Last name dilema

ShaunaT25 · January 2017

While picking names for this LO, I've come to realize that I have no idea what I am going to do about his/her last name. My now ex fiance dropped DS off at school one Monday morning while I was at work, and never came home. It has since been revealed that he now lives 5 hours away with a new woman and her two children, in a different province.

So, my issue is now, do I give this baby his last name, so that both of my children can share the same last name, even though this baby will have a very limited relationship with him, as he works away, lives out of province and left before they were born. Or do I give them my last name, as they will grow up surrounded by my family, and identify with us. Selfishly I want to just say he doesn't deserve to have either of them carry his family name, and I have thought about changing DS's name, but feel weird about that. I have asked his opinion (not that he deserves one) and he has said that he doesn't think I should change DS's name, but to do whatever I think is right about this baby. I am pulled every which way when it comes to this topic as to what the best answer is, and am just looking for some opinions, or maybe things I haven't thought about. This is certainly not a situation I ever pictured myself in.

Burrberrymum · January 2017

I'm really sorry you have to make such a tough decision. I can't say for sure what I would do but have you thought about hyphenating the last name for both of them?

ShaunaT25 · January 2017

Burrberrymum said:

I'm really sorry you have to make such a tough decision. I can't say for sure what I would do but have you thought about hyphenating the last name for both of them?

I have... I am just not a fan of hyphenating at all, and find in most cases only one of the last names is utilized anyways and it makes any paperwork a big hassel. I think working in health care and having to search for people has given me a distaste for that option.

It is a mind bogglingly tough call and I don't think there is a right answer. I want my children to feel connected to each other, but I don't want this baby to feel a disconnect from their family name because they will have very little to do with anyone that shares it unfortunately. If I knew he was going to be still involved on a physical level and not just financial, it would be much easier.

npaulie · January 2017

I can see why you would want LO and DS to have the same last name so that they feel connected. But, for what it's worth, myself and the brother below me have a different last name than my other two siblings and I don't feel any less connected to them. And my dad was out of the picture permanently from the time I was 10. Granted, I may have also been at the age where I understood it better, but for me a name was just a name. Especially at that point in my life.

Burrberrymum · January 2017

You're right, I have a hyphenated last name and only go by one of them except for legal documents. I hope your right answer comes to you. Whatever you decide there's always a little peace of mind in knowing last names can be changed in the future as well if and when they're old enough to talk about it on behalf of their own feelings as well.

serenity13 · January 2017

I'm so sorry you're in this position. Your strength through it all amazes me.❤️ It's such a hard choice but I feel like either way would be ok in the end so there's no right answer, you just have to try to go with your gut I guess.
Personally I'd probably give the baby my last name & switch the older one's last name too despite your ex's opinion on that - the day he left he lost the right to have any opinions on anything going forward, in my opinion. It might be a headache to switch it but it could prevent a lot more headaches down the road with having to always explain why your name is different from his as he gets even older etc.

kjd291 · January 2017

So so sorry you're in this position. As others have said-it's ultimately your decision and whatever you feel is best IS best. You're doing a good job mama. Keep strong

If it were me I'd give this LO my last name. I wouldn't be concerned about your two kids feeling disconnected because of not sharing a name - or if it still is a big issue for you, I would choose to change your older child's name to yours also.
Prayers for you!

motherofdragons-2 · January 2017

I agree with you and everyone else, OP. The father isn't wanting to or even capable of being involved and even said he doesn't care what you choose for the new baby- I personally would have both last names changed to mine. If and when you find a proper husband, it will be easier to handle all those name changes and such too if the kids have your name and not another mans. If the father had a stronger stance, I might be more inclined to say respect tradition and give his last name, but from what you've said he doesn't seem to care either way. Praying for you and your babies at this time, dealing with the dissolution of a family and losing that male father figure is so hard for everyone. Trust your instincts and always put those babies first!

hippiemama-2 · January 2017

I agree entirely with what @serenity13 said. And I am so so sorry that you're going through this. ❤️

jmacd22 · January 2017

I would want my kids to have the same name if possible. My daughter with my ex-husband who is 8 now has made comments about why her last name is different. Like when she sees people's cars that say The _____ Family. She will ask what kind of family are we since our names aren't the same? Or when we discuss name options for the baby she will say so I'm the only one that will have a different last name? I try to explain it to her but I would change it to my last name now if I could since her dad comes in and out at his convenience and my current husband technically has been her dad for years. But overall go with what you feel is best. Sorry you have to go through this.

Gators&BoSox · January 2017

I would personally give baby my last name. Your ex doesn't deserve any association with LO and your kids are going to be relying on you. Your older child can always choose for themselves if they would like to change their name when they are at an age to make an educated and informed decision.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are amazingly strong.

datalover13 · January 2017

So sorry you're having to go through this. I agree with what @serenity13 said, for sure. Definitely a tough situation. Big hugs to you.

Minger86 · January 2017

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, and I think you are correct - there is no right answer. For me, I would give the new LO my last name and change DS' also. But, that is me, and is somewhat based on my childhood experience. My dad left when I was 5 (my brothers were 3 & 7) and never made any real effort to be in our lives. We have had virtually no relationship with him, and I always wished my mom had changed my name when she changed hers back to her maiden name. I know at least one of my brothers felt the same. If you decide not to change DS' name, he could always make that decision on his own, later in life. I think I would be mostly hurt by your ex's comment that he doesn't care what you name the new LO... Is that because he has no intention of having a relationship with this one?

ShaunaT25 · January 2017

Thanks for all the feedback ladies. I am definitely leaning towards this baby having my last name and giving my son the option to change his when he's older. They do still have a relationship and I don't ever want to take that away from them. But I don't think it's fair to give his name to a baby he couldn't stick around for at all.

onechoctawgirl · January 2017

I feel so badly for you and this situation is really tough. If the father had an interest in being in this baby's and son's life I would have said give them both his name. But... as it stands it looks like he isn't going to be in the picture.

I think personally what I would do might depend on the age of your other son. If he is too young to really identify with his last name being part of his name I would probably go ahead and change it to mine and then of course give the new baby the same last name as us. But this is just so tough and I can see arguments for any and all options. Whatever you decide to do find peace with it one way or another. Good luck!

Happyhiker · January 2017

I'd go with your last name for this little one. I'm sorry you are in this awful situation!

nicklesb · January 2017

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope this incredibly painful extraction bring about a healing light and a much better life that you can even imagine. My heart is with you. If it were me, my fiance made his decision already about being the father of these kids, and I would have all my kids have my last name. I would see that I am both the father and the mother and therefore would deserve my kids to be named as such.

MrsBinPA · January 2017

@ShaunaT25 you already have loads of good advice here. Just wanted to say I am so sorry you have to go through this. You're so strong!! Creepy internet stranger hugs.

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