Postpartum doulas: yes, no, your experience?

jayandaplus · December 2016

Hi all,

I'm a first time mom-to-be and giving birth at a birthing center. I'll probably have a doula for the birth, but not so sure it's necessary because my husband is a great support person, as are the midwives at the birthing center. Either way, I'm not so worried about the birth.

But, we have decided that we don't want family involvement the first few (or several) weeks, and while we do have friends who are near and supportive they have their own lives. Our parents are loving, but we worry they'd be too opinionated or focused on the baby. All in all, we worry about the post partum phase most. PP doulas tend to be pricey in my opinion, and only come for a shift a few times. I was hoping there'd be someone who could come every day for the first week or two, but apparently that's excessive.

So, what's YOUR experience with PP doulas? Is two or three 8 hours shifts enough help in a one or two week period? What do you recommend? Is it worth the money (800-2k$ depending on the doula and frequency), and if not, what would you suggest to help us transition?

Thank you!

meggyme · December 2016

Not sure about a PP doula, but if you have family that wants to visit and help out, it might be worth it to invite them when you need the help and just set boundaries if they get too pushy about things. It's free and I'm sure they would appreciate it too. They won't stop being opinionated just because the baby is older, so sooner or later you'll need to stand up for your parenting decisions anyway.

mill1020 · December 2016

[Lurking] Postpartum doula? Yes, yes, a million times yes.

We finally hired one when our third was born. I think she came twice a week for like 4 hours, maybe 6 hours each time. She helped do the laundry and dishes, talked me through some breastfeeding supply issues I was having, and generally was a set of helping hands with baby. [Would have been great if I had known about the possibility of a PP doula the first two times around, but such is life.] And she happened to be willing to hang out with our sons (ages 2.5 and 1.5) AND the baby while I napped--best thing ever (some don't really do much sibling care, so check in advance if you have older children). MUCH better experience than just relying on family, friends, etc, especially after the first week or so, because she wasn't easily overwhelmed or intimidated by such a busy household. Well worth the money.

SnarkasaurusRex · December 2016

No advice about a post-partum doula. I've never heard of them before, and, honestly, from your description it sounds like a waste of money. Yes, it's a difficult transition to welcome a new baby home, but it's one of those things that you just have to DO. Plus, the bonding time that you are your H will get to have with the baby is really priceless. I wouldn't want to share that time with a doula that I barely know, especially not for 8 hours a day.

I agree with PP that I wouldn't be so quick to say "no family" for the first few weeks. Set boundaries ahead of time with them if you're worried they will be pushy about things. I'm confused by your concern that they will be "too focused on the baby." Do you mean that you would want them to help out with meals/cleaning/etc. instead of spending time with the baby? If so, set the guidelines ahead of time by saying something along the lines of "We appreciate that you want to help out, but we'll let you know when we need you." You will need to become comfortable with doing that as your baby gets older...the opinionated people tend to get MORE opinionated as time goes on if you let them. You're the parent; you get to set the boundaries.

From my experience, my mother is an extremely pushy person, but I let her know up front that, while I appreciated her offer for help, I wanted that time to be for me and DH to bond with DS and I would call her if I needed her. She was really respectful of that, and times when she tried to push the limits I shut her down (she showed up at my house and called while she was sitting in my driveway to ask if she could come see the baby, and I said no). I could ask her to come bring some food, run to the grocery store, come take care of DS for a few hours while I had an emotional breakdown over my inability to EBF...it was nice to have left that door open to have her come and help, but not to leave it so wide that she came and went as she pleased.

jayandaplus · December 2016

Thank you all for the feedback. I guess I feel like I don't have the best options when it comes to family. My family and my husband's are not local. Everyone is a 9 hour drive or plane ride across the country. So, having family come would mean they'd stay in the house (unless we told them to get a hotel which seems harsh when we have a guest room). My mom's feelings are very easily hurt, and I hate putting myself in a position where I have to set limits with her because it always backfires and makes me into a bully/ungrateful daughter. My husband's parents smoke, and I don't want that around a baby even if they take it outside.

Thanks for the support!

lizerspitz · December 2016

If you have any trouble at all-breastfeeding, depression, etc-someone trained to talk to you might be really helpful. I'm thinking about this for myself. In other countries, postpartum care is part of standard routine for a month or two sometimes. getting the extra help from someone who wont judge like a family member is nice too. I just want the option open for me because I want a smooth transition back to work. If you have a longer time to spend with baby, then it might not be as helpful because you have time to figure things out.

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