Name conflict

mothergoose4 · December 2016

hi ladies.
My husband and I are team green for baby #3 and decided to pick a gender neutral name. It's a name we've liked in the past. Here's the problem. My brother and his wife have been trying for baby #2 with no luck yet

since we announced our pregnancy back in October my SIL has made comments about how she likes the same name! And that will be her next baby boy name. What the heck do I do? We have such a great relationship with 0 conflict or drama. I feel this is so hard bc they are trying and are already sensitive about this. We have never shared any of our baby names with anyone so this is really pure coincidence that it's the same name. Help!!

JustAnotherUsername16 · December 2016

I would have an honest conversation with her about it - it's not your fault you both love the name, but not talking about it isn't going to solve anything.

mothergoose4 · December 2016

I agree. We totally need to talk to them before March- ignoring it would be horrible. Especially, bc she's mentioned it so often. Just super bummed.

direwolfmini · December 2016

Man, that is pretty tough. I would talk to her about it, and gauge how important that name is to her. I would also have a conversation with your husband about how important the name is to the both of you.

If you have a good relationship with her, and want to keep it that way, I would probably choose a different name. Sure, there is a chance that she will either 1) not have another baby 2) not have a boy baby, but if it were me it wouldn't be worth the family feud.

I know that people take their (potential) baby names VERY seriously, and while it is a coincidence, she might not see it that way.

mothergoose4 · December 2016

That is what I'm afraid of. The name serves no significant purpose to either of us-meaning not after a family member or loved one, just a name we both like. It's just really hard bc she also knew we liked it and continued to bring it up so we wouldn't use it. I kinda feel like that is unfair. She's never said don't use it. But passive aggressive comments have made it obvious

wintersong · December 2016

littlefriend214 said:

That is what I'm afraid of. The name serves no significant purpose to either of us-meaning not after a family member or loved one, just a name we both like. It's just really hard bc she also knew we liked it and continued to bring it up so we wouldn't use it. I kinda feel like that is unfair. She's never said don't use it. But passive aggressive comments have made it obvious

So she clearly cares a lot about it. Normally I'm in tree camp saying that you can't reserve names, but I personally would try to find another one just to avoid drama. The hard part is to process and shed the hurt feelings you probably have about it.

Gators&BoSox · December 2016

Not sure what the name is but is there one with a similar feel/sound you could use? Since you have no real personal connection to the name, I'd probably choose not to use it just to avoid the drama. If you did decide to use it and all hell breaks loose you might not have the same positive connection with the name anyways.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2016

I'm with the others here. I usually would say "Sucks to you SIL" but she's making it very clear (in a passive aggressive manner) that she really wants the name. How often do you see each other? How often will the (potential) children be together? If those answers are not very often, then name your baby whatever you want. Otherwise, let her have it or maybe sit down with her and try to get her to concede the name to you.

Spartanrd4 · December 2016

I had mentioned to a coworker while she was pregnant that if I ever had a girl that I would name her after my grandmother and I told her the name- fast forward to when the baby girl was born and low and behold, she named her MY name! I was kind of pissed off at first but never told her this- she says she had wanted the name even before I had told her about it....it wasn't worth making a big deal of it (at the time I wasn't even pregnant nor did I know I would end up having a girl). Even though she is just a friend and not a family member, I could still name my baby this name but instead I picked a new name and used the name I originally wanted as the middle name. Would that be okay for you?

direwolfmini · December 2016

I love @Spartanrd4's idea!

Regarding folks that take baby names and then claim "they always wanted that name", I always wondered why they didn't say something when you had that conversation with them? In this case, your SIL has mentioned the name a number of times and you haven't said anything, so be prepared for some hard feelings.

mothergoose4 · December 2016

Thanks for your honest thoughts ladies. The name is Charlie for a boy/girl. So with a few months to go we need to start over again. I'm considering Henry or Leo for a boy and we have no girl names. My husband likes Leo-I like Henry and the only name we both like is Charlie

he is really upset bc as a man he doesn't understand the whole name claiming thing. I've convinced him tho that if we decided to go with Charlie we would have to tell them before March. I know this is something that will upset us both but know we could move on from it. I just wish she was pregnant because it would be a done deal.

