I've overall been doing well, but today I woke up in the worst mood. Work is stressful because in an emergency I was the one who needed to take on extra work this semester in my department. Bad timing for sure but I wanted to be a team player (and we could use the extra $). In spite of being in a terrible mood, most of my work day went at least "ok" and the very end of the work day finished out quite positively.
But then we had the evening from HELL at home. DS, who has some as of yet undiagnosed mood disorder (I've been saying he's "special needs" on this board before), had a BAD afternoon/evening. Our cleaners came today and he knew this and had been warned about it for days. Anyhow, it meant that I cleaned up his lego scenarios (he was supposed to do it himself but didn't finish.) Before we even got home he was really upset about it. When we did get home, he had an hour-long meltdown that included things like throwing things in the playroom, climbing over our fence outdoors to try to escape to the street, etc. Then he flipped the switch eventually and suddenly started spontaneously doing nice things for everyone in the family, was extremely affectionate, positive, happy, etc. (He often has these REALLY high moods with extreme generosity, affection, joy, energy...but then also has these REALLY big blow-ups when upset that can get downright dangerous, like the escape today.) Dinner was ok, though DH and I were shell-shocked and literally just taking deep breaths to calm down (him even more so--he didn't even eat right away with us and just sat there--he was engaged with parenting but literally couldn't serve himself a plate.) THEN to top it off, DD had a long tantrum of her own regarding a bath and then toothpaste...mostly the toothpaste. She was probably affected by DS's earlier blow-up, as well as how her bedtime was made a bit later than intended because of all of the earlier events.
The night ended up fine because DD went to sleep and DS was still in his vastly improved positive mood. But boy was it a doozy! Thank GOD DH was home! It's the worst when things like this happen when I'm solo parenting, though this level of DS meltdown is quite rare.
@kat81 Ohhh what an afternoon! I can imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking it is for you to deal with DS tantrums and not have an exact reason why he has them! I taught in a special needs preschool classroom my first year out of college and when I was reading your description about his tantrum I instantly thought of one of my students. He too was at the time waiting a diagnosis. He was such the sweetest boy when his moods completely switched and I just felt so awful for him when he was having an outburst because you just want to help! Hugs to you mama!
Married 03.09.09 Sweet Baby H 12.21.11 Sassy Baby P 03.26.14 Little Brother Due 05.22.17
Hi girls, first time posting on a mental health check-in. I read you all have to struggle with different things and I'm so sorry for all of you. I was pretty ok up to now and then we had to visit hospitals. None of them seems appropriate. I live in Mexico, where the C-section rate is about 80%, plus the babies aren't always allowed to share the mother's room and I'm panicking at the idea that I won't see my baby for the first 8-10h of his life. My ob/gyn isn't very supportive either (but he could be worse): he works with strict rules like episiotomy and epidural in ALL cases and only in strict hospitals with zillions of restrictive protocols. At least, he agrees that I don't seem to need a C-section (but most of the ob\gyn here find a stupid excuse last minute and you end up with a C-section).
So, I talked to a doula and I am now considering changing ob/gym at 31 weeks and it's scaring.
On top of that, yesterday, during our monthly visit, the doctor excited baby to make him move just to have a better view of his face on the U/S...which turned out to be terrible. I was so sad that I even found my baby ugly. And now I'm concerned I might not unconditionally love him after all.
I probably just need some ice cream and a good night sleep. Sorry to share this with you .
So sorry to hear this, it must be so frustrating to have to find a new health care provider so late into your pregnancy, but it seems like the right thing to do. Best of luck in your search for someone who is more aligned with your needs for care. I'm sure your baby will be precious and adorable and you'll love him no matter what. Maybe he was agitated with this awful doctor you have! Can't wait to see his cute little face when you share your happy birth story!
Sorry to skip responding and participating, but I've been struggling. It's hard for me to even open the bump and be here because I feel so disconnected by sadness. It's hard for me to engage. I feel checked out.
I recently found out I have gestational diabetes. Aside from all the terribleness of that diagnosis, it also puts my ability to give birth at the birth center in jeopardy. Plus I can't stop worrying about the baby!!
