Mine is I totally judge my best friend.. who is fully informed on things and chooses to do the opposite without any reasoning. Like we have full conversations on how breastfeeding (or breastmilk is the better option) she goes into pregnancy saying she still wouldn't breastfeed because it's "weird" -- plot twist she has the baby and tries it and is a breastfeeding pro, her milk comes in right away, they have no latch issues and zero pain. She ends up quitting after 2 months literally "just because"
and then after her daughters first birthday she sends me a text that says "don't be mad at me" along with a picture of her switching her car seat forward facing. I'm a huge car seat safety advocate and she knew I'd judge her for it. I asked her reasoning... again no actual reason she just liked the way it looks forward facing
Mine is I totally judge my best friend.. who is fully informed on things and chooses to do the opposite without any reasoning. Like we have full conversations on how breastfeeding (or breastmilk is the better option) she goes into pregnancy saying she still wouldn't breastfeed because it's "weird" -- plot twist she has the baby and tries it and is a breastfeeding pro, her milk comes in right away, they have no latch issues and zero pain. She ends up quitting after 2 months literally "just because"
and then after her daughters first birthday she sends me a text that says "don't be mad at me" along with a picture of her switching her car seat forward facing. I'm a huge car seat safety advocate and she knew I'd judge her for it. I asked her reasoning... again no actual reason she just liked the way it looks forward facing
I would end a friendship over something like this. I have a friend who bought a used car seat and forward faced it at 16 months. I just can't deal. I find that people who make careless parenting decisions make even more careless friendship decisions. I just don't have a desire to be around people like that.
I don't judge people who ff, I know more people in my circle who ff than not, but I admit I'll be devestated if I can't bf. I have a lot of anxiety about formula being pushed on me, especially by family who just gave up when it got too inconvenient or never thought to try in the first place. I think it's truly amazing that science and technology has produced a substance that's made it so babies don't have to needlessly die because there's no way to feed them. And if my daughter ends up ff I will do whatever work needed to accept that but it will take an emotional toll on me. It's something that I've been looking forward to doing (and yes, I get as a FTM I have no idea what it will be like for me, but I can still have hopes) and I already fear having very little support if it's even the slightest bit challenging. I don't agree with the fact that people are shamed for ff or exclusively pumping but it also feels like if you feel strongly about bf you're automatically a judgmental lactivist and that isn't completely fair either. I think when moms/parents are trying to make the best choice possible for their family they just need support, regardless of where they fall on the spectrum.
@meilay If you need extra support during BF always ask on here! There are lots of ladies here (including me) with lots of experience who would love to help.
MC Sept 2010 BFP Oct 2011 - DD born July 2012 TTC again since July 2014 First IUI 9/26/16: BFP! EDD 6/19/2017 It's a girl!
Born 6/26/17, 9lb 5oz
I have never ready wondered or cared what is in the bottles other moms give to their babies in public. Going through three months of excruciating pain and bleeding to be able to breastfeed had made me way more pro formula. I dint think anyone should feel like they have to go through what I put myself through (or worse) even though the payout of nursing in the long run was totally worth it for me.
I made a list of birth preferences for dd, but I never showed it to my doctor or nurses. I just talked through everything with my doctor ahead of time and she put it in my chart. This time my hospital requests that patients have birth plans, so i will bring it. I don't agree with the mentality of just doing whatever your doctor says though. I trust my doctor, or i wouldn't be going to her, but there are a lot of things that are individual preference, like what kind of pain management you want, whether you want delayed cord clamping, whether you want the baby bathed right away, whether your so should stay with you or go with the baby if you have to be seperated, who you want in the room, whether you want to be able to see or not if you end up needing a c section, etc. Plus, some doctors and hospitals do things for their convenience, not because it is necessity evidence-based, so I think it is important to be educated enough to make a reasonable judgement about the care you are getting. The first ob I went to for this pregnancy told me they allow nothing by mouth during labor even if you have no anesthesia and that they start pitocin immediately if your water brand without labor starting. Those are both very outdated practices, so it is good I knew enough to go find a different doctor.
