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Infertility
Stella9876
member
Family's insensitive Christmas announcement (mentions loss/pregnancy)
Stella9876
member
Hi everyone, I had a really rough Christmas and am looking for support and honest feedback. To give to some background:
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since 2013. We had 3 failed IUIs and became pregnant from our first IVF in early November 2015. We lost the baby at 5 months this past March. We tried IVF again in September and was a blighted ovum.
My husband's cousin and his girlfriend do not have any fertility issues and actually accidentally became pregnant in 2015 while she was on birth control. Sadly his girlfriend, Melissa, delivered a full term stillborn. She and I are not close but we were empathetic towards each other regarding our losses over the past couple months (via text). My husband and his cousin, Kevin, are very close.
Fast forward to Christmas (yesterday), Melissa and Kevin made an announcement in front of the entire family that they were expecting again, and were 10 1/2 weeks. I felt completely blindsided by this and thought it was really insensitive of them to announce it like that given all that they are aware of. I felt that a heads up beforehand would have been appropriate. I immediately had a huge lump in my throat and could not move in that moment. I couldn't hug her because if I did, I would have broken down crying and did not want to cause a scene.
Am I overreacting or selfish by being upset by their method of announcing this? Was it insensitive or am I being ridiculous? My MIL and FIL were also really upset at how they did this but they might be bias!
Re: Family's insensitive Christmas announcement (mentions loss/pregnancy)
CP #1- due April 2017 lost 5.5 weeks
cp #2- due May 2017 lost at 4.5 weeks
iUI #1- BFN
IUI #2-BFN
IVF#1- transfer 2- BFP! Due October 2017 c/p#3 lost at 3.5 weeks
If they know about your struggles to conceive than it was insensitive. They defiantly should have given you a heads up. If you would have made a pregnancy announcement around them after their loss they would have been plenty upset about it. So you have every right to be upset. Not being able to conceive and miscarriages are huge losses too!
Likely they were just excited and totally forgot about what your going through. I think people just forget or don't fully get it just how much these things hurt. Or maybe they didn't care because they think after their loss that they deserve to openly celebrate what they now have.
Your not crazy. My family has guilted me by calling me selfish for not being happy for other pregnant family members. They don't get it! No one does unless they have lived the pain of not being able to conceive. However they should have known better after having been through a loss themselves. Honestly they were probably just excited and didn't really care About your feelings at that point. This is were you find out who really cares about what your going through.
After my bad christmas im deciding just to avoid family all together. You just never know what will happen at a family event so best to not risk it.
People just don't understand. Feels like no one does unless they have lived it. Struggling to conceive is so painful and only gets more painful as time passes. You HAVE to put yourself first. You can't care what anyone thinks and you can't put yourself through this torture just to make other people happy. You don't HAVE to be happy for anyone! I honestly don't feel happy for my pregnant cousin and this time I'm not going to fake it. I'm not going to be rude to them either but I am going to not have anything to do with them right now. You have to take care of yourself, stop worrying about other people and their feelings. Take care of YOU! You are #1. IF is devastating. Don't feel guilty about anything. You deserve to put yourself first!
TTC with IVF due to MFI and Mild PCOS
IVF #1 - scheduled November 2017
It was so sweet and so thoughtful, and meant she didn't tell me on day 1 or something- it meant that when I called her, I had collected myself.
I'm sorry Melissa and Kevin didn't pay you the same courtesy- that sucks. I'm sure they wanted to tell everyone at the same time and that they're excited, etc., but it wasn't thoughtful towards you at all. You are definitely not overreacting, sounds like they were being kind of selfish. Ugh. Good luck- I'm so sorry for everything you've been through!
MFI (High DNA Fragmentation) & Mild endometriosis
Aug 2016 - May 2017 6 IUI's with letrozole - BFN
April 2017 - laparoscopy to remove mild endo
June 2017 - Mini IVF letrozole 12.5mg, Gonal-F 75IU - Cancelled early ovulation, no eggs retrieved.
Aug/Sept 2017 - Mini IVF letrozole 12.5mg, Gonal-F 75IU, cetrotide - 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature
5 eggs ICSI'd 6 eggs frozen - 1 day 5 blast transfered, 2 expanded blast frozen - BFP!
May 2018 - Baby girl born - Our Joy
TTC #2 since July 2019
July 2019 - FET - BFN
Jan 2020 - FET - canceled due to family health issues
Mar 2020 - FET - low beta - chemical pregnancy
July 2020 - ICSI'd remaining 6 eggs - 3 fertilized - 2 survived to early blast stage, transfered both - Chemical Pregnancy
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, it was very insensitive and agree with the other comments made here, perhaps a heads up or call before hand might have softened the blow a bit, but coming out of the blue like that must have been so shocking.
I love the way that @funnykey friend handled it, she understood it would be hard to hear and put thought into the best way to deliver the message. What a very thoughtful and considerate friend you have.
Christmas was tough for all of us I think, I loved seeing all the pics of kids enjoying their special day, but my god it was hard to see.
IVF#1 Sep 2016 (4 eggs retrieved, 2 matured, 0 transferred due to DNA breakdown)
IVF#2 Nov 2016: Estrogen & Ganirelix. Stimming: Loprun, Follistim, Menopur. (7 eggs retrieved. 3 matured. 0 transferred due to PGD results)
IVF#3 Feb 2017: Estrogen priming. Menopur, Follistim and HGH
Not really regarding your particular situation...but I think everyone who is pregnant does have the right to be happy and to also show their happiness. While sensitivity should be expected from close relatives and friends who know of an IF struggle, I think it is also unreasonable to expect acquaintances or non close friends or family to know to be sensitive if it hasn't been brought up. While we all here struggle with IF I don't think our situations give us a right to be angry over another pregnancy...privately upset, of course, but never outwardly rude about someone else's great gift of life. Some may be able to be geniuinely happy for an expecting couple, and if not that is ok too. But understanding should go both ways, for people to understand the sensitivity of IF and for others to understand the pure excitement a baby will bring.
I think though that that for all of us who want to keep a relationship strong despite IF/pregnancy polarization that feelings need to be discussed so that the happy parents understand the pain enough to not be offended at a lack of joy shown and for the IF to be able to anticipate and deal with announcements or celebrations.
I have been been talking to a friend who has always had some IF struggles but was surprised by two babies. They decided they wanted a third this year and were going through all the tests again. We discussed results and she gave advice and said she would always be there to lend an ear. But yet come receiving their holiday card I found it was an announcement of their third baby on the way...and she would have known back in October but never told me. Even when I expressed my support and comforted her in feeling guilty for wanting a third when she has two and I have none. It hurt for a bit but I am able to be happy for her and know she didn't want to announce prematurely even to me. Their card is still displayed, albeit a little behind others.