@mrsstuessy direct quote "You said I sit at home not working all day," - would you mind quoting where did I say this? Because I never did. Please don't lie. And stop the drama. I think you are lovely and we have always got on. This is nonsense.
Me: 35 year old FTM, a busy city banker living in London, and a constant worrier. My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever. Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!! Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
@KirstinH88 yes I intend to try. I know the first few months will feel overwhelming but I plan to find some groups to join and I plan to try and have a night every week or two where DH stays home and I go out and try a class or a hobby. At least that's my hope. Since it will be spring and summer in her early months I hope to be able to get out and do things with some friends. I don't have many mom friends in this city and all of my closest friends are three or four hours away so that's frustrating. But here's hoping I can find something.
I've been on both sides, I went back to work after DD, then a few months in realized it was better financially for me to stay home, so I stayed at home until my daughter was 3. They both have pros and cons. Each decision is personal and I will NEVER pass judgement on anyone for doing what is right for their family. I'll go easy as you've been making assumptions without actual experience.. (which I hope you reconsider in the future) but here is what MY experience was.
I found it very isolating to stay home. I didn't get breaks or even get to pee alone. While I got all the milestones, I also got every tantrum. Everything is planned around baby, when she needs to sleep, eat, poop etc. Adult interaction and conversation was very limited. I felt lucky to get to be there for every milestone, and guilty about wanting to run away when she spilled the 10th thing, while throwing a tantrum bc her sock feels funny and she has an appointment in 10 minutes and now needs to be changed. Sure as a working parent I cook and clean as well when I'm home but at least I haven't cleaned the same things 100 times already that day while trying to keep a toddler happy and safe. Of course I would do it all again bc I love my kid. But it IS A JOB and a hard one.
When I went back to work, I got the mom guilt, that horrible am I missing something feeling. I was physically exhausted for the first few weeks since I wasn't used to the heavy lifting and being on my feet 10+ hours straight that comes with my job. There are days I come home and I want to just relax but instead I need to cook dinner or do shopping, but I come home to a decently clean house a kid hasn't been destroying all day. I have interaction with adults.. about things other than kids. And while I come home and do the same things a stay at home mom does, that separation of my day makes all the difference for me.
"I hate it when they say that it's their "full time job" and that they "work"."
So... according to you I don't work. Or, I'm just not allowed to say I do? I'm confused. What exactly should I tell people I do all day if I'm not working? I mean... it sure as hell isn't a part-time job. It is a 6:30am-8:30pm (with at least one or two middle of the night calls.) I'm not saying a working mom has less hours, I am saying we have the same amount of working hours. I am not someone who likes drama. I hate it. I also hate people being mean to me. I had nothing against you at all before you belittled my life calling. eta: @smallanimal
Me: 28 year old SAHM/Birth Doula DH: 30 year old pneumatic electrical engineer
Married: October 8, 2011
DD1: September 24, 2013 BFP: June 25, 2016 and MC: July 3, 2016 DD2: April 16, 2017 BFP: November 30, 2018 EDD: August 14, 2019
Your comment that SAHMs don't "work" was pretty demeaning, whether you meant it to be that way or not. Yes, working moms also do chores, but SAHMs spend the entire day raising their child (something that working moms pay other people to do for us during the day). Every feeding, diaper change, playtime, etc. Just because it is not a conventional job that pays a salary doesn't mean that it's not work (yes, I know there are people who will say that parenting is parenting, and not work, but, let's face it, parenting is hard work). There's definitely pros and cons to both, but the label one as 'easier' than the other is pretty judge-y to whomever is on the other side of the fence (for example, some of my SAHM friends have commented that working moms have it easy, because they get to pass their kids off to someone else during the day, so it can definitely go both ways).
At the end of the day, this is the internet, and if someone feels judged by a comment someone has made, they have every right to respond and voice their frustrations with it.
@smallanimal I just want you to understand how hurtful your words are. Let me try and explain it better with more patience. I see that you are a banker. Now, I have no idea what a banker does, really. But, what if I came up to you and said my job is so much harder than yours. In my head a banker sits at a desk and signs their name to things, talks to people on the phone every now and then and then sometimes meets with people to talk about their money. I have no experience with being a banker and so I am sure that there is a lot more to your job and I'm sure there are really hard things you have to do on a daily basis. But, when I compare my idea of a banker to my life of doing dishes constantly, putting up with the 11th tantrum of that hour, working on the same f****** puzzle for the 85th time that day with an impatient toddler, dragging that toddler to the grocery store by myself and getting her and all the groceries up to the 3rd floor by myself... etc, etc. I could tell you that I work a lot harder and you basically get away with doing very little in life. Now, I am not going to say that because I know that we both work really, really hard and just because at first thought your job seems easier, doesn't mean it is. They are just different.