While we are on the subject of BFing. My 2nd & 3rd child refused bottles indefinitely after turning 4wks old even though I introduced the bottle at 3 days old. My SIL thinks she has the right to tell me constantly that I "obviously didn't try hard enough to get them to take the bottle." She keeps asking if I will try harder this time. I want to throat punch her. I don't get to tell her she didn't "try hard enough to get her baby on the breast." She exclusively pumps and feds BM. Such an efffing double standard.
TTC#1 for 19 months with PCOS and MFI IUI#3 + injectables = BFP!!!! Beta#1-134(13dpiui) Beta #2-392(15dpiui) #1 born December 2011
TTC#2 - Beta #1 -51@10dpo Beta#2 -1353 @16dpo #2 born May 2013
TTC # 3 June 2014 BFP 12-1-14
#3 born August 2015 #4!!!!!!! due June 2017
Since we are on the subject of BF, I'm sure some of you will think there's something wrong with me...but my motivations to BF are ONLY the health benefits of breast milk, the cost, and it potentially helping me lose weight more quickly. I already feel a bond with LO, and having her attached to my breast does not sound appealing at all. If I hate it, I plan to try EPing before giving up to retain some of the health benefits, but I don't get the whole bonding portion of it. Maybe my mind will change....
@meilay - start checking out local resources, too! There's got to be a breastfeeding meet up group somewhere by you - LLL or otherwise. IBCLCs know their ish and can totally do a prenatal visit with you to go over concerns and questions. (Insurance usually will cover them, too!) Don't put too much pressure on yourself either. You don't know half of the relationship yet
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DS #1 born 05/25/2012 BFP#2: 06/12/2013 ---- loss DS #2 born 4/08/2014 BPF#4: 2/1/2016 --- 2/23/2016 suspected molar pregnancy--- 3/15/2016 D&E - diagnosis MM BFP#5 - 9/22/2016 * formally bornmommy
I was asked to fill out a birth plan last time, but I wasn't really that into it. There were a ton of things on there that I didn't care about.
My main things were that I wanted to go pain-med free (no real reasoning beyond wanting to see what it was like) and to get the baby out and keep us both alive. Beyond that, I really didn't care. I have the same thought going into it this time.
The birth didn't go exactly the way I had thought it would, I guess (DS' heart rate dropped while I was pushing so suddenly it was either vacuum or emergency C-section) but he came out in the next push with the vacuum and had no adverse side effects, so no complaints here.
I have to agree with @ellie111227 on birth plans or wish lists. I think that the process of making one educates you and discussing wished before hand with your doctor is always good. I think there are a wide range of birth plans that give them a bad rap and people that stick to some ideals no matter the cost are not really what birth plans should be.
Now that a lot of hospitals are baby and mom friendly I think a lot of the birth plan things are becoming more normal but not all hospitals are like that. Wish list things like not cleaning the baby, skin to skin, delayed cord clamping if baby is healthy, delayed bath, allowing labor or pushing in different positions of everything is going well or using alternative techniques to prevent tearing vs an episiotomy are perfectly fine. People that want these things aren't saying they don't trust their doctor or will refuse any intervention even when necessary to make sure everyone is safe.
I also think a birth plan might be important if your practice works like mine does (and the last 2 I had babies with) where if you go into labor at an odd hour you end up with the doctor on call or working that shift, not the one you've built a relationship with. If they have your preferences to things in your chart or you are at least prepared to talk to them about things I think it can be beneficial .
That being said I have never had a written down birth plan. But I do talk to my doctor about labor and delivery expectations. And this hospital I'm using this time has a worksheet they have you fill out with preferences and I really like that because I ended up with a different doctor for my last labor (different city) and he did an episiotomy without asking for no real reason. Baby and I were perfect and I only pushed for 27 minutes. I want to be included in those decisions. I understand if some people don't cAre and they just want the doctor to get the baby out the quickest and safest way but that mattered to me and I feel like other things could have been attempted first or he could have communicated before doing it. They also pushed me into pitocin only 2 hours after my water breaking to speed up labor for no real reason. I turned out fine and I don't necessarily regret it but I do think it was a convenience for the doctor and not medically necessary. It could have lead to other interventions. So as much as I trust a doctor, I am more educated and ready to talk about my options this time. That's my idea of a birth wish list.
