Breaking the news to family member w/ recent loss?

operaghost · March 2017

I have a situation I've been agonizing over and am looking for some advice...

A close family member recently had a miscarriage and lost what would have been her second child. I know she had been wanting to get pregnant for quite some time and she doesn't think she'll be able to get pregnant again. I want to tell her my "news", but I'm just not sure of the best way to do it (this will also be my second child). Should I tell her in person? Write her a letter? Over the phone? What do I say? Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation, from either perspective. She's very important to me and I don't want this to have a negative impact on our relationship. Thanks in advance for your help ladies.

ladyglittersparkles · March 2017

Make sure you tell her in person. Undoubtedly she will be happy for you, but it will also hurt her a bit. I've been on the reverse end of this when my SIL told us she was KU after we had our MC before DD was born.
Tell
it to her straight. And celebrate because it's exciting that you are pregnant.
It is already very thoughtful of you to consider her feelings as well. Hopefully she will be able to twll
you soon too that she is KU as well.

mylittleversailles · March 2017

No lie: it's going to hurt her no matter how you do it. It just plain hurts, every time and without exception. Personally, not face-to-face would have worked better for me, but I was dealing with more than just a loss when it came to TTC. She will, in the end, appreciate your honesty and since you're close, there will be no lasting effect - aside from shared joy, of course - on your relationship. As long as you make sure you give her lots of room for her complicated feelings, everything will be golden.

lola4411 · March 2017

*tw* my sister has been trying to get pregnant for a little while now. she suffered a loss last fall too. we live in different states so i couldnt tell her in person. this is my second, so i decided to tell her over email so she could process the info on her own time and then call me when she is ready. i got the idea from the pgal thread. i wrote a really nice email two weeks ago. i still havent heard from her

Cythe · March 2017

My advice would be the same for any infertility or loss mama. Never face to face, and wait as long as you can (for losses). If she's in danger of finding out from someone else, tell her soon.

Make sure it comes from you, but I would do FB message, text message anything where she doesn't have to hide her emotions or put on a good show. Our reactions are not always logical - of course she will be happy for you but the first thing she will think is that should have been her.

JNAthanassious · March 2017

I had this exact same situation except with my best friend. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after her M/C. I know she was in a lot of pain and I was really hesitant. I spoke with my therapist friend about what you do and her advice was this:

Tell her face to face. Offer her compassion. (I cried out of fear telling her). I told her that if she felt that she couldn't talk to me, see me, or be around me, that I understood and would not hold it against her. I told her that I am deeply sorry for her loss and it still hurts my heart knowing how much she is hurting. In my situation, she was happy for me and gave me a hug. However, since then, she has never asked me a thing about my pregnancy and never even asks me how I am feeling. She has said multiple times in our group of friends in front of me, "i am not celebrating babies right now." I think it changed things between us but I understand. I have definitely felt that I can't share my joy or be happy about it and talk about it. But I just keep offering her compassion and support and hope that her heart heals soon.

It's a really tough situation. Whatever you decide, good luck! It will be hard all around.

adirat · March 2017

I completely agree with @Cythe. I struggled with an IF diagnosis before getting PG and I found it horrible to hear things face-to-face and have to immediately feign happiness. It was easier for me to find out earlier, deal with my feelings, then when I saw the person I was past those feelings and could be legitimately happy for the person.

migdala · March 2017

I would not have liked it done face-to-face. I was happy for everyone I found out was PG after my loss, but like @Cythe said, my first thought was always "why wasn't it me." I vote texting her so she doesn't have to do a whole lot in order to tell you she's supportive -- emails are generally longer so she might feel like she needs to gush instead of just acknowledging and saying she's happy for you. I cried every time I found out someone I knew was PG, but I genuinely WAS happy for them ... it's just hard.

lola4411 · March 2017

@Cythe @migdala so do you guys suggest i give my sister space? its so hard not hearing anythign from her but i want to respect what she is going through.

migdala · March 2017

@lola4411 You know your sister better than anyone so take my advice with a grain of salt, but it could be that she didn't know how to respond initially and now so much time has passed that she can't just write back "congratulations" and have that be the end of it. Having my loss acknowledged was always nice -- MCs just aren't talked about and they make people uncomfortable, but I was living with the sadness every day so it was nice when people were willing to acknowledge my lived experience instead of trying to pussyfoot around it or sweep it under the rug. Could you maybe text her something like "I've been thinking about you a lot and I struggled with the right way to tell you about this pregnancy so I'm sorry if I didn't get it right, but I want you to know how much I love you and I understand if it's too hurtful for you to talk about right now"? Something that lets her know you're trying to include her but you don't expect her to really participate if it's too hard at this point, and you understand?

lola4411 · March 2017

@migdala thank you for your response. i have texted twice, emailed again and left a vm. i think i might give her space now. we are very close which might make it even harder for her. sisters have a tough relationship. we are best friends and competitive at the same time, you know? i am just really sad about it and have no idea how she is feeling.

riababy4 · March 2017

I would tell or want to be told face to face. You can start off by saying that you don't expect her to jump for joy and you know what she is going through etc, but you wanted her to find out from you and in person. I find an email or text would be impersonal. Just my opinion thou! You know her best, so of course your decision!

migdala · March 2017

@lola4411 Sisters ARE hard! I have two and luckily neither has had to go through a MC. When I miscarried literally the only positive spin I could put on it was that if it happened to one of them (and odds are it might - I had no idea how prevalent MCs were until it happened to me), at least I'd be able to help see them through it after having been through it myself. But it would've been really hard if one of them got PG before I did, so I feel for your sister and for you.

lovemaddux · March 2017

I echo what most said, to do it over text. Give her time to read and digest the info.

