August 2017 Moms
melinda -2
member
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Bringing Dad on Board
melinda -2
member
I'll be 8 weeks pregnant this Friday and since I found out I'm pregnant my fiance has not been able to accept it. He is insistent that the only option is to get an abortion. But, for me that is not even a remote option. Anytime we have this discussion I am overwhelmed with fear and sadness about the idea of an abortion. He has gets highly emotional about the idea that having this baby could be an end to the relationship. It is breaking my heart.
He is emotionally tattered about the idea of losing our relationship if I have this baby. On one hand he says he would be bitter if I have it - on the other, I would be bitter if I didn't. I feel like we are going to bed with sadness about this more often than not - I feel alone in this. I can't talk to him about ultrasounds or cravings or exhaustion. I can't complain about my clothes not fitting or my boobs hurting. He gets depressed when I am hungry more often or go out of my way to eat more healthy food.
Are there others with similar challenges?
He is emotionally tattered about the idea of losing our relationship if I have this baby. On one hand he says he would be bitter if I have it - on the other, I would be bitter if I didn't. I feel like we are going to bed with sadness about this more often than not - I feel alone in this. I can't talk to him about ultrasounds or cravings or exhaustion. I can't complain about my clothes not fitting or my boobs hurting. He gets depressed when I am hungry more often or go out of my way to eat more healthy food.
Are there others with similar challenges?
Re: Bringing Dad on Board
In the meantime, I'm using a few techniques:
- Telling people earlier than I might have otherwise: this allows me to be excited with someone, to bitch about symptoms with someone, to get sympathy from someone.
- Getting involved here
- Seriously looking into therapists for both of us, separately and together. Insurance is a bit of an issue, but I think it's going to be helpful for everyone.
- Setting themes for the week: if I try to get us to decide/fix/discuss everything all at once, we'll self-destruct. So last week was only about nutrition and fitness, because no matter what, we both need to work on that. This week is an extension of that - meal planning - because circumstances last week (snow) prevented us from getting as far ahead as we'd like. Next week is about other medical appointments, like me finding a new dentist and his allergist.
-Mantras: we keep telling each other we're going to be okay. We keep choosing each other. I think it's helpful when I'm in tears, at least.
Congrats on "your" pregnancy since it sounds like it was unwanted by him. I wish you luck in figuring this out.
I'm going to get really honest and straight to the point here. Why weren't you preventing pregnancy if he was not on board? You do know that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy, right? Yes, things can happen but this "risk" is always present. I really hope you didn't "trick" him into getting you pregnant. I would never want to have a child with someone who also did not want one. I've never been in a similar situation because I simply wouldn't put myself in it. If I were in your situation, I would seriously consider leaving him as I wouldn't stand for an abortion. But you do you.
***TW in Siggy***
Me: 34 / DH: 33
Married: Nov 2011
TTC #1: Jan 2013, BFP Sept 2013, DD: June 2014
TTC #2: Aug 2016, BFP Nov 2016, DS: August 2017
I do know this...although MH has been excited for every pregnancy (this is our 3rd) he doesn't feel the same way toward our baby as I do until they are physically here. I think it's just hard for men to be completely in love with our babies like we are since they don't experience what we do.
Give him a little time, and then you two really need to have an open conversation. He obviously has fears. Was his dad a bad father? Was he absent? Do you have financial issues? Are there relationship problems already? All questions that you and he need to address together.
I am anti-abortion, so I side with you on this, but don't discount how he is feeling. If it is a fear that needs to be addressed, do that. However, I would absolutely address with him that it is completely unfair to put you in the position he is putting you in, because it absolutely took both of you to make that baby.
Lots of thoughts and prayers as you navigate this road. I hope it gets better and you and he can have some open dialogue about this.
As far as it goes for handling this situation, it goes the same as with any relationship. If they want you to do something you can't/won't/aren't comfortable with, it's time to move on, even if it's just for a little bit to give him time to think and come to terms with it. But don't go back until he is ready to accept being a dad. Everyone want the other parent involved with their child and sometimes that just doesn't happen for whatever reason. You have to chose what's best for you and not let anyone make that decision for you. Good luck
Have you guys talked about family planning in the past? Did he want children in the future? If yes, he may come around eventually but remember that having a child is not easy and even stable marriages with wanted pregnancies have difficulties in adapting to the life changes a baby brings. You may have, for your own health and of the baby, to walk out on him until he makes a decision. Although he will have responsibilities towards the baby, you cannot force him to want a kid and be physically present. Your baby will be better off growing up in an environment where he/she's wanted. Now it's time for you to think if you're willing to do this on your own.