All of this emotion I'm having (crying spells, general moroseness) makes me worried about PPD. I'm a mess of worry, fear, and sadness.
auro_c, don't worry about not finding your baby attractive in the US! The 3D scans make the baby look like cheese and the regular scans sometimes look like skeletons - definitely not always cute! I hope you find a doctor that'll listen to your wishes. 80% is a super high number of c-sections; I had no idea it was like that.
@jayandaplus, I'm sorry you had a GD diagnosis and it's impacting your birth plans. There are a lot of women with GD who have healthy babies, so I'm sure you don't have to worry about that as long as you're under a doctor's care.
Me: 29, DH: 31 Married: October 2014 Began TTC: April 2015 BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w) BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w) BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17 BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19.
@jayandaplus: You are not alone. I understand the checked-out feeling. Sometimes it feels like nothing will get better, and the sadness is just so... overwhelming. It's impossible to look happily upon the pregnancy when the day to day is such a grind, and so crushing. It's really tough but you're not alone in this! Try to check in here once or twice a week. You'll at least see that we (others) have issues too. Does that sound like something you could try to do? Would that be an attainable goal? Don't worry about completely engaging with everyone, that's not the point. The goal would be to show up. What do you think?
Looking ahead: Maybe we could chat next about what has helped you in past similar situations.... and I'd suggest to consider finding a professional to talk with soon, too, because they are there to help, and if you could head this off at the pass, before a crisis happens, it'd be better, right?, and it might be easier to tackle sooner rather than later. Please think about it? Take care, chat soon!
@jayandaplus I love @SKZW suggestion to try and check in here sometimes. You're noticed when you're not here If you need to take a break, that's okay too. Sometimes it's okay to just feel sad and do a little wallowing. Try to focus on the good and remember you have support and you can do all of this
@kat81 Ohhh what an afternoon! I can imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking it is for you to deal with DS tantrums and not have an exact reason why he has them! I taught in a special needs preschool classroom my first year out of college and when I was reading your description about his tantrum I instantly thought of one of my students. He too was at the time waiting a diagnosis. He was such the sweetest boy when his moods completely switched and I just felt so awful for him when he was having an outburst because you just want to help! Hugs to you mama!
@hp_momma It is really draining for us in the moment, but not particularly "heartbreaking" because we're used to it and we know it's only a piece of him--he will swing his mood the other way and we get to experience extreme joy when that happens (though as I said we're sort of densitized to that, too--we know it's odd/clinical that he gets SO generous/happy/joyful/excited--but we do enjoy it while it happens). The heartbreaking thing for us is when he's rejected socially either because he's weird or because he has burned bridges if a kid caught him while he was having a blow-up. It's just sad because some kids have only seen the neutral-to-bad sides of him and then treat him badly, which creates a vicious cycle: he will act up if excluded. The other heartbreaking thing is when DS assumes that when DH and I laugh we're laughing at him, or assumes that when an adult comes in to talk to his Kindergarten teacher, it's about him and he's in trouble, or DS says calls himself bad kid or a bad guy. These paranoid feelings, IMO, are due to a BAD experience he had at his first preschool last year (before we realized what was going on and pulled him!) and he's still recovering from that. The K teacher (we just had our conference this morning) is convinced of that, and says he is SUPER sweet in her classroom and very well-liked by the other kids! Again, she brings out the best in him! No major mood swings at school so far.
Sounds like you are a GOOD special needs teacher! I get so horrified when teachers (special or not) are in this profession and don't really look out for each kid. Even the twerpy/"bad" ones might have some other issues going on and if you root for them perhaps you can bring out their best! We see such huge differences when a teacher believes in DS vs. just does the minimum job or, even worse, clearly has it in for him. DS is night and day in these environments.
