Things not to say to a pregnant woman...

smallanimal · December 2016

Since I started to show, I have been getting my fair share of comments, both from friends and strangers. Here are my top bug bears at the moment:

* Oh you are halfway through? You don't look it! (my baby is growing perfectly, thank you very much! how would you know! you have never been pregnant!)
* Oh you are halfway through? You look so big! You're going to be huge! (Just. No. No. No.)
* Oh, you are pregnant? How are the mood swings? (You will see it first hand if you do not shut up now.)
* Can I touch it? (No.) *Proceeds to touch it* ( Absolutely not.)
* Do you know what you're having? (Yes. A human baby. The gender is none of your business)

Ok, this last one might be bordering on me being a bit bitchy...

Anything you ladies want to add?

bww_0331 · December 2016

my coworkers- "are you wearing maternity pants?" (None of your business?) "oh, lift them up. We want to see your full panel" (i did not) "oh come on, we are all girls here. Lift your shirt up and show us" HOW ABOUT NO

cafedisco · December 2016

@smallanimal I get a lot of people telling me how small I am...I honestly think they are just trying to be polite and think that's what I want to hear (I don't, I struggled to gain weight with DD so I'm on the nervous side about being too small). What I find most awkward is that I have no idea how to respond. I don't want to say "thank you" and imply that I take it as a compliment. But then I find myself countering them, "oh really? I don't think I looks small." Which is equally weird. Just weird.

I'm glad I have my students telling my their more honest thoughts. It's much easier to know what to say to "you're really getting huge, can you even jump on one foot?" That's been my favorite so far.

twistsandturnsto2 · December 2016

I wait tables and I had a customer look at my belly when I greeted the table, look at my face, back to the belly then say "been eating too much bread? Ha ha" WTF jerk! At least his wife didn't think he was being funny and called him out for me.

twistsandturnsto2 · December 2016

@cafedisco I'm struggling with weight gain this time as well. I agree it's a weird place to be in.

kitkat8387 · December 2016

I think it's so crazy how people think that when you are pregnant that gives them free reign to comment on your size, big or small!! Just a simple " you look great" is sufficient. I HATE when people say I don't look 24 weeks yet, or something along those lines. My friend is full term and due to her height (5'11) she just carries really well and looks maybe 6 months. She gets the rudest comments about it.

Blueberry85 · December 2016

I never get any comments from randoms. Must be my resting bitch face.

KirstinH88 · December 2016

Blueberry85 said:

I never get any comments from randoms. Must be my resting bitch face.

YAAAAS!!!!!

smallanimal · December 2016

@wagnerw this made me laugh out loud. HOW about no!

@cafedisco but can you?

@twistsandturnsto2 that's just plain rude.. what did the wife say?

lovelongdog06 · December 2016

"You're way too small to be x amount along"

"Oh I could tell it was a boy the way you're carrying"

"Was it planned?"

HGRich · December 2016

@cafedisco I keep getting that too. It's like every week someone says "oh you finally have a bump!" Or "you don't look that far along." Thanks? Or...?

One woman told me yesterday "oh sorry. I didn't know. You just don't look pregnant." Ok? Is that bad? Why did you apologize? I just can't wait for all the comments on my waddle later when I am huge.

cafedisco · December 2016

@smallanimal I'll have to get back to you. I'm waiting for my AS right now. Don't think I'm going to go jumping around...

mrsstuessy · December 2016

When I was pregnant with DD1 DH's grandma told me, at our little gender reveal party with family, that she knew I was having a girl since I was carrying my weight in my thighs and hips. When you are having a girl I guess you get fat all over. yeah, that women has pulled out some real gems throughout the years. Honestly, they are mostly hilarious though so I don't mind to much. Funny, since this one is also a girl and I haven't gained any weight in my hips or legs yet.

So far I haven't gotten anything bad with this one, other than people asking me how I am feeling and me telling them I feel awful and then they want to know what all I mean by that. And then when I go into explaining how my pelvis is splitting apart causing me excruciating pain I know they feel awkward and really didn't want to know all that. But, I am sick of responding that I feel fine when I really, really don't.

SnarkasaurusRex · December 2016

"Are you sure you're even pregnant? Aren't you supposed to be like 5 months??" Uh, yea, unless that burrito really developed a mind of its own in there to be moving all over the place, then I'm pretty sure there's a baby.