Honestly, I am just hurt and I hope you understand this some day before you hurt anyone else with your words.
Me: 28 year old SAHM/Birth Doula DH: 30 year old pneumatic electrical engineer
Married: October 8, 2011
DD1: September 24, 2013 BFP: June 25, 2016 and MC: July 3, 2016 DD2: April 16, 2017 BFP: November 30, 2018 EDD: August 14, 2019
I personally don't see the point in broadly comparing staying at home versus working in terms of who has it "easier" or "harder". Everyone has their unique challenges and benefits. For example, a SAHP is home all day to clean but the kid(s) are also there too making messes; versus the kid(s) of the working parents being at nursery and making a mess there. I'm not sure who has the easier situation there. It boils down to a personal choice, which would you prefer? Making broad comparisons is what incites drama because we are each a unique family unit with our own unique upsides and downsides. Every family has to decide for themselves which situation is easier and that is a very personal conversation.
@mrsstuessy Now that you said this, I will break my "ignoring" rule (although I really don't like drama). I never meant to hurt you and if I did, I apologise. I do not think that a stay at home mum does not work hard. If that's how it came across - I didn't mean that at all. I am sure you are a wonderful mum and I am also sure that it's very hard - I will see it first hand myself soon enough. I did not want to upset you and I am sorry I did. Let's not fight.
Me: 35 year old FTM, a busy city banker living in London, and a constant worrier. My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever. Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!! Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
What I dislike most is when my husband's family members (mom, great aunt) tell me what I can and can't do because I'm pregnant. If I want to help move a mattress, let me freaking do it. And don't tell me I can't read a mystery book with a fetal narrator (Nutshell by Ian McEwan).
I don't care if people ask about the sex. It's something very commonly talked about, and I don't find it rude.
So far no one has tried to touch my stomach nor have I been asked if this baby was planned. I mostly get comments on not looking that pregnant (meh whatever) or how nice it will be to have a baby in April (yes, tried to plan it that way--and it worked out). I also always get asked how I'm feeling. I'm tired of that question, but it's a fine one to ask.
@wagnerw I cannot imagine someone asking to see the full panel of my maternity pants. That's just freaking weird. If they're so curious they can go to the maternity store and try on some jeans with the belly...
DD #1: April 2017 DD #2: May 2020 Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022
I am not "not" excited about being pregnant, I am more just neutral about the situation. I think this stems from being mostly terrified about how much things are going to change/ be totally different. I am also having serious issues with my parents. We use to have a great relationship but in the last couple of years their own depression and negativity has really made my interactions with them stressful. I do think they are excited about the baby but they allow their own issues to cloud that excitement, which is really wearing on me.
So I am really sick of people telling me how "excited" I must be or how "excited" my parents must be. I get that they are just trying to be nice and they aren't looking to play therapist for 10 minutes while I talk about my real feels but it gets exhausting to be super fake excited just so everyone else isn't uncomfortable. This annoyance is probably magnified because of all the holiday parties we've been going to!
ALSO, people just assume we are going to have a cute baby...but they have not seen my husband's baby pictures so they should maybe stop with that one as well
@smallanimal I accept your apology and respect you for offering it to me. Being a mom comes with all sorts of tough subjects and we need each other for support. I am sure you will be an amazing mum yourself. I would love not to fight, honestly, I hate drama myself. I have been having heart palpitations like crazy the last few hours because of it.
Me: 28 year old SAHM/Birth Doula DH: 30 year old pneumatic electrical engineer
Married: October 8, 2011
DD1: September 24, 2013 BFP: June 25, 2016 and MC: July 3, 2016 DD2: April 16, 2017 BFP: November 30, 2018 EDD: August 14, 2019
What I dislike most is when my husband's family members (mom, great aunt) tell me what I can and can't do because I'm pregnant. If I want to help move a mattress, let me freaking do it. And don't tell me I can't read a mystery book with a fetal narrator (Nutshell by Ian McEwan).
I don't care if people ask about the sex. It's something very commonly talked about, and I don't find it rude.
