Trying to keep it together

tfrangul · March 2017

Hi ladies. Im not one to post stuff like this but I really like this group and I'm hoping to find someone who has been through something similar and really just some words of encouragement.
Ok so trying to keep this short. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and have a love for each other I never imagined. He took my daughter in as his own no questions asked. He is the only dad she knows. We had our son Dec 2015. This last year had been pretty overwhelming because he started using meth. He was hospitalized twice in 2016 and has been sober since his last hospitalization which was the beginning of November. At that time he was also diagnosed with psychosis. After a month of treatment for drugs and his illness he came home. I got pregnant immediately. Since being home he has been getting progressively worse (severe paranoia and delusions) last weekend I had to call the police and contact his doctor. He was hospitalized again on Monday. They are now saying it is schizophrenia. I love this man and vowed in sickness and health. He has been court ordered to do injections once a month. I know if he takes the meds he will be ok. My family and my husband s family are everything but supportive. I have been the only one working for over a year and trying to hold this family together. My dad went as far as saying yesterday, "what are you maintaining? You have nothing." I am also dealing with our house in foreclosure and fraud. Our "normal" lives have been turned upside down in such a short time and somehow I haven't cracked yet. Sorry for the book just wondering if any of you have dealt with severe mental health and have any advice? Thank you in advance!

Jamiern01 · March 2017

So sorry you are having to deal with all this. I wish I could offer some advise but all I can say is stay strong and do what you need to do for you and your babies! Mental illness is such a hard thing to deal with.

DPandMB · March 2017

I have no advice either. I am so sorry you are going through this and you are very strong to try and keep it all together.

sugarpixxie2 · March 2017

I have family members (an uncle and a cousin) who are schizophrenic but not a significant other. It is a huge spectrum so the diagnosis itself won't tell you what his life will be like. My uncle used to live independently (but next door to us so we could monitor him and make sure he was taking care of himself) but he currently lives in a VA assisted facility. He is on track to move out and be in his own again though and possibly get his driver's license. He is an awesome person but the trouble with this disease is the medications stop working at some point and you have to change the doses to find out what works again. If you can stick through it all I hope it works out! Whatever is best for your babies.

tfrangul · March 2017

@sugarpixxie2 I am grateful for the fact that my husband's doctor is awesome and has been super supportive. From what he has said since it was caught in such early stages he has a better chance at a "normal" life. I am hoping and praying that this is true. My husband is such a good person and this has just been so scary for all of us. But yes my children do come first. No matter how much I love him. They are innocent little beings and they need me more.

msashley2010-2 · March 2017

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. My father was diagnosed with schizo-effective disorder and manic depressive disorder when I was just a child. I don't recall him ever seeing things but he did hear things and he would warp the things that he did see into something more frightening than they were. With treatment, he improved greatly. It was a long road finding a medication that worked properly though. And the transition through medicine changes were difficult for everyone. My father was an amazing person, father and grandfather and it was so hard to see him battle with these types of issues. I never felt that he deserved to go through that.

My mother did everything that she could to help him. She stood by him throughout all of it until the day he passed. The last fifteen years of his life you would have never known that he was mentally ill. I began to realize that my mother depended on him just as much as he depended on her and they truly weathered the storm and made it through.

I can most certainly relate to the helplessness you feel with your situation. Especially with going through pregnancy as well, I cannot imagine. Of course you want what is best for you and your children but you love your husband as well.

The main thing I would think about in your situation is how your husband responds to treatment and whether or not he poses any risk to you and your children. For a short while we were separated from my dad until he agreed to seek treatment.

I wish you the absolute best. If you ever need anyone to talk to please feel free to PM me anytime.

SuperKristy85 · March 2017

I am so sorry you're going through all of this it sounds like a lot and you sound like a very strong person. I don't have any experience with schizophrenia. I know this is very different but my mother has suffered her entire life from extreme untreated bipolar disorder and like your husband and many with mental illnesses she also began abusing drugs. This part of what you're going through I have been through and it is very hard on loved ones to watch and live through. Obviously I don't know your husband's back story but I would imagine even being undiagnosed his family had dealt with symptoms for a long time. While I don't want to say the way his family is acting is ok I can completely understand where they are coming from. There was a good 4-5 year period where o could not handle my mom anymore and I refused to see or speak to her. With that being said your husband is lucky to have you in his life and while each individual person has to want to find help and accept the treatment on their own (the more we try to force them into it the worse the situation becomes) it does world's for them to have that supportive person. Your decision to stand by him and support him as long as you think it makes sense for your family will never be wrong even if no one else can see it. If I were you I would consider a support group or therapy to help you manage all of that stress! I hope he gets the help he needs and you guys make it through This!

mercury94 · March 2017

I have a cousin with schizophrenia. He was able to live a normal life with meds, but would stop taking them. He's now in a state hospital, but on his meds, so he can get away sometimes for weddings and stuff. I think a big issue with him is that he needs someone to make sure he is in his meds.

tfrangul · March 2017

@Msashley2010 thank you for your support and advice. It made me cry! I did leave my husband for awhile last year right before he was hospitalized. He was so lost and i felt horrible but I knew what I needed to do for my kids.
@SuperKristy85 his parents have no reason to just throw him away like they have. His mental health issues are very recent. He is very young. Only 27, and moved out when he was 18. They just don't want to "deal" with him. They haven't seen or asked about the kids in 3 months and they live 10 min away. They just suck and it hurts me because I know it hurts my husband.