People keep commenting on my size a lot. It's weird...at this point with DS I didn't look very big but I had at least gained about 10 pounds, but with this one I still haven't gained anything and I don't have much of a belly. I'm super anxious about it, for whatever reason, even though my OB is not worried and everything has looked great so far.

HGRich · December 2016

@SnarkasaurusRex this can go the opposite way and make you feel worse, but sometimes I look up the hashtag on Instagram for the week I am gestationally and while there are lots of women bigger than me, I find a lot of them smaller than me too, and plenty my size with my body type. It helps.

Lovable Bump · December 2016

When I told a friend I was pregnant at 15 weeks, she was like "oh my god, I knew it! I noticed your thighs look huge!" What..?. To this day I still think it was such a weird thing to say haha.

"Was it planned?!?" My DH and I have been dating for 11 years, married for almost 2 of thoses years, just moved into our first home, doing well in our careers, is it that much of a shocker that this was the next step for us?

"I can totally tell you're wearing maternity clothes!" Thanks.

"Oh my god you look HUGE!" Thanks again.

"If your baby is a _______, you should totally name it after me!" No thank you

"You're planning on going back to work?! That's terrible, you shouldn't let someone else raise your baby!" I get a LOT of judgement from my family for this and its insanely stressful. Personal choice between DH and I, we are a 2 income household in this expensive state.

"You should NOT find out the sex, once you find out you will not be excited about the baby anymore!" Again, personal choice between DH and I. We found out and just as excited, if not more!

"Morning sickness can't be that bad!" F-you.

"Haha, you're life is totally over now!" It's actually just begun, thank you.

Aaaaand I'm only halfway done. I'm sure there will be more comments to come ughhh. lol

BecNJake · December 2016

Ugh people are the worst!

So far I have gotten-

"It's definitely a girl, girls steal your beauty!" (It's a boy first off, and I have had slight blemishes on my face due to hormone changes and prefer not to wear make up when I'm tired- you have no business commenting on ANY woman's appearance!)

When people find out it's my second boy- "oh I'm sorry, I bet you wanted a girl!" (

smallanimal · December 2016

@Lovable Bump I got this too.. "I bet you won't be coming back to work" - um yes, I will. I love my job. "oh you will change your mind once you have your baby" - um no, having a baby will not change who I am.. Just two days ago, I had a meeting with my finance business partner (who manages my budget for me) and I was explaining to him what my plans were so he can calculate it into the 2017 budget. He actually finished with "Let's face it, you wont come back". .. felt like punching him, even though he really is a lovely chap.

and then you get the judgement on "who will look after your baby"? Well, his dad... his grandmothers? Later on nursery. By the time I get back the baby will be big enough to be OK without me for 3x8 hours a week.

twistsandturnsto2 · December 2016

@smallanimal I was just sort of shocked and before I could respond, his wife spoke up for me. That's the worst part of my job- having to smile and laugh at idiot customers so you don't insult them before you get a tip, lol

Beckyf321 · December 2016

Blueberry85 said:

I never get any comments from randoms. Must be my resting bitch face.

Teach me your ways, O Wise One.

Beckyf321 · December 2016

I had someone worried yesterday at a child's birthday party that I was going to give birth right then and there. Uh, hopefully not at 22 weeks!

"Are you sure there's only 1 in there?" is the one I get most often. I'm 5'3" and grow 9 lb 21+ in babies. This is my 3rd one. I'm 35. Go f*ck yourself.

"You're not finding out the gender?!?!" This gets a mixed reaction of either I'm crazy or "good for you"! A few family and friends are putting on the pressure to find out. No.

aboxofchocolates · December 2016

"you look so great for being pregnant" (awwww that really makes me feel good"
"I mean you are just all belly" (And I feel like crap again)

blessedinmt · December 2016

A co-worker who has 3 small children and still works full time said to me, "I really think you should be a SAHM when your baby is born." We don't get along so I just laughed at her and replied, "I'm not going anywhere, I'll be back after my 12 weeks of maternity leave." I'm not at all upset that she just handed in her 2 week notice.

LittleChick2 · December 2016

So at work I normally sit behind a desk and have a jacket or vest on. Today I was up and walking around the office when I had an 80 something year old man come in and say something along the lines of, "you're getting bigger all over, do you plan to breastfeed your baby?". Seriously wtf. I guess my boobs look extra big today??