@kdanjou Thanks! I honestly didn't think about what happens to a BMB after everyone has given birth. @bornmommy That's a really great suggestion. I started looking into LLL meetings very early in pregnancy but I keep forgetting it's actually getting close now and I may want to start seriously checking these resources out!
This study came out shortly before DS2 was born and shifted my perspective a bit in the BF v FF debate. (NYT Synopsis is here for those who don't want to access the full study).
Aside from a slight boost to the immune system through ingested antibodies while actively breastfeeding (no long term development effects) the benefits of breast milk over formula really diminish when you compensate for socioeconomic factors. I don't want to understate the benefits of breastfeeding. There are definitive studies that show it reduces SIDS rates and that there are long term positive health implications for the mothers who BF. But I think it's fair to say that the overall long-term health implications for the child are less statistically significant.
I'm team "fed is best." There are health benefits to breastfeeding in many cases. There are also health benefits to formula feeding in many cases (i.e. if the mother would be healthier taking medication that is contraindicated with breastfeeding). I think it's important to look at the overall benefits to your family dynamic. If breastfeeding is causing too much stress that it is impacting family life or your bond with your kids, formula is probably the "best" choice. I'm not here to guilt people for their choices. I'm only aware of the nuances of my own life.
I did a combination of BF/pumping with my kids, but never made it past 5 months without supplementing. I do enjoy breastfeeding and I'm going to try to make it farther this time, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it if it doesn't work.
Serious question: pending there is no immediate problem with mom or baby or banking cord blood why would you not delay cord clamping? I thought this was the new standard?
Serious question: pending there is no immediate problem with mom or baby or banking cord blood why would you not delay cord clamping? I thought this was the new standard?
You as in the mom or the doctor/hospital? Seems like from my research hospitals have been slow to change practices but of course not all. And there is discussion between the amount of time delayed and also milking. I think they used to clamp and cut immediately because they thought it would lessen the chance of hemorrhage.
@JessyKV I delayed with my first and plan to again. Everything I read suggests this is better. This is standard practice at my birth center and I thought it had become that way other places too. Several people mentioned it as part of birth plans so I was wondering if I was missing new information. I guess its nothing new just that some places you need to specifically request this whereas I thought it had pretty much become norm.
I've had nonstop family visits, including overnight guests, for the past few days plus my 18 month old is going through a terrible twos/independent phase that is knocking me off my feet...confession: I just want to lock myself in my room for the weekend and be left the heck alone.
On the breastfeeding front, I do believe that it's good to give it a shot, but to also not beat yourself up if it doesn't work out for you. It was legitimately work for me to nurse DD - milk came in late (and since the hospital was so pro-breastfeeding, no one warned me it could happen) and I then got mastitis. If it wasn't for an amazing LC (and far too many hours of pumping) DD would have just stayed on formula - but I really wanted to make it work. Fast forward to 4 months in and we realize she's got a milk allergy, so I cut out all dairy, soy, and beef from my diet until weaning at 9 months (when I got a sinus infection that wouldn't respond to drugs that were safe for her) - my production had already crashed, and I'm honestly not sure that what she was getting from me was calorically rich enough as she then did so much better on the ridiculously expensive hypoallergenic formula. Point of this essay: I'll definitely nurse this one (barring unforeseen issues), but have given myself permission to say "this is enough" far sooner.
@mombod awe got it. I think it's slowly becoming the norm for sure. And definitely in birth centers. Sadly I think some hospitals are lagging behind. The new hospital I'm delivering at has a low intervention/ baby friendly approach but I'm still going to ask my doctor what her standard practice is. It's not listed in my booklet as standard. It's listed as an option.
My confession: I am seriously thinking of asking DH if he would mind if DS had two middle names only for the reason of throwing my soon to be 15 yo dachshund's name as a second middle name (Oliver not like Spot). My dog and I have been through a lot the last 15 years and I adore him. I know this makes me a crazy dog lady, but I am still going to run it by DH.
Here's my confession: I spotted a photo of the wedding dress I should have gotten on fb. I can spot that dress from a mile away. Then I threw myself down a rabbit hole pining for what could have been. Mind you, if I did a side by side of the dress with the one I actually wore, a lot of people would say there's no difference. Oy.
