* TTCAL Check-In Week of 01/09/17 *

laeberge3 · January 2017

@flowerintherain. Sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here. You're right, justsuzie, we haven't really discussed the effect of the MC on our marriages. I found that H just could not understand what I was going through. As soon at it was confirmed there was no heartbeat and I was starting to bleed, I was talking about how I'd take some days off work and he found it weird that I'd even have to do that. I don't think it was ever completely real for him so he didn't understand my deep grief for awhile. Thankfully he understood pretty quickly as I writhed in pain the following day and sobbed the days following on and off. This TTCAL process has been at times very grueling and it can definitely affect relationships. Hugs to you.

Uhlease13 · January 2017

@Luckyu317 and @jen83mn I'm so sorry for your losses, and I hope you find this board supportive.

@E2theB (love your screen name btw) I think a tattoo is a great idea. I got one after my second loss and I love it.

I haven't searched too too much, but a thread on how loss affects relationships might be helpful for some. Or a gtky on how you and DH/SO worked through your loss(es)? I dunno if anybody would be interested.

justsuzie · January 2017

@laeberge3 I agree that it is so difficult for partners to understand. It's more than a loss, it was also a betrayal of my body. And I felt so uncomfortable and anxious knowing there was something inside of me dying. It's still very uncomfortable for me to think about that part of it. The worst of all of this was because I had an ectopic I had to have everything reabsorb into my body so there was never a closure of seeing something expelled. I just have to accept that there is nothing there anymore. So difficult.

jen83mn · January 2017

Thank you all for your sweet words and for your ideas on how to honor the baby I lost. I love all of your ideas! I think I'll give it some time and then find a way when I've had a bit more time to grieve and remembering what happened isn't so painful.

I would also love a forum on how this has affected our relationship with our husband and how they handled it. That was definitely a struggle for me as my husband had NO clue why I was so torn up about it. *TW: LC Mentioned* When I was pregnant with my son, I don't think it really sunk in to him until the first ultrasound. But it didn't really sink in until he was actually born and then he actually felt like a dad. And even then he didn't get totally connected until a few months later when the baby started having more of a personality and responding to us. We become moms the second we see that second line on a pregnancy stick ... it seems most guys don't become dads until they have that baby in their arms. *End TW*

I had to have a talk with him about why I was so upset, that this was happening in MY body, and how scary and upsetting that was ... and that not only that, but I had to wait all weekend long to get my numbers back to find out if we were having a baby or not (thankfully my body decided to tell me what was happening over the weekend so I wasn't so crushed by the numbers on Monday). And because I haven't been in a lot of physical pain because it was so early, he hasn't seen how it's affecting me because physically I seem fine on the outside (and he doesn't have to see what I see every time I go to the bathroom). After our talk he has been much more understanding and while I can tell he still doesn't get it (and never will), at least he's being as supportive as he can be and isn't diminishing how I'm feeling. To a pp who mentioned taking some time off work (sorry, I'm on mobile and it's tough to backtrack), my DH kind of looked at me weird too when I said I was going to work from home ... like why would I need to do that? Considering the bleeding started on Saturday, there was no way I was going in to work on Monday wearing basically a diaper and in the emotional state I was in. But they just don't get it. And honestly, if they had to deal with all this themselves in their bodies, we all know how that would go!! They may act tough, but we women do AMAZING things and go through incredibly tough situations but in the end still manage to come out on the other side and find joy.

NYTino24 · January 2017

@jen83mn I could have written what you wrote pretty much word for word, except for moving the start of the MC to a Wed and having it fully occur on a Sunday. He finally got it when he saw the baby come out. I wasn't sleeping much during it (I even went through serious contractions) and now DH isn't sleeping. He even asked me to stay home with him on Tuesday.

Hopefulmommy1980 · January 2017

@jen83mn I agree with what you said. My dh was effected but it wasn't the same. I think it was harder for him to see me upset and depressed. After my d&c I stayed in bed for almost a week and cried everyday for a long time. He didn't remember the edd for our first loss. When we were talking about it Bc I was crying he even said I know this affected you more. Which in a way was nice that he acknowledged it.

Mack2342 · January 2017

@Luckyu317 and @jen83mn. Sorry for your losses. My DH was very supportive to me but didn't show any emotion as if it hadn't affected him at all and that bothered me. He said he handled loss differently and I know people do so I let it go but it was very lonely. I would cry in bed each night and it was horrible as he would go off to sleep. One night I came across this beautiful poem that a woman wrote about her loss ( it was on the miscarriage board). Anyway I asked him to read it and while he was reading it I said this is exactly how I feel and my husband lost it. He hugged me and sobbed. After that moment, he seemed much more connected about our loss and being very understanding. Since that moment he has been more sensitive about a lot of things. I'm not sure what it was about that poem but something connected with him and it has made things a lot better as we can talk about more

NYTino24 · January 2017

I shared this pic on FB and it expressed my feelings completely.