KirstinH88 · December 2016

The mom war that I hate the most is SAHM vs working mom. It beyond drives me nuts. I tried both. I stayed home for the first 3 months and by the time those 3 months were up, I couldn't wait to get back to work. Then around 7-8 months old, I began feeling an insane amount of mom guilt, so I quit my job and attempted to be a SAHM. I only lasted 3 more months. It's just not for me. I respect all sides (SAHM and working mom) as each has its advantages and challenges. But I hate it when people judge, instead of supporting, a mom who decides to go back to work after having a baby or vice versa.

I haven't gotten many comments about it this pregnancy. And staying home is just not an option as I am the breadwinner. DH has joked about being a SAHD, but I don't think he's cut out for that life either.

smallanimal · December 2016

@KirstinH88 I completely agree with you (for now! obviously I do not have any firsthand experience yet) - I have no issues with someone staying at home - but I hate when they a.) tell me that this makes them a better mother than those who work and b.) hate it when they say that it's their "full time job" and that they "work". (No they don't. they do chores like most working mothers do too, but they have it easier, because most people (like my mum for example or most my friends) do everything SAHMs do plus a full time job.)

rachelmiller03 · December 2016

Beckyf321 said:

"You're not finding out the gender?!?!" This gets a mixed reaction of either I'm crazy or "good for you"! A few family and friends are putting on the pressure to find out. No.

Being team green is the part of pregnancy I the most comments about! I think I mentioned this here before, but be SIL (also pregnant) told me she was "too organized". All I wanted to say was a big FU! I skipped her shower yesterday because I am still pissed about it.
"oh, what are you having?" my response: "A baby asshole". Maybe without the asshole part, but I still think it.

SnarkasaurusRex · December 2016

I also hate the SAHM v. working mom debate. I love my job, which is good because I have to work out of necessity (living in one of the most expensive parts of the country sucks sometimes), but ever since I had DS I never feel like I'm a good enough teacher or a good enough mom. It kinda feels like I'm just half-assing everything, which I don't love, but I know I would get bored out of my mind if I attempted to be a SAHM.

@smallanimal re: boobs (haha)...the other ladies are correct - there's not much correlation between breast size and the ability to breast feed. When I was pregnant with DS, two of my SILs were also pregnant, and the one with the smallest boobs was the most successful with breastfeeding.

I did experience lots of breast changes during pregnancy, but that's why I stressed that I was in the 0.3% minuscule percentage of women who just don't produce. I worked with 4 lactation consultants, and no one could really figure out why...the best explanation was that my traumatic birth/need for a transfusion just completely threw my system off, but even for most women when that happens they are able to successfully breastfeed by using different strategies.

I'm a huge advocate for breastfeeding; I felt completely inadequate as a mother and just beyond frustrated with my body when I couldn't make it happen, and it was the primary thing that contributed to my PPD. Breastfeeding was my one non-negotiable parenting choice (meaning, I went into it with 0 flexibility regarding breastfeeding - I was going to do it, and that was that), and I wish I had been more flexible about it. So, while I still strongly encourage breastfeeding to anyone that will listen, I do suggest going in with an open mind so that it's not so devastating if it doesn't work out. It sounds like you've got the right mindset!

ETA that I just realized that I posted this on the wrong thread...my bad! I will live with my shame and not dirty delete.

Taylor72 · December 2016

@HGRich I do the same thing! I love IG.

I got one a few weeks ago that is still bothering me. I was at work talking to a co worker, who has 3 children of her own, when I said "it's official..." BEFORE I could finish she blurts out "you started your period" my mouth literally fell open and I just walked away.

mrsstuessy · December 2016

@smallanimal yeah, you are gonna want to take a step back with that attitude. I am 100% behind the NO MOMMY WARS. But, it goes both ways, dear. There is a reason that child care providers are paid. They are doing a job. I stay at home with my child all day and take care of her, along with everything else. That is a job. How is it a job if someone else does it, but not if I do it? I respect working moms and SAHMs. So, if you want me to respect and support working moms you are gonna have to stop with the lazy SAHM eating ice-cream and throwing parties talk. Ok? Thanks.

