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June 2017 Moms
Assiram42
member
Opinions of the Unpopular Variety
Assiram42
member
Lets hear them, ladies. I have a few appointments today, give me some good reading material.
Re: Opinions of the Unpopular Variety
...It's all I have so far.
Depending on their life experiences, people are going to find different things challenging. If you've been through life experience X, you may find life experience Y to be trivial and not worth complaining about. That doesn't make it trivial to the person going through life experience Y. Your own experiences do not invalidate other people's feelings. We may even collectively identify that experience Y is "worse" or "more challenging" than experience X; that doesn't invalidate the challenges of experience X alone.
Responding to people's feelings with outrage is a slippery slope. The logical leap between "How dare A be disappointed with the sex of her baby when B is facing a chromosomal diagnosis" could also translate to "How dare C be angry/disappointed about getting pregnant when D struggles with infertility" could also translate to "How dare E complain about not feeling a bond with her baby when F's baby was stillborn" etc etc etc.
The truth is all of these women face different incomparable challenges. We might collectively acknowledge that certain challenges are "worse" than others, but even then we don't know enough about these women to know the real impact of their specific challenge on them.
Pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster. Even without the hormone shifts, the simple life changes can have drastic impacts on mental health. And there can be very specific and severe mental health consequences to pregnancy, which we as a society are terrible at acknowledging as legitimate.
What I don't want is for someone who is struggling to feel as though they can't share their challenges because of the potential for "how dare you feel that way" responses. I don't want people who really need help to be scared to ask for it.
tl;dr Person A's challenges do not invalidate Person B's feelings about their own challenges.
DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015
It's not that people are saying you can't have your own struggles and people's challenges should be prioritized, but that you are comparing apples and oranges.. a baby passing is a tragedy..having a boy over a girl IS NOT! And if you think they should be the same, that's a huge problem in my opinion.
I lost my dad but would not tell someone not to have an argument with their own dad. But still do not think being devastated over the sex of my child is ok. It's not a "challenge, "tragedy," etc.. like you have mentioned. It's not. Having a sick baby is, having a girl is not.
Here's mine: I eyeroll when people say they're worried about listeria and following the "rules" about not eating deli meat, unpasteurized dairy, etc.
The odds of getting sick from it in the U.S. are so so so tiny as to be almost nonexistent. I looked up the stats and only around 225 pregnant women get it each year.
The funniest thing is that many of the recent listeria outbreaks in the U.S. are from foods that aren't on the banned-in-pregnancy list. Frozen veggies, salad mix, pasteurized dairy products, hummus. You probably have about as much chance of catching it from a "safe" food as from something on the banned list.
@Xath, I don't so much have an issue with sex disappointment, there were a couple of other girls in the post who expressed disappointment, I honestly wasn't upset with them. It was the relentless posting by @Momofboys about her desire for a girl. One can only stand so much. I have three daughters, I didn't have a fourth child to have a son, I had a fourth child to have a child.
Also, what I think a lot of people missed in that thread and I hate to bring it up was that @JessErinF, said that a certain poster should even be grateful to be pregnant despite a difficult diagnosis the poster was facing. Her comment was deleted, rightfully so, so some other responses could have been taken out of context after that. Meanwhile, that was the entire point we were trying to make to her, to just be grateful to be having a child.
Another person's struggles don't negate others, but in that particular instance, it was overwhelming the amount of times momofboys posted about her desire for a girl. I get sex disappointment, though I might not agree, I get it.
I'm also not comparing sex disappointment to child loss. Just like I'm not comparing it to challenging diagnoses or infertility. These things are not comparable; that is the exact point I was trying to make. Different people will find them challenging in different ways. Different people will rank them in different ways. I'd think we can all agree that losing a child is the absolute worst thing. At least that's how I feel; I have lost a child. I can still feel empathy for people who are going through other challenges, even if I would deem those challenges "lesser" given my own experiences.
You don't get to tell people what they are and aren't allowed to find devastating or challenging. (I mean you can, but it's kind of a dick move). You can empathize; you can provide constructive perspective. You can call someone out for being an inconsiderate twatwaffle. But having feelings of struggle in and of itself doesn't make someone an inconsiderate twatwaffle.
What I'm trying to say is while you might find the situation to be trivial or inconsequential or even absurd, it doesn't trivialize how that person is feeling about it.
DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015
BFP: 9/29
People complain about pregnancy symptoms, in-laws, spouses, other children, work, money, food, and pretty much anything you can think of here. Noone bats an eye. So why is how an aspect of someone's pregnancy impacts them emotionally such a taboo?
I'm not just talking about sex disappointment here. It's not something I've really struggled with personally, but I can still have empathy for those who are struggling. What really impacted me about those other threads was that people were so quick to jump on others and say "you're not allowed to feel this way because other people have/have had it worse." You could take that to the nth degree and we wouldn't be "allowed" to feel or talk about anything.
IMO, the BMB is sort of the perfect place for people to vent those types of feelings. There is a safety in pseud-anonimity, and you have a large community of people sharing the same life-changing experiences. Obviously, be considerate; don't post them in the PGAL check-in or the High Risk thread. But why not start a separate thread or post in MBF?
If not here, where would you expect people to express those feelings and frustrations? How would you recommend people process their emotions without triggering an explosive reaction from the community? (And I'm honestly asking here; this is for anyone).
DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015
As I said before and recommended to some of the ladies who expressed sex of the baby disappointment, there are actual boards for "gender disappointment'. My SIL joined one as she was spending upwards of $100k on optional IVF procedures purely for sex selection. Meanwhile I struggled to get pregnant with 1 baby due to DH's genetic condition and our need to use donor sperm and IVF. Sorry... they are NOT and never will be on the same level. I simply can't empathize with anyone who is disappointed in a physical attribute of their child (eg genitals, eye color, hair color, stature). Ever heard about "designer babies"? Just horrible (not saying anyone here was doing that)!
Give yourself a moment, a day, a week, gain some perspective, and just be happy you're fortunate enough to hopefully be having a happy, healthy take home baby.
But anyways, on to my own UO, I'm not big on upkeeping traditions (holiday, family, etc.) just for the sake of tradition, mainly because people take them way too far. Keeping up tradition becomes more important than common sense, feelings, or convenience in some families. "BUT we ALWAYS...." etc, etc.
For example, a friend of mine just had a baby. Her MIL had the tradition that her own mother was the first person to bathe all of her children, so she has wanted to continue that on with her own children. She has done this with her first two grandchildren. The friend was too afraid of pissing off her MIL, that she just gave in and let the MIL have rights to the first bath, even though she was a little upset about it. MIL would've been so butt hurt about this being the tradition breaker that it wouldn't have been worth saying no.
There are just too many people here facing complications, at least half a dozen who have left due to loss, and countless others crossing every finger for their take home baby after multiple losses to expect people to commiserate with extended gender dissapointment. It's not the right audience for a sympathetic response.
Know your audience.
DD2 8.22.13
MMC 1.4.17 at 16w
Expecting #3, EDD 1.29.18
PS You have PM.
My UO, which may or may not be with this audience... I am not my children's friend, I am their mother, and if that means my 3 yo tells me he loves daddy a lot and me only a little because I don't let him get away with murder and make him do what I tell him... I don't care. I'm so sick (esp this time of year) of parents giving in to their children's bad behavior due to fear of embarrassment in public or that their child won't like them. If my children would hate me but turn out to be honest and good people... so be it. I hope we will find a balance where they'll still like me and turn out well, but my #1 goal is not for them to like me. If I wanted more friends I could head out to the bar vs. carrying little people for 9+ months!!
Not an UO but should lighten up this thread!
Just got the call from the hospital with my FISH results. FISH test's for down's, all trisomy's and turners. My test came back negative. Now FISH is 98% accurate so there is still a chance for it to not be correct. But the test did indicate the presences of both XX chromosomes so it would appear we got a false positive on our NIPT. Official results will be back in about 10 days. I have another ultrasound on the 4th to look more closely at her cyst and see how it's doing and if it seems to be affecting her brain development. So for now things are looking up for my little baby girl!!!!!!!!!!!! Wish I could just hug you all for your thoughts and warm wishes!
People were not quick to judge or give their opinion, we had waited for the 3rd or 4rth post about it.
I have said once or twice that I'm sad that I might never have a girl, BUT I want another baby regardless. I actually want a boy just as much for different reasons. I wanted a child, not a certain child.
I actually opened that thread several times and it started out pretty casual and then went into non sense. People actually stating they couldn't get over not getting the sex they wanted. That's absurd in my eyes.
No one can tell you what you should be upset about, but that doesn't mean people can't have opinions.
Im also one who hates whining in general. There is a sign when you walk in my house that's says there is a $5 charge for whining!! Haha
@Elyse1384 and @Mother0fDragons, check your PMs.
I actually thought people were pretty restrained waiting for her to make so many threads. My eyes were rolling after the first.
DS #1 born 05/25/2012
BFP#2: 06/12/2013 ---- loss
DS #2 born 4/08/2014
BPF#4: 2/1/2016 --- 2/23/2016 suspected molar pregnancy--- 3/15/2016 D&E - diagnosis MM
BFP#5 - 9/22/2016
* formally bornmommy
@Elyse1384 - My favorite thing for the onlooker expression is giving it right back or even saying something like "Yes, that's right. He cannot have xyz." Whenever I have a hard day with my toddlers, and think of wavering just for the ease of it in the moment, I look at youtube videos of parents trying to physically control their 11+ yr olds in public because the children are throwing tantrums - instantly regaining my solid approach to "No."
DS #1 born 05/25/2012
BFP#2: 06/12/2013 ---- loss
DS #2 born 4/08/2014
BPF#4: 2/1/2016 --- 2/23/2016 suspected molar pregnancy--- 3/15/2016 D&E - diagnosis MM
BFP#5 - 9/22/2016
* formally bornmommy
One of the reasons I posted this here instead of the original threads is that I thought those got pretty insensitive and over the top pretty fricking fast. I'm not trying to defend what was said there. I'm mostly concerned that there are other, more sensitive/sensible posters here who might be more hesitant to post because of the reactions in that thread. It sounds like there's no cause for concern though, and that the reactions previously had more to do with the insensitivity of the OP than the topic itself.
Thanks for all of the thoughtful responses!
DS1 - 7/2011, DD 12/2012, DS2 - 4/2014, MMC - 12/2015