SuperKristy85 · March 2017

@tfrangul I agree with you and i didn't mean to make it sound like they did. It's just a tough situation for you :-(

tfrangul · March 2017

@SuperKristy85 I did not mean for that to come off rude. I just thought I would explain more. I just don't understand them and I never will I guess. I do appreciate your advice and I have been looking into some family therapy and different support group stuff. I am going to talk to my pastor tomorrow as well.

wyomama0427 · March 2017

I have no personal experience but I wanted to say that I am so very sorry that you are going through this and I really hope everything turns out okay for you and your family. Sending big creepy internet hugs to you.

HollyGolightly09 · March 2017

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, a lot of mentally ill people do turn to drugs to try to "fix" what is going on. You are right that as long as he does stick with the right medication, he should be able to function normally. Is he going to be seeing a therapist, too? (Sorry if you said that and I missed it.)

I can't even imagine how difficult this must be to go through while pregnant. Don't forget to take care of yourself!

msashley2010-2 · March 2017

@tfrangul You should never feel guilty for leaving (even if temporarily) a situation that could be potentially harmful to you and your children.

Hopefully he responds well to treatment and becomes more like himself with time, especially with your love and support. His children are also a perfect reason and motivation to work toward getting better. Sometimes, depending on the person, it takes a little while to get the dosages just right and sometimes medicine changes can temporarily worsen symptoms until people are used to them.

I truly feel for you because my family loved through this as well. Ultimately our story ended up being a happy one because my father found himself again and he sought treatment way way later in life than your husband currently is. Hopefully with him being young and actively being treated, he will have a great opportunity to improve.

You and your family will be in my thoughts!!

beccam1230 · March 2017

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any experience with this, but I really wish there was something I could do for you. I'll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

tfrangul · March 2017

@HollyGolightly09 yes he will be seeking therapy as well.
@Msashley2010 yes his kids are a huge motivation for him. I dropped some stuff off at the hospital this morning and this is not supposed to be allowed but the nurses let him come to the door and let him hold our son! It was a beautiful and heart breakingmoment. They both just hugged each other and the baby just held him. They were both so happy to see each other. I wanted to hug him and hold him but he is very upset with me at the moment...ill deal with it as long as he is getting better.

yasandson · March 2017

I feel useless, as i have no advice. Just wanted to say im sending positive thoughts your way, ill be praying for your husband, your kids n u. I sincerely hope your fam will wake up and offer you both the support you need! Hugzzzz ❤️be strong mama, ur hubby and kids need you to.

mrs_tacos · March 2017

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think you've gotten some good feedback, here. I have never dealt with schizophrenia, but other mental health disorders, like bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, run in my family, and I know it can be so hard to watch someone you love dearly struggle so much. I really commend you for being willing to stick with him through thick and thin, he's lucky to have you!

I think at this point, my two of my big concern would be 1:making sure the drug use is truly over, and 2: working with doctors and mental health professionals to figure out what kind of life you can expect to lead. Have you talked with anyone other than his doctor? Maybe a psychiatrist who is an expert on schizophrenia who can help give you a better perspective on what you can do to help him, what reasonable limits are to helping him, etc?

jessieR358 · March 2017

This sounds very overwhelming and I am sorry you are going through this. This is typically when schizophrenia presents itself. It is normally early-mid 20s. I have a cousin that is schizophrenic and it can be rough for her family. She does monthly injections as well because she didn't like taking re medicine. Once she is off the paranoia is extreme and she has to be hospitalized. With the injections she has been fine for at least 5 years.
Honestly, the meth is what I would have a huge issue with WAY over the mental illness. Meth will only make his mental illness worse. Not to mention it is illegal and you could have your children taken away if he does it in the home, etc.
if he keeps taking the medication like he should and continues treatment he *should* be ok. It could change his personality due to the medication side effects. But if he doesn't do what he is supposed to and continues a destructive path I would be out of there so fast.

tfrangul · March 2017

@amandarene112 yes the drug use it truly over. The meth was not something I ever saw coming but once he got clean he made it very clear that was something he never wanted anything to do with ever again. And he saw what he missed with the kids and the damage he has truly done to our family. His doctor is a psychologist who has a decade of experience working in major mental health hospitals. He has been very informative and supportive with all of this. I do plan on looking into other therapies as well though.

