Friendships?

smallanimal · December 2016

STMs, and actually everyone - did you notice any changes in your friendships when pregnant, and (for STMs) after giving birth? Any advice on how to keep them healthy and going amidst all these changes?

I have one particular close friend who started acting very strange lately. Not sure if the behaviour change is baby related, but she cannot have kids (age and relationship status combination). I dont know how to handle her strangeness and cold behaviour.

KirstinH88 · December 2016

Life definitely changes after having kids. And that includes friendships. You are not so easily accessible to go out shopping or to the bar, so some relationships are strained. I found that my relationships with friends that did not have kids pretty much died (except for my BFF). My relationships with friends that have kids grew because they were able to be supportive and give advice. They understood the new "lifestyle." I was one of the first out of all my friends to have kids, so it was pretty lonely at first. But soon after I had kids, everyone else started having kids too. You definitely bond over the "mom group."

As far as your friend who can not have kids. Imagine that it is pretty rough for her, especially if she has always wanted kids. I know that many women have a hard time seeing pregnant moms or newborns soon after a MC. I would give her time to accept the idea that you are pregnant and when you talk with her, have the conversation focus more on her and her life, rather than you being pregnant and everything else that comes along with that.

HGRich · December 2016

I'm with you @smallanimal. My best friends live a couple hundred miles from me and are single. It's been hard enough keeping up with them as a married woman. Of the friends I have in town, two are struggling with infertility (though as far as they know they can have kids), and it's been hard enough trying to consider their feelings while pregnant. I don't know what we're gonna do when I have this baby. I'm not looking forward to going forward alone into this Mom thing. I hope some more of my friends have kids soon! The ones that do are also out of town! It's hard but I know at least for my single friends, I had to coach them through the mindset that I still need them in my life even though I'm married. DH can't provide everything I need as far as companionship. Haha. Maybe they'll adjust to the motherhood idea the same way. I don't know.

super_sam03 · December 2016

Being a friend who could not get pregnant for a very long time, I totally get it. It's not that I didn't want to spend time with my friends who had wanted me to share in the good news but when you set out to do something and it's happening to everyone but you, that awful envy takes over. I could fake nice with the best of them, but my closer friends can tell. Now that I'm finally pregnant, I watch the way I tell people - trying to keep in mind how I felt being on the receiving end. It's tough - but I got over it.

The first 2 years, I actually deactivated my Facebook because I couldn't bear to hear another announcement or listen to another person say "we've been trying for 3 long months!" When we hit year 3, I had to come to terms that it may not happen and I HAD to be okay with that. That was the year we decided to do everything in our power to become pregnant, and if it didn't happen, to take solace in the fact that we took charge of our fertility - we did everything we could - and it just wasn't in the cards. This last round of IVF was going to be our last. If we weren't successful, we were already ready to go through with adoption. I am so happy that our last chance was a success.

TLDR - be patient with your friend, infertility is a tough pill to swallow. (If that is the issue)

cafedisco · December 2016

Absolutely zero things in my life look the same as they did before having a child. Especially friendships.

Most of mine have drifted away (we're the first and still only ones out of original close friends to have kids) and I now consider "old" friends. That's mostly to do with their lack of interest in my new life though.

I'd give your friend space and not worry about her behavior now. She may come around and she may not. She's got the cross to bear in this one, not you.

As far as everyone else goes, most people care infinitely less than we do that we're pregnant. I find myself just naturally gravitating more to other moms now. Just how life shifts.

smallanimal · December 2016

Guess this all makes sense. I don't know if this is the issue really - she is not infertile in the strictest meaning of the word, it's just that she is 40, hit early menopause , and is single - so unlikely that she will have a kid now. She has other kids in her life that she adores and I am not aware that she desperately would want kids (unless she hides it well). But then again, what else can it be? From the friendship group we both belong to, we were closest to eachother. And I am the first one to have a kid.

As you guys say, I will give her some time. It just hurts not having her in my life, not knowing whats up with her, or being able to share whats up with me.

@cafedisco your last paragraph, so true! I am trying very hard not to bore people to death with my pregnancy

SnarkasaurusRex · December 2016

cafedisco said:

As far as everyone else goes, most people care infinitely less than we do that we're pregnant. I find myself just naturally gravitating more to other moms now. Just how life shifts.

The bolded x1000. It's a huge life shift for us, not so much for anyone else.

