. No matter what I think you are on the right track to think about it early and establish healthy boundaries, and what works for you.
**editing to add out of anxiety that I may have just upset someone in my response, I think all of the responses you received are valid and that everyone should always do what they are comfortable with in serious situations no matter what anybody else thinks. This hit a personal spot for me and is something I struggle with but I don't want to upset anyone either, I dont think there is really ever a right or perfect answer for things like this!
However, there are some scenarios where I would allow it. For example, if this person was also a child when these activities took place and close in age to the other children, I may be more understanding. Sometimes children get curious and don't understand the implications or consequences of their actions until they are much older.
If this individual was an adult and was engaging in this behavior with children, I would not want them around my child at all, especially a baby. I would not want to present a temptation. I don't think that guilt is enough to reform someone of that type of unhealthy thinking/behavior. Therapy and counseling would be necessary, in my opinion. All of the sorries in the world won't put back together the broken pieces of a child who is molested by someone they trusted that they would be safe with.
Here are kind of our combined thoughts, without knowing more (like Amanda said, not asking for more info,just that our thoughts are only so useful).
I hesitate to bar someone from a family holiday. You've said he has apologized to his victims - has he admitted he has a problem? Will any of those victims be at the same event? Do you have a family member you trust that would be willing to "buddy system" with this person? Make it a condition of him being there. He must be within eye sight/arm's length of this person at all times. It would make him accountable for all actions (no physical touch, no taking photos, etc), but allow him to participate in the family event (and having a buddy could actually make him more comfortable as well). While my child's safety will be paramount, to a degree this is also an illness that must be battled. If he's willing to do the work and accept the conditions (discussed ahead of time), I would probably let him attend.
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Me 34 DH 34
PCOS
Baby number 2 due 4/11/20
I would definitely never let my child alone with this person, and would want to limit their contact in general. But, if it's going to be a "we only see uncle johnny on Christmas" situation every year, I probably wouldn't say no he couldn't come. I would just make it very clear he isn't to be holding or left alone with my child.
I just had a long conversation with my sister and DH and we ran through several scenarios and how it could be worked out. I think we will limit contact with him to about once a year in a very controlled environment--a restaurant as opposed to a home. And absolutely no holding, kissing, hugging, touching period.
as soon as he crossed that line, he gave up his right to have a family. sorry to be so tough about it. but we've had those issues in my family too. i would rather bar him from seeing anyone than cause any triggers with any of his victims.
Can you imagine being one of the victims, the fucking courage it takes to come forward, the whole fucking family finds out, and just 4 years later, Aunt Susan has Uncle fucking child molester over for Christmas because it's not liked he "raped" anybody?
It took years to tell my mom that I was being molested. I'd be dropping so called family that choose to stay chummy with my molester real fast.
Again, I am truly sorry for what you have gone through and I understand your anger.
1) how long ago was the most recent known offense?
2) how old was he and how old were the victims?
3) is he remorseful and has he been taking actions to avoid tempting situations by his own initiative?
4) would I be comfortable opening the door with the real possibility of having to close it again later if you find you're uncomfortable or doubtful?
its a tough situation and I'm sorry you're in it.
eta: I think a public space like a restaurant with no physical contact or photos is a good place to start if everyone is comfortable. From there you can decide whether to close the relationship, maintain it in public spaces, etc.
BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016
Re-started TTC Aug 2016
Started IF testing Nov 2016
Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017
BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019
June Siggy Challenge: Workout
My answer would depend if this person was a child himself when it happened or an adult. And also how old his victims were. There is a big difference (at least I think) between a 12 & 13 year old vs a 20 & 5 year old.
If it's the latter, then it's probably best to say no contact ever, right from the start.
Growing up I would have said what I hear many people say "if you molest a child then you are a monster and should die." Being a victim of sexual abuse as both a child and an adult, I had strong feelings about it.
Then it was discovered that a family member that I had grown up with and loved did the same thing. And while my feelings for the act did not change, my feelings towards people (in general) did. I don't condone this person's actions in the slightest, but I had to make a decision. Was I going to turn my back on this person or was I going to continue to show love and give support? I chose the latter and I don't regret this decision. However, my decision was largely based on how the individual wanted to proceed with life. Did they truly regret and realize their actions were wrong? Did they seek help for their actions and/or feelings? In this case they did. If they hadn't then well I would have chosen to walk away.
It really comes down to your comfort level with the person. Would I allow my child to be in a room with me while the offender is also in the room. Probably yes. Would I allow the individual to take my child to the bathroom or another room to play? Absolutely not.
Only you know this person enough to make the call. Do what you feel is right.
Abusive assholes like that have forfeited all rights to be near kids, and if they don't like it, they have only their own perverted behaviors to blame.
Personally I would feel like the world's shittiest parent if I ever took my kids near them and something ever happened, because I knew about their prior sexual abuse of children and still put my kids in harms way needlessly.
My my parents did this with me and my brother, and I was abused by my uncles whose behavior / predilections my parents were aware of. I hate my parents for it. They knew what my uncles were doing, and they still put helpless children in situations to be abused and assaulted. I suffer from PTSD and terrible anxiety anytime I am in a room alone with men now because of it.
Pissing off a child molester is worth avoiding ruining your kid's life IMHO.
1: You are probably not doing someone who struggles with impulses towards children any favors by introducing him to your child, even if it's someone he cares about and wants to know. Even if it's a child they have no desire to hurt, being around kids can often stir up impulses that are better left alone. It might not be your child who gets hurt, but that doesn't mean it's not doing harm.
2: Many, many abuses against children, sexual or otherwise, happen at the hand of a family member, and often because the parents want to believe the best of their loved one. It's easy to say "I will never leave my child alone with that person," but it's harder to practice, especially as the years go on, your child gains more autonomy, and is comfortable with the offender. It's easy to make sure your infant is never alone with the offender, it's harder if they show up unannounced to an event where you aren't when your child is 8, and your kid trusts them enough to go with them because "That's just Uncle So-and-So." Grooming and eventual abuse can be a slow play, but familiarity is where it all starts, an grooming behaviors can take place under the nose of even the most attentive parent.
I actually don't care how old he was when he abused - he was old enough. I don't care how "bad" the abuse was, I don't care how long ago the abuse happened. I also don't care how sorry he is, or how much treatment he has had or not had. I don't care how close of a relative you are. You put your hands on any child, at any age, for any reason inappropriately - you are no longer in my life. And most especially, you will never be in my child's life. Period. I give zero f#@!s how that makes anyone feel.
Also, when I was a child, the people I knew that were discovered as child molesters were often what I viewed to be the coolest people and I never for a minute would have believed that they would hurt me. I wouldn't have second guessed my safety being alone with them.
I imagine that once a child were to get older its a situation that would be difficult to maintain control over.