So far no one has tried to touch my stomach nor have I been asked if this baby was planned. I mostly get comments on not looking that pregnant (meh whatever) or how nice it will be to have a baby in April (yes, tried to plan it that way--and it worked out). I also always get asked how I'm feeling. I'm tired of that question, but it's a fine one to ask.
@wagnerw I cannot imagine someone asking to see the full panel of my maternity pants. That's just freaking weird. If they're so curious they can go to the maternity store and try on some jeans with the belly...
Yes to this!!! My co-worker is always saying things like "don't move those files, you're pregnant!" or "don't bend down and pick that up, you're pregnant!". I'm like look lady, this isn't my 1st rodeo!
SAHMs spend the entire day raising their child (something that working moms pay other people to do for us during the day).
Just to clarify, I pay people to HELP me raise my kids. They do not raise my kids FOR me. And I would give anything to not have to wake DD up 2 hours before she naturally wakes up, to stuff my kids into clothes and jackets and drag them out in -16 degree weather so I can drop them off for 9 hours while I sit at a desk wasting my life away. But we need food and a roof and insurance. So here I am... I don't really think of being a SAHM as working. I think of it as living life. Working is when you take time away from life to do something for someone else for money. But I know that my definition of work isn't the same as everyone else's so I respect that other people see it as a job.
When people find out I'm having twins, I've gotten the following:
Do twins run in your family? (I went through IVF, so not these!)
Are they natural? (As opposed to.... unnatural babies?)
Are they identical? (I tell them no, they are fraternal) - (Follow-up) Ya, but how do you know? Like how do you know for sure? (Because I saw the doctor transfer two damn embryos and they are dichorionic/diamniotic twins... I have had to teach people about the difference between identical and fraternal) - (Follow-up 2) Watch they're identical.. *facepalm*
I also get a lot of DON'T BEND! DON'T LIFT THAT! DON'T REACH FOR THAT!
TTC Numero uno since 01/13 Me 31, DH 32, Married 08/08 02/13/15-HSG-All Clear
07/25/15-50mg Clomid CD3-7+IUI #1 cd14-3 Follicles; SA 21Mill- BFN
08/19/15-25mg Clomid CD3-7+IUI #2 cd15-just ovulated, SA 42Mill- BFN
09/10/15-25mg Clomid CD3-7+IUI #3 cd14-2 Follicles; SA 45Mill- BFN
SAHMs spend the entire day raising their child (something that working moms pay other people to do for us during the day).
Just to clarify, I pay people to HELP me raise my kids. They do not raise my kids FOR me. And I would give anything to not have to wake DD up 2 hours before she naturally wakes up, to stuff my kids into clothes and jackets and drag them out in -16 degree weather so I can drop them off for 9 hours while I sit at a desk wasting my life away. But we need food and a roof and insurance. So here I am... I don't really think of being a SAHM as working. I think of it as living life. Working is when you take time away from life to do something for someone else for money. But I know that my definition of work isn't the same as everyone else's so I respect that other people see it as a job.
Oh, I certainly wasn't trying to imply that the daycare/preschool providers are doing all of the child rearing - I only mean that they're the ones putting in the work during the daytime. As a working mom, I would be super offended if anyone ever tried to imply that I'm not raising my kids, so I get where you're coming from. Trust me - I have to be at work by 6:30 so most days, I don't even see my kid until I get home for work (and thanks to the toddler years he's usually an unholy terror by then). I hate that part the most, but I've got to pay the bills, so that's where we are, too.
When people find out I'm having twins, I've gotten the following:
Do twins run in your family? (I went through IVF, so not these!)
Are they natural? (As opposed to.... unnatural babies?)
Are they identical? (I tell them no, they are fraternal) - (Follow-up) Ya, but how do you know? Like how do you know for sure? (Because I saw the doctor transfer two damn embryos and they are dichorionic/diamniotic twins... I have had to teach people about the difference between identical and fraternal) - (Follow-up 2) Watch they're identical.. *facepalm*
I also get a lot of DON'T BEND! DON'T LIFT THAT! DON'T REACH FOR THAT!
Omg. Yes to all of these. I'm starting to not tell people it's twins so they just think I'm carrying a whale or something
It seems the debate has settled with the general consensus that all sides are/can be tough and it's personal choice, but I'll just add one thought. I think there are very few women in our generation (although there are some), who consider being a SAHM a "calling" as @mrsstuessy mentioned. Most people I know picked it for reasons of convenience or comfort (finances).