I wish you luck.
@dmbfan46835 agreed that the baby is pretty theoretical right now to SO because he's not actually experiencing the pregnancy.
@Melinda I'm really sorry you're dealing with this and I hope that you come to a solution that you are happy with. I can't say that I've been through this myself but I agree with the ladies above when they say that your primary concern should be your baby and yourself. In my experience with relationships I've found that you can not make someone do something they don't want to (stay, go, have a baby, change). The only thing you can control are your own actions. I really do hope he comes around but if he doesn't I wish you all the strength in the world.
What about being parents does he think will ruin your relationship with each other? Has he mentioned any specific fears you can address, or is it just a general sense of doom? Talk it out with him, if you can.
Can you have him come with you to an ultrasound? I know for my husband in my first pregnancy, seeing the baby on the screen and hearing her heartbeat on the doppler helped his mind transition from, "My wife is behaving differently due to a condition called 'pregnancy'," to, "There is a tiny human inside my wife, and I am responsible for the tiny human, and I love it."
I truly hope being parents together brings you and your groom-to-be closer than ever.
Lose him. Not worth it waiting for him to "come around." Any man who tries to force you into doing something you don't want should be dropped. It is not like trying a new food. This is a life altering decision. Could you live with yourself knowing he bullied you into an abortion you didn't want if he leaves you later?
Btw, I would have a hard time being with someone who didn't have my back when life gets tough. You want someone to be there for you and your baby unconditionally.
If she tricked him, I'm sure she wouldn't come here looking for advice. If she didn't prevent as well as she should/could have, then that isn't just on her. I put that up there with victim blaming. He can wear a condom to prevent if he was that adamant about no kids. He is JUST as responsible for prevention as she is.
I'm glad for you that you've never had an accidental pregnancy, but it happens. Often. Standing on your pedestal and turning your nose up at someone doesn't make you superior. She asked for advice. Don't have any? Don't answer.
With that being said, it is still important that you listening to his fears and be supportive and understanding of his feelings
Another thing that might help is turning to a close family member or friend at this point. Sometimes this is hard with relationship problems, but being about to hash out your feelings with someone who knows you and your fiance can really be helpful.
We talk about this everyday - they tend to be very logical and pragmatic conversations. We went to a therapist together last night to discuss this topic. When we left he said he was afraid our relationship couldn't survive this. He feels like the relationship is dead if I have the baby and I know it is dead if I have an abortion.
I guess I am just feeling kind of alone in this today ...
On a tangent: When I use the word baby or refer to it as a life inside me he "corrects" me by telling me it's not "really a baby yet." I would like to invite men everywhere not to tell women things like this until they are blessed with a uterus.
Absolutely hands down best best friend in the entire world. Gets pregnant with her fiance early in their relationship, he pressures her into an abortion even though she didn't want one. They did a shitty job. A few months later they have to go back in and open her up to remove ..stuff.. and they botched that too and knicked her bowel they didn't notice she almost died. And now due to the scar tissue she has in her uterus it'll be nearly impossible for her to get pregnant. And if she did they wouldn't want her to "continue the pregnancy" because the chances her uterus could rupture are crazy high.
So. Now she's gone from being in love with guy to resenting him and feeling like no one else will want her because she can't have kids. And he hates that he pressured her into it and feels like he has to stay with her because it's his fault. There is very little love left between them.
Moral of the story here, don't let anyone pressure you into doing something with YOUR uterus. You never know what could go wrong. If this baby is a blessing to you keep it and if you have to ditch the guy. Take time to assess your happiness and go from there.
He may be right. Your relationship may not survive this. But it wouldn't be at any fault to the child. It would be due to his unwillingness to accept responsibility for something he helped create, intentional or not.
Please do not abort this baby. If your relationship is going to work, it will work no matter what decision you make...if not, it wasn't ever going to. Maybe this was a blinking light after several missed red flags? I don't know.
We're here if you need us!
Others have given you good advice here, especially with telling other people. Get outside support because it sounds like you're going to need it.
Together: January 2002
Married: May 2008
Baby: August 2017
Clearly we like to rush along at lightning speed...
I personally cannot fathom having my husband feel this way. That would make me feel lost and alone. For the baby's sake, please talk to your fiance.