My personal story after my loss was my sister-in-law telling me in the middle of dinner out with the rest of the family. So they all knew and just looked at me to see my reaction (knowing what I went through and my IF problems). It was the worst thing I could ever imagine. I don't think I even acknowledged it. I remember helping my nephew eat and just focused on that. Then went to the bathroom and cried until I threw up. Then just went home. I wish she would have been more considerate and told me in a text or at least in private. Sadly, I'll never forget it or honestly forgive her.

Good Luck!

Cythe · March 2017

@lola4411 if you're confident that she got the email, I would try and give her space. As others said, you know her better than any of us, is it normal for her to not even acknowledge your email?

You can always try to open the line of communication with something totally innocent (not baby or loss or infertility related) to see if she is open to talking to you or if something else is going on.

lola4411 · March 2017

@migdala @Cythe thank you both for your advice and support. i have done all that you suggested and now i think i have to give her space. ugh this is so hard

operaghost · March 2017

@lovemaddux Gosh that's terrible. I would never, ever in a millions years do that!!! So sorry you had to go through that.

MamaStreeter · March 2017

My SIL called and said she was pregnant about a month after my MC in November. And she's due a week before I would have been due. Just like others have said, it will hurt her no matter what. I wished she had told me in person, but the last time we saw each other was at a family event. I appreciate now that she didn't tell me in person because I was able to go cry and have my own space to grieve our babies being cousins born in the same month. She has given me so much space but is always willing to talk about her pregnancy if I ask, which I think is the best way to handle it. I have a PG very close friend and she doesn't have the same filter or sensitivity. I love her but everything we talk about she somehow makes it about her pregnancy. Drives me nuts lol. So that is something to consider once you tell her that you're PG. I would prefer a call over a text, but make it brief and offer what info she asks for and not much more. Expect her to withdraw for a little bit. Best of luck to you and congratulations ❤️

virginiaham · March 2017

I love that you are asking for wisdom and ideas. I agree with those who have suggested a text, email or message, and I would explain WHY you chose not to do it over the phone or face to face. That, to me, is a thousand times more personal because it is so thoughtful and considerate. When you do this in person or even over the phone you are, despite best intentions, asking for her response immediately and not giving her an out if she isn't ready to respond, or when she feels like her response honestly may hurt you. I've appreciated finding out about others' pregnancies in a way that I wasn't forced to respond to them immediately.

Yes this is exciting news to be celebrated but please please please don't demand in your heart or in word or expectation from her that she celebrate the way you think she should.

roscoe1009 · March 2017

This is a tough situation for sure. I remember how I felt every time I heard a pregnancy announcement from a friend while I was just ttc, but not with the added pain of a loss. I think phone is appropriate. More personal than a text but also lets her possibly tear up without your knowledge. The most important thing I think is to show empathy. In this situation I think it's fair to let it be more about her than you, at least for now. Tell her you understand that your news can increase the pain of her loss. Good luck.

mommac2017 · March 2017

I had a similar situation, but in reverse. I had a MMC in September but didn't officially miscarry until October 30. My brother knew I had a MC but assumed it happened in September. He and his wife announced their pregnancy 4 days after I miscarried. I was heartbroken.

Things I appreciated them doing;

1) Calling me about a week later to see how I was doing and thanking me for responding positively to their news

2) Trying to be sensitive. I say trying because neither of them are very sensitive people and I knew they struggled with this.

3) Telling me in person and not treating me completely different than other family.

Things I didn't appreciate:

1) Staying for 45 minutes after sharing their news. We were in my home, and I couldn't even leave to go have a minute to myself to cry. Be respectful. Share your news and then leave.

2) Asking how I was doing before announcing. If they had bothered to send a quick text or call to check in anytime the week of, they would have known I had just miscarried. But they made assumptions that it had been enough time, and in reality I was still miscarrying when they announced.

The biggest advice I can give, is after you tell them, don't forget about their loss. After a MC, you receive support from a lot of people. And then weeks pass and suddenly there is no more support. Everyone else's lives move forward and yours stands still. Try not to talk about your pregnancy all the time. And check in with them to see how they're doing. They'll appreciate that more than anything. Especially if you can remember important milestones (their baby's due date, the date of their loss, etc)

Hiddenlake · March 2017

I lost my son at 23 weeks over summer break. I went back to work a month later and everyone kinda left me alone about it. Im sure they were just uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. A couple months back at work and a co-worker comes to me privately to tell me she is pregnant (unplanned) and is going to announce at the faculty meeting the next day. I was so greatful for her sympathy because after she left I cried hysterically. When she announced publicly I was able to keep it together and show my genuine excitement for her.

allslee · March 2017

When we lost our baby in 2014, I would have preferred finding out pregnancy news in any situation other than face to face. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through. We had announced so early, as we didn't even think of MC as a possibility and having to deal with the constant "are you okay" and "oh it happens" was hard. It was also hard anytime anyone told me they were pregnant. Having the ability to react the way I wanted to when not face to face, was always slightly easier. I was always happy for the person, but my heart sank everytime. So many emotions go through you at the time.

buttercream_frosting · March 2017

There are some mixed answers here on whether or not to do it face-to-face. I think the best person to decide this is you. I was in this position with my first pregnancy with my BFF. I ended up spending some time with her then when it was coming close to leaving I asked for a few minutes to walk out to me car for privacy and I told her. She appreciated the face to face but also appreciated that I left so that she could experience real feels with her husband. Whatever you do, be gentle with her and be gentle with yourself. You cannot stop the hurt from happening but it would hurt her more to hear it from someone else.

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