I bring it up only to say that I think for most of us, no matter which path you choose, there will always (or at least sometimes) be a part of your heart longing for the other one. If only we had working environments that supported part time careers for more people so we could have a better balance...
I stayed at home for a year and it was not for me. I couldn't wait to get back into my classroom calling. But even two and a half years later, you better believe there are days that I kiss that girl goodbye in the morning and ball my eyeballs out on the way to work because I miss her so much.
Me: 31 DH: 36 Married 5 years DD born 8/30/13 #2 expected 4/25/17
I can't believe some of these things! People are weird and it seems like being around pregnant women makes them even weirder.
The only thing I can really think of is comments from family on the particular timing of LO being born (i.e. baby is due April 5th, DH graduates from grad school in mid-May and will be actively job hunting April-June, we tentatively move to TX in late June/early July). Yes, I'm aware that it's going to be hectic. Yes, I have thought about the logistics because I am an adult who is fully capable of adult decisions. However, other than choosing when to TTC or TTA you don't get to "choose" your child's due date, and I don't really feel like explaining how or why DH and I timed sex to our extended family. She's gonna come whenever she comes, and we will figure out the rest.
@schef070911 we're in a similar situation. job hunting starting in March. baby arrives April 2. we both graduate from grad school (part time students) on may 23. hoping to move in july/august.
DD #1: April 2017 DD #2: May 2020 Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022
@schef070911 that's nonsense, as if you had any control over when the baby comes! Babies are not holiday plans... he/she comes when he/she wants to! Good luck, hope it goes well. A colleague of mine is going through a house move at the same time right now, his wife is pregnant, and (believe it or not) they both broke their wrists (completely independently of eachother - the woman slipped and fell, baby is ok but wrist broken, the guy fell off his bike!!). Crazy, and they are due any minute. How can you hold a baby in a cast?
I got another "what not to say" yesterday. A colleague of mine jokingly said "You're impatient because you are hormonal, chill". And it was meant as a joke, but we do not have this kind of close relationship. Almost punched her.
Oh and another thing I absolutely loathe is when they ask "Is this your first" - then I say yes - then their response is "Oh that's nothing, I have 4 kids, bla bla bla " - excuse me, I am growing a HUMAN. It's not nothing! well done you on 4 kids. I bet you didn't feel like it was nothing with your first!
Me: 35 year old FTM, a busy city banker living in London, and a constant worrier. My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever. Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!! Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
Re: Things not to say to a pregnant woman...
My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever.
Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!!
Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
I found it very isolating to stay home. I didn't get breaks or even get to pee alone. While I got all the milestones, I also got every tantrum. Everything is planned around baby, when she needs to sleep, eat, poop etc. Adult interaction and conversation was very limited. I felt lucky to get to be there for every milestone, and guilty about wanting to run away when she spilled the 10th thing, while throwing a tantrum bc her sock feels funny and she has an appointment in 10 minutes and now needs to be changed. Sure as a working parent I cook and clean as well when I'm home but at least I haven't cleaned the same things 100 times already that day while trying to keep a toddler happy and safe. Of course I would do it all again bc I love my kid. But it IS A JOB and a hard one.
When I went back to work, I got the mom guilt, that horrible am I missing something feeling. I was physically exhausted for the first few weeks since I wasn't used to the heavy lifting and being on my feet 10+ hours straight that comes with my job. There are days I come home and I want to just relax but instead I need to cook dinner or do shopping, but I come home to a decently clean house a kid hasn't been destroying all day. I have interaction with adults.. about things other than kids. And while I come home and do the same things a stay at home mom does, that separation of my day makes all the difference for me.
Baby Boy due 04/07/17
So... according to you I don't work. Or, I'm just not allowed to say I do? I'm confused. What exactly should I tell people I do all day if I'm not working? I mean... it sure as hell isn't a part-time job. It is a 6:30am-8:30pm (with at least one or two middle of the night calls.) I'm not saying a working mom has less hours, I am saying we have the same amount of working hours. I am not someone who likes drama. I hate it. I also hate people being mean to me. I had nothing against you at all before you belittled my life calling.
eta: @smallanimal
DH: 30 year old pneumatic electrical engineer
BFP: June 25, 2016 and MC: July 3, 2016
DD2: April 16, 2017
BFP: November 30, 2018 EDD: August 14, 2019
At the end of the day, this is the internet, and if someone feels judged by a comment someone has made, they have every right to respond and voice their frustrations with it.
