Induction and feeling guilty — The Bump
March 2017 Moms

Induction and feeling guilty

I developed preeclampsia with DS1 pretty severely. I was ignored by my doctor for a long time during that time - except my blood pressure spiked to 220/130s and I lost my vision for a while so they induced me. 

This is time we knew I'd be high risk again for preeclampsia. I've had markers come up positive the entire pregnancy for it. I've been going for non stress tests/fluid level checks twice weekly since 32 weeks. My last appointment was on 34 weeks exactly where they found increased protein in my urine, elevated blood pressure (170/108), I'd gained 10lbs in a week from edema, had a headache etc. I immediately get sent to labor and delivery for monitoring - they get my blood pressure down, majority of my labs are normal, and we start a 24 hour urine. The next day my blood pressure is staying down without medications, 24 hours of bed rest and I have ankles again! My 24 hour urine was bad though - like so high the lab couldn't read it and the threshold is 300 (they know it's over 1700). The doctor said they need to start inducing tomorrow. 

Im. Not. Ready. He's not ready. He's only 4.5lbs. He'll be an automatic nicu admission and they expect him to be in 2-6 weeks. I'll be going home without my baby. Last time with my first son he came home with us because he was further along and a chunky baby. This baby isn't measuring the same though. I feel fine today - no symptoms. Blood pressure is slightly elevated - 140-160/90s. I just feel like if I could hold onto him for a few more days or even two more weeks he'd be in a much better place. I feel like my body has failed him and I can't stop crying. I've been miserable the last few weeks. The swelling is so bad that my feet have been mottled come end of shift from lack of blood flow, I can't bend my fingers anymore some days, headaches frequently, etc. But I haven't complained about it because I have been so grateful to get this far in the pregnancy. But now tomorrow morning (in five hours) they're going to start forcing my little guy out of his happy safe home. He's been in great shape so far - kicking, smiling on the ultrasound, moving around like a champ. I can't believe it's coming to an end. I won't be able to have him with me anymore, I won't be able to even take him home with me. I won't know if he's safe 100% of the time anymore, I won't feel him in me. I feel so so horrible that I can't carry him anymore. I've been crying nonstop since the news (which hasn't helped my blood pressures). I know it could be so much worse - I still think about our 24 weekers that we're born. 

Enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy everyone. It will go fast. I'd do anything and tolerate all discomfort if it meant I got to leave the hospital with my son. 



Me: 32 DH: 34
Baby #1 - January 2010
Baby #2 - March 2017

 
motherofdragons-2jomarmahisqueen78

Re: Induction and feeling guilty

  • I'm sorry you're going through this.  I know saying "don't feel guilty!" won't just magically turn off those emotions, but it's nothing you could control as I'm sure you know.  Hoping you'll both be okay - and this will be a distant memory not too long from now.
    motherofdragons-2
  • My baby boy was born at 34 weeks due to preeclampsia and I can definitely understand the feelings you are feeling. I won't lie and say it's easy, because it's not and it won't be. But just remember that he is safer out at this point and that you are doing the right thing by making sure he gets the best care. You are a great momma already and this time in his life will be so short compared to the years to come. Mine only stayed 10 days and came home at 4lbs 3oz. It was really hard going home without him initially and the back and forth to the NICU/being away from him felt impossible at times, but I just tried to focus on the positives -he had great nurses caring for him, he was strong, when he came off the breathing support, etc. Take it one day at a time and know that it's okay to cry. I will be praying for you and am here if you have questions or need to talk. You are doing a great job! 
    MrsBinPAmotherofdragons-2C25
  • Im so sorry that you are at the point they need to induce and you aren't feeling prepared. Prayers for you and your little one! That he would arrive easily and be bigger and healthier than anyone would expect for how far along you are! I hope as soon as you're holding him in your arms all these emotions are swept away with joy and peace knowing it was what's best for you both. Hugs!!
    motherofdragons-2
  • Wishing you so much luck and a big healthy baby. Hopefully he will not need to stay as long as they think. I'll be thinking of you and your beautiful son.
    motherofdragons-2
  • Thinking of you and your little one. Big hugs and remember they're doing what is best for both of you! As moms we obviously want what's best for our babies, but that also includes being healthy enough post-delivery to take care of our little ones.
    Alex
    married to M since 6.13.09
    T - 3.3.14
    A - 2.24.17
    motherofdragons-2
  • Thinking of you! Please don't feel guilty. You are fixated on your baby, but your doctor has TWO patients: and he/she is going to do everything they can to keep both of you safe and healthy. I'm glad that your doctors are taking this seriously.  <3 Hang in there!
    BabyFruit Ticker
    kjd291motherofdragons-2
  • Stay strong sweet girl. ❤ your body has done everything it possibly can to grow your perfect little human and now you are being so strong and letting the doctors help keep him healthy. I can't imagine how you're feeling, but please know our thoughts and prayers are with you guys for a healthy delivery and speedy NICU stay. So many creepy internet hugs. 


    motherofdragons-2
  • So sorry.  Hugs and prayers.
    motherofdragons-2
  • So sorry you're faced with this emotional struggle.  You are a good mother who loves their baby very much!  You did a good job thus far and are a good mother by following the doctor's decision. As others have said your health and the baby's health is what is most important. Ultimately your baby will know that they are loved, which is the best thing ever.
    motherofdragons-2
  • I'm so so sorry you're going through this! I hope things progress well after they start the induction and that your baby will be strong & healthy and be able to come home sooner than you think....sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers for you both!❤️
    Pregnancy Ticker
    motherofdragons-2
  • kap1988kap1988
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited January 2017
    I'm so sorry you are going through this.  You're love for your baby boy is so strong and inspiring.  Between you and the doctors he is in great hands.  Creepy internet hugs to you!

    Me 28 DH 28 Married 2012

    TTC #1 since March 2015

    Metformin + Femara + Gonal F + Trigger = BFP 6/24/16 

    EDD 3/3/17

    Found out it's a girl! 9/23/16

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I'm sorry that you are going through this and that it's been such an emotional roller coaster. Just remember that it's not your fault and that your doctors are only trying to do what is best for you and baby. It will be rough not being able to take him home with you right away. But just think of how special it will be when he does get to come home! I'm sure that they will take great care of him at the hospital. When my daughter had to spend a few days in the Special Care Nursery after birth, they would let me call in the middle of the night when I woke up to pump, if I needed reassurance that she was doing okay. Sending positive thoughts your way!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Ugh I think I'd feel the same way if I were in your boat. Like the other ladies have said, your health and baby's health are most important. 2-6 weeks in nicu is a drop in the hat in the grand scheme of your life. Your little man and your other little one need you healthy, and it's not worth taking any risks, so maybe try to focus on the big picture if you can. T&P mama.
    motherofdragons-2
  • I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Even though this is not how you have imagine your little person coming into this world but this will allow both of you to be healthy. I'll be praying for you tomorrow.

    motherofdragons-2
  • Thinking of you and baby boy. Stay strong momma
  • Thinking of you today, I hope everything goes smoothly and you are holding your baby boy in your arms! Stay strong, you can do this! I'm sorry it's not happening the way you envisioned but it's the best thing for your little guy AND you. I hope the hospital stay is short and sooner than later he's home with you. 
    longliveregina
  • I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I think "don't feel ___" is always silly advice -- you're going to feel how you feel -- BUT, you have not done anything wrong, and your body has not failed your baby. It has carried him to this point (34+ weeks!) and now you and your doctor are continuing to do what's best for him (and you) by delivering. I hope you and baby are well and home together as soon as possible. Good luck!
    DD (8), DS (5), DD (3)
    baby #4 due March '17!
    longliveregina
  • Thinking of you @marshmallowfarts. I hope everything is going OK.
  • I'm sorry you had such a rough go of things, mama! But congratulations on your little Luke!! Prayers that he grows and is ready to join you at home real soon!
  • So sorry that things turned out this way! Congrats on your baby boy! Wishing you only the best with a short NICU stay.
    Anniversary

    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers

    MMC 8/11/15

    imageimageimage
  • congratulations on the arrival of Luke! I'm sorry to hear you had such a difficult start with him but wishing you both lots of good health so that you can go home the very soonest you can, and that Luke continues to improve! 
  • I'm sorry Luke's arrival wasn't as you had planned but congrats on your sweet boy.  May his stay in the NICU be much shorter than 6weeks. 
    ****TW****

    Me: 39 DH: 40
    Married: 12/6/2014

    BFP#1: 1/20/15      MC: 2/14/15
    BFP#2: 10/28/15    MC: 11/24/15
    BFP#3:  3/20/16     MC: 4/26/16
    BFP#4:  7/15/16     DD: 3/18/17
    BFP#5:  5/1/18     EDD: 1/12/19
    Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker


  • Congratulations on your baby Luke! So sorry his birth was such a stressful time but I hope both of your health improves quickly and your little man is home with you soon. Lots of love!  <3
  • So sorry, everything was so difficult for you and baby Luke. Glad to hear baby Luke is herr and hoping, he can grow healthier every day and you too!
  • Congrats!! Wishing him a short NICU stay, and a healthy recovery for you. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • T&P for a short NICU stay. I'm glad you posted this because it really helps keep things in perspective for those of us who are griping about the challenges of being so pregnant. Even though it sounds like your little man is doing fantastic, the situation is not ideal for you are we should all be very grateful for the back aches and bloating, etc. especially having this added perspective.

    I'm sure you guys will all be home together in no time. 
  • Welcome Luke! Hoping he gets to come home very soon  <3 Take care of yourself too momma!
  • Welcome baby luke- hope he can come home and you can all be together as a family really soon :) 
  • Welcome baby Luke!  I Love the name!  And you are such a strong mama.  What a delivery!  
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