I'm going against the grain here. You stated that neither of you ever really wanted kids in the first place. SO yes, accidents can happen but if this isn't something you ever wanted or dreamed of, why let it ruin your relationship? I am 100% pro-choice but I think both parents get the say, not just the one growing the baby. We got pregnant much earlier than we planned to and when my morning sickness was at it's peak, I was looking into an abortion. Shame on me, but this isn't how I wanted to remember being pregnant and knew I had more time as I'm only 24. I couldn't risk losing my job (that's how sick I was for 3 weeks) or going unpaid, but maybe in 5 years I would be more well-off and could take that gamble. But DH told me if I did such a thing he would leave me immediately. So even though it's my body, my pain, my suffering, in the end we are a team and the decision is both of ours. He is more important to me right now so I chose him (and this baby).
Very unpopular opinion, I know. Now that I am feeling 50% better I am glad with the route we chose and things between myself and DH are much better.
Keep the baby. Work on the relationship. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't.
I know many women who had unplanned pregnancies. One chose to abort (guy was a douchecanoe). No regrets. Another chose to keep the baby even though the guy was a douchecanoe and is no longer in her life at all. Life is still a struggle for her and derailed her life plans, but she does have a new supportive boyfriend who will be adopting her child. He's wonderful. Two other couples chose to get engaged and married after finding out about pregnancy, and they appear to be happy families. Still others had unplanned pregnancies after marriage and welcomed the child with open arms and love. And this is just who I know about!
Even if you're not religious this is still a good quote: "When humans make plans, God laughs." This is just a new direction your life is taking. Good luck!
I can't even imagine the range of emotions you're going through right now. Creepy internet hugs! I'm truly praying for you.
One thing that hasn't been brought up is adoption, so I thought I'd just throw that out there. It might be a good compromise since you don't want to end the baby's life and your fiance doesn't want to raise a child. I know a couple who adopted their son on the day of his birth, and I think the way it worked was, they paid for the birth mother's OB and hospital expenses throughout the pregnancy, came to the hospital the day he was born, signed all the papers, and took him home when he was released from the hospital. I don't know any more about it than that, just throwing it out there since it hasn't been mentioned yet.
@melindaSince neither of you wanted to have children, maybe consider adoption? So so so many families can't have kids and would be so blessed by adoption. No pressure at all, but maybe something to consider.
Thoughts and prayers. Every blessing is a gift and NOT an accident. Don't let him take away this joy or gift or future if that's not what you want. Some of the most incredible moms I know have fought through hardships to raise their babies, sometimes by themselves.
5.5.16 | 8.14.17 | 1.30.19
We were using protection, and we both actually didn't want to have kids...ever. But it happened, and abortion wasn't an option for me. I'm super pro-choice, but personally I couldn't do it. I briefly thought about adoption, but I knew I wouldn't have it in me to care for the baby during pregnancy and then let it go.
I had him come to ultrasounds with me, I think it made him feel more connected to the baby, being able to see it. And I didn't hide any of my pregnancy symptoms or emotions, to spare his feelings. Once the baby was here, he fell in love with him and he is a really awesome dad, but he still always resented me for making that decision, and I eventually ended up leaving him because we were both so unhappy together. We get along really well now with co-parenting and joint custody, even though that's not ideal.
I think you do have to except that he might not come around though, and you might be doing this on your own. When I made the decision to keep it, and he was totally against that, I was fully prepared to do it alone. I think that took some stress off of him, because he didn't feel like I was trapping him, and I was mentally prepared for worst case scenario.
Last thing I will say, I wouldn't change my decision for the world. As much as I loved his dad, my son is the best thing in my life.
There is no guarantee that you'll be with FI forever. He could change his mind about you; you could change your mind about him; one of you could (God forbid) pass away. You will however be with yourself forever and need to make decisions that you can live with.
Give each other time and keep going to therapy. Good luck.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I faced a similar situation with my 1st. My SO and I had been living together in the states and because of visa restrictions, he had to move back to Australia and we were going to do long distance for 7 mo until I could move there. I spent a month visiting him and found out I was pregnant several weeks after coming home. I was on the depo-provera shot so it was a surprise, and while he knew I was pro-Choice, I never hid the fact that I personally couldn't live with myself if I had an abortion.
