Can't shake the guilt feeling — The Bump
TTC After a Loss

Can't shake the guilt feeling

Today was a great day as I spent 5 hours at the spa.  Feeling generally good.  At random times of the day though I feel really guilty about my CP.  December was the month we did the fertility testing because of hitting the 6 month mark TTC.  It didn't take us but 1 month  TTC  with #1 so I just wanted a peace of mind.  I had my scheduled period early december - I got the HSG the next week on CD7.  I took a pregnancy test that morning just to make sure even though I knew I wasn't.  It came back negative.  I feel its so my fault because of the HSG.  The week after the HSG I felt off so I took another pregnancy test - that came back positive to my surprise.  I was getting multiple OPK positives - like 3 days in a row which I knew wasn't normal for me.  My OB said there is no way it could hurt the embryo.  The Dr. that did my HSG said there is no way it could have hurt it yet I still find myself coming back to it and blaming myself.  Why did I insist we get fertility testing - it all came back normal of course.  Thanks for listening :)
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Re: Can't shake the guilt feeling

  • @vlagrl29 first of all, it's not your fault.

    That being said, I understand. I keep thinking I shouldn't have lifted that heavy box, I shouldn't have leaned over DS's crib so far to reach that binky and so on. For me, it's hard to think that I can lose my baby for no reason at all. I feel your pain, but I keep telling myself it's not my fault, there's nothing I could have done, there's nothing I did wrong. And the same goes for you.

    It is not your fault at all.

    Hugs to you in this difficult time.

  • Oh hun, it's definitely not your fault. We always want to blame ourselves but we have to remember that we are not to blame.
  • *raises hand* I definitely still think about what I could have done wrong for both of my losses...but @pumpkin0913 said it perfectly. Hugs. 

    Me.30 DH.31 
    BFP 8/28/15 mmc @ 11 weeks (d&c)
    BFP 9/28/16 mmc @ 8 weeks (d&c) - trisomy 5
    BFP 2/3/17...edd 10/13/17 <3

  • I ditto everyone.  I wanted an explanation so I kept thinking what I could have done.  But there isn't anything I did wrong and nothing you did.   Hugs to you
  • I agree with pp it is not your fault. I think we all want to explain why it happened so we know and can prevent it from happening again. So many times have I thought of what I could have done differently. Huge hug!
  • thanks - my DH says its not worth it trying to figure out what I did wrong or what happened.  He is telling me we will have another healthy one soon and this we just practice.  I just still have my weak moments.
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  • And we are all feeling guilty meanwhile my neighbor just had a baby and she smoked the entire time....
  • poor baby @MimoCa - DH had gotten me some baby onesies for xmas and I'm cleaning today and came upon them.  It hit a nerve and I started crying again.  I told him to please take them back and get his money back.

    I felt guilty for 3 different instances - the HSG, having horrible thoughts the 1 night I only got 2 hours sleep because I was starving and dry heaving, and the 1 progesterone pill I took that I found out I was allergic too.  I know it wasn't the progesterone pill because my spotting started before I even took it.  But the HSG and horrible thoughts I had still stick in my mind.  
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  • @vlagrl29 don't blame yourself. I was really stressed out during both my pregnancies and loss both back to back. I mean there are people who do worst things in their pregnancy and still carry to term. Best bet is that there were chromosomal abnormalities.
  • that's what DH says @MimoCa
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  • @MimoCa That irks me that people take pregnancy for granted.  I have noticed it more and more recently being a teacher and seeing more and more children that suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome.  I just can't contemplate how someone can do that to a child.

    @vlagrl29  A few years back I came to the conclusion that life really isn't fair.  Now that I've accepted that it has helped me (a little, not completely) accepting the shit that comes my way.  Sometimes really shitty things happen to good people and there isn't always a balance to that luck.  I guess what makes us who we are is how we come away from these situations.  I was convinced that I had caused my ectopic by falling roller skating thinking that I might have knocked the fertilized egg into the wrong place when I was playing before I knew I was pregnant. Don't blame yourself, especially because you had a bfn and didn't know you were pg. 

  • Ugh, I hate the hen I see pregnant women smoking @MimoCa

  • @vlagrl29  Definitely don't blame yourself.  There was nothing you did/didn't do that caused the mc.  I do think it is natural to find something/someone to blame.  Be gentle with yourself.