My confession: I am seriously thinking of asking DH if he would mind if DS had two middle names only for the reason of throwing my soon to be 15 yo dachshund's name as a second middle name (Oliver not like Spot). My dog and I have been through a lot the last 15 years and I adore him. I know this makes me a crazy dog lady, but I am still going to run it by DH.
We had our dachshund for 13 years. She was my first great love and my husband was equally in love with her. We considered using her name (Penelope) as a middle name. And still might if we have a second daughter. I don't think you're crazy. But this is coming from someone that is/was admittedly a crazy person for her dog.
I know it's been said time and time again but I can't figure out how to tag you teacher mom.. anyways I'm that crazy dog person, I even give my dogs middle names (I know everyone is side eyeing lol) our dog went by snickers jade (she had green eyes when we got her) anyways when we had our daughter we gave her the middle name jade, "ummm after your dog?!" Yes I know I'm weird! Our snickers passed away unexpectedly a few months back and the fact that our daughter carries on her name means the absolute world to me!
My confession: I am seriously thinking of asking DH if he would mind if DS had two middle names only for the reason of throwing my soon to be 15 yo dachshund's name as a second middle name (Oliver not like Spot). My dog and I have been through a lot the last 15 years and I adore him. I know this makes me a crazy dog lady, but I am still going to run it by DH.
STUCK
I'm very seriously considering this too! But my dog's name is closer to Spot! We are considering Oliver for a first, so that's a totally understandable name!
Eta: His name was Lodi.
Highly monitored internet and no cell service in the office, so I'm postin' and ghostin' while I'm workin'
I know it's been said time and time again but I can't figure out how to tag you teacher mom.. anyways I'm that crazy dog person, I even give my dogs middle names (I know everyone is side eyeing lol) our dog went by snickers jade (she had green eyes when we got her) anyways when we had our daughter we gave her the middle name jade, "ummm after your dog?!" Yes I know I'm weird! Our snickers passed away unexpectedly a few months back and the fact that our daughter carries on her name means the absolute world to me!
My animals ALWAYS have middle names! So no surprise my son will have 2. Lol our dog is August Ezekiel, our cats are Anna Cleopatra and Elsa GypsyCat. Yes my daughter is obsessed with frozen.
So glad there are crazy dog ladies here with me! His name is Oliver Noodle, but we call him Noodle. So he has a first and middle name too, @Kylieslip24 He is the best!
I will bite. I do think it is a little strange to name your kid after your pet. I have a cat named William who I adore. I have had him since college (14 years) and he has been through everything with me. I was actually mad that I named him William when I had DS because I really wanted to use William for a name but just couldn't name my kid after my cat. Nothing wrong with it but a little weird to me.
Me: 34 DH: 35 Married: July 2009 BFP: November 2012 after 2 years of TTC DS born August 2013 Diagnosed with PCOS April 2016 3 months of trigger shot with timed intercourse BFN x3 First IUI: 9/17/16 BFP: 9/30/16 EDD: 6/11/17
I would love to name my baby after one of my dogs. I had the best chocolate lab named Riley who passed away six years ago. We considered it for a middle name if we were having a boy, but this baby is a girl.
@xath that was a super interesting article! And thank you for linking the article for those that didn't want to read the actual study! Thanks for sharing.
Me: 36; DH: 38 DD: 7; DS1: 4; DS2 due 6-21-17! **TW** MMC & D&C Aug 2016
I don't get the debate over how you feed your baby. It's like any other women's health issue. You don't know the details, shut up, sit down, mind your business. I seriously cannot fathom wasting a half second of brain power on what some other lady does or doesn't do to feed her baby.
There are many statements here that don't align with my own values. (This farm girl's mind is BLOWN at the idea of naming a human after an animal.) I observe that and move on. It's more of a, "Hm, I don't feel that way" than a, "Well you're wrong, and I'm judging you for that."
When your choices start affecting my life is when I start judging you. Til then, I've got my own fish to fry.
I have really enjoyed the debates and honesty here, though. You ladies make really interesting points. Thanks for letting me straddle from July into June sometimes!
