Will I ever be able to enjoy this pregnancy?

heatherlynn321 · January 2017

I had 2 miscarriages in 2016, and am now 5w1d. For the first week I actually felt really positive and okay about this pregnancy. I'm on Lovenox and progesterone now, and I started out feeling more pregnant this time than with the last two. But on Saturday I started to have really bad lower back pain that reminded me too much of my last miscarriage, and Sunday morning in addition to the back pain I'm now getting these low cramps. I know all of this can happen when you're pregnant anyways, but my PGAL brain won't let me relax, it keeps saying it feels too similar to how I feel before I get my period, and I'm just filled with utter anxiety. On top of that, the 5th week is when I miscarried the last two times, so that's just adding to everything. I've been seeing a therapist about my past miscarriages, but I haven't been able to see her since I got pregnant and won't be able to until early February. Did anyone of you feel this way, and is there a point in the pregnancy you get to where you feel like it's going to be okay?

CPR79 · January 2017

i can definitely tell you that I had (and sorry to say, still have occasionally) many of the same feelings. I'm 13 weeks now, but I was a nervous wreck for a lot of the early weeks.

Do you have any appts lined up? My office was very nice and took me in for my intake at 6 weeks instead of their usual 8 and then gave us a dating ultrasound at 7 weeks which helped a lot since during my last pregnancy at 7 weeks I had miscarried already but didn't know it until later.

I can only speak for myself but that worry hasn't gone away completely, although it gets a little better week by week. Sometimes setbacks happen too. I was feeling great after our 11 week ultrasound and genetic testing results, and then during our 12 week checkup they couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler. Everything is fine, they sent us to ultrasound to check it out and I just have an oddly positioned uterus that makes it hard for the Doppler. But in those 20 min or so I felt like I was right back at the beginning. Now we've started telling people about the pregnancy and I've become superstitious that we jinxed it by doing so. PGAL totally messes with your mind!

Sorry if this wasn't a reassuring answer, but you are not alone in your worries and I hope that it starts to get better with time!

heatherlynn321 · January 2017

I have my first ultrasound today, and I've been getting blood work done since I found out, I just can't shake this anxiety. Thanks for your comments though, it's nice to hear I'm not crazy.

byrneme · January 2017

You are most definitely not crazy. I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow and, slowly, the excitement is starting to overtake the fear. Now that doesn't mean I don't have my moments or thoughts don't creep in - I think that is just going to be a part of this, sadly. Hang in there and totally use this board for stuff like this. We've all been there. xo

HGRich · January 2017

@heatherwilson321 I'm so glad you have an early ultrasound! Those help so much. I echo a lot of what @cpr79 said. I was terrified the entire first trimester. I did purchase my own home Doppler and let myself use it about twice a week. I was first able to hear baby's heartbeat at 10 weeks, four days I think. That helped me a lot. Of course my previous loss was at eleven weeks so those first weeks were pretty hard. But my doctor also let me come in for a 9 week ultrasound after the 6.5 week one, because some of my symptoms had gone away. But I've learned since that sometimes symptoms just come and go. They came back again with a vengeance later. But it doesn't help to know that, in the moment, as you're freaking out.

I also had inexplicable spotting from around 6-8 weeks or so which I was convinced was the beginnings of another loss. It wasn't. I still don't know where it came from. But I haven't had any since.

So yeah--it does get better. But you may spend the first trimester afraid, and that's ok. But trust your doctor and talk to them whenever you have questions. Mine has been pretty understanding. But I still spent the whole first trimester constantly afraid, checking for blood every time I peed, etc. It's hard. Like CPR79, I was also afraid of jinxing myself when I told people.

Will you enjoy it? I don't know. I started to get excited when we found out the gender, and more so after I started to feel her at 17-18 weeks. Then again after the anatomy scan. I'm still afraid, but her constant kicks and headbutts give me a lot of reassurance and joy. I'll be thinking of you. Let us know how the u/s goes.

heatherlynn321 · January 2017

Thanks guys, your words help a lot. I probably won't do the at home doppler, because when I was pregnant with my first son, even though it was a totally perfect pregnancy, the OBGYN was never able to find a heartbeat on it, I got so many ultrasounds with him because he was positioned weird and they couldn't pick up his heartbeat except on the ultrasound. So I feel like the doppler would end up freaking me out more than calming me. This lower back pain is the main source of my worry right now. It hasn't really gone away since Saturday, and when the nurse drew my blood this morning she made a concerning face when I told her about it. She said she'd tell the doctor and call me back this afternoon.

HGRich · January 2017

If you know a Doppler doesn't work on you then not getting one is wise. I totally get that one. Let us know what you hear! If you don't have any spotting to accompany your back pain, you're probably fine. I had lower back pain too. I'm sorry it's reminding you of your other losses though. That's gotta be the toughest part.

amu1234 · January 2017

I am in the same boat as you @heatherwilson321 ! I'm at 6 weeks 3 days and my PGAL brain is constantly realing with concern. I am a full scale tp inspector every time I use the restroom, I'm constantly squeezing my chest to make sure the girls are still sore, in short I'm a complete basket case! What I can say is that with my DD, who happened to be my miracle rainbow baby after my first miscarriage, things got better with time. With each milestone cam a little less stress and a little more joy. I can't say that any point I was 100% stress free, but I was definitely able experience a good amount of cautious joy. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and much sticky baby dust.