Gators&BoSox · December 2016

if it's a girl you could call her Charlotte or Charlize with the nn Charlie? Or Karly?

mothergoose4 · December 2016

Yes! Charlotte would be her full name and Charley would be her nickname (school, family etc).... update: I called and spoke with my SIL about it and told her how I felt. She was very receptive. I didn't want her to feel trapped so I told her to talk with my brother about it and sit on it for a few days. I told her I wouldn't mind to Charlie's in the family-but I got the vibe she wasn't a fan of that idea. I think what hurts the most is that she's not pregnant and it's been killing her. She admitted she thought it was ridiculous to claim a name and said she wouldn't do that but did express if or when they have a boy Charlie would be the name. So, I'm glad I got it off my chest and I'm hoping whatever decision they choose we can all move forward. That's what I really want it for us both, thanks for listening ladies.

OctoberLove13 · December 2016

My family has 3 Katelynns (all spelled different) if that makes you feel any better! They're not close cousins but at one point we were all together for a few holidays.
When I announced our baby's name one of them (i'm closest to her) said "you took my boy name!". Completely different scenario because she's not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon BUT people can change their minds if/when they actually get pregnant.

mothergoose4 · December 2016

Thank you for your reply. I personally wouldn't mind two Charlie's but I think bc ours would be first it bothers her. I'm waiting to hear what they decided and to be honest if they come back and say please don't use that name then we won't. No hard feelings and we all move on. Just stinks we even have to have this conversation

mclee · December 2016

I think I'm in the minority's here but I feel like baby names are first come/first serve. SIL expecting to reserve a baby name for a baby that isn't conceived yet seems unfair. I would definitely talk to her about it in advance and let her know you'd have no problem having to Charlies in the family but that this is your plan right now. That's what my sister did with me when they were planning to use a family part of my name if they had a girl. Luckily for me they had a boy but I understood (albeit begrudgingly) since I didn't have any kids on the way at the time. Good luck!

Goodmorning12 · December 2016

Yes, names are first come first serve. Always good to have a discussion but unless a name has truly significant familial meaning & using it would be in bad taste (i.e. SILs mothers name), reserving names shouldnt occur.

mothergoose4 · December 2016

Thank you for your response. I feel the same way. I just hate being the bad guy. I'm waiting to hear what her and my brother decide. I just hope it's a real solution and not "name your baby what you want, and we'll figure it out" bc again that's another terrible passive aggressive way to go about it.

babyisthenewblack · December 2016

Normally I'd be in the "first come, first served" camp, but I think you made a bad decision in allowing other people to have input on your child's name. Especially since you already announced it, you should have been firm but kind when your SIL started causing drama. Since you didn't, you're now at their mercy. They're not being "terrible" or "passive aggressive", they're just not giving you the answer you want yet. If it were me, at this point I'd simply pick a different name as it'll likely alway be a sore spot for your family even if your SIL relents.

mothergoose4 · January 2017

I see your point. The only reason why we shared the name was because she told me she liked it. Out of pure coincidence. No way could we have kept that name knowing how she felt. We talked about it yesterday and today she called to tell me not to name our baby Charlie boy or girl for it's a name she's always loved for a little boy and she's hoping they will get pregnant soon. It was uncomfortable and disappointing but I respect her decision and glad we can move forward. Thank you all for listening giving your advice. It's been helpful. Happy New Year!