I'm feeling especially anxious today and I think it would help if I just vented, hope you ladies don't mind. So I have some heart testing scheduled for tomorrow because I've been having trouble with shortness of breath this week. While I do think it's just the baby squishing me, I understand why they want to check my heart. Ok, this might get long, I apologize. I don't think it requires a TW, but there are some details of a medical emergency, so you might not want to read it if that would upset you. Ten years ago, when my mom was 55 and healthy, her heart stopped suddenly. She was working at a nursing home at the time, told her client that she was feeling dizzy, sat down in a chair, and collapsed. Luckily, because of where she was, they were able to call for help and attempt CPR. But, my mom was technically dead for about 15 minutes before the medics that arrived were able to resuscitate her. They assumed she had a heart attack, but when they got her to the hospital and opened her up, there was no sign of that. Their best guess, to this day, is that she just had an electrical glitch and her heart stopped, simple as that. They lowered her body temp and induced her into a coma because of how long her brain was without oxygen. When they tried to bring her back, it appeared she was brain dead. They told us she would be in a persistent vegetative state for the rest of her life and to consider whether or not we wanted measures taken to keep her alive. We all grieved for her at this point. We thought she was gone, but we weren't quite ready to take that final step and end intervention. After a while, somehow, my mom started showing faint signs of brain activity. Some of the doctors called it a miracle. I don't believe in miracles...I do believe my mom was crazy strong, stubborn, and not ready to go down without a fight. Over the next several months, she started improving. She started breathing on her own, she started opening her eyes and moving her limbs, she learned how to talk again, how to bring a fork up to her mouth to eat, how to walk. My dad tried convincing her she liked football and mowing the lawn...she didn't buy it. A little less than a year later, she was able to go home. It was a long, hard recovery for her, and it was really difficult to watch her struggle and essentially go from an infant to an adult in the span of less than a year. She does have a defibrillator now and had a heart valve replacement a few years ago, but she's doing amazingly well. Apart from a few issues with balance, mental math, and a speaking filter, she's the same person she was before. That whole experience completely changed who I am as a person. It made me calmer, taught me how to let anxiety go, and gave me perspective and the ability to see good in bad situations (there are people everywhere who go through much worse and weren't nearly as lucky as my mom). But before that, it put me in a very bad place mentally for a couple years. There were a few different grieving processes I went through during that time. It was confusing and hard. I felt like the only way for me to cope was to isolate myself, so I did. I stopped seeing friends and I didn't do anything, because I didn't want my somber attitude to affect other people, and I couldn't bring myself to smile or be happy. I felt like how does everyone go on their merry way and live their merry lives when so much is wrong? I was very numb. At the time, I wouldn't have said I was depressed, but now looking back I think I was. I did come out of that slump and, like I mentioned, I feel like I've changed for the better in so many ways. But still, I've always carried this fear that the same thing might happen to me. My brothers and I have talked about having our hearts checked at some point, but now that time is tomorrow and it's freaking me out. I'm not doing a very good job of letting my anxiety go this time. If you read all of that, I'm impressed. Seriously, sorry for the novel. I'm not very talkative in real life, so sometimes just writing everything out does make me feel better. I hope that's the case this time, too. *long exhale*
@starphish18 It's very understandable you'd be anxious. I think it'll end up being a relief to get it checked and find out that everything is okay (positive thinking!). I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
@starphish18: I'm a fan of journaling & getting things out of your head and heart in order to process/deal/manage, so good for you, seriously! I can't imagine all you went through. It sounds like you have a great perspective now (and you mom's doing well!) but it wasn't an easy journey getting there.... Thinking of you for tomorrow's test. Having more info/data (even if crappy/unexpected) is better than the not knowing, right?
@starphish18 I find just typing it all out to be very therapeutic as well. Totally understandable that you are anxious for your appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping it's really more of just a precaution but it may help ease your mind somewhat having it done for the future!
Married 03.09.09 Sweet Baby H 12.21.11 Sassy Baby P 03.26.14 Little Brother Due 05.22.17
@SKZW Thank you for the words of encouragement. I'm chalking the past week up to bad and trying to ove on. I couldn't have gotten through this week without you all here at The Bump. @nda_roxybabe Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot.
@starphish18 That is an intense story-- I'm sorry you and your family had to live it. Your mom sounds like an amazing woman, and I've already come to think the same of you. Keep leaning on us-- I've learned it's very helpful. Thinking about you.