MWoodside · January 2017

I hear you. Pregnancy is a time of great anxiety for me ever since my first loss in 2012. I have early u/s weekly from 6-9 wks. That helps a bit, although I become overwhelmed with anxiety on the way to the appt and until the hb shows and things look on track. Then it's a week of relief until the next one. I get a Doppler and begin to use it at the end of week 9 so that helps a lot. Once I can feel movement I feel relief. But I know things can change any second so I always carry the anxiety with me until baby is safely in my arms. Hang in there. Pregnancy after loss is very trying.

heatherlynn321 · January 2017

No ultrasound today.

The doctor was confused as to why it was scheduled so so early in the first place, it's what the girl on the phone said to do. So they'll do it next Monday. He wasn't really concerned about the back pain, he said my numbers didn't suggest ectopic. Good news my numbers doubled from last time.

4w2d - 284
4w4d - 671
5w1d - 3541

Hopefulmommy1980 · January 2017

Your numbers look good

HGRich · January 2017

@heatherwilson321 yeah those numbers are great! I figured maybe your doc wanted to check for ectopic with an u/s, but all they would see today would be a sac and maybe a fetal pole. But since your numbers don't suggest ectopic it's best to wait another week. Then you'll actually get to see the little heart beating!

Or at least I think so. I know I saw mine at 6.5 weeks.

mamaof2hopefully · January 2017

I'm 12w2d and I swear I worry now more than I did in the beginning. I want so badly to be excited and relax but I haven't been able to yet. I think once the genetic testing comes back and I get to second tri, and we announce it will feel more real and more celebrated. Right now it's a big secret that I'm holding close

momtobe613 · February 2017

Just stopping in to let you know your not alone. I had a miscarriage in Novemeber at it was the hardest time of my entire life. We found out a few weeks ago that we are pregnant again (hopefully with our rainbow) BUT i am so petrified of every twinge and cramp that I dont think Ill ever enjoy this pregnancy either. We had an early scan at 5 and 2 and saw a gestational sac and yolk sac but i have been having pink spotting once or twice a week since we found out 2 weeks ago and Ive convinced myself its the beginning of the end. I hope everything goes well for you. Im keeping you in my prayers. This PGAL brain...i wouldnt wish it on anyone.

HGRich · February 2017

@momtobe613 hang in there yourself! If it helps, I had pink spotting with this one from around 6-8 weeks. It went away and didnt come back.

JustAnotherUsername16 · February 2017

@momtobe613 Count me as well for having early spotting but now far along the pregnancy road and all is well - hoping the same for you! But to be fair, I know that hearing that from anyone else at that point wouldn't have helped much.... PGAL brain is brutal and includes SOOO much anxiety - I think it's a defense mechanism to prepare us for a loss just in case. I will be praying for you and your sticky little bean.

momtobe613 · February 2017

@HGRich Thanks so much for the reassurance. I appreciate it. Did you ever have brown? i had a small amount of brown today when i wiped and thats how my last mc started.... freaking out.... no cramps though I remember the back cramps being very strong last time so im praying... thanks again for the encouragement.

momtobe613 · February 2017

@JustAnotherUsername16 Thanks so much for your encouragement. I appreciate your kind words. I know that youre right... this is totally a defense mechanism. Praying for a sticky bean.

lilp2015 · February 2017

I use to be more active on this board when I was pregnant with my daughter (now 7 months) just wanted to share a bit of my experience. After 2 losses and mthfr. I was a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy!! It's so hard to relax and enjoy it. Even now I look back and say I wish I could of but I know it wasn't possible. But anyway, I also took progesterone and Lovenox shots. I also had lower back pain. It seemed to flare up when I would reach a new week and last the first day or 2 of it each time. My ob had said if it continued we would look more into it but it stopped after probably 10weeks or so. Sorry for the rambling but if you ever need someone to vent to or ask anything about the meds (I took a ton) you can always ask me! Congrats to all!

HGRich · February 2017

@momtobe613 yes I think some was brown. It was awhile ago now so I've forgotten. Take a deep breath! I called my doctor after the second or third spotting and they actually reassured me some spotting was fairly normal since it wasn't heavy or red. If it would ease your mind, give a doctor or nurse a call.

LUVS17 · March 2017

I'm right there with you! I can't relax. And my hubby things I'm a little crazy. I'm trying hard to just let it be whatever it is...and hopefully there will be some positive end result. good luck to you!! I had another beta test done this week just for peace of mind. Now one more week to go until early ultrasound which will be at 6w6d.

evaemilia · March 2017

I can soo relate, had a miscarriage in December -16, I was in week 7 and hadn't even made it yet to my first doctors appointment, and now a week ago i found out I'm pregnant again, and I haven't felt the same excitement as last time, I'm more like waiting for this to end in a miscarriage too. I should be now 6w3d, and have my first ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday, I just hope I make it til then and that I will get to see a heartbeat and that that will make it easier. My fiance thinks I'm kind of silly and is just telling me to think positive, which I really am trying, but it's so hard, every single time I feel cramping and my stomach aches I'm sure something is wrong, which is almost daily, and those days I'm not cramping I stress that there's something wrong because of that... So stressful.

HGRich · March 2017

@luvs17 and @evaemilia hang in there, both of you! If you want to introduce yourselves in separate threads you're welcome to. And keep us posted on your ultrasounds. Pulling for you that these are your little rainbow babies. But you're not alone. Especially those first few weeks you just won't be able to relax. But you're not crazy either.

LUVS17 · March 2017

Thank you! ❤

evaemilia · March 2017

Thank you ❤ I had my us today, doctor said I'm much earlier that they first had calculated, about week 5 now, got a new us scheduled in two weeks. Anyway the doctor said it still looked like a living fetus wich made me happy.
But now I already feel stressed again, will I make it to the next us, and what if that peasized fets haven't grown by then. So here I am overanalyzing every little sensation in my body again

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