Opinions Needed! IVF/ FET Momma's Who Chose Gender

krisnjoe · January 2017

so we did gender selection with our first IVF cycle back in 2009 as we wanted our 1st to be a boy. But we have never told anyone that we picked his gender. We just waited for that OB visit to happen at like 20 weeks and revealed to everyone at that time his gender and acted like we just found out. We just weren't sure how everyone would react to us picking the sex in advance, we have family with strong religious views, and also just frankly wanted to keep that our business. Also overheard people saying it's a designer baby, your playing God etc etc so just didn't feel like it would be received well.
So here we are in 2017 about to do an FET with the other 2 frozen boy embryos from that cycle. I'm starting to feel like we might announce it this time if we get a BFP this month.
what does everyone think? To tell everyone or not to tell and do what we did last time? What are you doing??? If you told people about it, how did they react?

LadyMillil · January 2017

I would just leave it at you did genetic testing to make sure the embryo was chromosomally normal before transfer and as a result also know the sex and it's a boy. I don't think it's anyones business that you chose to transfer male embryos. I believe Chrissy Teigen and John Legend did sex selection and there was a lot of negative reactions to that that you can probably find online to see what people were saying

funkykey · January 2017

Yeah, and Chrissy Teigen and John Legend, that was even less controversial, because they chose girl. In most parts of the world, girls are seen as less than boys (A rickshaw driver in India told my sister that our father was cursed for having so many daughters!), so it was almost refreshing that they made a public statement that they wanted a daughter. What you're doing is really controversial!

You have other children too, right? Not just your son from the 2009 transfer? Your other two, are they girls? I'd be less worried about what the rest of the world thinks than what my daughters would think when they grew up. If I found out that my parents had gender selected my brothers but not gender selected me, I would be hurt and would always wonder if they loved me just the way I was. It would look to me that they preferred boys to girls. You might want to keep it to yourself just for that - so your daughters never know.

Part of me agrees with @LadyMillilthat it's your private business - it's a free country, you're allowed to have your own preferences - but part of me thinks sexism and stereotypes about gender are everyone's business, and by openly discussing our preconceptions, we can challenge them and become stronger. Like, why choose boy? Why did you have a preference?

But you'll definitely get blow-back if you discuss it. I judge my friends who have not even gender selected their embryos, but have simply expressed a desire for one gender over another during their pregnancies. We know one couple who wanted girls because girls are "less crazy" than boys, and easier to raise. Which is sexist and not based on any hard evidence. My niece is way more work than her brother- it's just personality, has nothing to do with gender. Besides, even if - IF - there is some kernel of truth to it and girls are "more biddable" than boys because they're pressured to be more meek, who would want that for their daughters? Where is the fun in that? (As you can tell, I am not meek at all.

)

But maybe your reasons for it are more personal than that couple's. Like if you lost your brother young and wanted a boy to name after him, or something.

I know people say that stuff about designer babies and playing God, but they're not entirely correct. Even if you pick boy, you might get one who is sporty or nerdy or bald or hairy or straight or gay or artistic or reckless. You can't really pick anything at all about them- just what organs are between their legs.

Maybe that's why I have such trouble with it: like, picking the sex organs is the least important thing, so why bother? Why not just make sure the embryo is healthy (to minimize the possibility of any MC) and leave the rest up to fate?

JuliaGoolia719 · January 2017

We're about to start our first cycle, and are doing PGS testing to make sure everything is normal, so we'll know the sex before hand- or at least have the option to know. My DH has expressed a strong preference for a boy child and I've expressed that I'd really like a girl. Frankly, for me its bc I grew up w it just being me and my mom and she's one of my best friends now that I'm an adult. I'd love to have a similar relationship with a daughter, I know there is no way to know how these things will turn out, but in my head we're a freaking Norman Rockwell painting (also aware that if I have a boy that it does not mean we couldn't have that same kind of relationship but its foreign to me since I'm an only child and from the age of 2-12 it was just me and my mom). I can't speak for DH entirely, but my assumption is that he wants a boy so he can have all those "father son" moments with sports and stuff. -- and trust me I know that the reproductive organs one is born with does not mean that a boy will like sports and a girl will like princesses, DH loves sports -- all sports-- with a passion that baffles his parents bc neither of them particularly like them nor are they especially competitive, and DH's cousin is a boy who has since he was able to state a preference for things has unabashedly loved theatre, broadway musicals, has the most flamboyant personality who could care less about outdoor activities-- much to his hunting and fishing fathers confusion (total acceptance and love, but confusion)

NOW, with that being said, the most important thing to either of us is that we have a healthy baby at the end of this process. If we PGS test and all the embryos that come back healthy are boys I will not be sad. I know DH would feel the same if the reverse was true and we had all healthy girl embryos. We've tentatively discussed what we'll do if we have a mix of boys/girls that are equal in all ways, I think a coin toss was where we left it last time ( best out of 3 most likely) or just letting the dr choose and tell us later.

If we do decide to pick boy or girl we likely won't tell anyone we did, bc its none of their business. I don't care if people think its a great idea or a terrible idea, its not their family. IVF has its own set of judgments from people who haven't had to go through it, I have no desire to open us up to any more than necessary lol.