Blueberry85 · December 2016

rachelmiller03 said:

Beckyf321 said:

"You're not finding out the gender?!?!" This gets a mixed reaction of either I'm crazy or "good for you"! A few family and friends are putting on the pressure to find out. No.

Being team green is the part of pregnancy I the most comments about! I think I mentioned this here before, but be SIL (also pregnant) told me she was "too organized". All I wanted to say was a big FU! I skipped her shower yesterday because I am still pissed about it.
"oh, what are you having?" my response: "A baby asshole". Maybe without the asshole part, but I still think it.

Meaning "too organized" not to learn the sex before the birth? Major eye roll. My cousin was pregnant at the same time as me with DD, and my mom and aunts were speculating if she would learn the sex or not. My response was, "Of course she will; she's too anal not to." My mom said I was being mean, but a few weeks later, my cousin said pretty much the exact same thing about herself, soooo...

That being said, I care not one whit if other people decide to find out or decide to wait as it affects me not at all. I don't understand why people make such a damn fuss about the sex of someone else's child, especially enough to actively pressure someone to find out if they don't want to. I've done it both ways - team green with my first, team pink with this one. Each has positives and downsides. And it's no one else's damn business.

When I was team green with DD, the only comments I got about it were from my students (so of course I told them I decided not to find out simply to annoy them). Sad that many adults have the same or less amount of tact as a bunch of 15- and 16-year olds.

shaunessa · December 2016

@mrsstuessy

I completely agree with you on being a SAHM is a full hard time job! But lets give @smallanimal a break. This is her first, so she has no idea what's in store!

You are constantly changing diapers...you're tired all the time. Your boobs and body hurt. You're constantly dealing with spit ups. You're constantly doing the baby's laundry. Constantly trying to keep the floors clean so your LO doesn't put anything weird in his/her mouth. It's exhausting.

Quite honestly, I was looking forward to going back to work for some "me" time. I think staying home full time is harder than having a desk job. Sure I deal with irate customers or co-workers, but nothing compares with being able to eat lunch and potty in peace with no interruptions.

SnarkasaurusRex · December 2016

Blueberry85 said:

rachelmiller03 said:

Beckyf321 said:

"You're not finding out the gender?!?!" This gets a mixed reaction of either I'm crazy or "good for you"! A few family and friends are putting on the pressure to find out. No.

Being team green is the part of pregnancy I the most comments about! I think I mentioned this here before, but be SIL (also pregnant) told me she was "too organized". All I wanted to say was a big FU! I skipped her shower yesterday because I am still pissed about it.
"oh, what are you having?" my response: "A baby asshole". Maybe without the asshole part, but I still think it.

Meaning "too organized" not to learn the sex before the birth? Major eye roll. My cousin was pregnant at the same time as me with DD, and my mom and aunts were speculating if she would learn the sex or not. My response was, "Of course she will; she's too anal not to." My mom said I was being mean, but a few weeks later, my cousin said pretty much the exact same thing about herself, soooo...

That being said, I care not one whit if other people decide to find out or decide to wait as it affects me not at all. I don't understand why people make such a damn fuss about the sex of someone else's child, especially enough to actively pressure someone to find out if they don't want to. I've done it both ways - team green with my first, team pink with this one. Each has positives and downsides. And it's no one else's damn business.

When I was team green with DD, the only comments I got about it were from my students (so of course I told them I decided not to find out simply to annoy them). Sad that many adults have the same or less amount of tact as a bunch of 15- and 16-year olds.

The ONLY reason we found out with either kid was because DH is so anal that he needed to know. I really wanted the surprise (it felt so sterile to find out in an ultrasound room, idk), so we compromised with DS and did a gender reveal. The only reason I wanted to find out with this one was to know if I needed to unpack DS's baby clothes for another boy or not.

But yea, the gender thing is something that baffles me...why do people care so much if you know or not?

smallanimal · December 2016

@mrsstuessy oh wow... That is quite the reaction. I think I better not respond in kind. Never called anyone lazy or icecream eating, you might want to re read what I actually said- but I wont continue this argument and certainly not in this style. I respect your opinion.

smallanimal · December 2016

@SnarkasaurusRex. That is incredibly reassuring!! Hope I can breastfeed. Will certainly try my best. The midwives (and some mothers too!) here are all "if you dont breastfeed you are not a real mum" and this attitude really pisses me off. I certainly wont let my baby starve either way!