SheiraSeastar · January 2017

Seriously, its not the end of the world if two related people have the same name. George Foreman named all of his kids boy and girl "george". nobody "owns" a name, especially a common one. Also, as a nerd in Game of Thrones, all of walder frey's kids name their grandkids after him, hence "big walder" (the small one) and "little walder" (the big one). Point being, you will naturally figure out how to distinguish your kids.

mothergoose4 · January 2017

Haha! This was a great perspective. And I agree. Unfortunately, my SIL prefers 1 Charlie in the fam. I think she's also hurting bc they are trying and it hasn't happened yet. I think a lot of people see both sides to the argument I'm just disappointed my side fell short.

babyisthenewblack · January 2017

Sounds like it was just an awkward coincidence that became way more emotionally charged than it needed to be. I still think if she's stuck on Charlie for a boy that you can safely use Charlotte if you have a girl. I hope you find a new name that you and your H like as much. And whatever you do... don't share it this time!

mothergoose4 · January 2017

Thank you for your kind words. Back to the drawing board

mclee · January 2017

That's really hard! I sympathize with both of you. If it was me I'd probably tell her how sorry I was but it's the only name DH and I agree on. That you'll try to come up with something else but if you don't then they will be it. But it's very big of you to pick something else.

mothergoose4 · January 2017

Thank you for your response. Wish she would be a bit more flexible. Hoping we find a name soon

JustAnotherUsername16 · January 2017

I just want to say I have so much respect for you. I'm sure it wasn't easy to approach such an awkward conversation, but you handled the situation with such grace.

mothergoose4 · January 2017

That was incredibly kind of you to say and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. I thought by now I would shake it off but it still stings. I'm just happy that we are having a healthy baby. Thanks again for listening! Happy New Year!

anonellis · January 2017

@littlefriend214 you are a lot more understanding than I would be. Does she already have a boy and didn't use this name for him? (You said it's her "next" boy name.). And she would only use it for a boy (no telling that will happen) whereas you would use it for either sex? It just sounds like hers is conditioned on a few things and you actually need a name in the next couple of months!

I struggled with infertility and my sister in law used my favorite name (unisex) during the time that I was actively trying and failing to get pregnant. i never said anything about it and she would have no way of knowing, but it still stung. But this doesn't sound like a case of your SIL dreaming of a baby with this name her whole life and it just hasn't happened for her -- it's just her (second) favorite name and she already had the chance to use it and didn't! And even if she gets pregnant tomorrow, it could be a girl! I would be so frustrated if I were you.

mothergoose4 · January 2017

Thank you for sharing your perspective as this is exactly what we are going through. They had a daughter first and thought about naming her Charlie but my brother didn't like it for a girl. So, they named her something else. They both agree they like it for a boy only. I was hoping I could move on from this, it's just taking a bit longer. What's hard is that she's upset bc they have been trying with no success and she's hurting. I can't imagine her pain but I'm nervous bc she's hurting she wants me to hurt too. It's also a shame I can't use the name for a girl even though they only like it for a boy. Just seems like I no longer have control over my situation. I was really hoping the compromise would be two Charlie's or at least a boy/girl Charlie if it happened that way. But to say I absolutely can't have it either way is just upsetting.

julievdm12 · January 2017

So, i also normally would say "first come first served" but after hubby and I were told we would never have kids, we started making plans to adopt some day. Hubby had a girl name picked out since highschool that my sister in law knew about. Fast forward to her wanting to use it for a middle name for baby number 2 and her asking my opinion. (Also she is super into being original) I knew we were going to have kids either biologically or through adoption some day so after talking it over with hubby we just said, "hubby has had that picked for a girl for forever so as long as you're not going to be annoyed if we still use it for a first name"
she ended up changing it. I don't know if that comes off jerky to some people that I said that, but I figured if you are the one bent on originality and you knew that was what we picked previously, then you can be the one to change....

just my opinion......