@virginiaunicorn11 I feel the same way about the feeding debate. I don't think I have ever wondered what is in a bottle another parent is giving their baby in public. It just doesn't matter to me. I do kind of like to see moms breastfeeding in public though, because i have never been comfortable doing that (at least anywhere where there are people I know) and really wish I was, so other people being more courageous than me and normalizing that makes me happy in a selfish way.
I wanted to get in on the pet name discussion. My cats names are Obi and Codi and I would totally combine them to Coby (which is more of a nickname) for a middle name. My cats are my family and if I can name my kids after relatives I think they should count, too. Though I doubt I will ever actually use it, it has definitely crossed my mind.
Re: FFFC 2/24
and then after her daughters first birthday she sends me a text that says "don't be mad at me" along with a picture of her switching her car seat forward facing. I'm a huge car seat safety advocate and she knew I'd judge her for it. I asked her reasoning... again no actual reason she just liked the way it looks forward facing
BFP Oct 2011 - DD born July 2012
TTC again since July 2014
First IUI 9/26/16: BFP!
EDD 6/19/2017
It's a girl!
Born 6/26/17, 9lb 5oz
I made a list of birth preferences for dd, but I never showed it to my doctor or nurses. I just talked through everything with my doctor ahead of time and she put it in my chart. This time my hospital requests that patients have birth plans, so i will bring it. I don't agree with the mentality of just doing whatever your doctor says though. I trust my doctor, or i wouldn't be going to her, but there are a lot of things that are individual preference, like what kind of pain management you want, whether you want delayed cord clamping, whether you want the baby bathed right away, whether your so should stay with you or go with the baby if you have to be seperated, who you want in the room, whether you want to be able to see or not if you end up needing a c section, etc. Plus, some doctors and hospitals do things for their convenience, not because it is necessity evidence-based, so I think it is important to be educated enough to make a reasonable judgement about the care you are getting. The first ob I went to for this pregnancy told me they allow nothing by mouth during labor even if you have no anesthesia and that they start pitocin immediately if your water brand without labor starting. Those are both very outdated practices, so it is good I knew enough to go find a different doctor.
TTC#1 for 19 months with PCOS and MFI IUI#3 + injectables = BFP!!!! Beta#1-134(13dpiui) Beta #2-392(15dpiui)
#1 born December 2011
TTC#2 - Beta #1 -51@10dpo Beta#2 -1353 @16dpo
#2 born May 2013
TTC # 3 June 2014 BFP 12-1-14
#3 born August 2015
#4!!!!!!! due June 2017
I think if I had a birth plan with DD it would have been:
1) Get the baby out of me
2) Keep us both alive
3) Providing that #1 and #2 are taken care of, epidural please
I think I'll stick to the same this time around. :-)
DS #1 born 05/25/2012
BFP#2: 06/12/2013 ---- loss
DS #2 born 4/08/2014
BPF#4: 2/1/2016 --- 2/23/2016 suspected molar pregnancy--- 3/15/2016 D&E - diagnosis MM
BFP#5 - 9/22/2016
* formally bornmommy
My main things were that I wanted to go pain-med free (no real reasoning beyond wanting to see what it was like) and to get the baby out and keep us both alive. Beyond that, I really didn't care. I have the same thought going into it this time.
The birth didn't go exactly the way I had thought it would, I guess (DS' heart rate dropped while I was pushing so suddenly it was either vacuum or emergency C-section) but he came out in the next push with the vacuum and had no adverse side effects, so no complaints here.
Now that a lot of hospitals are baby and mom friendly I think a lot of the birth plan things are becoming more normal but not all hospitals are like that. Wish list things like not cleaning the baby, skin to skin, delayed cord clamping if baby is healthy, delayed bath, allowing labor or pushing in different positions of everything is going well or using alternative techniques to prevent tearing vs an episiotomy are perfectly fine. People that want these things aren't saying they don't trust their doctor or will refuse any intervention even when necessary to make sure everyone is safe.
I also think a birth plan might be important if your practice works like mine does (and the last 2 I had babies with) where if you go into labor at an odd hour you end up with the doctor on call or working that shift, not the one you've built a relationship with. If they have your preferences to things in your chart or you are at least prepared to talk to them about things I think it can be beneficial .
That being said I have never had a written down birth plan. But I do talk to my doctor about labor and delivery expectations. And this hospital I'm using this time has a worksheet they have you fill out with preferences and I really like that because I ended up with a different doctor for my last labor (different city) and he did an episiotomy without asking for no real reason. Baby and I were perfect and I only pushed for 27 minutes. I want to be included in those decisions. I understand if some people don't cAre and they just want the doctor to get the baby out the quickest and safest way but that mattered to me and I feel like other things could have been attempted first or he could have communicated before doing it. They also pushed me into pitocin only 2 hours after my water breaking to speed up labor for no real reason. I turned out fine and I don't necessarily regret it but I do think it was a convenience for the doctor and not medically necessary. It could have lead to other interventions. So as much as I trust a doctor, I am more educated and ready to talk about my options this time. That's my idea of a birth wish list.
@bornmommy That's a really great suggestion. I started looking into LLL meetings very early in pregnancy but I keep forgetting it's actually getting close now and I may want to start seriously checking these resources out!
Aside from a slight boost to the immune system through ingested antibodies while actively breastfeeding (no long term development effects) the benefits of breast milk over formula really diminish when you compensate for socioeconomic factors. I don't want to understate the benefits of breastfeeding. There are definitive studies that show it reduces SIDS rates and that there are long term positive health implications for the mothers who BF. But I think it's fair to say that the overall long-term health implications for the child are less statistically significant.
I'm team "fed is best." There are health benefits to breastfeeding in many cases. There are also health benefits to formula feeding in many cases (i.e. if the mother would be healthier taking medication that is contraindicated with breastfeeding). I think it's important to look at the overall benefits to your family dynamic. If breastfeeding is causing too much stress that it is impacting family life or your bond with your kids, formula is probably the "best" choice. I'm not here to guilt people for their choices. I'm only aware of the nuances of my own life.
I did a combination of BF/pumping with my kids, but never made it past 5 months without supplementing. I do enjoy breastfeeding and I'm going to try to make it farther this time, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it if it doesn't work.
Also this.
DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015
It was legitimately work for me to nurse DD - milk came in late (and since the hospital was so pro-breastfeeding, no one warned me it could happen) and I then got mastitis. If it wasn't for an amazing LC (and far too many hours of pumping) DD would have just stayed on formula - but I really wanted to make it work. Fast forward to 4 months in and we realize she's got a milk allergy, so I cut out all dairy, soy, and beef from my diet until weaning at 9 months (when I got a sinus infection that wouldn't respond to drugs that were safe for her) - my production had already crashed, and I'm honestly not sure that what she was getting from me was calorically rich enough as she then did so much better on the ridiculously expensive hypoallergenic formula.
Point of this essay: I'll definitely nurse this one (barring unforeseen issues), but have given myself permission to say "this is enough" far sooner.
BFP #1 6/13 DD 3/14
Mirena 10/14-5/16
BFP #2 9/2/16, CP confirmed 9/8/16
BFP #3 10/10/16 EDD 6/22/17
Highly monitored internet and no cell service in the office, so I'm postin' and ghostin' while I'm workin'
Me: 34 DH: 35
Married: July 2009
BFP: November 2012 after 2 years of TTC DS born August 2013
Diagnosed with PCOS April 2016
3 months of trigger shot with timed intercourse BFN x3
First IUI: 9/17/16 BFP: 9/30/16 EDD: 6/11/17
DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015
Me: 36; DH: 38
DD: 7; DS1: 4; DS2 due 6-21-17!
**TW**
MMC & D&C Aug 2016
There are many statements here that don't align with my own values. (This farm girl's mind is BLOWN at the idea of naming a human after an animal.) I observe that and move on. It's more of a, "Hm, I don't feel that way" than a, "Well you're wrong, and I'm judging you for that."
When your choices start affecting my life is when I start judging you. Til then, I've got my own fish to fry.
I have really enjoyed the debates and honesty here, though. You ladies make really interesting points. Thanks for letting me straddle from July into June sometimes!