HGRich · December 2016

Haha. Mommy wars already. I haven't heard anyone's opinion on that debate in my personal life but probably because I haven't said yet whether I am staying home or continuing to work. As I don't have any born yet I can't weigh in on the difficulty of either, but I do plan to be a SAHM and all I can say is I kind of dread it. It might honestly be harder in the sense that the mental toll of not having adult conversations and an escape will be heavy. As an academic and philosopher I don't look forward to a complete 180 in my life and purpose. But since I work for a nonprofit and don't make enough to make it worthwhile to pay for childcare and I don't have family in town to watch my kids like some of my friends do, a SAHM I shall be. Which is fine. I just fear what it will do to my ability to get back into the workforce later when my kids are older. I plan to take up blogging or writing again to stay sane.

But ultimately since I plan to homeschool my kids through the elementary and possibly middle school years, I may as well step back now right at the beginning while my career is not necessarily at a crucial point. But when I do tell people--now I can't wait to see what they say to me then. Haha. Even when people will tell me "oh good--that's best for you and baby" I cringe because I know very well for lots of women it isn't. My mother was both a SAHM and a working mom while I was growing up and both were good and bad. By working outside the home she showed me how important it is to have her own goals and contribute financially, and by staying home she was able to nurture me into the summa cum laude student I was. Both were good for her, both were good for us. I'm interested in seeing what path my career takes throughout my kids' childhoods. For now I'm just grateful DH and I are on the same page with it.

KirstinH88 · December 2016

@HGRich My best advice to you (unsolicited - oops!) would be to join a mommy group. It may be easy for you to find one (or even just a few mom friends) since you are involved in your church. That was my biggest struggle with staying at home. I was so lonely. I needed that adult interaction and I RARELY got it. DH was working 12+ hour days and I didn't have very many mom friends. Even just getting together once a week for coffee or going to the park will be nice.

twistsandturnsto2 · December 2016

@smallanimal I personally think the remark about SAHM having it "easier" than working moms is what struck a cord. Or at least it did with me. One is not harder than the other, they are different experiences and both deserve respect from everyone.
Not that this is what you ment, but when people say that to me, I take it as demeaning the importance of running a household and raising children.

smallanimal · December 2016

@HGRich I can't imagine being a SAHM being bad for a baby, ever, I think being a working mum can be just as great for the baby, or it actually can be bad - it's really up to what the mum makes of it. If it makes no financial sense to go back to work, then it's a no brainer really. Here a nursery costs up to £1200 a month. With two kids, thats up to £2400. That is more (much more in fact) than the average net income for a person!! so a lot of people do decide to stay at home, especially after kid #2. And then most never go back to work because as you say it is difficult to re-enter after 3-4-5 years off. It's a difficult one.

smallanimal · December 2016

@twistsandturnsto2 I get what you are saying and appreciate your thoughts. Didn't mean to demean SAHMs (and indeed I did not say anything demeaning), but yes, I think it is easier than parenting plus a full time job. Perfectly fine if someone thinks differently, I don't need to or want to convince anyone, and the last thing I want to do here is fight and do drama. So if there will be another attitude-y response, apologies, but I will just ignore it and move on.

mrsstuessy · December 2016

Ugh with the mommy wars. I just can't handle it. Seriously. Sorry for my "attitude", but when someone tells me that what I do is not actually work I have no patience for that, especially coming from someone without children. I go to sleep in so much pain every day that sometimes I just lay in bed crying because I am on my feet all day taking caring of one, sometimes two (if I am watching my nephew) kids all day. I get just about enough time to take a shower and get dressed every day. And that is all. It is incredibly hard work and someone telling me it isn't is just humorous. You literally said in your post that you hate when SAHM moms say they are better. Well, I hate when working moms say they are better. I agree with @twistsandturnsto2 in that both are hard work, just different and you really can't say one is harder or easier. Don't try and explain your words away. You said I sit at home not working all day, so if that isn't calling someone lazy I can't possibly imagine what is.

Go ahead and ignore this if you want. I honestly don't care. I think that until you actually have a child there is no way you would ever try to understand what I am saying anyway.

Seriously though, as a general comment to the world... don't tell someone you are better than them. I isn't very nice.

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