KLake42 · January 2017

I have absolutely no judgment about people who choose.

For myself, if we get genetic testing, I may ask not to be told the gender, but I have my own reason. If I'm honest with myself, I'd prefer a girl. But knowing I have that preference, I've always thought that I'd end up with a boy, just because things work out that way. And if I get a boy, I will just love him to pieces.

So I don't want to be presented with a choice. Would I choose a girl, and if so, would that be some sort of rejection of the boy? And how could I reject that boy?

I know I'm overthinking it-- and really, this is me being absolutely nuts. I don't think anyone else works this way, just me and my weird brain.

So I'll ask to not be given that choice. And in the end, for me, it wouldn't matter-- chances are, if we get more than one viable embryo, I will try to carry all of them before I'm done having babies. Again, me being nuts-- I completely respect everyone's reproductive choices!

Given the bias that some people have about IVF, about reproduction, about women making decisions about their reproductive lives, I can understand anyone who chooses to keep this stuff private. But I don't think there's anything wrong with gender selection.

And really, please keep in mind that where there is bias, it may well be there because there is all this cultural weight pressing down on women who make choices about their reproductive lives. There's misogyny there. Buncha BS.

And good luck with your FET!

dadezbombz · January 2017

I think that if your religious family members or beliefs would upset people (even though it is none of their business anyways) you should just go with it. I would just do like you did the first time. Nobody needs to know your choice and why.

Polythene Pam · January 2017

*TW previous child mentioned**

we got pregnant naturally with my daughter and I fully admit I hoped for a girl. Or at least one daughter if we had multiple kids. I was incredibly close with my mom and she passed years ago so I wanted to share that with someone else. Now we find ourselves starting IVF and we're opting to not find out/choose gender, but I don't judge since I know that feeling of hoping for a certain sex. Again I would've been thrilled with any healthy baby, I just missed my mom and it was very personal.

However I know it's a hot topic (what isn't) so I personally would keep it private, just reveal it later. I have a friend who has 2 girls through IVF (didn't choose the sex) and they're deciding if they should do IVF for a third, she confided in me that it's appealing that they could choose a boy embryo. However she said she'd never tell anyone, especially if that'd be strange for her daughters as they weren't done in the same way. So food for thought if any other kids might not love knowing that or if you feel you'd have to defend yourself. I know my family would have mixed opinions but they're already mixed that we're even doing IVF since both my siblings were adopted, they don't get why we're not going that route. So you know your support system best

pizza_brat · January 2017

I did choose the gender I wanted and I am transferring it this weekend.
I wrote more about this on my blog: FET : CD17 / Gender Selection

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

Personally I wouldn't announce any pregnancy until at least 12 weeks. I've had 2 heartbreakers that way. I don't trust pregnancies. They are elusive and fragile. But no judgement on the gender I really want twin girls but I didn't do PGS testing and I only have 2 blasts so this is a crapshoot for me.

wifeinraleigh28 · January 2017

*TW*

We chose the sex for our embryo transfer. Having a girl was really important to DH. I always pictured myself with a daughter but it wasn't important enough to me to do sex selection. But it was important to him so we did it. We told our families, however, that we didn't know the sex of the embryo being transferred and that we would have to wait until our anatomy ultrasound to find out. This wasn't because of their religious beliefs or the fact that we thought they would be judgmental, we just wanted it to be our little secret. Another reason I didn't want our families knowing is because I knew they would get even more attached to the baby once they knew the sex. If anything were to happen, I didn't want to have to disappoint everyone even more than we already would be. Well, our anatomy ultrasound happened to be yesterday, and now that all is well and healthy with our baby, I can't wait to tell our families tomorrow at our sex reveal that we are having a girl.

funkykey · January 2017

Found out after my first post in this thread that sex selection is actually illegal in Canada, which is my homeland. So perhaps some cultural differences at play on this one...

hibiscus118 · January 2017

We didn't do genetic testing on our embryos and even if we had, my clinic doesn't let you decide gender so it wouldn't be up to us anyway. I also don't think I would want to know and would just let the doctors decide. However, if I did know I would probably tell my mom because we are close, and then leave it at that. I'm pretty open about my struggles, but I don't feel like this is something that needs to be discussed with others just because of the controversery (as IVF isn't controversial enough for some!).

caseyw8784 · January 2017

I know many insurance companies will not cover anything if they think that a couple is doing gender selection. at least, that's what we were told from ours. DH and I have to go PGD to rule out a single gene disorder, and we have the option to know what each of the embryos are. I know I have certain preferences, as does DH, but we've decided with our RE that she will transfer back two embryos -1 boy and 1 girl - so there will still be a bit of a surprise as to which one (or both) hopefully will stick...

In terms of telling others, it's not their business. We're not telling most that we're doing IVF, let alone PGD. Announcing it is asking for unwanted opinions, which we would rather avoid.

APM_SLP · January 2017

No one has to know it was selected even with an early announcement. Some couples transfer the best embryo and have the embryologist put the gender in an envelope. I'm going to announce the gender(s) early and my in laws are SUPER religious.

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