I just want you to understand how hurtful your words are. Let me try and explain it better with more patience. I see that you are a banker. Now, I have no idea what a banker does, really. But, what if I came up to you and said my job is so much harder than yours. In my head a banker sits at a desk and signs their name to things, talks to people on the phone every now and then and then sometimes meets with people to talk about their money. I have no experience with being a banker and so I am sure that there is a lot more to your job and I'm sure there are really hard things you have to do on a daily basis. But, when I compare my idea of a banker to my life of doing dishes constantly, putting up with the 11th tantrum of that hour, working on the same f****** puzzle for the 85th time that day with an impatient toddler, dragging that toddler to the grocery store by myself and getting her and all the groceries up to the 3rd floor by myself... etc, etc. I could tell you that I work a lot harder and you basically get away with doing very little in life. Now, I am not going to say that because I know that we both work really, really hard and just because at first thought your job seems easier, doesn't mean it is. They are just different.
Honestly, I am just hurt and I hope you understand this some day before you hurt anyone else with your words.
DH: 30 year old pneumatic electrical engineer
BFP: June 25, 2016 and MC: July 3, 2016
DD2: April 16, 2017
BFP: November 30, 2018 EDD: August 14, 2019
My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever.
Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!!
Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
I don't care if people ask about the sex. It's something very commonly talked about, and I don't find it rude.
So far no one has tried to touch my stomach nor have I been asked if this baby was planned. I mostly get comments on not looking that pregnant (meh whatever) or how nice it will be to have a baby in April (yes, tried to plan it that way--and it worked out). I also always get asked how I'm feeling. I'm tired of that question, but it's a fine one to ask.
@wagnerw I cannot imagine someone asking to see the full panel of my maternity pants. That's just freaking weird. If they're so curious they can go to the maternity store and try on some jeans with the belly...
DD #2: May 2020
Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022
So I am really sick of people telling me how "excited" I must be or how "excited" my parents must be. I get that they are just trying to be nice and they aren't looking to play therapist for 10 minutes while I talk about my real feels but it gets exhausting to be super fake excited just so everyone else isn't uncomfortable. This annoyance is probably magnified because of all the holiday parties we've been going to!
ALSO, people just assume we are going to have a cute baby...but they have not seen my husband's baby pictures so they should maybe stop with that one as well
DH: 30 year old pneumatic electrical engineer
BFP: June 25, 2016 and MC: July 3, 2016
DD2: April 16, 2017
BFP: November 30, 2018 EDD: August 14, 2019
Me 31, DH 32, Married 08/08
02/13/15-HSG-All Clear
ER 02/05-20 Retrieved - 11 Matured, 9 Fertilized, ET 2/10 (1 Transferred, 4 Frz) - BFP 2/19, M/C-3/5-Trisomy 16
ER 07/14-14 Retrieved,11 Matured, 10 Fertilized, ET 07/19 (2 Transferred, 6 Frz), BFP 7/28, 8/16 U/S-TWINS!
Due Date - April 6, 2017 UPDATED March 23, 2017!
I bring it up only to say that I think for most of us, no matter which path you choose, there will always (or at least sometimes) be a part of your heart longing for the other one. If only we had working environments that supported part time careers for more people so we could have a better balance...
I stayed at home for a year and it was not for me. I couldn't wait to get back into my classroom calling. But even two and a half years later, you better believe there are days that I kiss that girl goodbye in the morning and ball my eyeballs out on the way to work because I miss her so much.
DH: 36
Married 5 years
DD born 8/30/13
#2 expected 4/25/17
The only thing I can really think of is comments from family on the particular timing of LO being born (i.e. baby is due April 5th, DH graduates from grad school in mid-May and will be actively job hunting April-June, we tentatively move to TX in late June/early July). Yes, I'm aware that it's going to be hectic. Yes, I have thought about the logistics because I am an adult who is fully capable of adult decisions. However, other than choosing when to TTC or TTA you don't get to "choose" your child's due date, and I don't really feel like explaining how or why DH and I timed sex to our extended family.
DD #2: May 2020
Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022
I got another "what not to say" yesterday. A colleague of mine jokingly said "You're impatient because you are hormonal, chill". And it was meant as a joke, but we do not have this kind of close relationship. Almost punched her.
Oh and another thing I absolutely loathe is when they ask "Is this your first" - then I say yes - then their response is "Oh that's nothing, I have 4 kids, bla bla bla " - excuse me, I am growing a HUMAN. It's not nothing! well done you on 4 kids. I bet you didn't feel like it was nothing with your first!
My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever.
Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!!
Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby