When to find out.....

ke0009 · February 2017

Ok - the title is lame... but... is anyone else having this issue with their spouse?

So this is my first kid (8w6d) and if it were solely up to me, I would not learn boy/girl until it came out and the doc says "CONGRATS IT'S A....."

Hubs is not so patient or interested in waiting. He has two kids from his first marriage (a boy and a girl) so he is like "I don't care which gender the kid is, I just want to know!" He was THRILLED to find out that when they do the 10 week genetic tests, you can learn boy/girl (when he had kids 21 years ago you had to wait till the ultrasound at 20+weeks).

While I am certainly open to compromise - I really don't want to learn boy/girl at 10 weeks. I told him that since my doctor will know (obviously) we can hold off a bit and simply ask at anytime and she can tell us! He is not sold and wants to know ASAP.

Anyone else experiencing this - even in reverse (you want to know but he doesn't)? Any suggestions on how to find a happy medium??

**edited to remove ALL refernce to the word GENDER and SEX. Will just use boy/girl from now on**

sugarrush · February 2017

I think the happy medium is that you wait until 20 week ultrasound, considering you'd rather find out at birth and he'd rather find out ASAP. The 20 weeks is sort of mid-point for both.

sugarpixxie2 · February 2017

Maybe he can find out and not tell you? I couldn't have just one of us know , I'm just brainstorming!

ke0009 · February 2017

Ha! he actually suggested that and I was like "really? You're going to know and NOT tell me?" and he's like "well ok maybe that plan is lame..." hahaha.

kaylaakosua · February 2017

I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around finding out at 10w. I thinks it's amazing how far we have come, but just seems a bit to early for me IMHO. Like PP I think waiting until 20w is a good compromise. It would be hard for one to keep the secret, and I don't think that it's fair on either of you just in case they slip.

edited: spelling is hard.

Souptin · February 2017

not to be " That person" but I'll be " That person" its Sex, not gender. Gender isn't determined until years later whereas sex is determined in the womb.

moving on, is your husband good at keeping secrets? I mean, if he desperately wants to know he can be told and just not tell you. A couple in my last BMB group had this dilemma - he did not want to find out she did. She asked for the doc to write it down where she could read it away from him and managed to not spill the beans to her husband the entire pregnancy so both got what they wanted.

mcdoug211 · February 2017

I don't want to find out he's insistent it's driving me crazy. I told him I'll make the appointments when he's working haha

ke0009 · February 2017

I completely agree re: 20 week ultrasound compromise. Hubs does not. Sigh.
What's really funny is when he had his daughter (1996) he and his ex did not find out until birth. When they had their son (1999) they also did not want to know. They went in for an ultrasound at 7 months and told the tech first thing "we don't want to know gender" - the guy said "cool, got it" and started the ultrasound. "Ok, here's the spine, here's the heart, here's the lungs, there's the penis...." and they were like "WHAT?!" and he said "Oh, sorry.... anyways, here's the kidneys...." and that was how they found out.

maddisonwallace · February 2017

Have you considered doing a gender reveal? We found out the gender of our son at 16 weeks, so sooner than 20 weeks, but still later on! If you wanted to make it a little like a surprise for yourself, have the tech put the gender in an envelope and you can plan a gender reveal. You get the surprise and fun factor, and hubs gets to find out sooner than birth.

ColoradoHiker · February 2017

I like @maddisonwallace 's idea. You can have a little family party to reveal the sex to everyone, but it could still be before 20w. Maybe after the 12w nuchal translucency scan, just so you know things are going well with the baby?

sparksfly · February 2017

We had this same predicament with our first - DH wanted to know, I wanted to be surprised. The compromise we came up with was that we'd find out at the 20 week ultrasound, but keep it a secret just between us and our immediate families. I was happy with the result and plan to do the same thing this time. The difference this time is that I want to find out so I know if I can reuse all my daughter's baby clothes or if we have to build a collection of boy clothes

ke0009 · February 2017

It's so funny - i am NOT a fan of a gender reveal party. I have been to a few but i just don't think it's for me.

The crazy thing is - I am seriously the NOSY-EST person on the PLANET. How could i NOT want to know this kid's gender ASAP?????????? Hmmm, perhaps pregnancy has changed me?

ChefRamsay · February 2017

Jumping in on what @Souptin said.

SEX is biological
GENDER is psychological

ChefRamsay · February 2017

And one more thing,

The term 'gender bender' is used for someone whose gender does not match their sex. As in, if a biologically male person identifies as a woman or a biologically female person identifies as a man. It really doesn't work in this context.

maddisonwallace · February 2017

Omg it's a post. You're going to be okay. She was just trying to be cutesy.

Becky012016 · February 2017

Well, now she knows better for next time. The more you know, the better you become.
Btw: the cutesy title gets real people killed every year in the USA. It's not too cute when you know that.

maddisonwallace · February 2017

I wasn't aware people get killed for posting Gender Bender on the Bump. The more you know! Thanks!

ke0009 · February 2017

Wow. Gotcha. I'll delete the title and if it makes everyone feel better, the thread. Just thought i could meet some friends on here but clearly i should just look and not post.

DPandMB · February 2017

That escalated quickly.

Image: https://i.giphy.com/tbWkFP5zvuXrG.gif

wyomama0427 · February 2017

Dirty Delete- Dirty delete is when someone makes a post and later decides to delete it, usually because no one is agreeing with the post.

ke0009 · February 2017

It's all good.... **edited to remove ALL refernce to the word GENDER and SEX. Will just use boy/girl from now on** and i changed the title. Can we now get back to the lighthearted "what to do when only one partner wants to know" discussion?

Becky012016 · February 2017

maddisonwallace said:

I wasn't aware people get killed for posting Gender Bender on the Bump. The more you know! Thanks!

Hoss, I said "in the USA" not on the bump. And yes, people all over the country are killed each year because their gender does not match their sex. I didn't take offense to OP's original post. It's clear she wasn't aware of the meaning behind the title or the difference between sex and gender.

ChefRamsay · February 2017

@ke0009 No one was being rude to you, just pointing out an error you made. Which, I'm sure didn't mean to. I appreciate you editing the name of your thread.

And to answer your original question, no I don't really have this issue. We did not find out the sex of our first child. When I asked my DH his opinion on finding out for this LO he said "it doesn't matter to me, it will be the same sex no matter when we find out". Now I just need to decided if I want to find out at the A/S or birth.

wyomama0427 · February 2017

@Becky012016 I used to raise lambs and I named one Hoss one year. Lol. Idk why, but that's what I thought of when you said hoss.

Becky012016 · February 2017

@daniellelynette Lol it's from Bonanza

wyomama0427 · February 2017

Sprite2012 · February 2017

I like the suggestion of PP, let him find out and not tell you. But I can see how that would get sticky. My DH would slip within 24 hours of finding out

And OMG on the gender/sex "correction" ::eyeroll:: It's like being taken back in TB time 5 years ago. We all knew what you meant, @ke0009 , don't let it get to you.

sarahufl · February 2017

We didn't find out with DD and won't find out with this one, so I can't identify with the overwhelming desire to know.

You also couldn't pay me to go to a gender reveal party.

sugarrush · February 2017

Sprite2012 said:

And OMG on the gender/sex "correction" ::eyeroll:: It's like being taken back in TB time 5 years ago. We all knew what you meant, @ke0009 , don't let it get to you.

Thank you, @Sprite2012 I thought I was the only one. TB has changed some since I was here a few years ago... its been very entertaining.

Sprite2012 · February 2017

@SugarRush You're not the only one, I promise. I've rolled my eyes several times since joining this BMB and re-entering TB world. I might be a short timer if it continues.

sugarrush · February 2017

@Sprite2012

Image: https://media.tenor.co/images/0bd22a4dae5b035a9fc733ae480b6ee6/raw

sugarrush · February 2017

sarahufl said:

You also couldn't pay me to go to a gender reveal party.

@sarahufl I'm with you on that. If its an immediate family member and its a brief "hey come over after dinner" and a cake is involved, i'd be there to feed my inner fat kid because cake is pretty much everything right now. But a couple hour event full blown party-planned with decor and everything? No thanks.

maddisonwallace · February 2017

SugarRush said:

sarahufl said:

You also couldn't pay me to go to a gender reveal party.

@sarahufl I'm with you on that. If its an immediate family member and its a brief "hey come over after dinner" and a cake is involved, i'd be there to feed my inner fat kid because cake is pretty much everything right now. But a couple hour event full blown party-planned with decor and everything? No thanks.

Our was only family. We are always looking for reasons to eat a lot. We had barbecue and it was a good way to get family off my back about why so and so found out before so and so did. Otherwise I am a major not fan of gender reveal parties that are like huge get togethers. Save it for the baby shower!

ChefRamsay · February 2017

Sprite2012 said:

And OMG on the gender/sex "correction" ::eyeroll:: It's like being taken back in TB time 5 years ago. We all knew what you meant, @ke0009 , don't let it get to you.

So, because you don't find something offensive, it shouldn't matter? I don't find certain racial slurs offensive, does that make it ok to use them whenever I want? Since ya know, you know what I really mean? If you know the correct terminology what's so difficult about using it correctly?

JNR6510 · February 2017

ChefRamsay said:

Sprite2012 said:

And OMG on the gender/sex "correction" ::eyeroll:: It's like being taken back in TB time 5 years ago. We all knew what you meant, @ke0009 , don't let it get to you.

So, because you don't find something offensive, it shouldn't matter? I don't find certain racial slurs offensive, does that make it ok to use them whenever I want? Since ya know, you know what I really mean? If you know the correct terminology what's so difficult about using it correctly?

Racial slurs are not even on the same planet of levels of offensiveness compared to mixing up the newest PC definitions of "sex" and "gender."

LaceyC1020 · February 2017

Gosh I can't wait to have our Gender Reveal Party! We've been trying to start a family for so many years now that every event is so exciting and precious to us! DH and I have large families and we're doing one combined party. All of our family members knew the day we got our 1st blood draw after IVF that it worked because they were all so involved in praying for this to work for us! Everyone in my family can't wait for the reveal actually.

That being said, I think it's really cool that some people wait to find out! You just have to find a happy medium for you and DH!

My DH wants to be surprised at the Reveal. I on the other hand want to know now! I'm just so excited about planning a nursery and little outfits and everything!

Souptin · February 2017

*looks left * looks right* didn't realise anyone was being rude.
When I was pregnant with my first I didn't know a lot of these things (this being one of them) ..I never assumed the OP or the people who commented meant any harm (for the record I hate this expression...) but it's a lot of 'know better, do better' eye roll me if you have to. This isn't my hill to die on.
Thanks OP for editing your post. Let us know what you decide to do.

Sprite2012 · February 2017

@ChefRamsay Hmmm....how to answer your 4 questions....

1. I never said anything remotely close to that question/statement.
2. I don't recall asking your opinion on racial slurs.
3. I actually, "ya know", have no idea what you mean. Did you have trouble understanding my context in that sentence? I'm happy to clarify.
4. I don't recall using the "incorrect terminology" - but I'm also a scientist by education and I'm married to a practicing biologist. TB is neither the place, nor the forum to 1) take offense to mothers-to-be asking honest questions, and 2) correct non-scientists on terminology when it isn't a scientific conversation. But that's just my opinion....

Souptin · February 2017

JNR6510 said:

ChefRamsay said:

Sprite2012 said:

And OMG on the gender/sex "correction" ::eyeroll:: It's like being taken back in TB time 5 years ago. We all knew what you meant, @ke0009 , don't let it get to you.

So, because you don't find something offensive, it shouldn't matter? I don't find certain racial slurs offensive, does that make it ok to use them whenever I want? Since ya know, you know what I really mean? If you know the correct terminology what's so difficult about using it correctly?

Racial slurs are not even on the same planet of levels of offensiveness compared to mixing up the newest PC definitions of "sex" and "gender."

My transgendered friends who face slurs being hurled at them would respectfully disagree with you. It's offensive. Full stop. I'm not sure why this topic got you so hot but I assure you this goes beyond the latest PC trend. I'm sorry the topic and it's importance is so difficult for you to grasp. I am happy to PM you some articles on the subject if you want some more clarification.

Sprite2012 · February 2017

Souptin said:

JNR6510 said:

ChefRamsay said:

Sprite2012 said:

And OMG on the gender/sex "correction" ::eyeroll:: It's like being taken back in TB time 5 years ago. We all knew what you meant, @ke0009 , don't let it get to you.

So, because you don't find something offensive, it shouldn't matter? I don't find certain racial slurs offensive, does that make it ok to use them whenever I want? Since ya know, you know what I really mean? If you know the correct terminology what's so difficult about using it correctly?

Racial slurs are not even on the same planet of levels of offensiveness compared to mixing up the newest PC definitions of "sex" and "gender."

My transgendered friends who face slurs being hurled at them would respectfully disagree with you. It's offensive. Full stop. I'm not sure why this topic got you so hot but I assure you this goes beyond the latest PC trend. I'm sorry the topic and it's importance is so difficult for you to grasp. I am happy to PM you some articles on the subject if you want some more clarification.

The topic is actually of importance to me, with a family member currently transitioning, but I still don't agree that this is the place or forum to take it upon yourself to be the PC police. OP started a discussion that is significant to TB and this BMB. No violation of TOU, no alternative motive. The PC police (you) stepped in with a scientific correction, making her feel like she made a mistake posting. "Full stop".

FWIW, I have never witnessed a transgender person get offended by honest, well-meaning people who aren't so aware of the "latest PC trend" (which is pretty offensive in itself, speaking of being PC, especially if your intent is to represent the transgender community). I have only seen PC police on TB do it.

Sprite2012 · February 2017

@ChefRamsay and @Souptin This offensive/controversial "issue" was raised, argued, brought to war, battled, beaten, destroyed, reintroduced, beaten again, taken down, blown to dust, and eventually completely deleted from TB about 5 years ago. It has probably been revived by TB PC police, like yourselves, on a few occasions. The cutesy info-graphic is new ammunition, but it's the same "correction", the same intent to make someone feel like an idiot, and the same scientific discussion among non-scientist mothers-to-be who don't necessarily want to be "corrected"/called out/flamed for misusing terms that you probably have very superficial, informal knowledge of (that's an assumption on my part, based on your dialogue - I could very well be wrong).

So, I will ::eyeroll:: away when this dead horse continues to be beaten years after the Queen of the Sex/Gender PC Police left the building.

ETA: spelling

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