tfrangul · March 2017

@jessieR358 that is confronting to hear about the injections with your cousin. His doctor and the hospital staff seem very confident with them and he had a hard time taking pills mainly because he was paranoid I was trying to make him sleep so I could do other things. When really I wanted him to get better and so I could sleep.
Obviously his drug use was the main reason I left. I grew up with addicts and I refuse to raise my children like that. He knows what he did was wrong and he's a good man and loves the kids and never wants to lose us again. He's clean. I've made him take drug tests.

rosemomma · March 2017

I have no advice to give but wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're walking through this. You're one tough Mama. At the end of the day it comes down to doing what's best for you and for your babies. ((Big hugs))

Hopefulmommy1980 · March 2017

Sorry you are going through this.

jutondreau · March 2017

I commend you for sticking by him and taking your vows seriously. I know how to tough it is from a medical standpoint (as a provider) dealing with those suffering with mental illnesses, but not on a personal level. I have seen the tolls it takes on their loved ones & want to tell you that by continuing to support and love him is doing the right thing. On the other hand, realizing you have to also come first and your kids is key (which it seems from your post you have already realized this). As others have said, getting a support person or group for yourself and your kids is key--be it your church family, a mental health counselor, a group of families that also deal with mental illnesses. Hang in there mama! Sending thoughts & prayers your way.

tfrangul · March 2017

@jutondreau I actually did reach out to a couple organizations today.of course it is Saturday so I had to leave messages but it made me feel better knowing I made the calls. I also need to get my own vehicle. I spoke to a dealership last week. The phone calls are even overwhelming! And to top it off my step mom started drilling me after she dropped my daughter off from seeing a movie. I told her they can see the kids but I don't need the negativity so I have no desire to see her or my dad.

tfrangul · March 2017

Hey ladies! I can't thank you all enough for your kind words and support and positive thoughts and prayers for my family. I thought I would give you all an update. I talked to my pastor yesterday at church and I have made some more calls about getting a therapist for my daughter. I already see one. I also called some other places for resources. Today I got some great news from the hospital. This is the first time I have got to talk to someone since my husband was mad at me at first and didn't sign a release for me to speak to anyone. The diagnosis they gave him was undefined psychosis. So not schizophrenia! Also he is responding very well to his medication already. They said he has made great progress and has even started to take responsibility for his actions. This is huge for him! I told the social worker I have noticed a huge difference just by his phone calls. I know it is still early but this is the best he has responded to anything so far. I just thought I would share!

Jamiern01 · March 2017

So glad to hear you are getting help and your DH is responding to treatment. Continued prayers that all continues to improve.

Sugargirl1019 · March 2017

@tfrangul I am thrilled to hear your husband is improving!!

Deems83 · March 2017

So happy to hear he is improving. At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you and your family and take it one day at a time. Sending positive thoughts your way!

kelseyrayay · March 2017

I'm so happy for you

BecauseLove · March 2017

I am sorry you are going though this. My only experience with something close to this was a fellow I dated/moved into my home for roughly 2 years. They were the most intense 2 years of my life. The roller coaster constantly felt like I had to monitor everything (always on edge) or the world was going to crash. Sometimes the adrenaline and my super power of keeping it together felt good...but a lot of the time I was just freaked out and felt way to normal to be dealing with such extremes. I also had a lot of anger bottled up from all I was going through trying to keep things ok. And my trust had been damaged pretty intensely.

I have to say when it ended and it ended badly (things got physical in a way I never knew I could or would experience...one of the scariest moments of my life...and that wasn't the end of us...the end of us was me pleading him to get help and him deciding he didn't like my nagging and wanted to be done) ...I was sad that I wasn't able to do better by him (and I felt like I had loved him...but maybe not in a romantic way the last chunk of time maybe more in a desperate and care taker sorta way) and scared about what I put up with (and my willingness to keep putting up with it...even when I tried to create better boundaries).

I also have to say I can't thank my family enough for standing by me even though they were watching my life go down the drain trying to help him...they had so much empathy for him but knew that I was being sacrificed in the process but they let me get to a place I could walk away on my own. I know how hard it can be to have others know the struggle your facing...especially his and your family...or friends.

You and I are not the same person or even the same situation (I wasn't married and he didn't seek help) but I do have to say as much as I tried to keep the ship afloat, and him healthy and me moving forward in my life the whole time I was with him I was stunting my potential...my joy...my future...as well as creating a person that isn't me.

I applaud your drive to keep things together and all your doing to keep the vows and the love you have for your husband.

My best advice for you is to seek counseling for yourself and potentially some couples counseling too. That should help give you someone to provide support and processing for you that you don't have to worry about their feelings about him or consequences from what you say. It should give you space to process what you need for yourself and your kiddo...and what you can do to support this person that you love. You may also want to look at attending some NAMI support groups. I even just joined some online fb groups so I could get support or see others in similar situations as I was in with my partner at the time (both in the good and bad ways..helped gave me some clarity)

tfrangul · March 2017

@BecauseLove I appreciate your story. Sounds like you were putting a lot into that relationship and it's too bad he never got help. I am in therapy and we are scheduled for couples therapy already. I posted some updates and I have been reaching out to different places.

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