Friendships? — The Bump
April 2017 Moms

Friendships?

STMs, and actually everyone - did you notice any changes in your friendships when pregnant, and (for STMs) after giving birth?  Any advice on how to keep them healthy and going amidst all these changes? 

I have one particular close friend who started acting very strange lately.   Not sure if the behaviour change is baby related, but she cannot have kids (age and relationship status combination).  I dont know how to handle her strangeness and cold behaviour.  
Me:  35 year old FTM, a busy city banker living in London, and a constant worrier. 
My DH:  French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever.  
Our baby boy:  Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks.  I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!! 
Last measurement:  3150 gs at 37+1!  This is going to be a big baby :)

Re: Friendships?

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  • Guess this all makes sense.  I don't know if this is the issue really - she is not infertile in the strictest meaning of the word, it's just that she is 40, hit early menopause , and is single - so unlikely that she will have a kid now.  She has other kids in her life that she adores and I am not aware that she desperately would want kids (unless she hides it well).  But then again, what else can it be?  From the friendship group we both belong to, we were closest to eachother.  And I am the first one to have a kid.  

    As you guys say, I will give her some time.  It just hurts not having her in my life, not knowing whats up with her, or being able to share whats up with me. 


    @cafedisco   your last paragraph, so true!  I am trying very hard not to bore people to death with my pregnancy :smiley:

    Me:  35 year old FTM, a busy city banker living in London, and a constant worrier. 
    My DH:  French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever.  
    Our baby boy:  Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks.  I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!! 
    Last measurement:  3150 gs at 37+1!  This is going to be a big baby :)
    KirstinH88blessedinmt
  • My friendships absolutely shifted. I am about 3 hours from my three best friends anyway, so we were already adjusting to that. 2 of them do not have children (one because if fertility issues), and 1 does. The other mother and I gravitate towards each other much more frequently now, because we understand each other. It is just difficult to hear from my friend without children how tired she is all the time, or how busy she is. I don't want to devalue this, because before kids I "thought" I was busy and tired too, but I just don't want to hear it from her anymore. She is tired because she was at the bar until midnight. She is busy because she put off other items to go have drinks with friends. I think I may have instigated the distanced between us, but mostly because I dont think she wants to hear the new "cute thing" DS has done that week. 
    blessedinmtKirstinH88HGRich
  • FTM so I can't speak to my own personal experience, but several of my very close friends have had babies in the last year and there's definitely a shift in the relationship.  I don't feel it as much now with a little one on the way (as I'm constantly reaching out with a myriad of FTM questions), but pre-pregnancy the difference was very real.  They weren't as easily accessible, or able to change their plans on a dime, and that required some understanding on my part and probably some tough changes to process on their end as well from what I can tell.  It's definitely work to maintain those relationships, but so worth it.

    My mom keeps up with 1 of her friends from college (who does not have any kids), and then the rest of her very best friends she met in a babysitting co-op when my brother and I were toddlers/preschool age. So I have hope that when some relationships phase out of your lives, some beautiful new ones can phase in and blossom. 
    Babysizer Cravings Pregnancy Tracker
    KirstinH88blessedinmtcafedisco
  • Yes, it all changes and shifts and ebbs and flows. Such is life, really. I have maintained my friendships that are most important to me despite being at totally different phases of life. I think it's all about keeping a connection and making the friendship a priority. 

    As for your specific friend, maybe she is struggling with you being pregnant when she can't be. It coujd be very painful for her to see your belly grow or hear about your pregnancy. 

    DD1 born 5/24/10.

    Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.

    DD2 born 5/14/13.

    Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.

    Expecting someone new 4/17/17.
    blessedinmtKirstinH88cafediscosmallanimal
  • Second time mom here. I've observed three types of friendships/ social shifts.

    1.Lifestyle changes distanced my partner and I from his friend group during pregnancy with our first and now we only see majority of them a few times a year at most.

    2.My closest friends are going through the same changes as me: settling down, having kids, etc. I noticed I see them less than pre-baby, and usually there's a month or two after a baby arrives where they clock out and contact is minimal (focusing on the fam), but for the most part things are steady. As a mom I definitely see people outside of my immediate family far less than before. Its been a busy first year with DS. I've had to adjust and put more effort into giving friendships attention. I sort of thought we would get closer at this time but we all have families, responsibilities and different parenting styles so it can be a juggling act with schedules.

    3.One of my partners best friends doesn't want kids. He and his fiance have decided not to have any kids. He must get a lot of comments and questions about it and I can tell us having our second kid already totally unnerved him. He is so on edge about defending his choices and his own happiness that we are a reminder of the "traditional life" he feels is expected of him. It is hard because we totally support him, but we are such a visual representation of something that he is emotionally charged about. 

    There are lots of weird emotions surrounding pregnancy, raising children, and the "correct" way to go about doing all that. Things that didn't really matter before tend to start to pop up once you get pregnant. With patience and understanding the solid friendships will survive.
    KirstinH88blessedinmt
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