It's just how life goes. You resonate more with the people who are in the same stage of life as you. After I got pregnant, my friendships shifted to where I spent more time hanging out with my SIL's who had kids or were also pregnant. I actually got really excited because my college BFF and her wife are expecting, so our friendship will (hopefully) start to shift from the "old" friends that chat occasionally to "mom" friends that talk and hang out more often.

rachelmiller03 · December 2016

My friendships absolutely shifted. I am about 3 hours from my three best friends anyway, so we were already adjusting to that. 2 of them do not have children (one because if fertility issues), and 1 does. The other mother and I gravitate towards each other much more frequently now, because we understand each other. It is just difficult to hear from my friend without children how tired she is all the time, or how busy she is. I don't want to devalue this, because before kids I "thought" I was busy and tired too, but I just don't want to hear it from her anymore. She is tired because she was at the bar until midnight. She is busy because she put off other items to go have drinks with friends. I think I may have instigated the distanced between us, but mostly because I dont think she wants to hear the new "cute thing" DS has done that week.

schef070911 · December 2016

FTM so I can't speak to my own personal experience, but several of my very close friends have had babies in the last year and there's definitely a shift in the relationship. I don't feel it as much now with a little one on the way (as I'm constantly reaching out with a myriad of FTM questions), but pre-pregnancy the difference was very real. They weren't as easily accessible, or able to change their plans on a dime, and that required some understanding on my part and probably some tough changes to process on their end as well from what I can tell. It's definitely work to maintain those relationships, but so worth it.

My mom keeps up with 1 of her friends from college (who does not have any kids), and then the rest of her very best friends she met in a babysitting co-op when my brother and I were toddlers/preschool age. So I have hope that when some relationships phase out of your lives, some beautiful new ones can phase in and blossom.

Ekzerr · December 2016

I definitely see less of my friends but we still talk all the time! We do
make time for coffee or dinner dates but there's also times when they ask me to bring DD along too which I love because they all love her! I'm sure it will change with having two kids, at least for the first little while during the newborn phase, but even when DD was born they would stop here for visits with iced coffee and homemade treats. I do know people
who have lost friends completely after having kids so I guess it depends on the people and what their lifestyle is like as well

HappyAnjel · December 2016

Of my really close friends only one had kids before me. Most of my friends are very impulsive kind of people (mostly random road trips or hikes) As a mom I can't just drop everything and go on a whim, though my husband is amazing and if he is home he will tell me to go and will take DD to the park or arcade for some daddy daughter time. I'm not sure how this will go when there are two.. We shall see.

My best friend doesn't want kids of her own, but adores her nieces and nephews, including my daughter (she's married to my brother) and we keep in touch everyday and she doesn't mind me sending pictures of DD, or telling her what funny things shes done, but we also have a lot of other common ground and I find conversation and time with her just as easy as it ever was.

Another friend is suffering with fertility issues, and I find our relationship drifting lately.. I do keep in touch but I'm not pushy as I know it's probably hard for her to be around while I'm pregnant. We've gone shopping and out to eat a few times. I make sure to text her at least once a week (always about non baby things like home projects, shopping, dogs, recipes) In hopes of getting it back on track when she is ready (and hopefully that's because she is expecting!)

Some friends I realized I didn't mind losing as much as I thought I would though. The ones that I would have been upset about are still in a happy place, even if the dynamic isn't exactly the same.

jennielynn+ · December 2016

True friendships will make the adjustments. I lost a few people that were regulars in our lives. I don't feel sad about it. If they wanted to be around, they would. I can't blame people for continuing on with their lives. I just put them in the friendship of convenience category. No harm in that.

MWoodside · December 2016

Yes, it all changes and shifts and ebbs and flows. Such is life, really. I have maintained my friendships that are most important to me despite being at totally different phases of life. I think it's all about keeping a connection and making the friendship a priority.

As for your specific friend, maybe she is struggling with you being pregnant when she can't be. It coujd be very painful for her to see your belly grow or hear about your pregnancy.

mamadeez · December 2016

Second time mom here. I've observed three types of friendships/ social shifts.

1.Lifestyle changes distanced my partner and I from his friend group during pregnancy with our first and now we only see majority of them a few times a year at most.

2.My closest friends are going through the same changes as me: settling down, having kids, etc. I noticed I see them less than pre-baby, and usually there's a month or two after a baby arrives where they clock out and contact is minimal (focusing on the fam), but for the most part things are steady. As a mom I definitely see people outside of my immediate family far less than before. Its been a busy first year with DS. I've had to adjust and put more effort into giving friendships attention. I sort of thought we would get closer at this time but we all have families, responsibilities and different parenting styles so it can be a juggling act with schedules.

3.One of my partners best friends doesn't want kids. He and his fiance have decided not to have any kids. He must get a lot of comments and questions about it and I can tell us having our second kid already totally unnerved him. He is so on edge about defending his choices and his own happiness that we are a reminder of the "traditional life" he feels is expected of him. It is hard because we totally support him, but we are such a visual representation of something that he is emotionally charged about.

There are lots of weird emotions surrounding pregnancy, raising children, and the "correct" way to go about doing all that. Things that didn't really matter before tend to start to pop up once you get pregnant. With patience and understanding the solid friendships will survive.

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