mothergoose4 · January 2017

Not jerky at all. In fact, as hurt as you guys were, you were able to compromise. Meaning, you both could use the name you preferred. There is 0 compromise in this situation and that's what's upsetting. I appreciate your take on it. It's clear that if we have a boy Charlie will not be the name. But if we have a girl I think we will keep Charlotte/Charlie. You just can't have it both ways

serenity13 · January 2017

Growing up my sister and I both absolutely loved the name James and talked about whoever had a boy first would get to have it... Then she went and married a James who happens to be a FOURTH so they're hoping to have a 5th (they're finding out the sex soon, she's due 2 months after me) but as soon as they got engaged and started talking about kids/continuing the name tradition I knew my favorite boy name was off the table for me. If there's no family tie though, as it sounds like is the case for you, it's totally different & I feel like it should be first come first serve then - especially with all the unknowns and potential for the other one to never have a child of that sex... but if there ends up being 2 cousins with the same name at least they'll have different middle/last names and they can have nicknames too, especially if you don't see each other super often it's ok to have the same name if you both love it. I would have been named Caitlyn if 2 of my cousins from different families hadn't first been named Catherine/Kathryn (but have always gone by Katie/Kara). My parents felt like they had to pick a new name because of that, which I get but it would've been fine even if they kept their original favorite. My mom still talks about how she loves the name Caitlyn & wishes she could've felt ok naming me that lol. I say just go with your heart, and if it's set on the name Charlie then you should do that & not feel like you have to sacrifice it because if you don't you might regret it in the future (esp if they never have a boy/use it).

mothergoose4 · January 2017

Thank you for your insight. I totally agree with that and I'm sorry you didn't get your James (hoping you do one day). We will most definitely try and find a new name we both love but if we can't I'm just going to have to tell her. I'm really hoping if they do have a boy in the future they will also name him Charlie. Just a crappy thing to have to discuss with somebody trying to get pregnant. I also want to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and be happy but this name conflict has me feeling uneasy.

OctoberLove13 · January 2017

@littlefriend214 it sounds like your heart is set on Charlie. I would be incredibly heartbroken to be this close to meeting my baby and having to change his/her name for someone else. There's no guarantee at all that if/when she becomes pregnant that she'll have a boy. I understand that your SIL is in an emotional place right now with trying to conceive but it's wrong for her to say that you can't use a name that you already had picked out. Call me heartless but she does have another child... I could sympathize more if they were struggling to get pregnant with their first child with the possibility of never having one.

mothergoose4 · January 2017

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your sympathy as we are sad about this. I just think this will forever affect our relationship if we go with Charlie. She definitely has control issues as is and getting pregnant is something she just can't control. It's killing her and I think bc she's really hurt she wants me to hurt a little too.

kfras · January 2017

I think two cousins with the same name is no big deal honestly. Is Charlie definitely the nickname for both? I'm thinking CJ or CT etc depending on the two different middle names. So when they are together you can call them different names. But really - I grew up with a large family and with all the seniors, juniors, or thirds... Not to mention when someone marries someone with the same name as her brother etc it ends up being not a big deal. It's tough because I've had my baby name picked since I was 8 years old and yes, I would have been upset before I was even pregnant if someone close to me used it. But I understand how difficult it is for you and DH to find and agree on a name you both like.

mothergoose4 · January 2017

Thanks for your response. It seems like every day I go back and fourth. Today I'm just telling her we are sticking with it then tomorrow I'm like I need to pick a new name. I just think it's unfair for her to say we can't name our child something we love especially since their not pregnant. I also feel it's unfair to say their can only be 1 Charlie. I'm having a very difficult time picking a name a kinda like for the sake of her feelings. When it comes to my family I feel I need to go with my heart. It's just such a difficult thing to go through now. In 20 years I'm hoping they won't care.

OctoberLove13 · January 2017

Honestly, I would go with Charlie as your child's name. Why settle on something else just because it will (most likely) temporarily hurt her feelings? If she REALLY loves the name she'll name her kid that, too. It's not right to tell someone with a baby in utero that they can't name their child something because you might possibly have a baby boy someday. You are much nicer about this than I would be!

mothergoose4 · January 2017

Thanks for the support! I'm leaning towards it as it would make me so happy

OctoberLove13 · January 2017

You're welcome! You don't want to be rocking your baby to sleep in a few months and stare at them thinking "I wish I would have gone with my heart on this".

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