DH showed me his emotions by buying Up for us to watch. We both fell asleep so I didn't see the end yet and honestly it was sad (spoiler: they never ended up having a baby), but I think it helped him acknowledge his grief. And now I know the next time I get my BFP, it will be delivered to him with a blue balloon and a grape soda.... and Ellie has made its way to my name list. If you guys haven't checked out the five love languages, I highly recommend it.

vlagrl29 · January 2017

@NYTino24 - weren't you on the August board with me for a short time. I was only there a week I think. I'm sorry to see you here as well

Regarding DHs - granted it was a CP for me DH was so supportive and cried a couple times with me as well but was strong for me too as i would blame myself for different things that may have caused it. Every time I felt a weak moment of placing blame on myself I would go to him and he would talk me out of it.

**TW - child mentioned** DD was on xmas break during that time and he watched her as I didn't have the mental capability to do it. We had recorded DDs reaction to being a big sister. I watched it about a week ago and it made me cry. She ran and got a tissue and wiped my tears. It was so sweet. She is much stronger than I give her credit for.

SP128 · January 2017

@NYTino24. So sorry you find yourself here. I remember you from the ttc board. I love that dh bought up for you guys to watch. I think I watched a small piece of the movie. May have to watch it now

TScalei · January 2017

@NYtino24 - Im so sorry for your loss! That picture perfectly sums up the pain you feel going through it. Its just disappointment, loss, sadness and fear all rolled into one.

babypi · January 2017

I think my DH is actually taking our loss really hard. He's been under a lot of stress, he's in his final quarter of grad school and this baby was a wonderful bright spot in our lives. We also were really excited by the timing, it would have meant he'd get to be there for the birth. The idea that he'll deploy later this year and miss the birth if we do get pregnant soon really rubs salt in the wound for him. Add all that to the reality of his father dying and you have a very stressed, anxious, and depressed DH.

Uhlease13 · January 2017

I totally forgot about that in Up, and now I'm tearing up. that picture does sum it up perfectly.

NYTino24 · January 2017

@vlagrl29 Yes, I was on Aug17 for a month or so. Still checking back in occasionally until I get on my laptop to remove my ticker and that board as a favorite. Still rooting for them.
@SP128 It's a pretty sad movie, so if you aren't ready for those emotions, maybe skip it.
@Uhlease13 So sorry to stir emotions up. Hugs!!!
@babypi Fingers crossed that the stars align for good timing.

hdaley · January 2017

1. Introduce yourself (if you're new): Hi ladies, I'm new here. Name is Heather. I'm 33, DH also 33. We have a son born June 2012. We lost our 2nd baby January 2nd. GA 6 weeks, but I was 10 weeks. We found out on Dec 15th that baby was not growing, week later, baby still had hardly grown but did have a heartbeat. Cramping started New Years Eve. Bleeding started early January 2nd. We went to the ER after heavy bleeding and a fainting spell. It was confirmed in the ER that I had passed the baby and also the next day in the OB office. No D & C was needed.

2. Status (WTO, TWW, Benched, etc.): We are Benched right now. HCG on Dec 15th was 37,000. In the ER Jan 2nd it was 10,000. Just got it rechecked on Jan 12th and it was 85. I go for more bloodwork in 2 weeks. Most likely I predict it will be below 5. We are going to wait until I get my period and then start trying as soon as I am over the 1st period hump.

3. Rants/Raves: The amount of stupid things people say to someone who had a miscarriage, like "at least now you can have coffee." like that will make me feel better over losing my baby.

4. GTKY: Do you collect anything? Nope. Just collects dust and clutter. I do like Willow Tree though.

splashmountain · January 2017

I'm sorry for your loss @hdaley and that you have to deal with insensitive comments. I've gotten the "well at least you can have wine now" comment from a few people. I think they just don't know what to say and are trying to find the "silver lining" for us.

Good luck with your labs and even though none of us want to be here, welcome.

Uhlease13 · January 2017

Sorry for your loss @hdaley

Hopefulmommy1980 · January 2017

@hdaley I am sorry for your loss

SP128 · January 2017

@hdaley so sorry that you find yourself here. These women are amazingly supportive.

Mack2342 · January 2017

@hdaley. So sorry for your loss

TScalei · January 2017

@hdaley - I'm sorry for your loss.

fsuswim · January 2017

Hugs for you all!

1. I'm not new but coming back after some time away. MMC 8/29/2015 - 6wks. 6 months of trying then MMC 6/4/2016 - 6wks.

2. Benched waiting for February follow up appointment after progesterone testing.

3. Hubby and I have felt so safe in the benched months. Feeling a little afraid to get back out there next month.

4. I guess I collect activewear? I am obsessed with Fabletics currently.

Uhlease13 · January 2017

@fsuswim I'm sorry for your losses. I know the feeling of feeling carefree in the benched months and then getting nervous to ttc again. Hopefully your testing and baby aspirin etc lead to a sticky bfp quickly

Hopefulmommy1980 · January 2017

@fsuswim I hope your stay here is short. I felt really anxious when I can off the bench. I took it easy the first cycle (no temping or testing) and it helped.

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* TTCAL Check-In Week of 01/09/17 *

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