Today is a bad day. I'm not a yeller, but that's all I feel I've done today..I hope maybe a few days alone in a hotel at a work conference will be helpful and relaxing. I hate feeling upset, and for no apparent reason.
Thanks everybody for the support. I went to yoga, DH bought me some ice cream and cooked dinner, and, sometimes, that's just enough to feel better. I've decided to consult another doctor specialized in more humanized deliveries. I hope you girls will have a much better week starting tomorrow. The hormones aren't helping but we're stronger than them .
Re: Mental Health Check in 3/7/17
But then we had the evening from HELL at home. DS, who has some as of yet undiagnosed mood disorder (I've been saying he's "special needs" on this board before), had a BAD afternoon/evening. Our cleaners came today and he knew this and had been warned about it for days. Anyhow, it meant that I cleaned up his lego scenarios (he was supposed to do it himself but didn't finish.) Before we even got home he was really upset about it. When we did get home, he had an hour-long meltdown that included things like throwing things in the playroom, climbing over our fence outdoors to try to escape to the street, etc. Then he flipped the switch eventually and suddenly started spontaneously doing nice things for everyone in the family, was extremely affectionate, positive, happy, etc. (He often has these REALLY high moods with extreme generosity, affection, joy, energy...but then also has these REALLY big blow-ups when upset that can get downright dangerous, like the escape today.) Dinner was ok, though DH and I were shell-shocked and literally just taking deep breaths to calm down (him even more so--he didn't even eat right away with us and just sat there--he was engaged with parenting but literally couldn't serve himself a plate.) THEN to top it off, DD had a long tantrum of her own regarding a bath and then toothpaste...mostly the toothpaste. She was probably affected by DS's earlier blow-up, as well as how her bedtime was made a bit later than intended because of all of the earlier events.
The night ended up fine because DD went to sleep and DS was still in his vastly improved positive mood. But boy was it a doozy! Thank GOD DH was home! It's the worst when things like this happen when I'm solo parenting, though this level of DS meltdown is quite rare.
Sweet Baby H 12.21.11
Sassy Baby P 03.26.14
Little Brother Due 05.22.17
I'm sure your baby will be precious and adorable and you'll love him no matter what. Maybe he was agitated with this awful doctor you have! Can't wait to see his cute little face when you share your happy birth story!
I recently found out I have gestational diabetes. Aside from all the terribleness of that diagnosis, it also puts my ability to give birth at the birth center in jeopardy. Plus I can't stop worrying about the baby!!
All of this emotion I'm having (crying spells, general moroseness) makes me worried about PPD. I'm a mess of worry, fear, and sadness.
@jayandaplus, I'm sorry you had a GD diagnosis and it's impacting your birth plans. There are a lot of women with GD who have healthy babies, so I'm sure you don't have to worry about that as long as you're under a doctor's care.
Married: October 2014
Began TTC: April 2015
BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w)
BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w)
BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17
BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19.
Looking ahead: Maybe we could chat next about what has helped you in past similar situations.... and I'd suggest to consider finding a professional to talk with soon, too, because they are there to help, and if you could head this off at the pass, before a crisis happens, it'd be better, right?, and it might be easier to tackle sooner rather than later. Please think about it?
Take care, chat soon!
1st Baby 5/12/17, Henry
Sounds like you are a GOOD special needs teacher! I get so horrified when teachers (special or not) are in this profession and don't really look out for each kid. Even the twerpy/"bad" ones might have some other issues going on and if you root for them perhaps you can bring out their best! We see such huge differences when a teacher believes in DS vs. just does the minimum job or, even worse, clearly has it in for him. DS is night and day in these environments.
1st Baby 5/12/17, Henry
Sweet Baby H 12.21.11
Sassy Baby P 03.26.14
Little Brother Due 05.22.17
@starphish18 That is an intense story-- I'm sorry you and your family had to live it. Your mom sounds like an amazing woman, and I've already come to think the same of you. Keep leaning on us-- I've learned it's very helpful. Thinking about you.