I told him that I was going to have the baby, but that because of our adverse circumstances, I didn't expect anything from him and would find it in my heart to forgive him one day if he needed to walk away. He chose to stay but very much struggled with it. His family was incredibly unsupportive and was aggressive in letting us both know. He was terrified that we weren't financially ready and that the happy relationship we had would disappear. We continued doing long-distance (with 2 visits during) which was hard because I felt alone a lot of the time. But at the time it was the right move for us as my health insurance fully covered the birth in the states. Now, we live in Sydney as a family. He loves our daughter and we are making things work. It's not easy. His family has gotten better but there's still occasionally tension. Sometimes we both still have resentment towards the other for the sacrifices we both have made, but we love each other, and are both committed to the family we're building together (hence baby number 2!).
Our situation has worked because of the love we share and the honesty we try to bring to our relationship. All I can say is don't hide how you feel. Experience your pregnancy to the fullest and try to find solice in the life you are growing inside of you. Rely on your family and friends, because like my mom said to me, a baby is a blessing, not a burden.
Maybe things won't work out with your fiancé, but the two of you have a relationship separate from the ones you each will share with your child. Just try to remember that the love you will feel for your new baby and the love you have for yourself by making the choice you can live with will be worth it. I know it's not easy. But you aren't alone.
You've gotten some really good advice, but I didn't want to read through all of this and not offer some support. First of all, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I've had a miserable first trimester, nausea-wise, and I can't imagine going through it without a 100% supportive dad-to-be. I can see where your fiance is coming from - his idea of his future has been turned upside down, and there's nothing he can do to change it. Maybe with time he'll come around, maybe not. I'm glad that you're clear on what you want, and now is a great time to start sticking up for your baby. It's great that you're in therapy together (that would have been my first recommendation), and I hope that you can find the support you need during this pregnancy and beyond, even if it's not from your fiance. I'll be thinking of you (in a non-creepy, internet stranger way).
The first time around was a similar feeling. Nothing as drastic as an abortion. We planned on a child one day but it happened sooner then he expected and between the first and this one we had a condom broke and he freaked out and we fought over it. For guys it is a lot harder to accept it and get it the feelings. I don't think he really expressed any feelings until the first time he felt her kick and then the ultrasound. It was birth that he should truly sweet and genuine love and emotion and that's probably when it really hit him.
So I guess that just my sliver of hope that one day he will possibly come around.
He may also have deeper issue that are affecting him and he won't get passed them. I'm glad you're talking to a therapist because that is the only suggestion I can suggest.
I do not think ending this will help your relationship at all though. He will be the reason you did this and you will be bitter at him. It won't work in a relationship. He could come around, or you could split but you will have best gift ever. It might be scary but your growing child is amazing and you can do it! Being a mommy is hard but it's the most rewarding thing I've done.
Women are allowed to decide what happens to their bodies...end of story. If OP doesn't want an abortion then she doesn't get one. Any adult having sex should know that there is no form of birth control that is totally effective so any time you choose to have sex you do it with the understanding that you could become a parent. Nobody is forcing this guy to become a father but those are the cards he was dealt and now he needs to man up and deal.
OP you have had tons of great advice and stories with happy and not so happy endings. In the end this really is your decision. I've watched what happens to a woman who has an abortion that she didn't want and it's terrible. Don't do that to yourself. Keep trying to work it out with your fiancé and hopefully you are one of the happy endings and he falls deeply in love with the baby. If not then it's a new chapter of your life and you can do it. The single mom gig isn't easy but it's possible and so rewarding.
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
Does the SO you always pictured (and deserve) in your life love you unconditionally? Do you want to be with someone that can change their mind about their love for you based on a change that has nothing to do with infidelity or deception?
POV around abortion is one thing... but I feel like you both need to truly think about how this is playing out and regardless of the outcome if you really think you are either ready for marriage and/or the right people for one another.
FTR my DH and I did premarital counseling, by default with our officiate, and he asked hard questions... one of which was abortion if we had a baby with a genetic disorder or how we'd feel about it if we had a daughter that got KTFU at 15 years old... things like that. We were asked all sorts of random questions had to respond while being put on the spot... we didn't always have the same approach but at the end of the day we have the same values and beliefs that shaped our responses. I highly suggest you go through this type of exercise if you haven't already, today it is an unplanned pregnancy but who knows what tomorrow might bring...
Additionally a guy who never, ever, ever, ever wants children can get a minimally invasive "snip snip" rather than leaving it to his partner to deal with taking hormones, getting shots, having a device inserted (long-term or short-term), or getting more complex and invasive surgery.
IvorySoapGirl - Forest Hills, NY
Me: 40 DH: 40
Married May 2012
DD born Sep 2013
MC Feb 2017 11w2d
CP May 2017 5w
MC Oct 2017 6w
BFP Dec 2017 EDD 8/15/18