    @MimoCa Ugh.  So infuriating.  What gets me is that people who abuse drugs/alcohol get preg accidentally, use and still have healthy babies.  WTF?

    @justsuzie  I have also accepted that life is unfair.  It helps.  I have to say that it takes a couple times of being knocked down for me to realize how unfair things are.  Honestly, without going through this mc I would've thought that every pregnancy would be a breeze.  
    Me: 36  DH:35
    Married: 7/10/2016
    TTC#1 - May 2016
    BFP 9/6/2016 - Missed MC 10/20/2016  
    BFP 5/5/2017  - CP
    IVF #1 - June 2017  - Transferred 1 fresh 4 AA embryo.  7/9 Beta #1 - 161 
    <3 Adam <3 Born on 3/18/18

  • @MimoCa ugh, exactly. And can't stand when the most unhealthy people have babies and here we are, questioning our every move :( 

    Me.30 DH.31 
    BFP 8/28/15 mmc @ 11 weeks (d&c)
    BFP 9/28/16 mmc @ 8 weeks (d&c) - trisomy 5
    BFP 2/3/17...edd 10/13/17 <3

  • FAS is so heartbreaking. How could someone be so cold and careless towards their in on child that they inflict such a horrendous totally preventable disease on their offspring.  

    @justsuzie I feel the same way. Life keeps in trying to knock me down but I learned that if I don't care and think what's the worst that can happen, will I survive? Then I'm fine. F*** it! Am I right?

  • I feel ya, I've been struggling with guilt too. Even though I know there's nothing I did. Logically, I know that. But I still feel guilty. I just think sometimes "I'm supposed to keep my baby safe and protect it and I couldn't save it." It's heartbreaking. Don't beat yourself up over it. I'm so very sorry for your loss :( there's never an easy way to get through it. Be kind to yourself <3 hoping for your rainbow. 

  • @MimoCa Last year I broke my leg, my dog passed away, I was in a walking boot at my wedding, had my ectopic....All bad shit, but then if I look at it the other way around..

    I broke my leg-got 3 awesome weeks off from work where I reconnected with my mother who was taking care of me.  Our relationship is very close now. 

    Dog passed away- I had her for 16 beautiful years and she lived a long happy life.  We then got our little pup noodle who made recovering from the ectopic easier.

    Walking boot-  Made the night even more memorable and I got to marry my love.

    Ectopic-  I can't put a positive spin on this one, but I can say it has made me a stronger, more empathetic person. 

  • @justsuzie exactly. That's how I try to look at all the crap that happened that last couple years. That's why I'm rooting for 2017 so hard. I'm ready for some good to start happening for all of us lol. I'm tired of the struggle!!! But I'm trying to be positive. So from now on only good will come ;)
  • yep you ladies are right - look at the positive side of things.  2007 was by far the hardest year of my life so much crap happened.  I was married we separated and he passed away before our divorce was final.  It was so challenging for me to recover from that whole thing.  Plus within that same year 2 other family members had passed - the other 2 were in 2008 but still within the year time frame.  Slowly I picked up pieces and made my own life and lots of good memories.  I got a puppy and she's still with us today.
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  • @justsuzie you made me tear up. I love the way you can find the positive in (mostly) everything. :smile:

  • You can feel guilty because there's no way to not, even when you know there's nothing you can do. It's just a normal reaction. Its horrible but we all know exactly how you feel. I know it was because I had to drive from California to Nebraska for my 14yo daughter's skating nationals. I wasn't eating right, (fast food & chain restaurants because that's all there was) wasn't sleeping enough, got edema super bad and bleeding hemorrhoids. That was the week the baby stopped growing and thinking back on it, I knew then that something was wrong. Even though I didn't find out for 3 more weeks. But I know I did it. And that's what kills me. I don't talk much about that because everyone says "It's not your fault" or "it could have happened if you'd stayed home" but it happened when we were on the road so I'll never know if I had just stayed home if things would be different.

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    DD born 04/28/2002
    Married DH 03/25/2017
    1st MMC 08/13/2016 2nd MMC 02/14/2017
    BFP 06/16/17 Rainbow DS Born 02/05/2018

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